To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

I also think you were very rude to them and that cutting contact is an overreaction. They are on the other side of the world - it is not as if they will be popping in every day, so cutting contact is not necessary in order to spend minimal time with them. I cannot believe you actually said this ..*I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”. What can you have been thinking of? How embarrassing for your OH

It is unfortunate that SIL did not fully discuss her neighbour plan with you and make sure you were happy with it. She was absolutely wrong not to do this. She obviously felt she had found a solution. It is fine for you not to agree to that solution, but not to be rude.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill and feel very sorry for your poor OH caught in the middle of this situation. He wants to spend some pleasant time with his family, whom he seldom sees, and you are scuppering that for your own reasons. Why not cut him a bit of slack? You have arrived with all your guns primed and ready to fire. Nothing they do will be right in your eyes. I think you have burned your bridges now and confirmed yourself as someone they wish had not been brought into the family.

You are a grown adult - could you not have just curbed your antagonism for a short while so that your OH could have some pleasant time with his family?

You need to think hard about this. Your DD is not aware of all this now as she is too small, but one day she will be learning from you how NOT to deal with those you find hard to get on with. And she will be learning appalling bad manners.

My ILs were seriously weird, and my FIL was politically just to the right of Atilla the Hun and a very controlling man, but I was never ever rude to him. I took a deep breath and switched on good manners on the few and far occasions when we had to be together.

I really think that your response has been fundamentally wrong here, and you need to start thinking of how you can make things as smooth as possible for the sake of your OH.

B

None of this is the point. OP made it clear from the start she didn’t want to leave DD, so was told she could take her to the wedding. They waited until OP had made the journey and expected her to hand over her child to a complete stranger, so that SiL can have the child free wedding she wants. It sounds to me as though SiL was going to have her way no matter what, and the family are supporting her in that, at the expense of OP and their GD. And if a neighbour is babysitting DD how is OP going to ‘nip out’ to feed her if she’s actually part of the wedding ?

So sorry you’ve been treated like this OP, it’s appalling of your SIL to do this. I’m sure that this won’t happen but if your DH is Australian and decides to stay there, you won’t be able to bring your babies back to the uk without his consent. I’m sure it’s just the wedding he’s there for but for any future visits please be aware of this.

@Mischance I agree with every word of your post.

All you needed to do was say that you weren’t happy to leave dd and wouldn’t be able to attend if she wasn’t with you.

Of course she did.

Thanks, I've just spent 20 odd hours on a plane with and 8 month old thinking I was coming to a wedding, yeah, no probs I'll just nip back home as it looks like I'm uninvited.

Don't worry, I'm not important.
Anything else you want me to suck up.

When I first read this post, I thought the OP was right and the IL’s were out of order but the OP’s OTT response of blocking, swearing and denying her dd a relationship with DH family has made me think otherwise.

Could it be that OP is a bit of a narc who enjoys drama at other people’s expense ?

If people take an instant dislike to someone, it’s usually for a good reason.

A simple “sorry I can’t go to the wedding without my dd” is all that was required. Followed by option B.

Only if the mother chooses to breastfeed until age 1. Many people wean or reduce breastfeeding at about 6 months. I did. And of course there is no law that says you have to breastfeed at all unless you want to!

Milk, whether formula or breast milk, should be a baby's main source of nutrition at 8 months. Since this baby is breastfed, then OP is their main source of nutrition.
Yes obviously some people reduce breastfeeding, but OP hasn't, and she can't do that in the next week.

They waited until OP had made the journey and expected her to hand over her child to a complete stranger, so that SiL can have the child free wedding she wants. It sounds to me as though SiL was going to have her way no matter what, and the family are supporting her in that, at the expense of OP and their GD.

I agree with this.

I'm absolutely amazed that people would leave their baby with someone they don't know, half way across the world - breast or bottle fed! And to think the OP is the bad guy for not wanting to and being mad that she was expected to after being openly lied to!

Would you honestly leave your baby with a complete stranger to you and them? Especially a breastfed baby, would you force a bottle for someone who has absolutely no respect for you at all, because that's what the in laws have shown! I wouldn't trust a word that they say after that performance.

SIL and PIL are blocked and DH has passed on that neither I or my DD (until she is old enough to make the decision herself) will see them or have anything to do with them again.

Woah! YANBU to turn down the babysitter and skip the wedding but this is a huge overreaction and unfair on your DH and DD, and flouncing home to the UK with DD would be as well. They probably thought you'd appreciate them having arranged a local babysitter - guessing SIL doesn't have kids and doesn't understand how you feel about leaving DD with a stranger. She probably thought she was being helpful.

Move on, be gracious, and try to enjoy this no doubt expensive visit to a sunny country to visit people you don't see very often. They're not just DH's family, they're DD's as well.

Absolutely!

Yes because any mother of an 8 month old would want to fly for 24 hours to find out she's been lied to, expected to leave her baby with a complete stranger for the wedding day when expecting to take them to the wedding and therefore feed as and when required as per their own family arrangements.

Why should the OP be expected to do so in the interests of 'peace'? Her in laws didn't consider her, or her babies feelings in the interest of 'peace'. OP and her family have gone to a great deal of effort for SIL - why haven't they considered what they are asking?

Option B and I get that you are upset.

But you do sound like a drama queen. Stopping them to see their grandchild over this is childish and in your OP you ask to not be given advice to LTB. Why? He hasn't done anything.

Just bow out of the wedding and chill!

Jesus I'd be a "drama queen" too if I'd been misled about the set up and then flown half way across the world with my baby to be told either leave your baby with this complete stranger or you're not coming to the wedding. Fuck me if there's ever a situation that calls for drama it's that!! OP has been treated appallingly here.

They've treated you appallingly. I'm not sure going straight to telling SIL to fuck off was a good move, though. It would have been better just to get up and walk away at that point.

Also, weaponising your baby like that is an extreme reaction, even in the circumstances. She's your DH's baby too, doesn't he get a say on whether his family ever get to see her?

You are right to be angry.
I would stay and you haven’t caused this situation - you have been misled. You have already said that you won’t go to the wedding without your daughter. It’s their loss.
Make the most of your time there and don’t try to travel back alone.

The SIL has arranged for a complete stranger to look after the OP’s child and you’re worried about manners……?
OP has every right to be as rude as she likes and to suggest she shouldn’t is ridiculous. Heaven forbid OP for having a perfectly valid reaction to appalling treatment by your SIL. Who I assume doesn’t have children.
OP has been completely manipulated and good for her for calling that out.

You'd leave your 8 month old with a total stranger who has been forced upon you? Really?
Mine are all approaching 40 and I wouldn't have done that all those years ago.

What does she gain by kicking such a fuss? She is not going to the wedding , they can't make her.

Why does she need to behave in the same manner? Then she is no better.

A simple “sorry I can’t go to the wedding without my dd” is all that was required.

She did say that to begin with and was then lied to and now apparently she's the bad guy for reacting strongly when that lie was revealed.

The SIL is the one who needs to profusely apologise.

Yep!! Utterly bonkers to think OP is unreasonable here.

Basically SiL lied to OP to get her over there. If OP is part of the wedding it would be difficult to find a substitute at such short notice, so she resorted to being underhand to get what she wanted. I think OP’s reaction is understandable - it cost a lot of money and was a long and tiring journey to make with a baby, so to find out the wedding is still child free and you’re expected to express milk, wean your child onto a bottle and then leave her with a complete stranger for the day is a bit of a shock, to say the least !!

I think the nuclear option to block and never speak to them again, and keep DD away from them is a bit of a knee jerk reaction - depending on the back story. It could be the straw that broke the camels’ back, so to speak. But I do think SiL’s actions speak to the OP’s description of how unpleasant they are.

Hopefully OP will calm down and allow her DD a relationship with her in-laws - as pp’s have said, they’re in Australia, so contact will be limited anyway. She’s not insisting her DH block them, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to cut her own contact and not engage with the batshittery any longer - again, they’re on the other side of the world so not hard to do, and life’s too short to spend it trying to please people who are determined not to like you.

What about saying that they will not see her daughter until she is old enough to decide she wants to see them?

Swearing when shocked - understandable.

Not attending the wedding - fine

Not wanting to see them again - slight dramatic but her choice.

To not let her husband spend time with his family and his child for years - overreaction. Her husband should get a say as well.

I agree with all of this, except "I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill".

I think the SIL's behaviour has been pretty bad. It's more like she's taken a Scottish mountain and made it into Mount Everest.

Well....she doesn't care about the wedding, she just tolerates her SIL.

Nobody is condoning their behavior, but I just wouldn't so much drama. I would enjoy the holidays!