To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

Of course do B.

No way should a stranger be allowed to look after your BF baby. It's crazy 🤪

But my goodness you have over re acted
What a drama you are making when a polite "no", is fine

Stop being an "all about me" person

Find grace and joy and have a fun holiday

Allow your husband to enjoy his time with his family without your drama intruding all the time

Organising a babysitter without consulting you was crass. But swearing at them, telling them 'you can fuck right off' was awful.

Apparently they wanted her to leave the baby behind for two weeks innitially.

They don't care about the babe, understanderbly the SIL has no expeience, but the MIL should have more sense.

I could just see it now the babe being left with this neighbour, screaming the house down becausse she doen't know the woman whose looking after her and unable to pacify her with a bottle because she used to being breastfed, it's not feasable.

But you can bet when this SIL has her own kids, it will be very different, her needs will be taken into account. I've seen these types of inlaws and how they operate, not a brain cell between them until the life stage which presents itself is upon them.

You have boundaries op, well done.

Of course dont go, it's incredibly weird to try and force you into leaving your LO. But telling them they'll never see their grandson again? What?! Why?!

With a stranger?

Just to be different I would opt for C. Returning home so quickly would mean the baby would adapt quicker to her correct time zone. After two weeks she will firmly be in the Australian time zone and it will be difficult going home. Leave your husband to have two quality weeks with his family. If he doesn’t see them often then it will be good for him and make you feel less guilty.

but everyone is a stranger fgs
this is ridiculous

Option B.

But also tell SIL to fuck off and never ever try to manipulate you again

I also think that if it was my DH, he wouldn't go to the wedding either TBH. His sister's behaviour is so poor that he'd probably be raging and enjoy the wedding about as much as having his teeth pulled out.

Total disgrace she is, so are PIL.

So because she hasn't got childcare she should leave her baby with a random neighbour?

@Willmafrockfit are you seriously saying that OP should leave her child under these circumstances?

Are you the SIL?

I think you need to apologise for telling her to fuck off tbh. A simple “no, as explained before we travelled I’m not leaving baby, she’s breastfed and too young to be left”. They shouldn’t have blindsided you with the neighbor. I hope that the neighbor isn’t offended.

the blocking and bad language is just drama.

option B, try to enjoy the trip, unblock in-laws. Watch your expressions, you are easily, you can be cordial.

Nope it was totally justified!

What was OP supposed to do, smoke sweetly!

Act like a fucking nasty piece of work and I'll
tell you straight what you are.

I won't sit smiling sweetly after paying £££ to not attend a wedding and say "no thank you" I'll stay home.

Sorry I missed the bit where you told her to fuck off!

Well done 👏

Not everyone wants to be a mug!

Neighbour upset? OP didn't upset her, so she doesn't need to worry.

OP should keep them blocked, they deserve zero respect.

Where is your DH in all this? In acting so dramatically (in terms of blocking people and banning them from DD’s life) you’re giving him very little agency and room for manoeuvre.

yes, what she has done is shitty, and believe me I do know where you are coming from regarding the wedding - I refused to leave my kids for a family wedding (my side) 2 hours from home when they were aged 3 and 13 months as the 13mo was still breastfeeding. My cousin did not understand, especially as being a wedding there was nobody to leave the kids with.

But I do also have a fairly tense relationship with my PIL, albeit one that has mellowed from the high drama days of young children, mostly because I have mellowed. You have absolutely no right to deny your child a relationship with her grandparents, and in being so dramatic you are painting yourself as the villain.

the correct option is to let the wedding happen and stay away from it with DD. I think having the neighbour as a +1 to help
mind DD at the wedding might have been a good option actually as the photos etc won’t be easy if you’re looking after a baby.

Your SIL has been a prat but siblings are funny and for all you know her parents are like a stuck record about your DD, and how wonderful she is and excited about her arriving. sIL is having her day and being a bit nutty about it.

so go back out there, with a smile, apologise about jet lag and feeling blindsided and being irrational. Go and enjoy family time and let them make memories. Avoid the wedding.

of course not, but the wedding is not for a week, she can get to know her, there are ways around this rather than this reaction,

Assuming you’ve recently arrived I vote go home. It’ll be easier to get DD on UK time if she’s not adjusted to Australia yet. Try to be the bigger person though (I say this as someone who struggles to be).

Nowhere near as awful as deciding that OP’s child can be left with a stranger that she has only met once after she explained why she couldn’t leave her baby before she flew all the way there. That was not their decision to make or try to change her mind whatsoever and it shows they don’t care about OP’s baby at all.

OP said what she said, and they could have accepted it or SIL could have not had her as a bridesmaid. They earned those words.

B. I would just say because DD can't go to the wedding you won't be there either because you will be with her. I wouldn't say anything else. Realistically you don't ever see them anyway.

I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”

Well there's certainly no love lost between you and your ILs is there I'm struggling to understand why you even agreed to be bridesmaid.

Your SIL was clearly in the wrong, but you didn't need to swear at anyone, nor block them, to make your point. Just politely point out that their plan wouldn't work for you or DD, so you unfortunately wouldn't be attending the wedding. Then leave it at that.

They live on the other side of the world, it's not like you're ever going to accidentally run into them, but by choosing the nuclear option you've put your poor DH in the position of knowing his own child can't have a relationship with the family he loves and already hardly gets to see. Very unfair, presuming you actually love him.

Errrrmmm... just say 'no thanks'? No need for swearing and drama. Moral high ground and all that.

Option b.
And SIL is a complete twat.
But you are playing into their hands by reacting with such drama. Telling them to fuck off, blocking them and getting DH to take the message that you’ll never see or speak to them again is putting him in an awful position at his sister’s wedding. It would be better to fume in silence, and make a personal decision to have nothing to do with them again.

Your SIL almost certainly did this in order to create a row. Why? Because she wants to drive a wedge between you and your DH, forcing him to choose between you and his family, and to eventually to leave you and come home to them.

You’re playing into their hands by making things so difficult for him.

of course not, but the wedding is not for a week, she can get to know her, there are ways around this rather than this reaction,

An eight month old getting to know someone within a week, have you had babies ?

It wax not a potential babysitter, it was served as "flossie is looking after your DC" .

No. Either me or DH decide who looks after our baby and I'm not sure a holiday if the time is decide to bottle train!

Are you seriously telling me you would use a complete stranger to look after your 8 month old baby?

I found it hard enough leaving my baby in a qualified childcare setting and I wasn't breastfeeding.