Mother in law dining manners

[Blondeandbeautifullol]

This may sound unreasonable so I'd love feedback to see if others think we're crazy...
I can't stand the smell of ketchup, barbecue sauce and particularly brown sauce. I never have. Greasy spoons and fry ups make me physically wretch. I'm not anti them, just avoid them. It's the smell.

My Mother in law has taken in the last 2 years to adding either HP sauce or barbecue sauce to every meal she has. Except now it's not just a side condiments - it drowns her dinner.

We cook a roast or Christmas Dinner and it's drowned in sauce. We cook a roast and it's drowned in sauce. We go to restaurants and she brings her sauce. The smell has put me off my food and I can't eat my meal.

I hid the sauce- she brought her own. She offends posh restaurants by drowning their food - Italian, Indian etc in sauce.

I said the smell is off putting. My husband told her it's rude. She got angry and said "well I like it".

Anyway, it's Mother's Day approaching. I invited my Mother out for dinner. However, we haven't invited Mother in Law because of her dining habits. I just find the smell so offensive and also it is rude in my opinion to chefs, to have their food covered in sauce. Do you agree? AIBU?

Interesting - I was taught it’s bad manners for serving staff or chefs to judge how paying customers eat their food! I can’t imagine paying hundreds of pounds for a meal and then worry about the highly strung emotions of the person who cooked it😂.

I remember a waiter in a posh restaurant in Paris getting snooty with my uncle for asking for his steak well done. My uncle put him in his place very quickly and explained to me that if you are paying you never accept anything you don’t want and never apologise for your personal preferences. It is a life lesson - we all apologise too much and worry about what people think. To be honest who cares what the chef thinks - they get paid to cook food. What does it matter if someone prefers it with salt or ketchup or pepper? They still get paid and the customer is always right. Why should my uncle have eaten a medium steak just to keep some snooty waiter happy????

and ‘high end’ doesn’t mean they can treat customers like crap! I think the chefs in your family could use a manners refresh.

I was going to say the same as @TraitorsGate it could be a hangover from Covid. Also, It is worth doing a little investigation because recent research has shown that a loss of sense of taste and/or smell can indicate Dementia, which can show up years before some of the more common symptoms.

I know from my parents, both with Dementia, both of these senses, declined.

I am with you on your personal experience this would make me heave. So I empathise with you.

However, as other people have suggested this may be a symptom of something medical and perhaps your husband may need to dig a little deeper to make sure something more serious is not going on.

Very true!

Also, hilarious all the people who seem to think it's totally fine to bring your own HP sauce or ketchup to a fine dining restaurant! It would be extremely odd at even an ordinary Indian restaurant where every dish already has its own sauce and balanced mix of spices.

But there's very few posters agreeing with OP.

Are you just trotting this point out because you've seen it used so often on MN?

For what it's worth I'm on the same side of the AIBU as you, but I guess you'll argue the toss with me anyway.

Going against the grain here... but if I cooked a meal for someone, and they put so much sauce on top of the food that you couldn't actually see the food anymore (hp, mayo, tomato, barbecue) it would put me off eating with them.. perhaps I would feel I was unreasonable for that feeling, but nonetheless I would feel that way.

Is it really covering all the food? Like the way you'd put gravy on a meal? As opposed to a sort of zig zag drizzle? As that does seem really excessive, and if I'd cooked for someone, yes - sorry - it would put me off cooking for them again. They won't be able to even taste what I've put effort into, so for me it would make the whole affair feel pointless, and I'd be a bit offended. A drizzle(even a bit of a generous one) / dollop wouldn't bother me, but drowning the food would.. also yes, I probably sound super controlling, but a roast is meant to be covered in gravy not HP surely!?

My brain just really doesn't like the thought! And I have no issues with the smell of those sauces either!

Sorry Op, you come across as bossy and dictatorial, it really is none of your business how people eat their food.
To be fair you sound like hard work. I hope your husband does not go with you and takes his Mum out instead, if he chooses to go with you I would not think much of him as it is his Mothers day not yours.

I don’t think you’re a great friend if you’re policing someone else’s plate.

It’s a common autistic trait. In my experience it isn’t a dig at the chef - it’s a coping mechanism for people with food issues.

I think if OP stopped making this about her and tried to understand why her mother in law feels she has to do this they might both be happier. They might also not be compatible dining companions given they have conflicting food issues. That’s okay!

@Bellyblueboy thanks, you are right, and I sometimes fail to see the other side myself (I'm ND myself). A tricky one as I can be quite rigid in my own thoughts of how things 'should' be, and also was taught young to try food before seasoning - and I struggle in my own mind to see others not try food and season regardless.

I sometimes am aware of my behaviours being due to ND, and wouldn't have considered this particular behaviour on the other side possibly also being caused by ND, I'd have just found it 'wrong' and noted not to cook for them again (though I would still socialise and wouldn't comment).

This is a perspective I will consider if I do encounter it and try to battle the internal feelings of right/wrong I have myself!

Really surprised at people saying those condiments don’t smell - they smell very strongly to me.

@BetterCare the dementia thing is interesting. I will keep an eye on that. She has munchausen's disease anyway so I won't suggest it but the dementia thing - there might be something in that. Her mother had it too...

Is policing a synonym for noticing now?

No one is being unreasonable here - you and MIL are simply incompatible as dining companions. I'd suggest eating separately in future.

Mint sauce reeks 🤢 and it is so over bearing and strong. Worse than HP or ketchup

I had a friend who would drown her dinners in salad cream! I'm talking almost 1/4 of a bottle! I wasn't too bothered if I'd cooked her a simple, quick meal when she was visiting, but I was a tad pissed off when she did it to a roast dinner!

Mint sauce reeks 🤢 and it is so over bearing and strong

Or smells a little bit, depending on whether you lean to hyperbole or are a more rational person.

I am ND but I never considered this dislike a ND or sensory issue. I think even neurotypical people probably agree.

My BIL's family have mint sauce on almost everything. I discovered this when I hosted him and his daughter for Christmas Dinner (roast goose) and my sister asked if we had any mint sauce! The smell doesn't bother me, I was just rather chagrined that my lovingly cooked goose was going to be drowned in vinegar!

Interesting! Sometimes I don't know with me, or I question with me, what is rigid thinking due to ND and me feeling my way is the 'right way' and what is actually poor manners etc, which NT people could feel the exact same amount. My feelings on this could probably come under both. I have zero issues with the smell to me it's just simply wrong and 'rude' to fully cover something someone has made in HP etc.

But I hadn't considered that medical/ND reasons could be the cause of someone doing it and that's food for thought also. If I experienced it my mind would just find it wrong, would struggle with seeing it, and wouldn't want to cook for them again - perhaps less so now I'm considering there may be reasons for the behaviour

@Blondeandbeautifullol So you understand that your reaction is not typical.

Therefore you either accept you need to employ coping mechanisms or state clearly your needs. But shaming and controlling another adults choice is not an acceptable behaviour.

@Bellyblueboy very interesting also about potential autism. She has traits of autism, she's got muchausens disease and a FH of dementia. However, the autism thing I don't think is relevant here - she only started doing this in the last 2 years or so. It was ok a standard dollop of sauce before (I've known her 20 years). But I'm talking half a large bottle every meal. You really cannot see the food. The smell of brown sauce is so strong to me. My own mother even suggested the same to me when she was eating with us. The diabetes and dementia thing though are a red flag. However, due to her munchausens, I daren't mention it. But, this realisation hasn't changed me. I'm not paying 100 quid or so for a meal for her to ruin mine and hers with smelly sauce 😅, one of her other kids can for a change! We'll do tea and cake instead - I wonder if she'd put brown sauce on that...

My DH used to do this. When I saw what his parents cooked and how it was cooked I kind of understood. Everything was grey and tasteless. I told him that I didn’t put all that effort into making tasty healthy meals with fresh veggies, etc, to all taste the same. I requested that he just taste food without all of the sauce, and then increase it to three bites, etc. He now makes his own pesto (call me crazy, but…) and frequently makes Thai and Indian meals.

Her food habits sound very strange, especially since it has “escalated” more recently. I’d have thought it pretty unusual to completely cover everything in one of those sauces. That said, it’s so extreme that I wouldn’t think it was rudeness - I’d think it was a deep seated food issue of some sort. When I’m cooking for a guest I just want them to enjoy it so I’d probably cook something that would work with their massive ketchup habit and just let them get on with it. Basically I’d think “it’s not me, or my food - they do this to everything so it’s a “them” issue not a criticism of me or my food”.

It’s particularly extreme to do it when eating out somewhere nice, by bringing your own bottle of sauce. Again, it points to a personal compulsion. If it was my four year old I’d say to them they were being rude, I’d encourage them to try other things. But with an adult - I wouldn’t do it myself and I would disapprove - but it’s their loss. Doesn’t reflect on me.

And the way you react to the smell. This, I don’t think is entirely normal either. I can smell ketchup, bbq sauce etc but I wouldn’t notice it in an overpowering way even if there was a big full bowl of it on the table right next to me. I guess it would just mingle in with other smells. Your realisation that this links perhaps to your intolerance of tomato / vinegar is probably dead right. But I think it’s an unlucky meeting of two extremes - you are far more sensitive than most people to the smell, and she is far more likely to use loads of your dreaded condiment than most other people. You’re both being somewhat extreme and unreasonable, but you both can’t help it. So I think you need to minimise exposure but compromise as well.

Good