To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

@losthj Yes, this is how adults deal with things.

I’d forgotten that the OP only saw them for two hours over Christmas when they’d come over from Australia, that’s bizarre. Perhaps it’s a case of two drama queens in one family. 🤷

@Voone because it's weird! And OP says he has but has he? Who knows. He may have left the lot of them to calm down and sent a calm message to SIL saying all or none sis.

Maybe so, and if he has then hopefully the SIL will cop on, and if she still says no to the baby being there then maybe the DH will decide he's cutting contact with her himself anyway!

It's also bizarre that when they were arranging the holiday that they didn't want her to bring the baby at all.
I would have thought they would have been so excited to see the baby again seeing as they only met her once at Christmas but apparently not!

@BruFord exactly.

And by god my in-laws, and actually my own family are a nightmare. I could write a book.

But we have the discussion, argument, maintain or own personal boundary and keep going.

I feel for the people who have had to cut contact for real, serious reasons who are then not taken seriously.

Yes op, suck it up and apologise for telling them to f off, for the sake of your h's relationship with his family.

You can spend the day pushing around a pram on your own in Sidney or wherever whilst his family has a ceremony and knees up, I'm sure it'll be great, hopefully you will feel safe and will come to no harm, especially if you stay out late because you don't want to back in the hotel or whatever on your own.

You may even get to clean his vomit up at the end of the evening if you're really lucky or maybe he'll be partying away with old flames that are friends of the family, lucky you!
They may even have a rip roaring time ripping you apart to their guests, you the ungrateful, breasfeeding, non trusting of complete stangers cow that you are.
Why didn't you just leave that oh so loved baby back in the UK like they told you to, you clearly are a bad mother for wanting her with you, tut, tut.

What a holiday.

OP hasn't been back to answer, so we dont know,

*Hopefully she's on a flight back to the Uk.
*

I have experience of this from both sides. I’m Australian, live in Australia married to an Englishman. My brother was married to an American and lived there.

I would vote option B but I think you’ve completely overreacted right before your SIL’s wedding. It should be about her, not you. Of course you should not feel obliged to leave your DC with a stranger but there was no need to be swearing. As for blocking all contact it sounds like you were just waiting for an excuse to do that. If you go ahead on this path it will reflect very badly on you and likely will drive a wedge between you and your DH over time.

When you choose to marry someone from another country there are compromises to be made on all sides. If you truly don’t get along then lucky you, you barely need to see them. But attempting to eliminate them entirely from your DD’s life is not fair on her or your DH.

Perhaps try to imagine telling this story to your DD in the future to explain why she has no contact with her GP. See if it makes you cringe, because it should. However there’s still time to turn it around into the story of why you didn’t go to Aunty X’s wedding.

Maybe by blocking abusers, the child will avoid being abused by an uncaring sister in law. My mum stood up for me as a child and blocked out abusive family in law, I am so thankful that she stood up for me, and when I eventually saw the family again, there was no difference in the way I was treated as a child, I was treated like the kid that they didn’t want. Not all grandmothers are lovely, definitely not in my case.

Definitely option B. Enjoy your time in Aus and an extra special day with DD if you have time to arrange something.

Completely agree with this. Who the fuck blocks their in-laws over something like this? It's so juvenile, and such a HUGE over reaction. You are dripping in bitterness over your husbands family, you absolutely hate them, and it seeps through every word that you write about them. Your poor, poor husband being stuck in the middle. You could have easily bowed out with minimum fuss, but no, you have made your SIL's wedding ALL about you and you're even threatening to fly home and cancel the whole holiday? What? Why? Fucking hell. Worst thing I've ever read on MN, and that's saying something given the stuff you read on here. Cop yourself on.

Sorry wrong thread although how that happened when I used the quote function I have no idea

@Yalta it isn't the wrong thread. That poster has posted her incorrect and unhelpful views extensively on this thread.

You sound more dramatic than OP tbh.

Not sure why some are automatically assuming OP said their DD wouldn’t see the grandparents until 18. OP said until she was old enough. Old enough could easily mean old enough for DD to communicate her needs and how things are going. The in-laws don’t like her and she doesn’t like them because of it so makes sense she would see them as less as possible and stay out of the way so her DH can spend time with his side of the family.

SIL didn’t want her niece there to begin with, knew OP had a baby and wasn’t happy when OP explained that she wouldn’t be able to be a bridesmaid and the why.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome.

Funny, how some posters say it’s someone wedding they can do what they want and that people can decline if they don’t want to follow the rules, yet OP did decline beforehand and the bride could have simply accepted her answer and found someone else instead. SIL could have also asked if OP would have been comfortable having someone watch the baby but I find it hard to believe she didn’t know OP would decline this after OP explained beforehand why she couldn’t leave her baby.

Reads to me SIL had probably told people beforehand that OP was going to be bridesmaid, but didn’t expect or factor in OP declining due to her no baby rule because why else would she not accept OP’s decline since she really didn’t want baby there and then decided to blindside OP with some random person despite OP telling her she couldn’t leave baby in the beginning?

SIL may not have children but not taking OP’s reasons seriously shows what she really thinks about OP.

Who the fuck lies to a woman that she can bring the baby to the wedding, gets her to fly to Australia and then tells her here's the neighbour that's going to be looking after your baby, and then expects the mother to get the baby used to the bottle by the weekend?

Who the fuck lies to a woman that she can bring the baby to the wedding, gets her to fly to Australia and then tells her here's the neighbour that's going to be looking after your baby, and then expects the mother to get the baby used to the bottle by the weekend?

I think a lot of posters have missed this extremely salient point. Although who also has family (inlaws) fly over from Australia to only allow them to see you for two hours?

I think we are missing a huge chunk of back story here.

Re a few PP: OP didn't say that she only ‘allowed’ IL’s to see her foe a couple of hours though, did she - just that this was how long she personally spent with them. They likely spent loads of time, days probably, wither DH and DD while she looked after baby or visited her family over Christmas.

The backstory is there - the IL’s resent her for seducing their son and his leaving Aus to get a job and marry her. That they are so disinterested in her child (their beloved bother/son’s child) that they thought he should leave the baby in the UK for 2 weeks to facilitate his visit in the first place shows where their priorities lie - and it’s not with OPs child.

I don’t think Op is over-reacting to say enough is enough. She and her child/children really are very unlikely to spend any time with overseas family during their lifetime anyway. The real issue here is that the DH is being made to choose between his Aus family and his wife and child - both now and in the future. If he choses OP/DC it may/will be a thorn in their marriage permanently.

Option b. Seems a shame to go all that way and not enjoy the holiday. Probably better for your husband too.

If DH is open to spending the rest of the trip with you and little one then go for option B. If he would be wanting to spend time with family post wedding day and expect you guys to tag along, absolutely option C!!! I have a terrible (non existent) relationship with my toxic in laws and my husband isn’t always understanding or accepting of this so if I had been in your shoes I’d have gone home where I’m comfortable and know I couldn’t be tricked/forced into spending time with them!

You have more choices than that:

1. Contact the Allocated Babysitter and take control. Play it by ear. On the day: Prepare a Baby bag with foods suitable for baby, diapers etc.+ Bottles of milk ( baby wont get harmed from occaisional formulae.) Do all the things you planned to do at the wedding . Ask the Alloocated Babysitter to accompany you as a ' assistant' take a stroller for baby to wedding ; but on sidelines. Tell SIL your plan to have an assistant with baby at wedding. On the day, play it by ear, so that you have someone, or a Taxi number ready to take you back to hotel if needed ( if it kicks off or baby gets tired)

B I think, it's a long way to go to not enjoy isn't it? Or C. But A is a no from me.

did OP come back?

@HomeWard93 are we blocked too?