To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

We had similar when our twins were 18 months.

We got to the wedding, and as we were about to sit down to the meal it was suggested to us that our kids might not want to eat and we could put them upstairs in their own with no adults.

I was so angry.

They hadn't provided a space or any food for them and they wanted us to lock our kids in a room out of the way.

I felt livid, anger doesn't even come close.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's crap to feel like family were including you and then they drop this kind of stuff on you.

For us that wedding was so difficult we were busy for about a decade when that side of the family wanted to meet up. We weren't the only ones - it was awful in many other ways and other relatives also visited/contacted much much less.

Take some time to enjoy Australia with your baby.

Some family members aren't worth keeping the peace for.

Yep, this. She’s been gaslighted into going to the wedding and is then expected to try to get DD used to a bottle, pump milk and leave her with a stranger. It’s a rotten trick and on that basis, I have no problem believing the OP’s account of how unpleasant they are.

Option d You stay as bridesmaid but Babysitter takes DD to wedding and brings her to you for feeds?

I take it that SIL has no children if her own yet? She’ll get it when she does become a mother herself that babies can’t be left behind like a reborn doll.

I think when you're in the right there's no need to go nuclear. All you do is give them ammo to think you're unreasonable. Telling the bride to fuck off in the week of the wedding isn't a great move- whether she deserved it or not. I'd probably have just said oh that won't suit. And then not engage any further on the topic. I'd be the absolute height of reasonableness but I'd never put myself out for them again. I'd only do things that suited me. I wouldn't block them and then tell them they'll never seen dd again. But it might happen that they don't see her again whilst it's up to me to organise.

They were in the wrong but with your redaction the narrative will be she threw an absolute strop the week of the wedding, I organised a babysitter and everything. Mom was crying she said we'd never see dd again etc. instead of oh she can't come she won't leave dd.

But how much do the ils care about the dc? Take away it's food /comfort and it's dm (and handed to a stranger) to appease sil and keep the wedding photo shoot correct?

You’ve handled this quite badly and sound like a petulant child, OP.

Of course his parents will be devastated that their son has chosen to live on the other side of the world. Any normal loving parents would be. Are they not allowed to express how they feel? He’s still their little boy and always will be. My oldest two are in their forties but they’re still my boys.

Maybe try and imagine your daughter grown up and moving to OZ and you rarely seeing her or future grandchildren? Would you be so flippant then?

Lots of brides seem to want child free weddings (which I think is ridiculous myself), but you didn’t have to swear at SIL and tell her to fuck off. You could have calmly explained that you don’t want to leave your daughter with a stranger and maybe we can work something else out?

A calm rational head is needed here not your version of a Eastenders banshee.

I feel sorry for your DH in all this.

The baby is only eight months old. It will be the baby's main food source until the age of one.

They are not interested in the baby. They didn’t actually want to see the baby they wanted baby left behind in the uk

Well the SIL & PILs aren't bothered about the baby so why shouldn't she now be left to decide whether or not she's bothered about them when old enough to do so?

I'd be making a holiday of it now pref with husband, but I wouldn't be hanging around anywhere near these awful people.

This.

Obviously you can't leave your baby with a random stranger, that's nuts, but there was no need to tell your SIL to fuck off, let alone go zero contact for years. You should have just said no, you won't be doing that, and left DH to attend on his own.

You've massively over-reacted, such a drama llama!

Another vote for Option B and being cheerful about it. Oh well, I can't come then, impossible for me to leave DD, have a nice day.
Try to enjoy your time away and look at what you can do locally with DD. Sucks for your DH to go on his own but at least then he sees his family.
Your SIL is ridiculous to expect you to leave your baby with a stranger without agreeing with you first, even without that massive time and cost involved with your trip.

Only if the mother chooses to breastfeed until age 1. Many people wean or reduce breastfeeding at about 6 months. I did. And of course there is no law that says you have to breastfeed at all unless you want to!

It was offered, you happily accepted. That's the difference. Some might consider it strange not to take a tiny baby to a family funeral, rather than leave with your in-laws' unknown neighbour.

It is completely irrational to say that the child will have nothing to do with her grandparents until said child is old enough to decide for herself. Even in this circumstance.

there are ways of taking a stand that aren’t by throwing a tantrum and a calmer setting of the boundaries will be better in the long term.

For those that think op is high drama and should apologise for swearing

What would you reaction be if someone lied to you, had you spend £thousands, wasted your time off and expected you to hand over your 8 month old breast fed baby to a stranger

I think Fuck Off was quite tame

Never said anyone had to breastfeed. At all. Merely paraphrasing the relevant World Health Organisation's guidelines which are widely accepted. For formula or breast. Food before one is just for fun and all that.

nailed it.

Many (most?) brides are not interested in babies at their weddings, especially a family baby who lives overseas and so is likely to be the star of the show. But I’m not sure that OP has said anything that suggests her PIL think this, I rather suspect this is sibling rivalry playing out and other family dynamics are at play.

surely weaning starts at 6 months?

@HomeWard93 I could have written your posts.

I am also the bitch who took their precious boy away. Even after twenty years they still have nothing good to say about me - they once told my DH he was welcome back after the rose coloured glasses came off.

I’ve not been to Australia in over 10 years and doubt I’ll ever return to see his family. I don’t speak with them and have absolutely nothing to do with them.

Over the years seeing how I was treated my husband has pulled away and is now effectively LC with his entire family. It’s sad - but it was their choice to react this badly to my DH moving to the UK with me. Don’t feel bad - they made their bed so let them lie in it. Protect your children because I imagine they’ll bad mouth you at first opportunity when they get them alone.

Good luck - I am sorry for how it turned out and what you’re currently going through.

Absolutely no way would I ever leave my baby with a neighbour I have never met. I wouldn't do it with my 7 year old. I would imagine the 'fuck off' response would be the absolute shock of flying all that way and then finding out they expected OP to leave her baby!! No way is that an option. I can't get over posters thinking of solutions that the babysitter could work - who would leave their child with a random person. Enjoy your holiday with DD and steer clear of the wedding

@Willmafrockfit surely milk is still an very important part if nutrition at 8 months?

Do the second option- just don’t go to the wedding but don’t leave your husband to come back to uk. In fact, say ok, I’ll leave my daughter with neighbour, then at last minute say you have diarrhoea and can’t go to the wedding.

Exactly. If OP doesn’t want to talk to them again that is up to her, but to stop her daughter meeting them (obviously her DH taking her)? That is a bit far

Oh FFS. Op needs to bend over backwards yet they don't want the DD at the wedding?? THIS is how you create toxic families. Op they wouldn't be spending time with me OR my dd, and thank your lucky stars that they live too far away to be in her life.

There’s a lot going on here both the background, the crux of this - being blindsided and asked to leave your baby/baby being uninvited, the future as a consequence of your actions (not saying these are right or wrong).

But this comment from a PP is the biggest gaslighting crap I’ve read on here for a while

”You’ve spoilt this trip and ruined what should have been a wonderful family celebration bc you didn’t clarify the situation and you’ve overreacted to a thoughtless suggestion.”

When you get home in a few weeks, I would sit down with your DH and have a serious chat about what he wants to do with regard to his family and him and DD seeing them.

It’s important that you support him in that, regardless of how you feel about his family. And it’s important that the pair of you are on exactly the same page as a family unit about how you handle them.

You indicated this causes tension in your relationship , which you mentioned was only 5%, but is it only 5% because they’re in Australia and actually you and your DH are not aligned?? I think as a couple you need to eliminate this as far as possible.