To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

I'm pretty sure I'd have sworn too, in the moment, with it sprung on me like that. Most people would still have been jet lagged at that point, having had a, what, 24 hour trip with a baby - a newborn would have been easier than an 8 month old for that purpose as it'd probably sleep most of the time - and then to find out the whole trip had been under false pretenses, plus the absolute cheekiest fait accompli of "here is your babysitter", would have been infuriating. I'd probably have said a few things about never seeing the buggers again, to DH later on if not immediately to the family. I'd absolutely have wanted to go straight home. But after cooling down a bit I'd probably start thinking about what is fair and practicable.

I wouldn't attend the wedding myself - that ship has not only sailed but sunk. It was a dirty trick, no question, and they do not deserve to get away with it. However, that doesn't necessarily mean that having said neither you nor DD will ever see them again means you never will or never should, given they're DH's family and he does love them with all their faults. So it'd be Option B and ongoing discussions with DH about how to play it in the future.

OK, post's too long again, but I have to add, it depends greatly on the nature of the child whether leaving him/her with a babysitter at 8 months would work out. Some are quite happy with someone they know as long as the meals are regular, others go through a parents-only clingy phase. My own 4 DC, 4 x DN and 3 x DGC have all been different in that respect. Also weddings differ greatly with what is required of a bridesmaid, depending on how formal they are etc. Some you can't just dip in and out of. Any bets on what the SIL's would have been like?

I agree with this. There's no need to fly off the handle. Just say you won't be coming to the wedding unless the kid comes too. If kid not allowed, you don't go. Leave it at that. I feel for your DH stuck in the middle.

Except OP DID say this initially before she left the UK, and was then lied to?? Only realising she'd been lied to when she got off the plane with her baby. She owes no one any pleasantries, it's disgraceful.

I think the op was wrong.

People often have to travel far to go to weddings. Many people who are invited to weddings go through inconveniences to go to the wedding

: travel cost, hotel cost, childcare cost.

There are always costs, time inconveniences.

If you go to a wedding, you know there are going to be inconveniences.

I would NEVER cause a huge argument , cause a huge family fallout right before someone's wedding. That is just being nasty.

And now the pics are going to be saying to op "you ruined sils wedding" etc.

Op causing an argument now is going to make it ten times worse for everyone. There is a time and place.

My best friend recently went to Australia for her brothers wedding. She was annoyed about a lot if things to do with the wedding:

The time it took to get there. Some of the things about the wedding also annoyed her.

She never mentioned any of her annoyances to anyone. She just complained about them to me , her friend, when dhe got home.

Why would you right before a wedding, cause a huge fallout. Its stupid. And cold.

To the rest of the saddos trying to pick at OP... just what would someone have to do to you before you said enough? The OP and her DH have gone to the other side of the world.

But, @LiveLaughCryalot, what have the PILs done to OP to deserve to be. blocked from seeing their grandchild ever again? On her own account this is solely down to SIL.

@HomeWard93 I too would go for Option B. Stay and enjoy the rest of your holiday if it were me. You can find something nice to do while your OH is at the wedding and then at least enjoy your holiday with him, the rest of the time

I don't blame you at all, for being so angry about being lied to, and swearing at your SIL, as your immediate reaction, is understandable, since you were blindsided and presumably very tired and stressed, after a 20 hour journey to get there, and she lied to you to get you to Australia.

But I have said YABU for 2 reasons:

The first is in answer to your question AIBU to want to go home? Yes you are. You have travelled a long way and travelling home alone would be a nightmare with an 8 Month old. Plus, your poor husband, who is guiltless in all this, from what you have said, will then have his entire holiday ruined as well.

The second reason is that you have blocked the PIL and the SIL, which considering they live so far away, really is very OTT and told them they won't get to see their Granddaughter until basically she is grown up - even more OTT.

It's a horrible situation you have found yourself in, and I really do sympathise, but for your husband's sake and that of your child, if I were you, I'd be the bigger person, I'd unblock the PIL and the SIL, apologise to your SIL for swearing at her, but explain you were blindsided, very stressed after the long travel and state calmly that you cannot leave your 8 month old with a neighbour she doesn't know, for the day and don't budge on that, of course. If you don't want to see any of them again, that's absolutely fine, don't blame you at all, but please don't use your child as a weapon against them all. She is also your husband's child and should be able to see your PIL's with your DH only

I'd go with B, too, as long as you're not staying with his family because that will be miserable.

I don't blame you at all for feeling tricked into coming. They told you 1 thing to get you on the expensive flights, and take the time off from your jobs/life in the UK to do it, then pulled the rug out from under you when you got there. Not on, and 100% not acceptable.

Your husband shouldn't go either, imo, unless they apologise sincerely, admit they messed up royally, and rescind their stupidity and say you and the baby are welcome. Fools if they don't.

SIL and PIL are blocked and DH has passed on that neither I or my DD (until she is old enough to make the decision herself) will see them or have anything to do with them again.

You SIL has behaved appallingly but this is an extreme overreaction.

You do realise that when you separate that her father will have access. Your PILs and SIL will then have a much access to your DD as you will no longer have control.

Would some people on here block their sil and pils and tell the pils they won't see their grandchild again, after an argument over a wedding?

Wow. People are cold.

The poor pils didn't even do anything. Op has just lumped them in with SIL, in her hatred

Not being saddos picking at the OP @Zyq we have an opinion just like you, and mine is that she’s behaved in a very selfish nasty manner, I feel sorry for her DH in all this, his family must be so upset.
It could all have been handled so differently by taking a grown up attitude. Swearing like that at the bride … absolutely disgusting, in my opinion.

I complitely understand OP why you exploded like this. Their expectations are our of order.
Obviously it would have been more strategic if you could have handled in without getting this angry but one cant always do that. Hopefully they will see that they were wrong to arranged this.

Option b
but it is fierce to ban a GP from seeing baby on this basis
You all calmly discuss this and don’t ban the GP seeing the baby,that is too draconian. You’ve been treated badly and misled but as adults need to find a compromise regards contact/visits. This doesn’t warrant no contact

I don't know. Op is just constantly talking about how awful her sil and pils are.

She just reminds me of my uncles wife. My uncles wife constantly talked about how awful my grandparents (her pils) were.

She ended up stopping my uncle from seeing his own parents.

My granny was a genuinely lovely woman. My aunt was not. She was a horrible woman, who tried to split up relationships between people. She was extreme in every reaction and stopped my uncle from seeing his own parents.

Op sounds like exactly this type of woman to me.

Jealous of her partner having anything to do with his family. She will cut her partner and her child off from his parents. I've seen it before

It was a shitty thing of you SIL to do.
No doubt about that.

But your OTT reaction has escalated matters to a point thry never needed to get too.

A simple, I can't leave a breastfeeding child with someone else all day would have been a much more measured response.

I wonder if what she really meant, is that the babysitter would sit in a hotel room at the venue with your baby and you could go up and see/fed her as often as you want, allowing you to both see your child and enjoy the day.

A much better static would have been to play along, not cause drama, and either introduce the baby to the wedding st some stage with " she just couldn't settle with a stranger" or excuse yourself once the official part of the day was over.

Blocking the PIL in slao immature and has no actual standing. DD is your husband's child too do you can't prevent that.

Your DH is stick between Bridezilla smd Mumzilla with neither appearing to be able to negotiate or compromise. You are also putting him I'm a position where he has to chose you or his family which isn't very fair either. They may be selfish and batshit crazy but they are his family.

This nag be the point of no return and have a serious impact in your marraige. I would try talking yo your DH snd see if you can both find some sort of compromise.

Im already the bitch who took their “boy” away (me and DH met when I was travelling over here, he got a job in the UK and then we got married) and I do feel bad as DH loves his family and he sees so little of them (before the Xmas trip he hadn’t seen them since our wedding pre Covid). I don’t really care what they think but I do feel bad leaving DH to deal with this when he’s meant to be spending quality family time.

Could have been interesting to be a fly on the wall during discussions about where you were going to live after you got together. How much say did DH have in practice?

I've been irritated by things at weddings and I've still never said anything.

As the wedding is not about me. I'm a guest. Op sounds way over the top.

I agree.

Would be interesting to hear the other side of the story.

Hopefully DH will put his foot down and insist he can take dd to visit his family.
You dd is also his child, OP. He gets a say too !

I think the decision you have made of option B and the action of your DH which is supportive is the best of what are in a way all bad options.

Option B is the one and I'd be angry too, but don't go over the top. Cutting them all off forever is an overreaction. Tell them you can't make it the wedding as you are not prepared to leave your child and thats that. No need to lose your mind.

This exactly.

OP, it doesn't have to become a big deal (although obviously you trekked to the other side of the world for this nonsense - so it kind of is). The ILs are obviously fairly off their rockers, and people like that don't ever see reason. You doing a flounce off back to the UK would just confirm to them that you are the thoroughly awkward and unpleasant DIL they always knew you were.
Disengagement and grey-rock moving on, are the only sensible strategies for preserving YOUR sense of peace.
CLEARLY you are not going to leave your child with a complete Random for the day, and while I'm sure she's lovely, and I'm sure DD would be just fine, that's beside the point. And the fact that the ILs can't see that is solely a "them" problem, and not a "you" problem.

Go and do something else with your DD the day of the wedding, and then enjoy the rest of your holiday. It's not your DHs fault that he comes from a family of bonkers knobheads.

An 8 month old is not going to suffer from jet lag. And if that was a concern, how would flying home not cause even more problems. There is a distinct lack of information here. So far we've been told these awful people, 3 of them, flew all the way from Australia at Christmas, and the OP only had 'to put up with them' for 2 hours on Christmas day - after flying half way around the world. Seems rather sad for them.

The SIL has been kind enough to invite the OP to be a bridesmaid, which is a very generous thing to do. She tried to arrange a babysitter, presumably did this to be nice too. All OP has to do is feed the baby, bring the child minder to the church to mind the baby outside. And bring the minder to the event in case she is needing to feed the 8 month old toddler during the event. The child is not a baby, it's already on solids. How many times could the child need breast feeding in a day at this age? At 8 months old is a mother needed to be with her baby 24 hours a day? Especially for a one day event of significant importance in a country far away.

I think the OP telling the SIL to 'fuck off' speaks volumes. Hard to see how one can be so negative about people who she never really has to see at all after this. And how awful to tell grandparents they will never see their grand child ever.

The other thing is

A mother is constantly thinking about her child. The child is the most important thing to her.

Other people are not constantly thinking about your child. To them , your child is way down the list of things they are thinking about. You have to understand that your sil is thinking about a million other things, before she is thinking about you and your toddler.

People don't really understand that level of feeling, until they have a baby of their own.

I remember my female collegue saying to me how she used to find most children irritating. She said:

"Before I had kids, I used to tell my friends not to bring their children to lunches with me, as I thought their children were so annoying. Now I have my own children, my children are the most important things in my life. I think of them before anything else"

She thought other people's children were irritating, but when she had her own, she thought they were the most precious things.

You see that everywhere. Sadly no one else is thinking of your child as much as you are.

Option B - mainly because it’s the best for your DH, who is blameless in this and who you’ve said misses his family. If you fly home early with DD, you’re depriving him of time with his DD and time together there, and you’ll probably be doing what your PILs and SIL want (to be rid of you).

Don’t go to the wedding but do stay and spend time with your DH and support him.

Yeah telling SIL to fuck off was bad.

Poor sil. It honestly sounds like op is a not jealous of sil getting attention at her wedding

*is a bit jealous

If op ruined my wedding I'd find it very hard to forgive her. And if she blocked my parents too, I'd be raging.

You don't ruin someone's wedding