You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

Just read your updates .. I am still working at its gone 3.25am GMT. I see you said you have a cleaner and outsource ironing. Add loading and unloading the washing machine to the cleaner's jobs if possible. But hey . . he is very lucky to have a wife like you . . Can you take a week off unannounced to him and go to visit family or friends .. even if you take the children. Let him fend for himself ... sounds like a spoilt brat or jumped up jerk.

@doyoulikeflowers

my ex H was exactly
like yours. Never did a night waking, no sympathy when I was pregnant and vomiting daily for 9 months over two pregnancies (once said “I’m just so bored of hearing that” - “that” being me vomiting), his job always more important even though we literally do the same job for different companies and mine is now more senior. Went into the office every day during covid leaving me at home with 2 y.o and 5y.o while I did 8 hour exec levels zoom calls as I was newly promoted 6 weeks before lockdown. Claimed he slept so deeply he never heard a baby cry (but was up like a shot if he thought he heard our car alarm go off on the street outside).

I ended the marriage in November 2022 a d my God life is so much better. I have to do everything myself but then I always did - ironically these selfish pricks train you very effectively for life as a single parent.

I highly, highly, HIGHLY recommend divorce. I have young children too - we are all so much happier now we do t live with a kiddy selfish pig of a man. I have a new boyfriend now who is so kind and considerate. Life can be amazing. I was you two years ago. Everything about my life has improved since I got rid of him.

I'm struggling to understand why you stay with him?

You sound so unhappy.

Mine refused to go to counselling too.

Didn’t take paternity leave

Hsd the audacity to say “i’m tired too” when Inhad been BFing a newborn on demand for months and he was sleeping in the spare room

Called me fat and lazy constantly

I single handedly managed a reno project project adding a bathroom to our beach house during lockdown while working FT and managing 2 young children - when he saw it he called me a fucking idiot bc I’d forgotten to ask the builder to install a toilet roll holder

Never listened to anything I said - Frequently walked out of the room when I was mid sentence, rolled his eyes, sneered constantly

Honestly get rid. I am 42, lots of friends, great career as a senior lawyer, very attractive, well liked etc … I cannot BELIEVE what I tolerated for 2 decades.

He sounds absolutely horrible. For reference my dh helps out. He works full time and specifically looked for a flexible job with zero travel because I am disabled chronically ill and don’t work. Yes, that came with salary compromises. I spend a lot of time in bed. I try to make food for him everyday. Sometimes I fail. He often tidies the kitchen up because I don’t have the energy to make food and tidy.

When dd was little, dh would come home from work and tidy up as my back was so bad at the time I struggled to bend down. At times he puts his and my laundry away - dd does her own, she’s a teen. If I’m too weak, he carries the washing basket up. He doesn’t make food often for all of us. He will if directed. He used to take dd out a lot at the weekend and still comes home in time to take and/ or collect her from evening activities once or twice a week. I do the rest as she does something every day bar Sunday.

You would seriously be better off without this man. He is destroying you. Your poor kids. They deserve a mummy, who is treated with respect. Please don’t let this continue long term, they will think this is a normal way to treat a partner. You are being emotionally abused.

Pack a bag for you and the kids and go to your parents. Have your parents help during the day and get your ducks in a row. Use the CMS calculator and benefits calculator to see how much you can get, find financials and speak to a lawyer. You are this ‘mans’ skivvy not wife or partner. You deserve happiness too

He doesn’t care, respect or appreciate you. I hope you can see that and can start to make an exit plan

Next time he complains tell him to stop nagging

He sounds genuinely awful. It's one thing to be useless round the house but he's that and a massive twat to boot.

He treats with like nothing more than a servant by the sounds of things. What does he bring to your life? I assure you , your life can be so much better than this.

I am so sorry that some women live like this. It's a ridiculous and absurd situation. You're already enabling your husband's easy life and he wants to squeeze the life out of you until there's nothing left. Sadly you'd be better off alone with the kids as you wouldn't have to listen to the whingeing which is slowly grinding you down. Why some men expect to chill at the weekend and have the audacity to complain about tidiness, I'll never know. It's entitlement on another level.

You are not the weak one.
He is.
He sounds like a pathetic excuse for a 'man'. Zero redeeming features.

He's just a selfish cunt. He doesn't care at all and thinks he can dictate to you and constantly having you running around after him.

You said he refused to go to counselling. Counselling doesn't change men like this. He's committed to being this way. He doesn't give a shit.

If he won’t go to counselling, you should go to a solicitor.

Has he always been such a cunt?

LTB

Get a housekeeper as well as the cleaner, someone who will change the beds, do the dishes, all the stuff cleaners don't do.

If he lived alone he'd still need to wash his clothes, wash his pots, change his bedding so work is no excuse. He has time, he can go to bed later or get up later.

You both work, he doesn't get to offload the household to you.

Get a cleaner in more frequently and one who does the washing. If you can, stop wfh. My friends whose husbands work from home expect them to do loads of jobs at home and get irritated when they create any mess during the day. They don’t respect it as much as going out to work. I know loads of people think it is convenient because they can get jobs done and fit in more childcare but that sounds much harder to me.

I can't go to an office. There's no office. I would need to change jobs.

Spoiler alert: he's not lovely or supportive.

If it really irks him, he needs to find time to do it himself or he needs to dig deep to pay the cleaner to come a couple more times a week.

Reducing your hours reinforces his mistaken idea that he has no responsibility apart from working.

He can do housework etc on an evening.

He can order food shops in his lunch break.

He can arrange for the cleaner to come more often.

He can take time off to be at home some days, there is no job where this is impossible.

He can do his own washing.

He can get things ready for nursery then night before.

He doesn't want to.

I outsource ironing of shirts already.

I know this thread will make me angry. I haven’t read it yet. But already this sentence has made me annoyed. You outsource the ironing of his shirts?? Why is it yours to outsource even?? It is his responsibility .

I would not stay with a man who spoke to me like this. Do not stop work. I bet you keep saying he is a good man and great dad etc. If he behaves like this to you, he is not a nice person and would be so unattractive to me.

I was in your shoes. I got a nanny. It changed my life. All children related stuff sorted which was a complete game changer.

This sounds exactly like my marriage. My STBXH wasn’t quite as bad but I realised in the end he just does not like me.

I’ve spent the last few years trying to pacify him like a sulking child but when I went back to work after DC2 something clicked and I couldn’t put up with it anymore.

When I started to call him out on things he became aggressive infront of the children and that was the end really.

I sympathise OP

What about a housekeeper instead of a cleaner? Could you have someone in for a couple of hours a day who does a bit of cleaning, but also those household bits like getting a food shop?

You have no social time, and he is constantly harrassing you about what isn't done in the house? He's abusive. Document the shit out of everything, see a solicitor, and leave him.

Why should she stop working to become his dream housework slave?? Why should she compromise her future pension and working? To clean for him?

What is wrong with you??!