You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

OP, it does feel a little like you are making excuses for your DH - when you say he can't, hard to explain but he just can't. Whatever his excuse may be - he needs to be more flexible regarding you and your shared home life. He can complain all he likes but if he's not contributing to childcare or housework on the weekend then he needs to step up. The deliveroos etc can be reduced if you menu plan and order online - if you are doing this several times a week that will eat into your precious hours at home messing around on your phone or PC placing orders. Do it once - then live without until the next delivery. If DH is sat on a train commuting then give him the job of shopping - I get it that he can't if he is driving. But get a noticeboard so when you run out of something you can add to the list which will be the basis of your next shop. Find short cuts - so you are not running around like a headless chicken. Your DH can sort his own clothes out - he's a grown up FGS!! So if the ironing is outsourced - let him sort it when it's delivered back home. If you sort clean washing into piles for each person. Dump his clothes on his side of the room and let him deal with it!! You already have three people to sort as he's no help there. If he's complaining about the house being messy - he needs to tidy up not complain. If, as he says it's not a big deal then STFU and don't say anything cos it upsets you. His job may be high pressured but your job is 24/7 because he's not looking after kids when they are poorly. Don't waste your precious time trying to make his life easier because he does not do it for you - in fact - shut down everything you do for him and let him see how much harder his life will be. You should concentrate on looking after your own and the kids needs and I bet you will feel a lot more in control. I feel that you are trying and struggling to be all things to everyone - do what you have to do just once and then leave it!! Be kinder to yourself.

Id do less. And he can step up. His stuff i wouldnt touch. You both work full time. He can only completely avoid parenting during the week becUs of your sacrifices. Stop discussing it. Just stop doing it all.

doyoulikeflowers · Yesterday 19:49

I'm already throwing money at it. A lot.

Cleaner 400 a week. Shirt ironing, at least 200 a month.

Let him do his own bloody ironing!!!

Look at him, pushing as hard as he can to preserve his earning capacity and sabotage yours OP😡
I would want to slap him upside the head😡
(I wouldn't, violence is never the answer)

He has his own washing basket already, which I take downstairs to the washroom and he gets angry if I don't take it back up into our bathroom.

Can you imagine being that much of a prick, that you're unable to go back down and get it yourself ?

He also gets pissed off because the cleaners leave the cloths they use in the sink in the utility room ( when the washing machine is full ). Sometimes I don't get around to washing the cloths straight away as I have more important stuff to wash first- and he gets pissed off. Rather than helping.

He never does any night wakings. Not once. Not even when I had a newborn and a two year old. I did it all completely alone. Then I went back to work when my youngest was one - absolutely no support with the night wakings.

The last few weeks I've been up and down like a yo yo - either child waking every two hours all night - no support.

Right now I'm up with the youngest who's been screaming quite a bit- dad hasn't come out once to see what's going on and if he can help. We've been up for an hour. Getting milk, getting calpol etc. walking around, child screaming in the hallways etc. I'm sure he's awake. Just can't be fucked. He has the day off tomorrow - I guarantee he won't care that I've been up all night. He'll happily hear me go downstairs with the kids before 7 and he won't come down until 10 or so.

I'll have to ask him if I want him to do it and he'll begrudgingly do it then. But otherwise wouldn't.

He would come down at 10, make a mess, complain it's a shit hole, then disappear again for a bit with no comment. Before I know it it's lunch time and he'll be grumpy as there's nothing that's been cooked. So he may jump in and cook and make an absolute mess in the process. Then he'll complain it's a shit hole again. On it goes

I know this wasn’t the question but if DH is getting home at 8:30 and you go to bed at 8, and he seems to want you to spend your weekend cleaning, when do you spend time with each other, just spending time as a family or spending time as a couple? If you wfh all week, and with your kids every evening, do you get time to socialise or spend time with other adults, your friends or family? In my opinion, DH needs to be doing his own laundry and sorting his own iron, he’s an adult. How did this even become your responsibility? (I assume he wore clothes before the two of you moved in together, what happened?). But I’m more struck by how isolated this life sounds. It sounds like DH either doesn’t appreciate how impossibly hard you work every waking hour, or he doesn’t care, or he prefers it this way. Sorry if this is inappropriate/overstepping but does DH still make you happy at all?

I think your suggestions are all great @Rainbow1901 , but looking at OP's descriptions of this man I'm inclined to think he will be belligerent and not co-operate with any of it, do what he can to sabotage, etc.
He has his fixed view of how things should be and he wont back down.
That's how I'm reading it.

Jesus christ! If you are married just divorce him and start over. What a shit head.

@doyoulikeflowers
Why do you put up with that bullshit?
He nags at you constantly but yet accuses you of nagging, misogynistic bullshit.

Let him complain that it's a shithole, you're trying your best anyway and it hasn't made him any better. So just STOP. Let him moan and complain and live in misery and get angry and pissed off. Don't engage

He nags at you constantly but yet accuses you of nagging, misogynistic bullshit
That's straight up bare faced, gas lighting, head fuck territory!

Whose shirts are being washed and ironed?

When my youngest was a newborn with severe reflux- so a lot of wakings - I nearly lost it.

I couldn't handle it anymore at all.

I didn't feel heard by him at all. I was a wreck, I cried all the time as I was so exhausted.

I'm pretty sure I had PND. While I was driving, I had intrusive thoughts constantly of that swerving into oncoming traffic. I cried in supermarkets, uncontrollably, as I was just so done.

I told him all of this, he did nothing. Nothing. He just got sick of listening to it. No intervention. Nothing.

In the end I packed up the kids and stayed with my parents for 5 weeks or so. No one helped me with night wakings there, but at least during the day I wasn't alone and my mum helped me tremendously.

Then he had the audacity to ridicule me when I said that paternity leave is important, as a lot of mums struggle in the early days. He ridiculed me and said that mums need to get on with it and there's no time for paternity leave if they want the men to bring home a nice wad of cash.

I also had HG, both pregnancies. He again, worked through it- I had to just sort myself out somehow. He talks about my last pregnancy being ' really hard ' for him. It ' took its toll ' on him. I'm not sure how. It really pisses me off when he says that.

I just feel like because things have been a struggle for me in general, he just doesn't take it seriously. Doesn't listen. He doesn't even look at me when I'm talking to him. He just thinks I'm a weak / emotional moaning woman. That's how I feel.

He doesn't appreciate how hard it is for me at all. That's the whole point.

He only thinks of himself and how and life is for him. As he works long hours. Doesn't have socks all neatly folded in his drawers at all times because his shitty wife hasn't managed to do it. Ps: I always have clean laundry, just sometimes it's in baskets. I fall behind on putting it away. He also can't keep his cupboards tidy at all anyway, so it makes no difference.

I don't see many adults usually. Friend time - zero.

He's a P.O.S.
🗑

You are describing a horrible person. He appears to have no redeeming characteristics. Even he thinks he is worth nothing but a wad of cash. When he complains to you just agree with him. “Yes, I would be a better, happier, wife if you made more money. Why can’t you earn as much as (other guy) his wife and family are much better taken care of.”

If he's home at the weekend, surely he can manage some housework/looking after DC then.

Irrespective of how much you earn, you're both working full-time, the only difference is he commutes, while you work from home.

I'd be asking him to start looking for jobs closer to home, or perhaps moving nearer his work as the way you are living now is a quick route to breakdown.

None of that will help his horrible attitude though, and if you want to save this marriage, couples counselling/therapy would likely be helpful.

He refuses to go to counselling.

This is a very bad idea when you are with a man like this. Financial abuse soon works its way into the way he speaks to you when "you don't earn any of the money".

He doesn’t respect you or care about your well being. Start getting your ducks in a row (financials etc) and I would prepare to leave - he isn’t adding support, joy or love to your life.
The way he feels about you is his issue, it’s nothing that you have or have not done. He sounds as though he doesn’t respect women as a whole, not just you. I’m sorry OP - no one should treat anyone like this.

Definitely don't quit your job because someone who treats you this way when you're working full time, is probably going to behave even worse if you're completely under his financial control. The best I can think of, if you don't feel like you can make bigger changes to the situation, is to just let his nasty remarks roll off your back so they don't ruin your mental health, and stay with your job so that you're not subject to being financially dependent on him. Then at least you'll have options for your future. Outsource what you can, minimize the work you do for him so your efforts (where possible) are focused on your and the kids' needs (with your job being one of your needs), but do not quit work if you can help it.

OP he has put you through so much! Reading everything you have said I'm really struggling to understand why you're still with him.

It's baffling that someone who is supposed to love you, and at the very least respect you can treat you like their own servant. Worse in fact because the way you're being spoken to is horrendous. Manipulative, undermining, cruel. As a minimum, I would through the nagging right back at him for every tiny winge, whine and complaint you hear out of his mouth. You're clearly a capable woman because you're doing everything and have been doing everything for years on TOP of your job, yet you seem to have no faith in yourself having been verbally beated down by this asshole!

Would you leave? Surely you know you deserve better than this? 💐

You need to realize your life would be easier and more enjoyable without him. You're doing everything anyway. Imagine having a nice atmosphere at home. No one criticising you. No other adult to do laundry for.

Money may be tight but I'd take a flat and some independence over a horrible man who has no respect for me. In fact, I did do just that when I left exDH.

@doyoulikeflowers Tell us one good thing about this man, what does he bring to your life that makes this daily torture all worth it, that keeps you with him.

We'll wait.

This isn't s marriage anymore, is it?

What are you staying for?

Would your life be easier if this man wasn't in it? It sounds that way, from what you've told us.

Remember that you don't have to stay married to someone just because you've had children with him. He still has to contribute financially to looking after them after you're divorced, and it doesn't sound like he's doing much more than that now...