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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You're not the only mum who works full time...

988 replies

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:30

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

OP posts:
Honestmama · 05/03/2024 19:20

Sorry but you don’t have a partner! You have a teenager who comes and goes as he pleases and expects you to do everything! Kick him out! You didn’t agree to take on a teen too! He seems to bring nothing but complaints to the relationship and gaslights you If you call him out!!

Original poster
doyoulikeflowers · 05/03/2024 19:22

AhNowTed · 05/03/2024 19:19

@NotTheMrMenAgain

Brilliant post and this bit stood out..

"Because I guarantee that even if you gave up work to become a perfect 50’s housewife then he’d instantly change his story and you’d be criticised for not having a career and being a financial burden."

That's exactly what would happen.

He already mentions all the time how he ' pays for everything '. He says, it used to be 50-50, but not anymore - I'm paying for everything ! Then he lists what he pays for.

Then I list what I pay for and get berated about spending too much money. I know I do, but some of the stuff really is necessary.

Of course he thinks he'd do it so much better.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 05/03/2024 19:41

Then suggest he stays at home and you'll go out to work...

AhNowTed · 05/03/2024 19:48

OP I really believe this is all about control.

Keeping you down, on tenterhooks, trying to please him, running around tidying before he gets home, panicking there isn't a meal on the table.

He actually gets off on it.

I actually picture him outside the house having a perfectly normal work phone call, and as soon as he walks through the door, his demeanour changes to this nasty selfish controlling man looking for fault - anything to keep you down and in your place.

Never mind you have a full time well paid job. It's irrelevant.

I'm sorry but he is a monster.

BigButtons · 05/03/2024 19:52

My ex blames me for squandering the family money by spending it all on fripperies. He told the kids this. Thing is I paid for the cleaner/ mother’s help and had absolutely no access to his money- ever.
yes your husband will accuse you of spending his money.
Don’t you see that no matter what you do he will make you out to be wrong?
This isn’t a matter of getting extra help in- no amount of extra help in the house will help because that is not what the issue is.
You can’t win. You need to get out- get your kids out. He is toxic and abusive and your children deserve a mother who fees even a tiny bit alive.

RandomMess · 05/03/2024 19:53

I'm so glad you have your life coach!!

Time off, good advice

No huge decision whilst you are in such a bad place, good advice.

You need to end it but first you need legal advice and plan and start prioritising your needs.

I hope you can find a housekeeper.

Flowers
Phoenixfire1988 · 05/03/2024 20:04

Tell him he either gets off his lazy arse and helps more, drops hours or fucking shuts his moaning trap why should you sacrifice your career , you both work so both tackle chores.
I'm afraid you've married an absolute tw@ and need to decide of this is how you want to waste your life

Phoenixfire1988 · 05/03/2024 20:08

NotTheMrMenAgain · 05/03/2024 15:53

Hi OP - I just wrote a looooong post about my experience of a very similar sounding ex-husband but accidentally managed to delete it - fat fingers! So the abridged, cutting the crap version is;

The real issue here isn’t about more cleaners or childcare or on-line shopping or meal planning or whatever to make the domestic load easier. The real issue here is that your husband is a serious piece of work, who’s doing a real number on your self esteem and mental health.

I promise you that nothing you do will ever be good enough. He’ll pick at you and snipe at you and criticise you until you are literally, physically on your knees - at which point he’ll step over you, to go about his business. Been there, got the T-shirt and the decree nisi (thus far).

What’s his attitude if you fall ill? Is he annoyed at the inconvenience, like you’re a faulty domestic appliance?

He’s treating you with utter contempt, and I promise there’s no way back from that. It doesn’t matter if he has ADHD - it doesn’t make people treat the person they’re supposed to love and be a team with, like he’s treating you. That’s called being an absolute, misogynistic, selfish wank stain of a human being.

You are obviously a highly intelligent, competent woman - you’re doing a pressurised paying job while caring for young DC and pandering to your arsehole of a husband. It sounds like he brings little but criticism and nastiness to your life. I predict your life would be infinitely more pleasant and less stressful without him around.

You sound so ground down and worn away that you barely recognise yourself any longer. That’s not okay. An emotionally healthy person does not stand by and watch that happen to the person they’re supposed to love, while offering no support but actually putting the boot in. This is not a you problem. It’s a him problem.

You can’t fix your husband or fix your marriage by yourself or flog yourself to death trying to meet his crazy, unrealistic standards. Because I guarantee that even if you gave up work to become a perfect 50’s housewife then he’d instantly change his story and you’d be criticised for not having a career and being a financial burden.

In my experience you can’t reason with these types of men. Everything will always be your fault and you will always fall short and be found wanting. Which will have a devastating impact on your self esteem.

What you can do is save yourself and your DC - because you can’t keep living like this and it’s not a good environment or example for the DC. In three short years both DC will be in school and your life could be completely different and so happy away from this awful man. But nothing will change for as long as you stay with him.

You earn very well. He will have to pay maintenance but even if he weasels out of it, you will be okay. Get away from his toxic negativity and I suspect you will gradually begin to feel like your old self again. I didn’t realise how much my contemptuous ex had squashed me down and how much of my true self had been suffocated or hidden, until I got time and space away from him.

I wish I could give you a huge hug. You deserve so, so much better and your future is entirely in your hands. He’s like a vampire, sucking any energy, self esteem and joy out of you. Seriously, save yourself. Don’t waste any more time trying to continue a relationship that’s damaging you.

YES!!! ALL OF THIS .
Leave for your sanity and for your children is this what you want them to think is normal ? He is an utter POS and you all deserve better

TryingNotCrying24 · 05/03/2024 20:23

In a real partnership all money would be in the pot, all chores and family management items would be on the table for sharing out, outsourcing or de-prioritising, and both partners would be aligned on how much they wanted each to invest in work versus family.
You are so far from this scenario and from the sounds of it your husband has absolutely no intention of getting anywhere near it.

Nonewclothes2024 · 05/03/2024 20:29

God @doyoulikeflowers you'd be so much happier without him.

Lollipop81 · 05/03/2024 20:39

I think you know you need to leave him. He doesn’t help you in anyway and you won’t have all the stress he gives you. The emphasis on cleaning is weird in itself, he seems obsessed.
How can he not let you take the kids, he is hardly going to keep them and look after them by himself is he, he doesn’t help now so how in earth would he manage.
Do you want your kids to grow up seeing you be disrespected like this, calling you a psycho. If you won’t leave for yourself leave for them.

MumAsYouAre · 05/03/2024 20:58

Shit like this grinds my gears. Mums that work from home are just expected to pick up the slack when kids are off nursery/school. Working efficiently and providing childcare is virtually impossible and your husband expects you to clean and do the laundry while you're at it?!

Original poster
doyoulikeflowers · 05/03/2024 21:02

Just had a series of mini break downs this evening and did talk to him.

He seemed very empathetic and sorry.

He said he's worried about me etc. and he doesn't mean it bla bla bla. I shouldn't care- who cares about a pair of dumb socks anyway, he said.

It's not important.

He said he'll do his own laundry. For the first time he didn't say it in a mean way. He just said that he doesn't want to make it a stressful thing I need to do on top of everything else. He's said it before but usually like : ' fine then, I'll do my own laundry, if it's such a big deal for you '. It seemed like a different conversation at least for once, I guess.

But why does he have to let it go this far? I've been trying to talk calmly to him for weeks and he just shuts down. Do I have to get so upset to make him understand how much I'm struggling ?

In any case. Regardless of what was said. I will do as my life coach said. Step by step, try and get some form of life back for myself and then see what happens.

OP posts:
TicTac80 · 05/03/2024 21:13

I really hope that he does actually listen and follow through with what he says. You're both parents and you both work FT. He needs to get on actually do stuff about the house, rather than moan about things. I bet that if he actually got on and did stuff (and had your back), then you'd be feeling a lot better about things. Really hope that it works out, and I'm glad that you have the life coach to talk things through with too. Good luck x

ab03 · 05/03/2024 21:18

Well done for speaking to him, it must have been hard after how all your other conversations seem to go. If he is responding genuinely and with concern for you I definitely think it's worth trying to carve out some time without the kids around so you can talk about how you move forward and get some balance and enjoyment into your lives

WinterDeWinter · 05/03/2024 21:33

He senses he may be losing his domestic/sexual support human.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/03/2024 21:36

He’s trying to appease you. If he actually cared, he’d be taking up some serious slack for a while. I bet he didn’t offer for you to go away / take the kids away, to take time off if one of them is ill or get up in the night.

DownDame · 05/03/2024 21:57

doyoulikeflowers · 05/03/2024 19:07

I'm also considering taking the rest of the week off work. It's just too much pressure at work at the moment. It makes me feel so rubbish. I know I need to try and keep this job, but my work environment is absolutely toxic at this company and I feel so crap every day there too.

I just can't face the rest of the week. I can't face anything. I just want to stay in bed and hide and recharge.

Sounds like you are already moving in the right direction .. life coach, reviewing cleaner/housekeeper, taking some time off work … tfg you are not self employed! You are entitled to sign off for 5 days which includes the weekend .. do it. Time out to recharge!

ilovesushi · 05/03/2024 22:02

I hope you can get some good quality rest tonight. Have a herbal tea, a paracetamol to get your fever down, and in a few days or weeks when you are well, you can take stock of this situation. You have a lot of women rooting for you. I hope you got some clarity and support from this thread. x

MothralovesGojira · 05/03/2024 22:04

Abusers sense when a victim twigs what's going on. They then become more amenable and offer to make small changes to help. This is designed to take the abused off of 'war footing' and back down and allows the victim to think that things are going to get better. It doesn't last long. The abuser will ramp it back up again once they sense that they have control again often worse than before. It's all about lulling you into a false sense of security and getting you to relax your guard - it's the slight of hand manoeuvre. He's distracting with conciliatory behaviour but what is going on elsewhere? That's what you need to think about OP.

veggie50 · 05/03/2024 22:26

Good to hear he's finally considering doing some housework albeit work he's created. I would still look into getting full time help at home rather than a gaggle of cleaners / therapist / take away. Life coach only help with planning and cleaners can only pick up slacks. My single mother had a helper (non live in but full time during the week) when we were kids and she had to run a business. The house was always clean and home cooked meals every evening, like you would if you have a house proud stay at home mum. It's not something everyone can afford but it looks like you can so you should at least look into it.

Thisisnotarehearsal · 05/03/2024 22:30

doyoulikeflowers · 05/03/2024 21:02

Just had a series of mini break downs this evening and did talk to him.

He seemed very empathetic and sorry.

He said he's worried about me etc. and he doesn't mean it bla bla bla. I shouldn't care- who cares about a pair of dumb socks anyway, he said.

It's not important.

He said he'll do his own laundry. For the first time he didn't say it in a mean way. He just said that he doesn't want to make it a stressful thing I need to do on top of everything else. He's said it before but usually like : ' fine then, I'll do my own laundry, if it's such a big deal for you '. It seemed like a different conversation at least for once, I guess.

But why does he have to let it go this far? I've been trying to talk calmly to him for weeks and he just shuts down. Do I have to get so upset to make him understand how much I'm struggling ?

In any case. Regardless of what was said. I will do as my life coach said. Step by step, try and get some form of life back for myself and then see what happens.

He is briefly nice to you to keep you on the hook.

Jmuc · 05/03/2024 23:02

He doesn't appreciate you in any way, not up for counselling, and talks shit about you to your own kids by calling you a pyscho?! He doesn't love you, leave him and start to heal. Think of every situation you've described to us in this thread, and how it would've been easier if he wasn't there. Even the night wakings, he doesn't help with them but without him, big stress will be lifted making it somewhat easier in various ways.

For God's sake Don't let him teach your kids that this is how a husband should treat his wife, how a person should treat another person. Imagine if a friend described what you're saying back to you, see the madness and leave! I wish you strength x

Twatalert · 05/03/2024 23:40

Oh OP I hope you can read back everything you wrote one day and see how terrible it all sounds. He's not a good man and I do sense some emotional abuse by him. What are the chances he will change? Extremely slim as he takes no accountability for his behaviour and gaslights you and puts you down. How can one love a man like that? Do you love yourself?

You deserve so much more. This isn't remotely close to the minimum. His behaviours and views are so ingrained that I wouldn't fall for promises such as he will start doing some housework. This man needs to change his view of the world and it doesn't happen overnight and rarely does it happen without outside help.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 06/03/2024 00:01

@doyoulikeflowers My god I don't know how you're still going because frankly I would have cracked long before! Give yourself a pat on the back because whilst you clearly don't feel it YOU ARE STRONG to be living like you are it was heartbreaking reading your posts.

I don't mean to be harsh but OP please wake the fuck up to what's staring you in the face and get yourself and your kids away from your husband!!!

He's a selfish, lazy, entitled, spiteful, manipulative and abusive cunt! You're workload is fucking massive and on top of that he makes more mess, leaves it for you to clean up and has the audacity to complain when you don't do it immediately!!

He's got it pretty fucking good from where I'm sitting he doesn't lift a finger can come and go as he pleases, has tons of money because he's so tight even the King would come to the opening of his wallet! I'm livid at his behaviour and the irony of his "you're a pyschopath" comment is amusing to me because he shares one key trait of a narcissist and a psychopath and that's zero empathy judging from you're posts. He's also a misogynist, look at the way he treats you, speaks to you, disrespects you. His children are sick and he does nothing and has the nerve to complain you aren't doing enough! He's completely destroyed your confidence and self esteem, made you feel worthless and gaslighted you into thinking everything is your fault and he can't understand after behaving and doing all this to you that you don't want to have sex with him and be close with him. Just reading about your husband has made my skin crawl.

Leave this man op, start planning your escape now, do it quietly and carefully trust me I've been in this situation and if you need to make a hasty exit its always best to have everything you need out of the house and safe with someone you trust. Pack up all paperwork relating to yourself and the children, birth certificates, passports, medical records, photo's etc. Pack up some clothes, practical stuff sheets towels etc do it slowly so he won't notice. Work out accomodation try and get legal advice solicitors offer free 1 hour consults and get advice.

Your husband is turning his nastiness on your daughter because she isn't conforming to what he demands, he sounds controlling and he will eat away at her confidence and self worth like he has to you and thats wrong and its abuse. He won't change OP I guarantee you he will make the effort for a few weeks and then just stop and expect you to do it then start complaing. He's massively taking the piss and doesn't seem to care his exhausted wife is caring for HIS children, juggling work, juggling the house, the shopping, doctors appointments on top of a full time job! Get away from him he's a bully.

Also please see your GP and tell them everything please confide in a friend or relative you trust believe me just saying it out loud will lift a weight off you. Also stop doing anything for him, cleaning cooking washing, ironing not a thing. He doesn't appreciate what you are doing so he can he do it for himself you aren't his slave!