To confront family tension due to how I feed my baby?

[Chunkychips23]

I’ve always had a great relationship with my MIL. I adored her and we’d regularly spend time together up until my pregnancy became high risk. I spent most of the 3rd trimester in hospital for monitoring due to complications and the need to be ready to deliver my baby at a moments notice.

On one of the days I was allowed home for the day, she popped over to visit. She asked me out of the blue how I was planning to feed my baby. I answered I was going to try breastfeeding but wouldn’t beat myself up if I didn’t like it/couldnt do it. She went off on one, which was so out of character. She said that I’d be selfish to breastfeed as nobody else would be able to feed baby, I’d get no support, young women do it just for attention, it starves babies, she formula fed all of her children and they were fine, none of her other grandkids were BF and they turned out ok so why do I need to be so special - she tried to BF and it didn’t work out, so she knows it’s best to formula feed. I was so confused that I’d said something wrong, I even went back and re-watched the conversation on our indoor security camera to see if I’d said something particularly triggering. I honestly don’t care how people feed or have fed their babies. You do what works/worked best for you and your baby. Fed is best! Formula fed babies are just as happy and healthy as BF babies. I really don’t see what the big deal is!

Fast forward to baby’s arrival. We’d asked for no visitors in the hospital as we didn’t know how I’d be after surgery. I did have a massive haemorrhage so was quite unwell, but MIL turned up to hospital anyway. I felt obliged to allow her in, but I was in a rough way. As soon as she arrived, she picked up the baby and commented on how he was so small, I’d need to formula feed him to make sure he didn’t starve, but I was ‘one of them’ so wouldn’t. (Baby was born purposely prematurely to save both of our lives, so was tiny) I was a bit taken aback, but didn’t say anything. My DH said that we’d need to keep the visit short as he wanted to ensure I got rest and time to bond with our baby. MIL said I was welcome to go back to bed as she was just there to visit baby anyway.

I put all that aside and tried to keep our relationship as normal as possible. I’d send her regular pictures and baby updates. As she lives close by, she’d pop over regularly and unannounced, expecting to be hosted. 3 days postpartum she walked in, took baby out of my arms and told me to put the kettle on and dig out the biscuits (DH had nipped to the supermarket - I could barely walk!) Every single time, I was met with negative comments. Baby become jaundiced and that was my fault as I was starving him. If only I put my own selfish desires to breastfeed on the back burner, I’d have a healthy baby. I was still very weak post delivery so really didn’t have the energy to say anything back. As baby wasn’t sleeping through the night (what brand new newborn does?!) she said I’d be begging her to help by the end of the week and she’d be happy to help me with formula feeding. On top of this, she bombarded my DH with messages about it saying she was concerned I wasn’t thinking of my child and just wanted to show off (I never BF in front on anyone but my DH or own DM)

I then started to get messages from my DH’s family trying to discourage me from BF. MIL was making out to the family that I was struggling to BF and being pressured into continuing (I really wasn’t, it was just the option that was working best for me and baby) It was so bizarre and stressful. DH stepped in and asked him family to back off.

A week after we were home, she brought round her extended family who I’d never met to meet the baby. It was so awkward as she sat there instructing me and DH to make drinks and get them food, whilst she showed off baby and how tiny and underfed etc. Her relatives were so uncomfortable. DH asked MIL to wash her hands before holding baby and she said ‘well I thought breastfeeding was superior and gave superhuman abilities against germs’

Over Christmas, she had a large family gathering and my DH and I made the decision it was best for baby to not to go, due to being a few weeks old and MIL’s hostility towards BF. I’d have been very uncomfortable trying to feed baby in her home and I wasn’t able to pump much at that stage to have enough for a few bottle feeds. I was made out to be horrible and blocking her family from seeing baby and DH should have just taken baby and gone via the shop to get formula and there would have been no issue. Baby was premature and vulnerable. Even if I wasn’t BF, we’d have made the same decision to keep baby away from large gatherings. I was mocked at that gathering, leaving my DH and SD feeling really uncomfortable and upset.

Months later she is still obsessed. Constantly asking about babies weight and comparing my DC to her formula fed ones. I pump so DH can give baby a bottle every now and then and the one time he did that in front of her, she got her phone out and started filming, then sat there sending it off to whoever, laughing. She tried to get my SD onside by saying ‘doesn’t it bother you that you can’t feed your baby sibling’ - SD was confused and said ‘no, why would it’ Ugh, it was just so uncomfortable!

I’ve just had enough of the comments. From accusations of starving my baby to trying to shame me in front of her family. Everything from ‘he wants a bottle, look, he’s begging for it’ to ‘you’re a smelly baby, mummy obviously doesn’t eat properly as BF baby poo isn’t supposed to smell’ and ‘you can stop doing it now. There is no benefits to BF past two weeks, now it’s just for attention’

I feel like I need to have a conversation with her about this, as I’m so tired of just having to ignore her and not respond, so I don’t risk upsetting her. I’ve had months of relentless digs and comments. My baby is happy, healthy and meeting milestones.

I do want to get my relationship back with MIL, which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded. She’s has access to baby whenever she’s wanted and I’ve not stopped her forming a bond with him. But for my sanity, I feel like I need to sit down with her and talk this through. DH says he’s handling it, but as it’s continued, i don’t think he is.

Would I be unreasonable to arrange a face to face with MIL and confront her?

I stopped reading. Why has this gone on for so long?

Put your foot down. Your DH handles it this weekend and she is civil or she is no longer welcome to see you or the baby.

I am so furious on your behalf.

Her behaviour is absolutely appalling.

If it were me I'd never want to see her again and I certainly wouldn't be handing over my tiny baby to placate someone so utterly selfish and batshit and awful. I'm astonished to be honest that you still want a relationship with her - you're a much more forgiving person than me, I could never come back from this.

I'm still BF my toddler after a really rocky start and if anyone had ever suggested I should stop I would have laughed in their face. It has absolutely nothing to do with anyone other than you and your baby.

3days post partum, after a haemorrhage, surgery and a prem baby and you are at home, wow.

I would have exploded long before now. OP, either your DH deals with her firmly or you will. He needs to know that you will explode if he doesn’t deal with it now and if he wants to spare his mother that, then he needs to tell her that her behaviour is appalling and it has to stop now. There must be no more comments about feeding or any aspect of childcare otherwise she is not welcome.

I think you have to have it out with her. She needs to be told in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is unacceptable and you will not be putting up with it. If she can't keep her nasty comments to herself, she is not welcome in your home and you will not be visiting her either. She's lucky you haven't thrown her out already. Your DH isn't dealing with it if she's still doing it. He needs to be more assertive too, you both do!

she tried to BF and it didn’t work out, so she knows it’s best to formula feed

More like, she tried to breastfeed, it didn't work out, so she is trying to get over her disappointment by putting down BF at every opportunity.

I’m speaking as a militant ‘ff is fine’ person, as I felt too much pressure to bf and felt a failure as a result. But I would never have advised someone committed to bf to abandon it.

She feels some kind of shame that she couldn’t bf and is therefore pressurising family members to give it up as a way of validating her situation years ago. In doing so, she is totally out of order.

Tell her to get the fuck out of your house and she is not to come back u know til she learns how to make her own tea and how to respect you and your baby.

Block her for a few days. Don’t answer the door.

Problem solved. Then repeat same until boundaries are established.

Also tell your husband to grow a pair of balls. Every little helps.

I think you need to stop being so damn reasonable with this woman. She's disgraceful. She wouldn't be welcome to pop round anymore, no more visits unless dh is there too. The first comment about feeding, she would be asked to leave. What relationship is it that you think there is to salvage? She hates you and she is mocking you behind your back, and weaponising your dsd against you. Using a child to abuse you further - appalling.

Well, I think you should be nice and polite to her. And make sure that every time you see her you give her a book or leaflet about the advantages of BF over formula. Send her links to research papers about good adult health outcomes in BFd subjects, and news articles about how evil Nestlé are. Every fucking day. When she visits, bang on about how much you love doing it and what a great bond you have with the baby. Does she know that some mothers orgasm whilst nursing? Will she put the kettle on now because you're about to whip them out? And the weight is dropping off you and you know you'll get your figure back in no time, because you're BREASTFEEDING. And it's WONDERFUL.

See if that works?

Just because something does or has something you don't/won't doesn't make it "disgusting".

It's their house, if they want cameras in every room they absolutely can. As long as OP and her husband both agreed to it and neither is using it as a way to control the other, then it's absolutely fine.

The thing is. When you finish BF it will be something else.
My MIL also didn’t approve of BF (I had to give up anyway) but then I got grief for not feeding DC chocolate at 3 months, not feeding them nuggets the moment they could chew etc.
There was a lot of ‘you should do it this way as this is the way I did it’. She also didn’t believe in picking up a crying baby as you needed to ‘teach them a lesson’.

One of my life regrets is that when I had issues with m'n'law I did not stand up to be counted - I was more worried about being the cause of family rifts that I would bite my tongue and try and bumble along.
but after many years the resentment festited and I was never going to have a close relationship with my m'n'law, It was actually my husband who when I discussed this said maybe I should have just told her how I was feeling at the various times.

To be honest your m'n'law sounds like a loon now and I am not sure such a conversation will go well BUT I think for your own peace of mind you should try. but bare in mind you might need to go low contact and discuss with your hubby what that would look like. My hubby sees my m'n'law weekly but I see her for special occasions.

I am absolutely raging on your behalf. What a disgusting woman. I hate conflict, but at this point I would fight fire with fire and tell her to fuck off. She's bullying you.

I voted YABU but purely because it's absolutely ridiculous that you've put up with this shit for so long without saying anything. WTF is wrong with your DH that he can't speak up and tell her to stop?

If he can't advocate for you or the baby then you are going to have to step up and do so.

Why you'd want to maintain a relationship with a woman that controlling, manipulative, ignorant and rude is beyond me.

I was a student midwife in the 70’s/80’s. My dm was a midwife.
Formula feeding was not seen as the gold standard.
The NCT were very active and mothers were encouraged to bf by midwives and actually due to good staffing levels and longer hospital stays mothers got lots of support.
If someone didn’t want to bf it was not pushed but formula feeding was never seen as better than bf.
My ds was born in the 80’s and I and my dsis, my dsil and most of my friends all bf for as long as possible.
Remember boomers were the back to Mother Nature, organic, vegetarian anti pesticide generation.

I think you DH needs to take this up directly with your MIL. She sounds crazy (and I am not saying that lightly), her actions and conversations are truly bizarre. You're right in that how baby is fed is up to baby and mum, certainly not MIL. It is so strange that the only possible reason I can see is that she's started to show traits of dementia and this coincided with your baby. (So it's a coincidence she has turned like this, the baby isn't causal to it, if you see what I mean).

DH certainly needs to handle. If I were you I would just cut her off, You're a new mum, you can do without all her hassle. Block her, don't let her in. Concentrate on your own family unit and for now give up trying to bring her round or spend time with her.

@Chunkychips23

She makes a lot of her comments when he’s not in the room

Then record her. You've done it before, albeit accidentally, via the doorbell - do it again, purposefully.

You are letting her ride roughshod over one of the supposed-to-be happiest periods of your life and you have absolutely no reason to put up with it.

So sorry OP

Stick to what works for you

Got this off MIL, sure it's because they project because they didn't breast feed themselves

I haven't read it all. It lost me when she said everyone should be able to feed the baby. It's not a bloody toy. It's a tiny baby that needs the best start possible in life - and we all know that if you're able to breast feed, that's best. Of course if you can't, that's different, but if you CAN, and WANT TO, then of course you should!

You have the patience of a Saint. I would've lost it at her long ago, with valid reason. Time to talk to her.

This is disgusting behaviour. Pressuring a new mum and getting other members of the family involved in that is shameful. You need to nip this in the bud pronto. No softly softly. Just a direct conversation. Ideally from your husband and you together so she can see you are a team that cannot be divided and conquered. Invite her over and tell her that her constant comments about the baby’s health and your feeding choices is going to ruin the relationship
if it continues. Tell her you don’t want that as you miss the closeness you had before the baby’s birth but it won’t be tolerated anymore and she’ll be asked to leave if she behaves like this.

She sounds like an uneducated idiot.

Lord above, she sounds awful, if it's not breastfeeding it'll be something else!

I had my first child in the 80s and breastfed him for over a year. There was a lot of support in the hospital for breastfeeding mums. It wasn't assumed you would formula feed at all. I think your mil is crazy. And controlling. Any criticism say, this works for us. And repeat. And if she continues, leave. Don't allow her free access to your house. Keep the door locked.