To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

Leaving an exclusively breastfed 8month old all day with anyone won't work. SIL idea was bonkers.
Not a single person on here thought the above would work.
SIL suggested the above as she is locked in to having you at the wedding. You aren't a random guest, you are in the wedding party. It's a fairly big impact all throughout the day if SIL has to take you out.
You've hit the nuclear button- for now. But I strongly suspect that SIL will be offer another 'solution'. I'd think very carefully how you respond to get the outcome that works for your family.

@puzzledout Sorry- you missed the sarcasm emoji. Unless there is a backstory the size of the Library of Congress, the OP is being truly bonkers.

How old are you? I note both your parents are over 80?

After 40 jet lag is a killer!

As did you miss the sarcasm ...... 🙃

Of course I'd be annoyed. Actually I'd be bloody furious. I'd still stay calm and just say 'no thanks'.

Blocking and saying you won’t see them again and that they can’t see DD either was OTT. They live in Australia and you saw them v little anyway.

Your SIL is either completely off her head or is a sly, deceitful and utterly disrespectful so and so. Good on you for cutting her off sharply.

What did your husband say to her about her arrangements?

What did he say to you when you informed him his daughter would be cut off from his family?

She's acted badly so I wouldn’t blame you for coming home, but thank B is a better option for you and your husband (if you can bear to be around them).

Saying that, you can’t single-handedly decide to cut your child off from your husband’s family over this matter. Unless he is utterly wet (given how much you say he loves his family), that just doesn’t work.

I think SIL springing the neighbour on you was really bad form. But also people have very different ways with babies. Some people who never breastfed or breastfed for a short period don’t get that it’s impractical to leave a baby for a day - your breasts will get too full and the baby might not take a bottle. But if you are used to formula feeding, you might not realise this. I have friends who were at weddings without their babies within a few weeks of giving birth because they were formula feeding. Some people also have different tolerances for babysitters.

Like others, I think your response was an over action. I can see how it feels like you were conned into going over there. And how they are ignoring your boundaries as a mother. They’d probably argue they wanted you there and had found a practical solution. I think the best option would have been to say that leaving a breastfed baby for a day simply isn’t practical but you wish them a very happy day. Blocking them and saying they’ll never see your child makes you look like the villain.

You think SIL is right......

🤔

You think k she gets to dictate when OP starts weaning from BF? You think k OP will enjoy the wedding? You think the bridezilla gets to decide on potential carers?

You think all the above is a good idea with an 8 month jet lagged baby, being handed to someone she doesn't know?

@puzzledout oops. 🤗 . In my defence, this is a seriously batshit thread.....

B

And prime Dh to reply honestly and effectively at the wedding to any questions about your absence.

"It's such a shame DW couldn't come. But on arrival in Oz the invite for our DD was rescinded and she's BF which my sister knew. Her and dd are having a lovely day at X instead"

Option B

I do think you have overreacted though and building a rod for your own back.
Why block them?
Why not say 'that won't work for us' rather than effing and jeffing?
Why say you are never going to contact them again?

Is your DC the first in the family? They may be clueless about how stupid their suggestion is of leaving an 8 month old transitioning to solids with an absolute stranger for a full day.

With kindness, this trip should all be about your DH reconnecting with his family and the wedding - try to do all you can to facilitate that. Less drama, less overreacting.

Just have a stock phrase at hand if they suggest another crazy idea 'I'm sorry but that won't work for us' is fine.

@staherts
Blocking them and saying they’ll never see your child makes you look like the villain.

Only to people who are determined to see her as a villian.
Reasonable decent people would cut her some slack and see the blocking as just a reflection on how angry/hurt she felt and actually be able to empathise to understand how the OP must have felt.

@puzzledout "You think k she gets to dictate when OP starts weaning from BF? You think k OP will enjoy the wedding? You think the bridezilla gets to decide on potential carers?

You think all the above is a good idea with an 8 month jet lagged baby, being handed to someone she doesn't know?"

No, of course I don't. I do think that "Hey, that's really not going to work- we have to find another solution" is the proper response. Not "You can fuck off, I'm going home."

Quite an aggressive response op. You could've just said 'Sorry, but I'm not comfortable with that' rather than 'you can fuck right off'. It sounds like you really hate them and they must not feel that way about you to involve you in the wedding. As for blocking them all and saying they can't see your dd again, that's ridiculous. Yes they have been a bit underhanded and are a bit pushy but you seem to want to escalate things by flouncing back to the UK. A more measured response might have led to them backing down and letting you bring dd along to the wedding.

Option b) but definitely kill them with kindness as another poster said. Be lovely about it. Helps no one you being angry about it. Blocking them is an overreaction.

Do something special with DD on the wedding day so you will
always remember it as a lovely day

B is the sensible option. I breastfeed my toddler so people have suggested I can do overnights away but I prefer not to. At 8 months I’d never been away from my baby for longer than about 3 hours. At any age I would not willingly leave my child with someone I had just met. We only use babysitters after building a relationship with them first.

Whilst the in laws have been hugely unreasonable, I would see them again with DD and DH before you leave Australia. I think the person who’s suffering most here (for various reasons) will be your DH.

Whether you enjoy the rest of the trip is partly up to you and what you make of it.

Blocking them and saying they’ll never see your child makes you look like the villain.

Who cares, it means she won't have to put up with anymore of their batshittery, they blew it, with op anyway. That's the chance you take when you manipulate people and don't respect them.

I'm sure the husband will forge a way through having a relationship with his parents without op.

After travelling and spending all that money and only because you were attending a wedding?

The cost of flying to Australia to then be told "this is the babysitter" in front of the babysitter? No discussion, no time to think k about it?

Someone even said "o hope you've not upset the neighbour"?

Really!

You would let someone treat you that badly, when it all could've been avoided, and not be angry? Try to embarrass yourself into agreement by telling you in front of the neighbour, after you'd travelled for probably 24 hours with an 8 month old.

You're a fool and will get walked over.

If you read her OP, there is a back story. They don’t like her, they think she stole ‘their boy’ - clearly there is no love lost between OP and her in-laws. She has an 8 month old, exclusively breast fed and declined to go when SiL advised there were no children at the wedding.

OP is part of the wedding party so to avoid having to re-do the plans so close to the wedding SiL told her it would be OK for her to bring baby to the wedding, waited until they got there and announced she’d ‘arranged’ for a stranger to take care of the baby during the wedding. I’d be mightily pissed too. Clearly this isn’t a hill to die on by itself, but added to what sounds like a difficult relationship at best, it’s clearly the last straw for the OP.

Op is bonkers.

I’m sure there is probably a massive backstory for the decision to block and go NC @HomeWard93

but yeah, option B and see if you can get out and about and enjoy your time alone with DS.

I completely understand that the op doesn’t want to leave the baby - her choice. What I do believe is that her reaction is extreme, and perhaps, when everyone cools down, she’ll regret it. Blocking her in laws? Denying them access to their grandchild because her sIL arranged a babysitter?!

! I was purely pointing out that there is a middle ground between leaving the 8mth old with a stranger all day and leaving it with some snacks and water for 2 hrs while she nipped to the ceremony having had trial runs. Her choice but it doesn’t have to be so combative.

Remember it as a lovely day.

You're deluded, she will remember it as a day she was excluded, left on her own in another country whilst her husband spent the day at a wedding.

Lovely day my arse.

@Lordofmyflies arranged a babysitter? It's not that though is it!

It's a stranger
The baby is BF
It was agreed she could go to the wedding
It's hidden until OP got to Australia
It costs ££££ for the flight to somewhere she wouldn't have gone, had it not been for the wedding
She would need to introduce her baby, get them to bottle of drink from a cup on the first party of her holiday (how relaxing for them all), thereby dictating how her holiday spent prior to the wedding
attend the wedding anxious, having to pump milk etc
It a breast pump and bottles

And you say they "just arranged a babysitter"

If only it were that simple.