To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

Clearly it is not an ideal solution - I do not think anyone is
suggesting that it is - , so all the OP has to do is politely decline
it. End of.

But it's not End of, is it.

Actions have consequenses, future relations have been compromised and this family have shot themselves in the foot.

Future holdiday times of the son are hardly going to involve the option of his wife and kids going to Australia.
If they vist the UK, she is hardly going to want them to stay at her home.

Why are people so short sighted, be kind and civil if you want a future with your grandchildren, it's not rocket is it, this man has his own family now who he should put first with the help and blessing of his family.

Some mothers and sisters are rediculous, op tried, they did not, they set her up to fail, I wouldn't place my trust in them again.

Exactly! For various reason I couldn't breastfeed for long, but I totally understand that breastfed babies don't just switch to a bottle because a narcissistic SIL says they should!

The amount of doormats in this thread telling you not to stand up for yourself is disappointing. They're exactly the reason arseholes like your SIL behave like they do, because they've met enough spineless cowards who won't answer back to them.

If the baby hadn't been invited originally, presumably she and OP would have stayed at home while DH attended. So SIL has wasted hundreds (possibly thousands, if you factor in accommodation, food, sightseeing etc) of pounds of their money. Of course OP is right to be furious and consider they've set the relationship on fire.

Refusing to let FIL see your daughter is maybe a bit extreme, but having nothing to do with him or SIL again yourself certainly isn't.

B!!!

If you read the OP then it does sound like there was drama.
After she said "you can fuck right off" she said that SIL is refusing to have the baby at the wedding, and that apparently she's unreasonable unless she goes along with what they've decided.

Which suggests that there was a whole conversation/argument about this after which led to her blocking them.

Do people think that the OP just said "you can fuck right off" and then took her phone out there and then and blocked them all and got the DH to pass on a message 😂

Why are you saying politely say she doesn't like the solution and move on? The OP has already reacted 😂

Another one going for the time machine option I see 😂

She has already told her to fuck right off, blocked them, and got her DH to pass on the message that they won't see her again.

So she can't politely decline can she?

@Voone Yep, it’s already a colossal mess and tbh, there’s probably no going back from it unless the OP is prepared to move on from it for her DH and DD’s sakes. Yes, her SIL is definitely in the wrong, but it’s possible to move on.

Let’s hope that she and her DH stay together. One of my friends is divorced from an Australian and it’s court-ordered that he can take their children to visit his family every two years. Nothing my friend can do about it.

@BruFord the SIL could apologise if she wants to?

She certainly could, but the OP can’t control other people’s behavior, she can only control her own.

So she can choose to say that she will allow her in-laws to see DD during her childhood, instead of preventing them seeing her for the next 18 years.

Tbh, doing this will probably damage her marriage as well.

@BruFord to be honest, me and DH have always had each others backs...

The only way it would have been bad for our relationship wound be if he agreed with his nasty sister.

But it wouldn't have happened, so it's a non issue.

@puzzledout I suppose I’m in the same boat, because behaving like the SIL and the OP’s reaction to it is so alien to me. DH’s family have done a couple of horrible things over the years so I don’t rely on them or fully trust them-but I don’t think it’s worth a family rift.

What the SIL has done is hugely selfish and thoughtless, but again, I don’t think it’s worth a rift. She’s an idiot, the OP can rise above it. 🤷

Why the fuck should OP rise above it?

Just why??

@BruFord you misunderstood my post, you think it will cause an issue in OPs marriage?

I'm saying it wouldn't cause an issue in mine, because my DH would yell his sister she's wrong and have my back.

For her DH’s and DD’s sake.
Or do you think that a family rift will be positive for her DH and DD?

I think that one of my BIL is an idiot. But I don’t prevent my family from seeing him.

@BruFord I think that her standing up against her vile SILis good for her entire family!

Are you such a push over, how does it make your life easier?

It's been a day or 2.
I would say the onus is on the in-laws to try to smooth this over.

People on here are trying to tell the OP she needs to smile sweetly and apologise and suck it up and apologise for being irrational and kill them with kindness and blah blah.

But it's the family who really need to be doing that, and if they're not prepared to do that now while the baby is right there in Australia then I think that says a hell of a lot about them and how they feel about the baby, they weren't even bothered if the baby went to Australia at all which is mind boggling to me seeing as they only seem to have met the baby once before at Christmas, I would have thought they would have been insisting the baby go over on the holiday because they'd be dying to see her again!

So if the family let the OP and the baby leave Australia without attempting to make up at all then that shows a lot about them I would say! Imagine your grandchild or niece being over in Australia for a couple of weeks and not even being able to suck it up to apologize and admit you were wrong (even when you were) and then letting them return back halfway across the world never knowing when you'd see the baby again!!

@puzzledout I don’t think that anyone would describe me as a pushover!

But I recognize that my DH’s family is important to him so I try to get on with them. Everyone has faults and this SIL sounds v. self-centered -but will it make her DH happy if they become estranged? I feel sorry for him stuck in the middle of this.

If the OP wants to cut ties, so be it. It’s just a sad situation for her DH and DD.

@BruFord luckily my DH realises I'm important to him, that our mutual children are important to him.

Above a nasty sister that even you admit (but you're not a pushover 🤔), is wrong.

You're a total mug if you act like that!

Hopefully your children don't follow suit....

But, but, but I must put my DH first and allow his family to be nasty to me and his child (ultimately homes well), because it make him "happy"?

I'd be asking why he allows them to treat him and his family with such contempt, and help free him from the FOG!!

@puzzledout We can agree to disagree. I’m amazed sometimes at how healthy my family relationships and friendships are, so different from what I grew up with on my Dad’s family.

The SIL caused the rift by going back on what was agreed and the rest going along with her if I interpreted it correctly by making it out that OP’s only choice is to urge her baby to take a bottle and stay with a stranger for SIL’s wedding.

Don’t know about OP’s DH but mine would have reacted much worse than OP if we spent thousands of dollars and traveled that far with a baby under the premise that they would be able to come only to be told that wasn’t the case. Heck, pretty sure he would be telling his sister we would not only be not going but he would expect some compensation. I doubt plane tickets to Australia were cheap. Thankfully, I have two decent SIL’s who wouldn’t have thought to do such a thing. DH’s sister wasn’t at our wedding because she and her husband couldn’t get the whole time off and we understood. DC1 wasn’t even six months when DH’s brother married his wife. It wasn’t a childfree wedding but I did leave him with DH to go on an excursion that didn’t allow small children and we did try a bit of formula and well.. DH and DC1 ended up wearing it. DC1 still does not drink cow’s milk.

@puzzledout

Unlike you, I don’t believe in personally insulting people. Which is perhaps why I have good relationships and polite teenagers with good boundaries!