To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

I suspect that there are two sides to this story.

Op, you are right to be annoyed but you are not doing your case any favours by being a drama queen.

Bring the babysitter to the wedding venue. Have them hangout and push buggy around while your wedding thing, then leave early.

I am very much on the OP's side, but it isn't clear how involved the PIL were. OP may come back and clarify. There could be several reasons that the neighbour was at their house. They could also have been blindsided, steamrollered or lied to by SIL. We don't 100% know. To never let them see their GC again is a pretty tough call especially for the DH (and maybe the GC when she is older).

Assuming the "neighbour" wants to do that

Assuming the OP wants to do that?

I wouldn't, because of the disgraceful behaviour by SIL.

My wedding wasn't childfree, but it meant that people with kids (my family members mostly) could leave sleeping babies there and mothers could go and breastfeed their babies.

yes that’s an inclusive approach
i like children & babies at weddings it’s a family thing after all

This! They could have listened to OP in the first instance instead of lying to placate her and then waiting for her to arrive in the country and going "yeah we lied, soz about that". OP is well within her rights to be FUMING. Fuck off is too polite, I'd argue.

She'll have only herself to blame if she is 🤷‍♀️

I'd skip the wedding if I were you, but stay in Australia and try to make the most of it.

Tbh I think only selfish people have childfree weddings in the first place, and the fact she effectively lied to you and blindsided you shows what her character is - selfish, self-absorbed, and sneaky. You have every right to not want her in your life.

It's unclear how involved your PIL were with SIL's plan, so I'm not sure cutting them off would be totally warranted. I'd give some allowance for amends to be made, especially for the sake of your marriage.

Beautifully summarised @BusyMummy001. I agree with you.

I also agree 100% with @BusyMummy001

@BusyMummy001 👏 👏

My Dad’s side of the family is full of drama and rifts. People not speaking for years, holding onto their anger, etc. I’ve concluded that it’s just not worth it and as an adult, I’ve reached out to my cousins to get to know them better, because as children we couldn’t establish relationships when our parents were on such bad terms. We only had one big family Christmas when I was growing up and I’ve never forgotten it, it was the best one ever.

Please don’t be one of those parents, OP. It just creates sadness and your DH/DD will miss out on so much.

What about the SIL not being one of those people?

I think it's clear that SIL doesn't "get" it, but there's no need to make a scene. A simple response that I'm afraid that will not be happening, as previously stated either she comes or neither of us come, is fine. I wouldn't fly home, that would be a complete waste of money and be even more disruptive to baby trying to work out what time of day it is. You're there now, after a 24 hour flight which I can imagine may have been quite stressful with a little one. Just roll with it and have a nice holiday and some sunshine!

Especially since you’re just the babysitter. Doesn’t qualify you as an expert on breast feeding.

Has the SIL said that she refuses to see the OP and her daughter ever? Not that I can see. There is no doubt SIL messed up, but OP is the one causing the long term damage.

Yes. It’s usually the person wronged that is told to act with dignity, not make a drama out of things, and be a bigger person when they have done nothing wrong other than react.

OP didn’t start this drama, SIL did. SIL is an adult and this was discussed before they flew half way around the world to attend her wedding. SIL wasn’t keen on OP bringing her DC to the wedding in the first place. Instead of saying, I understand and choosing someone else, she chose to change things once OP arrived and very likely expected OP to just go with it for her wedding and was told frankly, and rightly so, no. I’d give OP a pass on her wording since they had only been there a day or so, likely jet lagged and tired after a very long flight.

@daisybrown37 no she hasn't, she's just totally ignored the op, been disrespectful, entitled and coercive.

She's been met with a fuck off out of our lives!

You reap what you sow and she's well and truly got her comeuppance!

@Rosscameasdoody absolutely, I've never breastfed but I've babysat does not make you an expert!

I think you've made it harder for yourself OP and harder for your DH.

Option B. DH attending but you and DD doing something else would have been more than enough.......... and then enjoying the holiday but steering clear of the inlaws. You would have held the higher ground, and it would have highlighted their unreasonableness.

But declaring they would never see you or DD again until she's old enough etc... is very hard on your DH, who will have to put up with all the flack and gossip at the wedding and also given that they all live on the other side of the world and haven't seen him since before 2019.

Living on different continents, you're never going to be forced into a real relationship with them. It would be easy enough to avoid them without making a formal declaration about it.

I think your SIL was very unreasonable, and the babysitting thing was underhand and you were right to refuse... but it is possible that they just were not thinking about how young your baby is. It was high-handed but possibly more thoughtless than setting out to deliberately offend you.

Given that the OP is not responsible for the original unpleasantness - apparently PIL don’t like her because their son moved to the UK to be with her - and there are clearly ongoing issues between them, of which I suspect this is just the latest episode, what do you suggest she do ? Just put up with shitty behaviour to keep the peace ?

If you read the OP, there’s already long term damage - she ‘stole’ their little boy !!

I think this is sensible. Of course your SIL has been very unreasonable but you have gone for the nuclear option. Why have you told your MIL and FIL that they will have no contact with the baby? It's not really their decision and you have contributed to making the run up to their daughter's wedding very stressful, (of course your SIL is also responsible). If you don't want the neighbour to take your baby for a walk while you are in the ceremony I would opt for just your husband attending and you find something else to do on the day. You aren't going to see your husband's family frequently in any case so I would consider his feelings if he's close to his parents.

If someone tricked me into taking an 8mo on a 24 hour flight then tried to back me into a corner to leave said 8mo with a stranger I would go nuclear. Any mother that wouldn't isn't protecting her child. You don't fuck with someone's baby. Blood doesn't give you that right. They should be grovelling.