You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

He goes to work at 5:30am. Can he stick a load of clothes in the washing machine before he goes. You can then either stick it on the line or in the tumble depending on weather before you start work. The washing could even go in the machine the night before so he just needs to push the on button before leaving the house.

Book a food delivery once a week. With some providers you can have a favourites basket and then add bits you fancy on top of the weekly regulars.

Slow cookers are great for making stews, bolognaise, chilli and can be done before starting work and left to do it's thing. Make double portions and freeze leftovers which can be reheated on days when things just can't be done. I am a batch cooker so tend to do some cooking on a Sunday morning while the kids are amusing themselves, portion and freeze for during the week. My kids are 11 and 7 so old enough to not need constant supervision.

I work full time from home in a stressful job so I get it. If you can get a little bit of organisation into the household chores then it does make things a bit easier to keep on top of. Maybe see if the cleaner could come twice a week.

He does need to do some housework though. You shouldn't be doing everything. You both work full time.

You can’t keep having the same conversations and behaving in the same way and expecting a different result.

I suggest you tell him that you’re fed up of having this conversation and the way he makes you feel and if he raises it again you will be happy to demonstrate just how much you do for him and the house by going on strike. Let him wash and iron his own clothes and make his own dinner. Yea, he works a long day but so do you once you factor in childcare.

Your DH gets home at 8.30, not midnight.

I suspect this is utter bullshit. Does he have female colleagues with DC? It's amazing how many women I know whose husbands "can't possibly" take time off with sick DCs, but where I also know women who do the same job who can...!

Fuck off for a few days and leave him to it. Report back on how he does. Some people need experience to learn!

Oh goodness you're right @Animatic
Essentially...2 women! Then it's possible to do it all.
Useless husband = no chance

Does he have two small children hence is justifiably tired and grumpy? They live in the same house and are biologically his, the relationship seems to end there though. He works without regard to whether they are sick or well like a childless person, he sleeps all night whether they are awake or not like a childless person, does hobbies and goes away on the weekends like a childless person, comes home late and doesn’t do any housework or cooking like an entitled mummy’s boy who thinks women are maids, and doesn’t tidy up after children or prep for their day or do anything for their needs, like a childless person. The op must be completely fucking exhausted.

Time for him to take on some of the tasks that can be done whilst he is 'oh so busy at work'.....during his lunch break he can do the online food shop, take care of the family calendar, make sure all admin tasks like insurance, bills etc are dealt with. Walking out the door first thing in the morning does not absolve him of responsibility.

I agree with finding a more rounded house assistant who does laundry etc and having them a couple times a week.

It’s his choice to work extra hours over coming home and doing his fair share of cleaning. As you work full time he has no excuse to blame you. If he’s not happy he needs to do his own cleaning or pay for the cleaner to come more often.

I get sick of this ‘poor full time working man’ narrative we constantly see on Mumsnet. If you work full time (doesn’t matter if it’s from home or not) there is no excuse for you to get landed with all the housework and all the nagging from him.

He doesn't work 05:30 - 8:30, those include his commute times. These are the same work + commute times that my own DH does and he manages to do plenty of housework and parenting, unlike this misogynistic husband that OP is married to.

You’re basically a single parent with someone who comes home and criticises you. Wouldn’t it just be easier to divorce him, continue living like a single parent but not be criticised every evening?

It’s fine to realise that having husband with a big important job is actually really shit and making you miserable.

He is right that you’re not the only mum who works full time. Me and my DH also both work full time.

However, I am home and finished for the day after school pick ups and DH works 10am till 6pm so our combined weekly hours seems much less than yours (assuming your full time job is not one of these “lazy girl” jobs instagrammers talk about)

My DH also does his fair share of kids/food/house stuff after work and on the weekends. We also both take our holiday and use it when wanted/needed.

Neither of us could look after a sick child while working so would either ask our parents (support we have that you seem not to) or would take parental leave/sick leave as appropriate.

So both families working full time but with fairly significant differences that make our lifestyle sustainable and yours not. It’s far to simplistic to compare like for like.

Is his job worth all this? The only families I know where someone works those kinds of hours are on mega bucks so the sacrifices seem worth it. They would also have some sort of housekeeper/nanny set up. If his job couldn’t support the cost of this, then perhaps on a pay per hour basis he would be better off finding something that takes up less of his and the families time.

What does he do at the weekend?

I bet if a mother did his job she would take time off when her children were ill.

I wrote a response and deleted it .. Don't do the washing, ironing, cleaning ..Let him take his gear to the laundry for a serve wash and iron. He will soon get the hang of the routine. As for cooking his meals - tell him to stretch or starve. If you dropped tomorrow what would he do .. Sorry if I sound mean but I have a HB who is horizontal most of the time ... he doesn't work and it drives me mad .. and I have to work 6-7 days / nights a week .. self employed mostly at home .. intense work or out freezing my ass off on building sites or in meetings. The washing basket is never empty and the ironing piles high but quite frankly I couldn't give a damn anymore .. as long as the kids stuff is done, I wash and iron my own stuff and leave his.

If you can, yes, get a cleaner in ..!!

This. It sounds like neither of you have time for housework. You work full time and have kids. There is absolutely no shame in outsourcing domestic labour in this day and age.

Don't work fewer hours or else you'll forever be the lower earner. There is absolutely no reason men should earn more. I'm forever perplexed that women just assume they will earn less than their male partners 🤯

Instead, wax canny and outsource the laundry, up the cleaner hours and tell your husband to stfu and take it in turns at getting up with the kids. Those hours sound like banking, so it's completely understandable he's mentally tired and doesn't want to do drudge work. Who does?

If he doesn't want to spend money on more help, he can do it himself, cos you aren't.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything

..............................

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

Then turn it right back around to him, no more discussions about it, just accuse him of nagging, every time he says something tell him he's nagging.

How dare he!!!!
He nags you constantly and makes you feel like you need to clean 24/7 and when you bring it up you're the one 'nagging' him.
Fuck that shit.

Why can’t you hire a cleaner??? If he works so many hours, he presumably is making good money?

and also, he’s not the only dad that works full time. Maybe he needs to sort his laundry.

It’s called being passive aggressive. Which is being aggressive.
let him sulk / ltb

Read her posts. She does have a cleaner

They spend a fortune outsourcing. It's not effective and he leaves it all to her to sort

Then you need to hire a cleaner that does laundry, and comes more than once a week. Once a week isn’t enough when you have toddlers running around and two adults who don’t pick up after themselves. You’re both being unreasonable to think that you can have a pristine home without dedicating the time or funds to keep it that way.

He needs to hire a cleaner to cover his share of the workload.

What does he do OP? Men often overstate the importance of their jobs to get out of doing the equally important work of childcare/sorting the house etc.

Is he confusing importance with earning a lot of money?

e.g paediatric heart surgeon? Fair enough. Bullshit corporate consultancy role? You can take a couple of days off for your sick child.

He needs to be the one to find a solution, not you. It's his share of the work that's not getting done.