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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to fly home with our DD?

816 replies

HomeWard93 · 02/03/2024 23:32

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

OP posts:
puzzledout · 03/03/2024 20:40

@BruFord perhaps why you've got a good relationship with polite teenagers? WTF has that got to do with anything?

You accept being treated like a mug, that's your issue!

losthj · 03/03/2024 20:42

I asked earlier but will say it again

When they traveled to UK

Did OP really see them for two hours only????

In which case there is a much bigger back story here.

And it's all weird.

We have come, we are here, we all come. Thank you.

She says no or yes.

As many others have said.

But all this blocking contact forever is just strange.

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 20:44

losthj · 03/03/2024 20:42

I asked earlier but will say it again

When they traveled to UK

Did OP really see them for two hours only????

In which case there is a much bigger back story here.

And it's all weird.

We have come, we are here, we all come. Thank you.

She says no or yes.

As many others have said.

But all this blocking contact forever is just strange.

OP hasn't been back to answer, so we dont know,

BruFord · 03/03/2024 20:45

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 20:40

@BruFord perhaps why you've got a good relationship with polite teenagers? WTF has that got to do with anything?

You accept being treated like a mug, that's your issue!

@puzzledout The fact that you’re comfortable calling a complete stranger a mug explains why you don’t get it.

Twilight7777 · 03/03/2024 20:46

The fact your DH says ‘you’ve been blindsided’ suggests he knew prior to your trip, in which case you have a DH problem more than a in law problem.

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 20:50

@BruFord the fact that you're prepared to be walked all over, to appease your DH, means you don't get it?

You accept you're not number one to him, nor are your DC, so you say that you're happy to just be walked all over to make him happy, even when you admit his sister was wrong!

Again you're a mug!

My DH would not stand by his sister if she was wrong, that's the way he is. He would have mine and our DCs back.

losthj · 03/03/2024 20:53

@puzzledout I know. And my DH would, and has done the same.

But I don't carry on like OP and block contact forever over a disagreement.

To be honest in our farming rural family she would be told to shush and we would be there and it would be forgotten.

I would cut contact for serious things like sexual abuse, physical abuse, harm.

Not for poor choices by brides who I have very little contact with and who lives at the other side of the world.

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 20:55

losthj · 03/03/2024 20:53

@puzzledout I know. And my DH would, and has done the same.

But I don't carry on like OP and block contact forever over a disagreement.

To be honest in our farming rural family she would be told to shush and we would be there and it would be forgotten.

I would cut contact for serious things like sexual abuse, physical abuse, harm.

Not for poor choices by brides who I have very little contact with and who lives at the other side of the world.

Well we've all got different t boundaries and not all of us accept sush from rural farming communities as acceptable!

Thank god!

BruFord · 03/03/2024 20:57

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 20:50

@BruFord the fact that you're prepared to be walked all over, to appease your DH, means you don't get it?

You accept you're not number one to him, nor are your DC, so you say that you're happy to just be walked all over to make him happy, even when you admit his sister was wrong!

Again you're a mug!

My DH would not stand by his sister if she was wrong, that's the way he is. He would have mine and our DCs back.

@puzzledout Don’t you realize that you’re personally insulting me by calling me a mug?

losthj · 03/03/2024 20:58

@puzzledout interesting.

So to break it down on what you know.

You would only see people who travelled from the other side of the world for two hours.

Then travel there and have a disagreement about baby. And cut them out of your life forever. And do same to your children?

What happened to a good old family argument.

Telling sister in law she's ridiculous and we all come or don't.

I just don't get it.

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 21:00

losthj · 03/03/2024 20:58

@puzzledout interesting.

So to break it down on what you know.

You would only see people who travelled from the other side of the world for two hours.

Then travel there and have a disagreement about baby. And cut them out of your life forever. And do same to your children?

What happened to a good old family argument.

Telling sister in law she's ridiculous and we all come or don't.

I just don't get it.

SIL said prior to leaving the UK, it wasn't sn option, did you miss that bit?

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 21:00

@BruFord 🤷‍♀️

Voone · 03/03/2024 21:00

losthj · 03/03/2024 20:53

@puzzledout I know. And my DH would, and has done the same.

But I don't carry on like OP and block contact forever over a disagreement.

To be honest in our farming rural family she would be told to shush and we would be there and it would be forgotten.

I would cut contact for serious things like sexual abuse, physical abuse, harm.

Not for poor choices by brides who I have very little contact with and who lives at the other side of the world.

The OP hasn't blocked contact forever over a disagreement.
She's threatened to alright, but this only happened yesterday. Things get said in anger that people don't mean. There is always an opportunity for the other people to try to make amends.

She's over in Australia now for the next 2 weeks, with the baby, so the in-laws have plenty of time to reflect and to try to make amends so that they see the baby and so that the trip doesn't end on on very sour note.

RampantIvy · 03/03/2024 21:00

Twilight7777 · 03/03/2024 20:46

The fact your DH says ‘you’ve been blindsided’ suggests he knew prior to your trip, in which case you have a DH problem more than a in law problem.

There is nothing in the OP's posts that suggest that he he knew prior to the trip. I don't think she has DH problem.

BruFord · 03/03/2024 21:01

losthj · 03/03/2024 20:58

@puzzledout interesting.

So to break it down on what you know.

You would only see people who travelled from the other side of the world for two hours.

Then travel there and have a disagreement about baby. And cut them out of your life forever. And do same to your children?

What happened to a good old family argument.

Telling sister in law she's ridiculous and we all come or don't.

I just don't get it.

Common sense at last, @losthj

Or are you just a “mug” like me?! 😂

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 21:01

@losthj sorry OP said prior to leaving the UK

losthj · 03/03/2024 21:03

@puzzledout I know she did. So she continues with her plan and they attend as a family or don't.

But all this we have blocked you forever nonsense I just don't get it

And yes things can be said in anger but she's an adult. So just no I'm sorry that doesn't work for you. Would you like us three to attend or not? No ok that's lovely, we shall enjoy our holiday

Voone · 03/03/2024 21:03

losthj · 03/03/2024 20:58

@puzzledout interesting.

So to break it down on what you know.

You would only see people who travelled from the other side of the world for two hours.

Then travel there and have a disagreement about baby. And cut them out of your life forever. And do same to your children?

What happened to a good old family argument.

Telling sister in law she's ridiculous and we all come or don't.

I just don't get it.

Saying "we all come or don't" isn't necessarily going to fix it either.

There's another wedding thread at the moment where the OP said similar and the husband is going anyway and bringing the youngest child and the OP wants to divorce him over it so........🙉

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 21:05

losthj · 03/03/2024 21:03

@puzzledout I know she did. So she continues with her plan and they attend as a family or don't.

But all this we have blocked you forever nonsense I just don't get it

And yes things can be said in anger but she's an adult. So just no I'm sorry that doesn't work for you. Would you like us three to attend or not? No ok that's lovely, we shall enjoy our holiday

But this was said before they travelled across the world to attend the wedding, that they thought they were all going to attend!

losthj · 03/03/2024 21:06

@Voone that's fine. That's that OP decision and that's over one step child being excluded.

But DH here can easily stand by op and say all of us or none of us without the dram of I've blocked them forever and told DH to tell them that. One thing him missing a wedding, another him never sharing his daughter with them again, likely by video call anyway

puzzledout · 03/03/2024 21:07

losthj · 03/03/2024 21:06

@Voone that's fine. That's that OP decision and that's over one step child being excluded.

But DH here can easily stand by op and say all of us or none of us without the dram of I've blocked them forever and told DH to tell them that. One thing him missing a wedding, another him never sharing his daughter with them again, likely by video call anyway

But maybe as the SIL is wrong it should be her building the bridges.....

losthj · 03/03/2024 21:07

@puzzledout just like they did for two hours contact.

Just take the bloody baby and watch sil throw them out infront of everyone. It won't happen.

losthj · 03/03/2024 21:08

@puzzledout and I agree with that. Sil absolutely should. But OP needs to calm down with her reactions. Saying we are not coming is fine, this forever nonsense is bizarre

Dymaxion · 03/03/2024 21:08

I doubt DH's family will care about being blocked, its not as though they are that bothered about spending time with their grandchild/niece, given they have barred them from the wedding.

Voone · 03/03/2024 21:08

losthj · 03/03/2024 21:06

@Voone that's fine. That's that OP decision and that's over one step child being excluded.

But DH here can easily stand by op and say all of us or none of us without the dram of I've blocked them forever and told DH to tell them that. One thing him missing a wedding, another him never sharing his daughter with them again, likely by video call anyway

Ok but he didn't did he? so what's the point in saying he could easily stand by her and say all of us or none of us when he has already passed on the message that the OP doesn't want anything to do with them?

Why do people keep giving advice telling people how it should be handled when the situation has already happened?

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