To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

The 'moral' of the story is, as ever, that women are to blame for bloody everything.

The PP's uncle is, I'm sorry to say, a completely weak specimen. He is just as much to blame for this situation as his wife, as he could have turned to her and asked who in the hell she thought she was, or told her forcefully that she wasn't in a position to dictate to him who he could and could not see. He chose not to do this. Had I behaved this way with my DH he'd have told me where to go and what to do with myself when I got there, and he'd be quite right. Whatever the schism in this family may have been, Uncle Innocent actively participated in it and made a choice to perpetuate it. It was just as much his fault.

It's pretty sickening that our misogynistic culture instantly leaps to let the man completely off the hook and attach every bit of blame to the nearest female. It's the same old story when any man detaches himself from his family of origin - sometimes for no other reason than bone laziness and being a terrible correspondent - his wife is to blame. Were in-laws to look truly and honestly at their own dynamic with the man they raised, it might cause them to examine their own behaviour and its effect on their relationships. And we can't be having that.

Said mo rational parent ever.......

A village is not a random stranger..

It's a stranger not a neighbour.....

She tried that initially before she spent a fuck load of money and effort going 12000 miles!

Option b. Sounds best

I think nice weddings are those where babies are invited, and some special nursery workers are also hired to look after babies when they are sleeping in their carrycots or prams.

Do B and please let your husband spend time with his family!

Stay and enjoy your holiday.

@Kjones27

Many people do have family abroad.

I'm definitely not in the minority to do long travels. Most people with family abroad do long travels every couple of months, to see them.

Yes many not most. Just because a lot of people do long journeys to see family doesn't mean globally most people do, because percentage wise it's a lot less.

I could also list several people we know who do travel abroad frequently and many many more who do not, but that's got nothing to do with the majority of the World's population who don't

Are all your family in the UK?

Not sure what this has to do with the thread, but yes mosty. OH's siblings and mother all live within a 20 mile radius. We have had family who lived abroad but most of them now live in the UK except my nephew who lives in Australia, and, before you ask, there are (benign) reasons why we haven't flown out to see him in recent years.

All of which doesn't change my mind that you were wrong to say:

Jesus it's not that hard to fly to Australia.

Especially as OP has a baby

I would stay and not go to the wedding. Reach out to any mnetters if there are any close by, meet for a coffee and make a new friend or 2 😀

Try and enjoy the holiday and think of it as a fuck you to your SIL

then you can look back and think at least you made the best of a bad situation - sorry she did this to you, I take it she doesn’t have her own children!

Yes, stay and do nice things.

And make sure your DH really has your wholehearted blessing to enjoy the wedding and his family during the trip.

Think this ignores the key issue.

OP travelled half way around the world with an 8mo baby because she had, effectively been pressured into being bridesmaid and reassured her 8mo would be with her. They lied to get her to do something she would not have done, to spend money they would not have spent, to put an 8mo baby (and their fellow passengers) through a 24hour journey when she would have stayed home and DH would have attended (probably for a slightly shorter time).

She is utterly within her rights to go ballistic and to cut the entire family out for the remainder of the visit (go with option B, OP. You’ll have wasted all that money and your DH’s holiday allowance otherwise). OP can see how she feels about accepting a waved olive branch once the dust has settled… sometime before baby is 18. And only if she gets an apology. Feel badly for DH being stuck in the middle, but hope he is as hopping mad at his family too.

I think that it shows complete ignorance on her part to be honest. A lot of people without kids or even with kids who haven’t done breast feeding genuinely don’t know that you can’t always ‘just give a bottle’ and don’t understand about supply , pumping etc. doesn’t mean it’s intentional.

i think I wouldn’t go to the wedding but I wouldn’t have blocked them all. People who haven’t been through it don’t understand. I honestly would have laughed and said ‘my child has to feed from my boob every 2-3 hours so it’s that’s not going to work. Thanks for the offer.’

then left it at that. I think your contempt for the family is there and possibly feeding in to how you interpret situations and act? If DH wants a relationship with them I wouldn’t be cutting people off unless they were actively abusive to myself or my child.

stay and enjoy the rest of the time!

I too feel very sorry for the husband. OP you will regret your dramatic words and actions one day. All over a few hours at a wedding. Life is too short.

Apologise to your husband and the in-laws (even if you feel the latter don't deserve it) if you want to save your marriage. If I was your poor husband I would lose respect for you. Maybe not right away, but in time, as the dust settles. You cannot dictate that his family can't see your daughter, no matter how much you might want to.

What dreadful advice.....

No wonder so many women get walked all over!

How about SIL apologise first?

OP's DH is upset with the way they have been treated too.

I think not allowing GP's to see GC is too drastic, but I suspect OP is so (understandably) angry that once she calms down she may rethink this. Also it's not clear from her posts that they were involved in the SIL's decision to deceive the OP.

The grandchild they wanted OP to leave in the UK and only said could come once OP said she wouldn't without her? Then found the nearest stranger to foist her on? It happened at a dinner at PIL house with said neighbours in attendance. Why else were they invited by PIL if not in on it?

Haven't RTFT so I don't know if anyone else has asked this: is the OP still supposed to be a bridesmaid? Will SIL be one BM short?

Agree.

I’d be pretty annoyed and would have asked SIL why she said I could bring DC and then ask neighbour when this was discussed and watch both explain things and see where the chips fall.

I don’t know anyone who would be completely comfortable watching a stranger’s baby without the parents aware of such an offer or consenting. I would not be happy if I were the neighbour.

It's her own bloody fault if she is

What a mess, OP. I agree that you’ve been poorly treated but I don’t think that you’re helping the situation by blocking everyone and saying that they’re not going to see your DD again. Your DH and your DD are the ones who’ll ultimately suffer from this family rift.

Personally, I’d advise you to be the bigger person and unblock them. You don’t need to attend the wedding, but you should allow your PIL to see their granddaughter for the rest of the visit. You don’t have to pretend that nothing’s happened, but show them that you can move past it (I.e. that you’re the better person).

You have been fairly ridiculous with your posting though. Talking about flying with babies and breastfeeding transitions with such confidence when you have done neither!

And she could have said it again once there, instead of swearing and more or less blocking her dd from dh family.
Totally OTT!

@Sconenjam why does she need to say no more than once? She explained why, and nothing had changed! So telling them to fuck off might make them accept it?

You were blind-sided and SIL hasn't a clue.

Of course you should not leave your baby with a babysitter if you do not feel comfortable, and of course you should not change your baby's feeding method or routine to suit a wedding.

BUT

Telling someone to fuck off, a SIL, is really OTT and out of order, if that is what you actually said.

Considering flying home is OTT and cutting off your nose to spite your face.

As is deciding you won't enjoy the rest of the trip.

And this is altogether OTT : neither I or my DD (until she is old enough to make the decision herself) will see them or have anything to do with them again.

Be calm but direct about your needs and your baby's needs, and say that under the circumstances it looks as if being a bridesmaid is off. But then leave that behind. Wish them a happy wedding, be polite for the rest of the visit.

SIL was dishonest, but many many people leave baby's with a sitter or at a creche organised by the bride and groom, or in hotel rooms attached to a wedding with a baby monitor or listening service. So not that outlandish that they thought it might be a possibility. But she should not have assumed.

Likewise a parent stays to care for a baby while the blood-relative goes to the wedding if it is a child free wedding - also no big deal. That's what's happening now.

It wasn't good by the SIL but don't make a drama into a lifelong crisis.

And for heavens sake enjoy the rest of the trip!

It wasn't good by the SIL but don't make a drama into a lifelong crisis.

Perfectly put, @TempleOfBloom . Handle the situation with dignity and be the bigger person. Ultimately, you’ll be teaching your DD how to handle difficult situations.