You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

I don't think the solution is to get more outside help, the solution is to leave. In effect you are already a single parent. How could you be any worse off? It's a relief, believe me, you are still doing it all but without the weighty resentment of no help and without the weight of expectation from him. He's treating you like 'staff'. I haven't read everyone else's responses, I read your thread in entirety - it became more and more sorrowful and it's no surprise you have lost yourself.

Nah. You can have it all by having a decent husband who respects you and does everything 50/50. I live that life and have no regrets.

Your husband sounds pretty awful. If you're not planning to divorce him, then practical things are:

I have located a cleaner who will do laundry (and ironing). It's much less than £600 a month, but I have a small house. I know it feels overwhelming but finding someone who'll deal with all of it feels like step one. If they then can't 2x a week I think that would make a huge difference.

Asda and I think Ocado and maybe Waitrose have a concept called shopping list. On the Asda app I have one for "every week" and then a rotation of 5x a week's worth of dinners. Given how overwhelmed you are, make the dinners the easiest possible options - pasta and sauce etc.

That way you just add 1x every week and 1x dinners to your basket.

You could also have a top up shop one - milk, fruit, bread etc. that you also get delivered once a week.

I'd advise against stepping down and doing less work, simply because it sounds like you may need to divorce him at some point and you'll be in a more vulnerable position if you do that. Can you have a look at jobs that are maybe a sideways move: lower stress but the same kind of level etc?

I do think that looking after constantly ill children with no support sounds like a total nightmare, and I think your husband does need to take his share of the illness because "working from home" with ill children will be doing no one any good.

Why and how have you let it get to this ridiculous stage? We shared wakings from day one. I am telling you stop being a doormat today. It blows my mind that women tolerate this for years and years. Get out of this marriage. What a bastard. Enough. Have some self-respect.

I guess the question is financially do you need to work full time. If it’s stressful with the juggle is it worth it. You are spending a lot of money on a cleaner etc. If you go part time there is no guarantee it will be any better as if they are ill they will still need to be at home. I would consider maybe doing a different part time role. Or taking a break until they are at school and they have built up more immunity. You need to consider you. If his job is so full on he can’t support you, it’s not working is it.
Or consider an aupair or nanny who can be there even when they are ill and cut back on nursery days. They will even do household jobs for you.

I couldn't live like that @doyoulikeflowers. Marriage is a partnership. I'm really surprised you had a second child with this man, my nethers clamped shut just reading about him!

Apart from having your dc, do you get any benefit from this relationship?

How are you feeling about your marriage after reading these replies?

@doyoulikeflowers please stop even thinking that you are shitty, hormonal, moaning, a nag. You aren't any of these things.

You are a capable, intelligent woman.

You have just reached the end of your tether.

I take it when Husband comes out of his hole to whine about 'the state of the place' he doesnt actually do any thing about it?

Are you frightened of him? What would happen if you responded by saying 'help then'?

Even chief executives can take sick leave if needed for families. But it sounds like you both have very intense jobs. The money means you can outsource so do it.

Of course he can.

OP decide what is important to you, a ‘nice wad of cash’ or something else? And decide what you are willing to do if things don’t change.

One thing that really stuck out to me was your use of the word ‘help’. This implies all the unpaid drudgery is yours. He isn’t helping by washing his own clothes. Or doing something for his kids. You should both get a lie in on one weekend day.

I assume you both contribute towards bills, so you should both contribute towards the house / child care. I’ve a 16 month old so working with him here is impossible if he is off nursery. So far I’ve taken time off as I had a few spare holiday days and I work a flexi system so can ‘catch-up’. DP would be unpaid, however if he was off for more than a day we’d have to share!

You’re right to speak to him about his judgement of you. Especially when he’s not contributing himself. Does he help on the weekend? Can you get a cleaner?

OP why are you staying with him? Your life would be easier without him and you know it. He contributes three things: a pay check, more work for you and a heap of stress. So swap the pay check for child maintenance and the reduction in money is worth getting rid of the other two. You already do 100% of the child care.

I could give ideas of how to make your life easier, or how to get him to listen. But I see no point in any of that from what you’ve written. Men don’t change unless they want to.

He is a misogynistic bastard, OP. I couldn't live like this.

Of course he can take time to care for the kids when theyve been off 7 days of the last 10. He sounds like a dick. If you're both working full time - regardless of who is the higher earner - you should both be chipping in.

One of us (me) is the higher earner with less flex and a v high pressure job. The other (dh) is about to get a promo at work and is trying to go the extra mile. Rather than one of us sit ourselves on a pedastool and make the other feel like crap for declaring our day, time or current/future money more important everytime the kids are ill, we work it out between us. Anyone can take last minute leave for caring responsibilities or unpaid leave at a push.

Sorry I dont buy it. We both want an active role in our childrens lives, to share the household responsibilities and support each other. Yes it's crap and you feel torn in every direction and your DH might have to catch up with work another time, but he's being selfish.

Think about the adults you want your children to be - what role model is this man to them? Whether you have girls or boys, this isnt the role model jd want for mine.

Honey, there is a fat chance that he is chagging another misses while he is not taking care of you or his kids : he has a lot of free time. Just saying. Stop talking or listening to anything he says and start making a list of what you and your kids need and want, if he does not do it, it's very easy. He can have a very nice space for himself in a nice clean flat. He is free. You too. Conforming to his idea of a picture perfect wife will destroy you. This woman does not exist. Try being Barbie. Fight back and remain in this real world were we all live in. He thinks you are alone, this is why he is making his move right now. I would hastily change jobs. And get out of the house to meet up with friends and have people coming to your house. And really make him smaller in your life. All the best. There is little chance he will change. So make your demands. Don't give in.

You really have to make sure that you are not wasting your time here. All the best. It sucks. Not it's not your fault. Even if your day had 72 hours you could not make this work. You are alone. It takes two.

Are your children up now? Is your DH still sleeping? Go and wake him immediately. Tell him it's his turn and you've been awake though the night. Go back to bed and sleep.

Once rested decide it you want to continue to work full time. If you do, sit him down and tell him you both need to agree to make this work for both of you. Make him listen. This is important.

If you do think working part time is better for you then explore that but not just for a tidy house for your DH.

You need a division of labour that works with his restrictive working hours.

I do cleaning and laundry, DH does cooking, food shopping, DIY, bins, garden etc. I’m a teacher so can be home by 5 and then work after the kids are in bed, thus can put a load of laundry on when I get home every day. Aside from the cooking and packed lunches, DH can do most of his chores at the weekend so it doesn’t matter if he’s working far away. He knows that if he’s working late he needs to leave a pre prepared meal in the fridge for me to heat up.

If he can’t agree to this, then he needs to financially facilitate you working less, if that’s what you want.

Or he gets a massive kick in the balls. Either way.

This. Your husband sounds like an entitled prick. You're not his slave.

@BlueMum16 I ended up waking him up last night a few times.

It was a horrendous night, my almost 2 year old did not stop crying - for hours. My H tried to take him, but of course, as he's used to being with me- it was upsetting him even more whilst feeling ill, to go with his dad.

It was a long long night.

H is now up with us all, thankfully. I think he knows it's just not on if he stayed in bed. We had a conversation about that a couple of weeks ago. That he can't just expect all the lie ins. So I think he is trying. But I often just leave him to it, to make him happy kind of thing. If I have the energy, I'll look after them. Sometimes I just take them out for the day to give him a break and some space, it's not reciprocated of course. I guess I do try to do a lot to try to make things easier. But he doesn't recognise it. He only picks up on where I fall short.

Honestly what are you staying for OP? There’s no marriage here, or even friendship. The kids are small and would adapt quickly to a split, he obviously wouldn’t want 50/50 contact so he’d have to pay maintenance. And you’d be better off because you’d have one less person to care for and no one to answer for. I’d be seriously considering ending this marriage now before you’d kids are old enough to start treading on eggshells.

Lass, if you address all these issues he will find something else to moan about. Get out before you are completely destroyed. Yes it extremely difficult to leave, it took me two years and you will suffer and doubt yourself but you will get there. Much love and peace to you.x

But why does he need things to be easier by not having you and the kids for? Why did he even have kids? It’s not what easier should be.

You have seen people’s responses here now. What are you going to do about your ridiculous imbalanced home set-up now? What’s the plan?