To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

No, she's on a flight home i expect!

By them I meant PIL, what have they done to warrant never seeing their granddaughter bc their daughter offended their DIL? How is that being a doormat?

I couldn’t agree more

You've done the right thing. Fuck them.

Are you on separate accommodation and own car etc ? If so do t go to the wedding and enjoy a holiday , if but then I would be flying home and would never come back

This is one side of the back story- the only side we have.

Many of us know a person who acts irrationally, but to them, they are the victim. There's no reason that that isn't plausible here as on the only facts we have, things don't seem to add up.

1. she says her in laws hate her for taking away their "boy". Boy is in quotes as though she thinks it shows how awful they are to still call him that. When in fact it's entirely normal for grown parents to refer to their grown son as their boy?

2. in laws came from Aus-UK last year for Christmas because it was the baby's first Christmas. OP only saw them for 2 hours on Christmas. Presumably she "let" her husband and child see them for longer (you can hope, anyway) but even so that's pretty objectively rude unless there's a huge backstory (which we don't have)

3. SIL asked OP to be bridesmaid indicating that no matter what OP thought, certainly her SIL loves her and wants her to be part of her wedding

4. SIL suggested leaving baby at home and then arranged a babysitter without telling OP. Both stupid actions, which could be done either because SIL is malicious or because she simply has no concept of what kids are. I know people who would do the same without any nasty intent and simply need to be put right.

5. No mention that PIL were involved in this.

6. Instead of just saying "oh that can't work, but your brother can hold the baby while I be bridesmaid" OP has pulled out of being bridesmaid, swore at the bride, and announced to her in laws that they won't have any contact with their grandchild. Enormously upsetting for them and will now be a major memory associated with their daughter's wedding.

OP hasn't returned, and if there was a backstory that puts her actions into context to make them justifiable, you would think she would have done so.

There's a real split in responses between people who agree with the above take and people who think OP was entirely justified even on the limited facts we have. It's been interesting to read.

SIL and PIL are blocked and DH has passed on that neither I or my DD (until she is old enough to make the decision herself) will see them or have anything to do with them again.

I think it's deranged to say that your DD's own grandparents can never see her again, until she's old enough to choose. If I was your DH I would never do that. Presumably your DH is Australian, why cut off your DD from half of her culture and family like that. If your SIL doesn't have children she may well not understand. Saying "You can fuck right off" is really aggressive, too, a simple "Oh there's been a misunderstanding, I'm not happy leaving DD. It's no problem, I'll just have to skip the wedding" would be fine.

I'd go for a non-theatrical version of B. Have a holiday, don't go to the wedding.

Good post.

point 6 though - we don’t know what SIL said to leave baby for 2 weeks. She said the wedding was child free and OP responded to say she couldn’t leave baby.

Their company is not a safe enviroment for op to be in.

If a result of that is their relationship with their grandchild is affected

IT'S ON THEM

This whole episode shows me they are not reasonable people and the problems before the wedding should not all be attributed entirely at the op's door.

I'd be on the first plane home.

That's rubbish, nobody is going to leave their baby with a neighbour of their in-laws, particularly in-laws you don't really have a relationship with. I also have much sympathy for you paying for flights and for travelling all that way to find out you've been tricked. However as others have said cutting off contact with them entirely is a bit extreme and is going to be a real strain on your husband and inevitably will impact on your relationship with him. Given you don't have to deal with them very often as you live a long way apart, I would try and be the better person and let the grandparents spend some time with their grand child in your presence. Although it sounds like the relationship was already very strained if they flew all the way to the UK for Christmas and actually only saw their grandchild for a few hours on Christmas Day itself. Is the wedding ceremony indoors? They are often outside in Australia in public places, at the beach or in a park. I've been to quite a few weddings in Oz (we lived there for a while and my in-laws continue to live there) and only one of them was an indoor ceremony. I realise you don't actually want to be at the wedding, but I am just wondering if you could actually go to the ceremony with the baby if it's in a public space, and just skip the reception.

Their company is not a safe enviroment for op to be in.

@RandomForest How are they not safe? Unless I’ve missed something, they’re not wielding machetes.
I agree that they may not be particularly nice, thoughtless, and the OP appears to dislike them.

When you choose to marry someone from another country there are compromises to be made on all sides. If you truly don’t get along then lucky you, you barely need to see them. But attempting to eliminate them entirely from your DD’s life is not fair on her or your DH.

@Remaker I’m also in a cross-cultural marriage and I completely agree with this. You have to make compromises and take very different perspectives to your own into account. Sometimes you fundamentally disagree on certain issues (I certainly do with DH’s family) so you need to find common ground where you can.

The OP may never like her DH’s family, but she shouldn’t try to eliminate contact between them and her DH/DD. She may find them crass and thoughtless, they probably don’t like her much either. But no one’s committed a crime, they’re just very different people.

OP has been clear about what was said. SiL asked her to be a bridesmaid, but that babies were not welcome at the wedding. OP said she couldn’t leave baby, SiL said OK, as her niece baby would be welcome. No mention of the neighbour babysitting until OP arrived in Oz. So baby still wasn’t welcome at the wedding itself - a point which SiL neglected to mention until it was too late to do anything. If OP had stayed at home with baby SiL would have had to find another bridesmaid, so she lied to get OP there and expected her to fall in with what she had planned - leaving her exclusively breast fed child with someone she’d never met while she did SiL bidding at the wedding. As things stand OP is still not going to the wedding but it’s cost her a lot of money, a long flight with an 8 month old, and the prospect of two weeks with people she doesn’t like. And who don’t like her.

OP gave the back story in her update, so why are you so eager to dismiss it as untrue ? Perfectly plausible for them to resent her for removing their ‘boy’ to the other side of the world. Their behaviour towards OP must have been pretty unpleasant for her to want to avoid them to the extent she does -and this latest episode seems to bear that out. Hence the split in responses.

Interesting also to note that people are assuming it was entirely her decision to stop contact for herself and DD, when what she actually said was that her DH had passed that on - suggesting a mutual decision. OP seems to be entirely reasonable in her attitude towards her DH continuing his relationship with his family so I’m at a loss as to why you would think she ‘lets’ him spend time with them, as though he has to have her approval, when she clearly has no problem with it.

Yeah, your interpretation of all the info we have is also the other argument of what reality could look like. And it's true that we really can't say- on the limited info we actually do have, I think mine is more likely but also it's entirely feasible that yours is.

I would say I dont believe that's how people usually use "pass on" in a sentence- to pass on implies you're a messenger and just passing the information you've been asked to.

DH has passed on that neither I or my DD (until she is old enough to make the decision herself) will see them or have anything to do with them again.

@Rosscameasdoody I don’t think it was a mutual decision, she refers to “my DD” rather than “our DD”. Her DH is the messenger.

*Many of us know a person who acts irrationally, but to them, they are
the victim. There's no reason that that isn't plausible here as on the
only facts we have, things don't seem to add up. *

Has she acted irrationally though, from what I've seen op agreed to be a bridesmaid for her SIL, she was prepared to use up their limited vacation time for this wedding fortnight in Australia. The babe is only 8 months old, no mean feat travelling with a babe. She also knows there is an undercurrent of not getting on between them, she put this to one side and accepted graciously.

What has she asked for?

Just that her baby can be with her so she can tend and breastfeed the child, That's it.
She has not been demanding.

Your comment shows more about you, that if someone does not fall into line they are irrational and if they complain they see themselves as a victim.

Turn it round, if you expect someone to fall in line, without question, and not complain then you are a bully.

Your comment shows more about you, that if someone does not fall into line they are irrational and if they complain they see themselves as a victim.

Turn it round, if you expect someone to fall in line, without question, and not complain then you are a bully.

But that's not what I've said, is it? I don't think the SIL was right, and I don't think she should fall into line. I obviously don't think she should hand her baby to the neighbour. I've said as such in every comment I made.

I do think that we don't have enough information to be confident one way or another, but on what we have I am leaning towards the OP being over the top in her response.

SIL and PIL are blocked and DH has passed on that neither I or my DD (until she is old enough to make the decision herself) will see them or have anything to do with them again.

Poor DH.

The tough girls in my town had a saying:

”Don’t start no shit won’t be no shit.”

OP’s SIL shouldn’t have started no shit.
And you shouldn’t put words into other people’s mouths.

It sounds like you’ve already dealt with this in your own way. Weddings are stressful things & your SIL has showed her kindness by asking you to be a bridesmaid.
She obviously doesn’t understand the breastfeeding thing, and nor did I before I had children. She has treated you badly by failing to communicate properly.
I’d look for a halfway house here. I don’t know how close you are staying to the ceremony, but I’d attend the ceremony, give them my best wishes & love & then slip away.
The more you can do to help their day go smoothly, the more bridges you can build & the more you can put your SIL at the centre, (it is her wedding day after all), the more you DH will love you & respect you for making the effort.
Blood is thicker than water, I can be as rude as I like to my own family, but woe betide anyone who criticises my siblings, I’ll always defend them, they’re my family. Good luck!

I’d go home. No way would I put myself through that. These people don’t care about you or DD.

Option B.

You only want to fly home to enjoy a particularly triumphant “fuck you,” but you can do that by staying in Australia, enjoying it and avoiding them.

I am English and I moved to Australia to be with my ex fiancé. I know exactly how obnoxious people can be in that situation and it’s 100 times worse when you’re out of your comfort zone. Once I got there, he, his father (a perma drunk, Trump-loving cattle farmer) and some other friends and relatives treated me like shit and I was utterly miserable. I had a verbal showdown with his father in front of half the family not long before I left and never saw him again. My ex’s mum and siblings were lovely, at least.

It didn’t work out but I do regret not seeing more of the country on my own! Australia is very mother and child-friendly; enjoy the slower pace of life, the fantastic brunches, morning birdsong and beautiful sunsets. Make memories and give yourself a rest. Maybe spend the flight money on a nice resort!

Just don’t go. No need to make a huge drama of it.