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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to fly home with our DD?

816 replies

HomeWard93 · 02/03/2024 23:32

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

OP posts:
puzzledout · 03/03/2024 07:48

Astonetogo · 03/03/2024 07:44

Option b.
And SIL is a complete twat.
But you are playing into their hands by reacting with such drama. Telling them to fuck off, blocking them and getting DH to take the message that you’ll never see or speak to them again is putting him in an awful position at his sister’s wedding. It would be better to fume in silence, and make a personal decision to have nothing to do with them again.

Your SIL almost certainly did this in order to create a row. Why? Because she wants to drive a wedge between you and your DH, forcing him to choose between you and his family, and to eventually to leave you and come home to them.

You’re playing into their hands by making things so difficult for him.

Hopefully DH wilL attend the wedding with a face like thunder and it'll put a dampener on the day!

They then might think twice about pulling such shit and apologies for their behaviour. and ask OP to reconsider her decision.

yourlobster · 03/03/2024 07:48

HomeWard93 · 02/03/2024 23:47

I don’t think I’ll enjoy the time now but I suppose from practicality point of view B is the best option.

SIL and PIL are blocked and DH has passed on that neither I or my DD (until she is old enough to make the decision herself) will see them or have anything to do with them again.

Im already the bitch who took their “boy” away (me and DH met when I was travelling over here, he got a job in the UK and then we got married) and I do feel bad as DH loves his family and he sees so little of them (before the Xmas trip he hadn’t seen them since our wedding pre Covid). I don’t really care what they think but I do feel bad leaving DH to deal with this when he’s meant to be spending quality family time.

I think you can make a choice now whether to dwell on this and get more and more pissed off or decide to enjoy your holiday.

You'll be pissed off with them here or home but it doesn't have to ruin the break unless you let it.

Go and have a great time. Even fuck off somewhere else for a couple of days over the wedding and let them crack on.

Your SIL (and the rest of them if they know) is a prize twat for doing this but actually it's not you that suffers. It's them and probably most of all, your husband.

Decide right now, I'm going to enjoy this and I'm lucky I don't have to spend any time with that bag of dicks.

Mothership4two · 03/03/2024 07:49

Willmafrockfit · 03/03/2024 06:31

can you not leave your lo alone with neighbour, she can get to know her before the wedding?
beware of cutting off your nose to spite your face

Don't do this OP! Doesn't sound like there's a snowball's chance in Hell you would anyway. No way I would have left my children with someone I didn't know or trust. DC come way before family politics or politeness.

Option B is the best way to go. Although, I would tell SIL you absolutely will only come to the wedding with DD to give her the opportunity to back down which I have a sneaking feeling she will if she knows you mean what you say. She sounds a sneaky nightmare.

Scaffoldingisugly · 03/03/2024 07:50

Sil clearly doesn't like you so her reasons for insisting you are at her wedding are simply to cause trouble....

RandomForest · 03/03/2024 07:50

Unusualactualname · 03/03/2024 07:44

Errrrmmm... just say 'no thanks'? No need for swearing and drama. Moral high ground and all that.

Show quote history

No I'd be annoyed, why couldn't they be honest and then op could have stayed in the UK and not wasted money and not had the annoyance of being disliked so far away from home because she didn't fall into line with their plans.

She's gonna feel shit for the rest of this holiday, and you just know her names goinna be mud at that wedding.

Get back home op.

Richtea67 · 03/03/2024 07:50

catscalledbeanz · 02/03/2024 23:57

"SIL and PIL are blocked and DH has passed on that neither I or my DD (until she is old enough to make the decision herself) will see them or have anything to do with them again. "

My god what an over reaction! Particularly in the week of a wedding. Why are you making it about you? Agree to disagree, say you can't attend without dd and graciously bow out. DONT MAKE A SCENE FGS! There's no need. They live literally on the other side of the world so this won't crop up often. Very time your invited claim prior commitment or poverty- when people live in Australia it's fucking easy to avoid them without the need for confrontation! Why on earth make such a drama?!?! You are making a villain of yourself!

I completely agree with this!

Toooldtoworry · 03/03/2024 07:50

@HomeWard93 go and enjoy your holiday with baby and DH when he's not at the wedding. I know it's hard because I'd be pissed off but try and treat this as a wonderful break.

Astonetogo · 03/03/2024 07:51

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 07:48

Hopefully DH wilL attend the wedding with a face like thunder and it'll put a dampener on the day!

They then might think twice about pulling such shit and apologies for their behaviour. and ask OP to reconsider her decision.

Show quote history

Highly unlikely, if they cared about what OP and DH think and feel they would never have pulled this stunt in the first place.
More likely they will take advantage of the opportunity to bad-mouth OP in her absence, and use what she has said and done during the row to paint her as the unreasonable one. They will be nice as anything to DH.

katepilar · 03/03/2024 07:51

I would stay, if you have a place where you feel comfortable staying, but wouldnt go to the wedding, wouldnt leave your baby daughter with anyone.

HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 03/03/2024 07:51

I have voted YABU because your attitude to your in laws in your posts is really not very nice.
However I do think it’s a bit much of them to organise a random babysitter without discussing it with you. Obviously you don’t go to the wedding, but don’t fly home. Enjoy your holidays.

GRex · 03/03/2024 07:53

By creating a big fuss, you've made it look like you're unreasonable even though your original position was completely fair. You could have done option B politely to keep the moral high ground. A simple "As I explained before we left, I won't be leaving DD, so I can bring her along or just see you guys the day after,. It's your day, so it's up to you."

Your DH's over-reaction was childish and unnecessary, I'm surprised they still want him at the wedding. I'm not sure you understand why so I'll try to explain; the first issue is the escalation in the leap to "never" on the basis of a single day invitation, and the second is giving out fierce ultimatums when he still plans to trot merrily along to a celebration with them in a few days! Either or both of you changing flights to rush home would be even stranger behaviour, it isn't like there's nothing else to do in Australia apart from that one wedding. Deep breaths the pair of you, calm down, apologise for the over-reaction and calmly say you're going with option B so DH can attend. You barely see his family, no need to burn bridges.

Voone · 03/03/2024 07:53

@Peekingovertheparapet

so go back out there, with a smile, apologise about jet lag and feeling blindsided and being irrational.

No she should not do this.
Apologise about feeling blindsided after they actually did blindside her after getting her to fly to Australia?
And apologise for being irrational when it's the SIL who is being irrational?

Fuck that shit!

Voone · 03/03/2024 07:54

Richtea67 · 03/03/2024 07:50

I completely agree with this!

Show quote history

Another one who agrees with the building a time machine plan then 😂

CurlewKate · 03/03/2024 07:55

"Hopefully DH wilL attend the wedding with a face like thunder and it'll put a dampener on the day! "

Yeah, that's a good idea.🤔

Lordofmyflies · 03/03/2024 07:55

The drama!! It think the combo of a controlling bride and a new mum is near going to end well.. yes you have been blindsided and it was totally rude and assuming of them that you would leave your 8 month with a neighbour for a few hours. However, the baby is 8 months, weaned??, you both could have had trial runs before the wedding, you could have just gone to the ceremony and popped back. There are many options.
i think telling your family to F off, block them and deny contact with your child is very much an extreme reaction. I would politely apologise your response - blame shock- and stay with your toddler for the day whilst dh goes to the wedding.

Voone · 03/03/2024 07:55

GRex · 03/03/2024 07:53

By creating a big fuss, you've made it look like you're unreasonable even though your original position was completely fair. You could have done option B politely to keep the moral high ground. A simple "As I explained before we left, I won't be leaving DD, so I can bring her along or just see you guys the day after,. It's your day, so it's up to you."

Your DH's over-reaction was childish and unnecessary, I'm surprised they still want him at the wedding. I'm not sure you understand why so I'll try to explain; the first issue is the escalation in the leap to "never" on the basis of a single day invitation, and the second is giving out fierce ultimatums when he still plans to trot merrily along to a celebration with them in a few days! Either or both of you changing flights to rush home would be even stranger behaviour, it isn't like there's nothing else to do in Australia apart from that one wedding. Deep breaths the pair of you, calm down, apologise for the over-reaction and calmly say you're going with option B so DH can attend. You barely see his family, no need to burn bridges.

Or just wait it out and see if the SIL apologises.

She said never, it doesn't mean never, the family can always apologise and try to make amends themselves if they care.

Butchyrestingface · 03/03/2024 07:55

Like most people, I would go with B.

But I do this is an overreaction. Why are you cutting your PiL out of your child’s over something your SiL has done? Do you just want to be done with them all and her behaviour has provided the excuse?

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 07:59

Lordofmyflies · 03/03/2024 07:55

The drama!! It think the combo of a controlling bride and a new mum is near going to end well.. yes you have been blindsided and it was totally rude and assuming of them that you would leave your 8 month with a neighbour for a few hours. However, the baby is 8 months, weaned??, you both could have had trial runs before the wedding, you could have just gone to the ceremony and popped back. There are many options.
i think telling your family to F off, block them and deny contact with your child is very much an extreme reaction. I would politely apologise your response - blame shock- and stay with your toddler for the day whilst dh goes to the wedding.

But the OP doesn't want to??

End of conversation.

JacquiSun · 03/03/2024 08:00

Tell SIL the baby is coming to the wedding, just to see what she says. Or just show up with the baby. Everything else sounds nuts so why not.

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 08:01

CurlewKate · 03/03/2024 07:55

"Hopefully DH wilL attend the wedding with a face like thunder and it'll put a dampener on the day! "

Yeah, that's a good idea.🤔

Agreed!

Make SIL think about her actions.

Having one bridesmaid missing won't be enough I fear!

ClairDeLaLune · 03/03/2024 08:01

catscalledbeanz · 02/03/2024 23:57

"SIL and PIL are blocked and DH has passed on that neither I or my DD (until she is old enough to make the decision herself) will see them or have anything to do with them again. "

My god what an over reaction! Particularly in the week of a wedding. Why are you making it about you? Agree to disagree, say you can't attend without dd and graciously bow out. DONT MAKE A SCENE FGS! There's no need. They live literally on the other side of the world so this won't crop up often. Very time your invited claim prior commitment or poverty- when people live in Australia it's fucking easy to avoid them without the need for confrontation! Why on earth make such a drama?!?! You are making a villain of yourself!

Agree. Total over-reaction. You have completely lost the moral high ground with this.

You could easily have done option (b) and just enjoyed the trip as a holiday without creating so much family drama and making it all about you.

RandomForest · 03/03/2024 08:03

This sort of shit breaks husbands and wives up, and they know.

I can't help thinking this was a deliberate power play.

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 08:03

Voone · 03/03/2024 07:53

@Peekingovertheparapet

so go back out there, with a smile, apologise about jet lag and feeling blindsided and being irrational.

No she should not do this.
Apologise about feeling blindsided after they actually did blindside her after getting her to fly to Australia?
And apologise for being irrational when it's the SIL who is being irrational?

Fuck that shit!

Agreed, do people also expect her to

  1. Purchase bottles
  2. Start expressing and buy a pump
  3. Start giving formula

With an 8 month EBF jet lagged baby....

So easy!

Grimchmas · 03/03/2024 08:04

I would stay and be dammed determined to have a nice holiday with my DD.

I wouldn't have told them to fuck off, and I wouldn't have blocked them though - I'd have said "oh dear of course i can't leave my baby with somebody who I don't know, that's obviously not going to work <charming smile>. DH will attend the wedding and I and DD won't. Have a lovely time!"

strawberry2017 · 03/03/2024 08:04

Option b. Enjoy the break and ignore them