To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

@AskingForAFriend12
And based on this thread I can very well see exactly why she "tolerates" but doesn't like her SIL! Awful behaviour on SIL's part.

Hopefully OP will reconsider contact with their GD once she’s calmed down. But if they are as unpleasant as OP says, this would absolutely be the last straw for me. While still in England she told them she wasn’t going to the wedding if it was child free. They lied so that she made a long, exhausting and expensive journey. Now she’s in Australia the wedding is still child free, and she’s still not going. It’s the same type of controlling behaviour we see on MN threads time after time, and the OP is always told not to have any of it. Why is this OP any different ?

Would be interesting to hear the other side of this story. I have an Australian friend getting married in the next few days, might text him and ask if this is his fiancée’s family!

I very rarely see an OP on here that shocks me, but this one did. I would go with option B too.

Actually quite a few people are condoning their behaviour by saying it’s not a big deal and OP should just suck it up for the sake of her DH. One poster even suggested that at 8 months her DD isn’t ’stuck to her’ and nobody forced her to breastfeed !!

@RandomForest just think its better to try and make best of it thats all

One poster even suggested that at 8 months her DD isn’t ’stuck to her’ and nobody forced her to breastfeed !!

😳 fucking batshit.

It's bad behaviour by the SIL, but it's not really bad. She maybe thought that she was helping by suggesting a good babysitter.

The clash between you here is you are obviously thinking about your daughter 24/7, whereas your sister is thinking about her wedding, a huge event, that will only happen once for her.

If i was you i would have simply talked it out with the SIL.

Blocking her AND the grandparents is immature and dramatic. And it is extremely nasty for you to do that to her on the week of her wedding. I wouldnt do that to anyone.

It makes it look like you want to ruin her wedding and that you want all the drama to be about you on her wedding week.

Your actions were nasty. As this has now caused huge family fallout on the week of her wedding.

Why block the parents in law. What did they do?

You keep saying the pil and sil are nasty , but you don't sound like the easiest person yourself. I have to say.

I would never have done what you did to someone just before their wedding.

Why didn't you just make a polite excuse, say dd is ill. Why be so nasty. And why block the grandparwnt what did they do

She’s just dragged her toddler to the other side of the world under false pretences when she was totally happy to not go. What a waste of time and money, not to mention the utter disrespect her DHs family have shown them.

I’d be totally pissed too!

This.

option B
the pil and sil do treat you appallingly. Such mean spiritedness. Babies & children should be at weddings, they are family too and it’s meant to be inclusive
Look,if you’re not a parent and there are children/babies at wedding it’s not your problem. In that case you safe,socialise and get on
Parent at wedding you look after them,of they’re grisly or need feed etc you quietly deal with it.
I think child free weddings are an abomination, a trend that seems to have embedded itself for some folk planning the perfect day and getting lost in the IG and SM of it all. Weddings are supposed to be joyous and about love and family. Well families include children and babies, they too should be present and accommodated.
Friend planned her wedding were kids food table got served first had an ice cream station and kids had gift bag to keep them distracted. It was really lovely to go a wedding as a family unit. Bride isn’t a parent btw, just very considerate

I would never have done what you did to someone just before their wedding.

And would you have done what SIL did to OP, to one of your wedding guests, just before your wedding? I.e. let them fly half way across the world on the understanding they can bring their breastfed baby to the wedding, and then tell them once they arrive the baby is uninvited and present random stranger to hand your baby over to?

Thought not.

OP's response is extreme because the way she's been treated here is extreme.

This all over. Totally reasonable to say you can’t go to wedding and leave DD but to say you won’t let DD see her grandparents because their daughter has been a bridezilla and you don’t get on is (on the face of it) unbelievably unreasonable

But it's not all about her and her toddler.

There are other people's feelings involved. There are people getting married. There are other family relationships going on. Op seems to think the whole wedding is about her. The way she reacted is nasty on the week of a wedding.

I agree with this, or maybe just staying for the ceremony. I also agree with @catscalledbeanz. There are much less aggressive ways to deal with this and still get your point across.

OP Out of interest what led to you originally disliking your in-laws so much?

I'm not sure what the fuss over kids at weddings is. I hired a babysitter to watch the kids at my wedding. They were out and about during the day as part of the day and with the babysitter in the room next to the reception, when it was time for them to wind down. Worked well.

This happened to me. Only my DC was 6 weeks old and it was a European destination. When we arrived I was told ‘everyone else’ was leaving their children ( much older) with the sitters in the resort. Because ‘it would be so much more fun for everyone’

I just smiled sweetly and said ‘I’m not doing that’. Took DC to the reception in a carry cot, fed and walked as need be and then left earlyish with DH.

DH’s reaction to his mum who arranged it was disbelief and ‘That’s ridiculous’. He then told them they should be grateful we’d even come with a 6 week year old (and a 2 year old) and that was the end of it.

No falling out, no drama and we all just moved on.

No she doesn't, she'd have stayed at home if she'd known what the SIL was planning.

The SIL did this to herself, stop blaming the OP for not being gracious in the face of really disrespectful behaviour.

I absolutely agree with this!
The OP is way way over the top which is why I'm interested to know the back story that has made her react so badly.

I genuinely wouldn't care If that happened to me.

It's not the worst thing in the world is it.

Lots of weddings don't want babies or toddlers at the wedding.

In this instance I would presume that maybe there had been a misunderstanding between me and sil, that she meant "the baby can come to oz" where I thought she meant "the baby can come to the wedding".

I'd be irritated, but I think I would just say to sil , I misunderstood. I won't be leaving mybaby as she is breastfed. My husband can go alone.

I might be annoyed but I think I would express my annoyance AFTER the wedding, not right before it.

I wouldn't cause a huge family fallout right before a wedding. That is nasty . She will only get married once.

Now sil will remember a huge family fallout at her wedding. Would you want that at your wedding.

You don't do it to someone just before their wedding. It's really nasty timing.

You haven't done yourself any favours by blocking and telling them they can't see DD. You have lost the moral high ground op. Absolutely agree don't go but do so calmly and don't be the centre of the drama. If sil and pils go off on one they're only embarrassing themselves.

@Kjones27
I don't think this was a misunderstanding at all though was it, from how OP describes it. It was deliberate. And just because you wouldn't care if it happened to you doesn't mean it's not a thoroughly shit thing to do to someone. Lots of people on this thread would feel the same as OP, me included.

I agree with this. There's no need to fly off the handle. Just say you won't be coming to the wedding unless the kid comes too. If kid not allowed, you don't go. Leave it at that. I feel for your DH stuck in the middle.

*No she doesn't, she'd have stayed at home if she'd known what the SIL was planning.

The SIL did this to herself, stop blaming the OP for not being gracious in the face of really disrespectful behaviour.*

@FOJN
Exactly!! Cannot believe these replies tbh. OP could have happily stayed home with her baby if SIL hadn't led her up the garden path.