Mother in law dining manners

[Blondeandbeautifullol]

This may sound unreasonable so I'd love feedback to see if others think we're crazy...
I can't stand the smell of ketchup, barbecue sauce and particularly brown sauce. I never have. Greasy spoons and fry ups make me physically wretch. I'm not anti them, just avoid them. It's the smell.

My Mother in law has taken in the last 2 years to adding either HP sauce or barbecue sauce to every meal she has. Except now it's not just a side condiments - it drowns her dinner.

We cook a roast or Christmas Dinner and it's drowned in sauce. We cook a roast and it's drowned in sauce. We go to restaurants and she brings her sauce. The smell has put me off my food and I can't eat my meal.

I hid the sauce- she brought her own. She offends posh restaurants by drowning their food - Italian, Indian etc in sauce.

I said the smell is off putting. My husband told her it's rude. She got angry and said "well I like it".

Anyway, it's Mother's Day approaching. I invited my Mother out for dinner. However, we haven't invited Mother in Law because of her dining habits. I just find the smell so offensive and also it is rude in my opinion to chefs, to have their food covered in sauce. Do you agree? AIBU?

@BetterCare she's never had covid, I'm thinking early dementia? Or just belligerence (!)

BTW I think you’re wholly reasonable not to want to go out for a particularly nice restaurant meal with her when it’s a treat for you. I would try to go out with her only if it’s eg for her birthday and she really wanted to. And it’s also a great plan to do a “tea and cakes” meal with her - fingers crossed that stays safely uncovered!

This amount of sauce does sound a bit extreme; likewise taking it to restaurants. That's embarrassing. I wouldn't go out with someone who embarrassed me; a friend of mine was rude to a waiter at another friend's birthday dinner and I have never invited her to anything since. Also it's a complete waste of money as she clearly doesn't enjoy it.

The afternoon tea idea is perfect, but this extreme covering in sauce could be worth investigating with her doctor maybe.

@Marblessolveeverything No, you sound neurotypical and are criticising me of my choice! I don't think the 48% who agree with me are all neurodiverse either. I don't think it's a neurodiverse issue here tbh, just a coincidence. By "shaming and controlling another adults choice is not an acceptable behaviour" (and my choice is to dislike a smell or the way they eat) obviously shows how you judge neurodiverse people and feel anyone not as open and accepting as you is "shaming and controlling" needs therapy.The irony 🤣. I love the PC crowd (can't you tell!)

@Blondeandbeautifullol I am criticising your treatment of a woman who you have drip fed has issues.

I am from a family where there are significant ND throughout so I assure you I am not PC I am just an individual giving you their opinion.

@Marblessolveeverything I'd hardly call having an aversion to the smell of brown sauce on everything shaming and controlling! However, I'm glad I opened this thread. 1)I'd not considered the dementia thing 2) Yes, diabetes is a concern (her sister has it) 3)I'm not crazy! Many other people agree it's smelly and would be upset cooking or paying for an expensive meal to see it swimming in brown sauce. However, it's the smell that offends me most - it honestly makes me wretch when there's half a large bottle of it in front of me so you can't see the food underneath. Even my husband finds the smell mixed with a roast chicken and thyme off putting. I wish I was a perfect as you to actually label someone controlling and shaming (whilst shaming me in the process) but there have been some really important points raised here by others I would not have thought of. I think my husband needs to talk with his siblings about what might be going on here.

Your comments about “vitriol” and “the PC crowd” tell me all I need to know.

Those saying it doesn't stink, it does. I drowned my food in HP as a kid, didn't have a problem with it, but did find cafes difficult.

Now, I've developed a complete aversion to the smell - I've the keenest sense of smell and my youngest drowns her food in HP etc, my problem with the smell is so bad I can't be in the same room.

Not my fault. And no idea why I've developed such a problem. I can't have it myself except if I'm having a bacon butty and even then I can't have much.

It's embarrassing but it's very real. It's made me retch. I step out of the room, the kids know I'm weird about eating noises already, so it's nothing new.

It is possible to overcome not being able to cope with particular smells. I would say if you’re leaving the room because of the smell of food then it might be something you want to think about addressing.

Take her out for a cream tea instead

What struck me in your OP was that fact that overtime she has increased the amount she is doing this.

When I look back on my Mum and Dad there were some very subtle symptoms and behaviors years before they were diagnosed.

This
I'd probably internally think WTF if saw her drowning every dish in sauce, but it's her dinner and nothing to do with me.
She's entitled to enjoy her food the way she likes, not how others think she should eat.
She's not harming anyone. If it seriously offends your nostrils that much , sit at the other end of the table, or put a peg on your hooter.

I wouldn't like this at all.
I certainly wouldn't be taking her to any restaurants and I'd be relucatnt to share a meal with her at home too.
At the volume the OP is indicating, I would find the smell of the sauces off-putting and I would not enjoy my meal.

Totally understand why you wouldn't want MIL with you at a posh restaurant - just embarrassing. If there were no option but to have her along, then I'd go somewhere where sauce is normal, like a burger place (or somewhere where it's impossible, like a sushi bar - but I'd still be worried she'd have ketchup on the sushi).

Aww OP, you gave all the arseholes a chance to be arseholes 😀i feel all fuzzy inside. I knew as soon as I read your OP they would pounce.
I wouldn't bother cooking her any lamb or anything decent tbh. Just give her beans on toast or chicken nuggets. It all tastes the same with HP on anyway.
I would hate it if I went somewhere nice and someone I was with doused their food in ketchup or HP. Its never happened though cos its odd behaviour isn't it? It must be a mumsnet thing though as so many posters have been very defensive.
Don't invite her out with you and your mum. For one, she isnt very nice to you anyway so why give her a chance to ruin it? Either DH can take her out or one of her other kids. Hope you and your mum have a lovely meal together.

I'd save the finer resturant dinner for another time, and include both mothers for a MD tea.

I have sympathy. I can't understand why people think these sauces are odorless. I can certainly smell them. They don't bother me though maybe I've not had fellow diners douse food in the stuff. In my case it's the smell of cold tea which makes me absolutely want to retch. My mother, a keen gardener, took to storing a bowl of cold tea leave and leftover tea as garden tonic thing under the kitchen bench. After a few near vomiting episodes putting things in the cupboard, I asked her to stop. Being a reasonable person she did. The idea that your mother in law travels with the stuff is rather disturbing. Life's too short for this. I wouldn't eat with her again and she certainly wouldn't be stinking out my Christmas dinner ever again and certainly not your mother's day lunch. She's not your mother.

Sorry - just to confirm what you've said here, your MIL has Munchausen's? Is that what you really mean, or do you mean health anxiety/hypochondria?

I find that a large chunk of posters on MN have a weirdly proprietary view of what other people enjoy eating. Especially when it comes to sauces or condiments.

I don’t enjoy dry food. Whatever meal I eat will typically have a sauce, gravy or condiment of some kind. If I’m in a fine dining establishment then I’ll pick an item that comes with a sauce - although it will undoubtedly be called a jus, so that makes it alright 😂 If I’m in a greasy spoon and having a fry-up then I’d want either ketchup or brown sauce.

To me, it’s both a texture and a taste thing. I enjoy the flavour of the food and sauce together. And I enjoy the texture more too.

Dishes that are already saucy such as lasagne, curry etc don’t require any additional sauce (for me).

I don’t ever add salt to a meal without tasting it first (in fact I almost never add salt to my dinner, only occasionally on chips!) It’s just I like a side helping of sauce with any dry meal which might be anything from sour cream to ketchup or gravy, or a specialty sauce.

Once upon a time I knew a (very posh) woman who carried a bottle of vinegar around in her handbag. She couldn’t enjoy a plate of food without a liberal sprinkling of vinegar -even on curries. Honestly the most unusual thing I’ve ever seen, but it never, ever crossed my mind to think she was being rude or to sneer at her. I found it genuinely hilarious as it was so unusual and we used to laugh about it when she whipped her bottle out.

It’s not “rude” to add condiments to the food to please your palate FFS.

I couldn’t give a shit how they’re “supposed” to be eaten. If I enjoy the taste more by adding sauce or condiments what’s wrong with that?! Am I only allowed to eat food the way that other people say it should taste?? Daft talk.

Im neurodivergent too - in OP’s shoes I would either explain I struggle with the smell so deliberately arrange the seating so I’m well away from her plate, or just pick a different type of venue as a PP suggested, like afternoon tea.

If you really can’t bear the smell OP, then you can’t 🤷‍♀️ That’s fine, but to think your preferences are more important than hers is a tad entitled. You can’t police other people’s plates. Imagine if you were told you had to change the way you enjoyed eating your dinner - you’d be understandably quite miffed!

You haven’t said what you do if the next table in the restaurant order something with heavy tomato sauce, or a BBQ sauce - how do you cope with that smell then?? It’s not just your MIL that adds these condiments….

Only being allowed to put sauces on certain types of food or else be considered rude is one of these confusing social rules that I’ll never, ever understand. It makes no sense at all. We all have different palates so why would we all like the same tastes/textures?! If that was the case we’d all be ordering the same dishes, cooked in exactly the same way - which obviously isn’t the case. Theres nothing wrong with choosing to customise your plate of food so that it gives you the greatest pleasure.

Hope you figure out a solution OP that keeps everyone happy.

Taking your own condiments to a restaurant is a bit much in my opinion. I think using them at home or taking them to another family house is fine though. I don’t feel they have particularly smells, especially when there is other food on the table.

I’m not ND but I do have sensory issues. Those two things don’t always go together. Some people are bothered by strong smells or loud noises etc. It’s like misophonia for smell.

Also, as someone who lives a fairly scent free life because of allergies I think a lot of people become nose blind. I’m always amazed when I walk past someone absolutely stinking of fabric softener and I wonder how they can stand it. They obviously just can’t smell it like I can because they’re so used to it. It’s one of the reasons I really don’t like airbnbs - big hotel chains tend to use unscented detergents whereas small bnbs/airbnbs etc often stink of fabric softener, washing powder etc.

Anyway, take her out for tea. Stop inviting her for dinner. Monitor for other signs of possible dementia.

I do find it a little bit difficult to believe that your MIL has access to HP and barbecue sauce at every restaurant you go to.

Does she have a stash?

Your MIL is very rude for covering everything she eats in HP. I’d find it really embarrassing- not only the disrespect to whoever has cooked the food but the fact that she lacks the palate of an adult and douses her food in sauce like a 5 year old with free access to ketchup

That's fairly arrogant and narcissistic of the chefs though.
Fair enough I'd understand if they were upset if loads of people are drowning their food in ketchup or brown sauce but the occasional person? They should get over it, it's not a reflection on their food, it's because some people are specific and fussy.

Why not book an afternoon tea for both mums, surely she wouldn't drown scones and mini cakes in BBQ sauce. Seems a shame to leave her out if that is the only issue.