To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

Don’t fight with Family in love and don’t go home. Keep the relationship respectful as this will eventually will impact your relationship with your husband. They live at the other end of the world anyway.

Don’t go to the wedding. Thanks SiL for the invitation and say I am unable to go as I don’t want to leave my baby with a stranger and she is being breastfed. Tell her, I hope you have a fabulous wedding. Don’t put on a tantrum returning home early.

Enjoy your holidays in Australia.

Ahh @Willmafrockfit I see now you're comparing your bottle fed 7 month old to a breast fed 8 month old.

You know nothing about the differences, which makes your posts totally irrelevant

And just because your standards are to leave your baby with a stranger to attend a funeral, I presume for a much shorter time than a wedding, that's your choice and one a lot of mothers and certainly breastfeeding mothers would not choose.

Different mothers have different boundaries, some much more careful than others.

indeed @puzzledout
but i still feel the op overeacted and needs to eat humble pie
they meant well in their suggestion. and i cant understand all this horror about a stranger

Your in laws clearly do not respect boundaries. You explained why you couldn't leave your baby in the original conversation and then SIL lied to you to get you to travel halfway round the world with an 8 month old.

I don't think fuck off is an over reaction. They think they can manipulate you into doing something you have already clearly stated you are not comfortable with and think nothing of handing a baby off to someone who is a stranger to you. No respect for boundaries or safeguarding, I wouldn't want to normalise that kind of behaviour for a child either.

Ignore the people who think it's your job not to upset someone who has no problem with upsetting you. It always seems to be a woman's job to keep the peace, not cause a scene and comply for everyone else's comfort and convenience. Fuck that.

This upset would not be happening during your SIL's wedding week if she was not such a manipulative liar.

And why does your husband think it's "YOU" that has been blind sided. Why isn't he bothered about the proposal to leave his child with a stranger?

I wouldn't swear at them.

how was her time off wasted?
surely it is still a holiday abroad, not a weekend!

b. Given the backstory I’m surprised you went in the first place. Surely you only went on the grounds that ifs a holiday that you could all enjoy? That’s still broadly true.

You’re not at all unreasonable to be upset. But SIL might just be clueless about babies/a bit of an idiot rather than genuinely malicious. A good friend of mine tells the story against herself of how she bitched like hell about another friend with a 6 week old baby who “wouldn’t make the effort” to come to her hen weekend. The day she found herself in the same position, she realised how impossible a position she’d put her own friend in and felt very bad about it. I wonder if, from SIL’s point of view, she’s sorted a problem - she doesn’t want kids at the wedding and she’s found a babysitter. Problem sorted! What she hasn’t realised is that no matter how nice the neighbour, no mother will want to leave their small child with a stranger and that breastfeeding is an intensely physical process for both mother and child which means that it’s not as easy as that.

You were absolutely right to say “no way” and to stick to it. But there’s no point causing bad blood for the sake of it - then you look like the unreasonable one. “Can’t leave DD”, “I’m sure the neighbour is lovely, but it’s not fair on either DD or on her as DD simply might not settle and might be distressed all day”, “I’ll be a leaky mess”, “DD won’t take a bottle”, “I have no pumping equipment”. All of these are reasonable, factual statements. Or it’s fine to say “I don’t want to leave her and I’m not prepared to do so”. But the “fuck off” and the blocking and the “never speaking to you again” just makes you look like the problem. Your stance isn’t unreasonable at all; don’t let your approach cloud that.

And with all that - option B. Flying home looks like a flounce. Just say you’re not going to the wedding and crack on with the holiday you had planned.

Another silly comment t

Cmon SIL, you're wrong .... accept it!

I agree.

The baby is 8 months old, so isn’t stuck to her all the time.

There is an option d which is ‘OP nips out a couple of times to feed baby’.

I learnt on mumsnet that babies should never be left with anyone else. It didn’t occur to me not to. I imagine the neighbour is a nice person and competent/ has experience of babies.

I wouldn’t have sworn at them either and wouldn’t have blocked them. But I’d be thinking how do you keep a long distance familial relationship goimg in clearly trying circumstances without gett Too involved. But I’m not an over dramatic loon.

I'd love it if you just ignored what they said and just took the baby anyway

Not the only one clueless about babies judging by people like @Willmafrockfit!

@puzzledout
oh here we go

You sound as if you’ve totally overreacted OP, I feel sorry for your DH who must have been looking forward to seeing his family and spending time with them. To swear at them, block them, and say your DD will never see them again is so overeactive, I think you sound awful. The whole drama could have been avoided if you’d calmly said the arrangement didn’t suit but was there a compromise instead of going in all guns blazing. You’ve cast a shadow over what should have been a very happy day. I would take a long hard look at yourself instead of blaming everyone else.

Hell no. B

Nah I'm with OP on this one. She flew out there on the understanding her baby was allowed at the wedding, and the goal posts have been unfairly changed after she's arrived. I'd be fuming too and I wouldn't be attending, like shite would I be forced into leaving my baby with a stranger at the last minute.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday just you and your baby, OP

But the fact is, she is breastfeeding and is the main source of nutrition for DD until she decides to wean her, not SiL.

Are you ok?

I obviously wouldn’t be going to the wedding. I wouldn’t give my breastfed baby a bottle or leave her with a stranger. But I do think you’ve lost the moral high ground with the way you’ve behaved. Swearing, blocking people etc , and it does sound as though you haven’t been particularly warm towards them up to this point.

All you needed to do was say that you weren’t happy to leave dd and wouldn’t be able to attend if she wasn’t with you.

This.

Id stay but not go to the wedding

This!!

Can’t help feeling if a woman was posting that her dh had done something similar…there’d be different responses.

Option B and your ILs are arseholes.