To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

@pam290358 Call out the bad behavior, but don’t force her DD to have no contact with her GP’s, for example. Also don’t make it difficult for her DH to see them.

What if her SIL has children in the future? Will her DD not be allowed to see them? I barely knew my cousins growing up.

God you’ve made a massive deal of this, and been incredibly rude. His poor family. You could have just said ‘sorry I’m not comfortable leaving DD with someone I don’t know, so unless DD can come to the wedding, I won’t be attending. They might have just said it was fine. I’d be furious if I was your DH. And it does not take 4/5 days to get over Australia jet lag. You’re ruining your DD relationship with her own family, that is not your decision to make

OP said quite clearly that they saw the in laws at Christmas. So many people finding it difficult to understand why the OP is angry. How would you feel if you were gaslighted into the expense and faff of a journey to Australia with an 8 month old baby, only to find when you get there, that she still isn’t allowed to go to the wedding, and you’re told that some random you’ve never met is going to look after her on the day. I suspect they were quite happy for the OP to stay at home with the baby until they realised it was too short notice to find a replacement bridesmaid. No respect for the OP and certainly no respect for the child.

Option B, just on this occasion your SIL is BU, changing the goalposts when you got there.

However, your hatred and behaviour to your inlaws seems completely disproportionate.

Obviously they were upset to see their son / brother move to the opposite side of the world, and you being the reason means you are their target.

I'm not sure how you can't get on with them when they live so far away, and why could you not just make them feel welcome at Christmas ?

Sounds like your SIL was genuinely trying to build bridges with the bridesmaid thing - most people without kids really don't understand how you can't just leave a baby with someone..seems like SIL thought she'd done an amazing thing by arranging a babysitter for the day, as naive and unworkable that is.

Blocking them is childish and incredibly poor behaviour. Poor DH being put in that position.

I'd get over yourself if I was you and apologise to the inlaws, say unfortunately you still can't go to the wedding but be excited for it and let your inlaws have some rare time with your child.

yeah but your take completely misses the whole point of the OP 🙄
"Your take" covers up to the part where SIL said: Ok. Bring baby. If that had been the end of it obviously there wouldn't have been any need for drama.

The issue occurred when OP spent most of DHs annual leave, thousands of pounds, disrupted baby's routine all to upon arrival be told 'actually you can't bring baby.'

Why bother commenting if you're going to ignore what happened?

She already told them that in the beginning!

*SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome.*

I don’t understand how anyone can misinterpret someone saying they couldn’t feasibly leave their child who relied on them for food and that they didn’t feel comfortable doing so with please get someone I’ve never met to watch my baby.

SIL was told no!

SIL was explained to why not.

SIL decided she knew best!

SIL allowed a fucking long and expensive journey,

SIL has caused drama and bad feeling at her wedding.

SIL has got her comeuppance.

SIL will never get the opportunity to try that shit again.

Definitely option B.

Hopefully it is the jet lag that made the OP overreact to the situation. No, it’s not reasonable to expect the OP to go along with an unacceptable arrangement for an EBF baby, especially with a complete stranger, but also way over the top to swear, flounce and declare that the child will never have contact with that side of the family. Is she going to ban her DH from keeping his DD in touch with her GPs ?

I speak from experience, marrying a kiwi and having a MIL who love bombed all of her DILs at first ( 6 of them, 1 of the 4 brothers married 3 times !) and bad mouthed the others to them, without realising we were all in touch and compared notes. I had two tricky run ins with her on visits when the girls were babies and was personally low contact with her for 3 years but I didn’t stop my DDs from continuing a relationship with their GPs. We made many long haul trips there over the years, with some time spent with them ( though my DH suggested that we didn’t stay in the GPs house) and other time spent travelling around.

She mellowed over time and I was glad we were all in touch and that my DDs knew their cousins on that side of the world. I know several other UK based Aus/NZ - British families and we’ve talked about the particular dynamic of having half the family background so far away. It’s so much easier now with technology.

@HomeWard93

OP, is there a possibility of turning things around and finding a compromise, perhaps with your OH's help?

Can you say that you still want to be there as one of the bridesmaids (I assume that the bride has chosen more than one), but that the two of you will be bringing the baby? Your OH will look after her while you are doing bridesmaid duties.

If there is some kind of olive branch which can be offered, I would honestly offer it, if you can.

Don't let this lead to a long-term fracture within the family. I think that, if it does, it could make life very difficult for your OH and he might feel torn between you and his family.

Try to find a way of repairing this and taking part in the wedding as bridesmaid, with your husband and your baby girl both there on the day.

That family should have been honest with her from the start then about her child not being invited to the wedding.

if the bride didn’t want this hassle in her wedding week she should not have just sprung this on the OP once she got there. Thats totally manipulative if she then gets to play the oh but it’s my wedding week you just need to suck it up card

This one is really easy. Option B.

You should not have agreed to be bridesmaid to someone you don't even like, especially when you have an eight month old baby who is still BF. It was always going to be a difficult day, even if you could have taken her with you.

But why take such a long flight home and experience the jet lag all over again while managing DD all on your own, instead of just letting your DH go to the wedding without you, then enjoy the rest of the holiday as normal and have your DH with you to share the burden of the baby on the long flight home.

How about......

The SIL approaching OP and saying "I still want you to be my bridesmaid" sorry I ignored your very explicit wishes and chose a stranger to you to babysit your breastfed baby, could you reconsider and be my bridesmaid and I promise never to be such a nasty manipulative person to you again?

After all, I would suggest OP couldn't give a shit about being BM for her and she won't be there to answer any questions!

They'll just be a huge hole in the photos! Not that OP will have any of them or care!

SIL shouldn't have asked someone she Forest like, especially one that said she would only attend with her breastfed baby.

Rude?
It's not nearly as rude as tricking someone into going over to Australia and then telling them this is the person you're going to leave your baby with and basically deciding for them that they'll be getting a breast fed baby used to the bottle in the meantime.

That's next level 'rudeness'.

If I did that I would expect someone to take my head off, and I'd deserve it!

You'd be furious if you were her DH? Well you'd probably ruin your marriage then yourself because if I was put in the OPs position and was then 'rude' back and my DH was furious at me instead of seeing my side then I would think he was an absolute arsehole.

Well op, in time when you are older and maybe have gc of your own you will look back on this time and think what the hell was I doing spending time on my own in Australia whilst my husband pandered to his selfish sister (who has the lovely wedding photo's with no children in them).
SIL may be divorced by then going on her level of entitlement 😂and your PIL will probably be dead, this rediculous episode will appear even more obnoxious in retrospect. You both will have your separate families and may lose touch, it happens.

Being a grandparent is a blessing, you make the wife of your son as welcome as possible and treat them with respect and kindness if you wish to stay in your gc's life. To make an enemy of the mother is foolish, their son has a different life now in another country, this type of shit pulled will and has backfired on them, they are also unwilling to see that it is their fault.
Op has tried, most wives who know they are not liked would not have gone in the first place, what a toxic MIL and SIL combo this is.

It's madness that anyone would think you are in the wrong op, unfortunately you are now in another country without friends or support of your own so I don't know how you feel about travelling arround on the day of the wedding and maybe the rest of the holiday with your 8 month old or on your own, hopefully your h will step up, got a feeling though he's going to be manipulated by them further thoughh, he'll have to prove that he cares for them more than you, these narc idiots are always the same.

Never trust them again, they play dirty and I also think they don't like children, it all about ownership with them.

Stupid people, hope you don't regret marrying into those genes.

OP didn’t start this drama, SIL did. - but there is no drama! SIL thought she had worked out a solution - fine. OP does not like it - also fine (and entirely understandable).

So just politely say so and move on.

There is no need for the abusive language, no need for a family rift.

OP says she wouldn't attend the wedding without her breastfed DC

SIL ignored that

SIL didn't advise she'd arranged a random to babysit

SIL doesn't understand that breastfed baby needs to BF and not be dumped on random and let to deal with a day workout BF.

SIL is crazy

The plan that OP agreed to in the first place was her being bridesmaid and her daughter attending due to the circumstances. SIL wasn’t happy with that but said it was all right. SIL could have found someone else and accepted OP declining and her reasons instead of going back on what was agreed once OP arrived there so she could have her child-free wedding.

SIL thought she had worked out a solution - fine.

What solution? That a mother who's breastfeeding should leave her baby with someone else for an entire day? And that this person is someone she's never met or even heard of before? And she got OP to fly to the other side of the world on the promise that everything would be OK, without revealing any element of this 'solution' to her?

To paraphrase a great line, that's not a solution, it's an invitation to an ass-kicking.

Clearly it is not an ideal solution - I do not think anyone is suggesting that it is - , so all the OP has to do is politely decline it. End of.

There was no need to present this “solution” in the first place when OP told her she couldn’t and wasn’t comfortable physically leaving her baby and explaining why.

It's not just about a 'solution' @Mischance, it's about lying & treating the OP & her baby as things of no consequence. It's about SIL lying to get what she wants, basically doing a bait & switch, & causing a lot of grief to OP in the process, financially & emotionally. The ILs have history, too.

If OP had had enough at that point, who can blame her? In your book of ladies' etiquette I'm sure one should simply 'politely decline' (though IME that's seldom the end of anything, when dealing with such people). I confess I normally keep things quiet face to face, but the OP let rip & good for her.

The drama is that SiL used deception to get OP and her baby to fly half way around the world at significant expense.

How do you respond to relatives deliberately lying to you so you spend thousands and weeks of holiday allowance when you wouldn’t have if they’d been honest with you?

This AIBU isn’t about attending the wedding or not. It’s about OP coping with and responding to that betrayal.

"Politely decline" after travelling over 9,000 miles with your baby and then being told the arrangements have now changed and you can't in fact have your baby with you?? Therefore you can't in fact even be present at the wedding at all that you've flown that distance specifically to attend? Yeah, there'd be no "polite" left in me at that point I'm afraid.

It's clear that some posters haven't read and understood the OP's posts, and some posters have no idea what it is like to have an exclusively BF baby.