You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

Hi OP - I just wrote a looooong post about my experience of a very similar sounding ex-husband but accidentally managed to delete it - fat fingers! So the abridged, cutting the crap version is;

The real issue here isn’t about more cleaners or childcare or on-line shopping or meal planning or whatever to make the domestic load easier. The real issue here is that your husband is a serious piece of work, who’s doing a real number on your self esteem and mental health.

I promise you that nothing you do will ever be good enough. He’ll pick at you and snipe at you and criticise you until you are literally, physically on your knees - at which point he’ll step over you, to go about his business. Been there, got the T-shirt and the decree nisi (thus far).

What’s his attitude if you fall ill? Is he annoyed at the inconvenience, like you’re a faulty domestic appliance?

He’s treating you with utter contempt, and I promise there’s no way back from that. It doesn’t matter if he has ADHD - it doesn’t make people treat the person they’re supposed to love and be a team with, like he’s treating you. That’s called being an absolute, misogynistic, selfish wank stain of a human being.

You are obviously a highly intelligent, competent woman - you’re doing a pressurised paying job while caring for young DC and pandering to your arsehole of a husband. It sounds like he brings little but criticism and nastiness to your life. I predict your life would be infinitely more pleasant and less stressful without him around.

You sound so ground down and worn away that you barely recognise yourself any longer. That’s not okay. An emotionally healthy person does not stand by and watch that happen to the person they’re supposed to love, while offering no support but actually putting the boot in. This is not a you problem. It’s a him problem.

You can’t fix your husband or fix your marriage by yourself or flog yourself to death trying to meet his crazy, unrealistic standards. Because I guarantee that even if you gave up work to become a perfect 50’s housewife then he’d instantly change his story and you’d be criticised for not having a career and being a financial burden.

In my experience you can’t reason with these types of men. Everything will always be your fault and you will always fall short and be found wanting. Which will have a devastating impact on your self esteem.

What you can do is save yourself and your DC - because you can’t keep living like this and it’s not a good environment or example for the DC. In three short years both DC will be in school and your life could be completely different and so happy away from this awful man. But nothing will change for as long as you stay with him.

You earn very well. He will have to pay maintenance but even if he weasels out of it, you will be okay. Get away from his toxic negativity and I suspect you will gradually begin to feel like your old self again. I didn’t realise how much my contemptuous ex had squashed me down and how much of my true self had been suffocated or hidden, until I got time and space away from him.

I wish I could give you a huge hug. You deserve so, so much better and your future is entirely in your hands. He’s like a vampire, sucking any energy, self esteem and joy out of you. Seriously, save yourself. Don’t waste any more time trying to continue a relationship that’s damaging you.

Oh yeah I've been sick too. Fever. Tonsillitis twice, through this time period. I'm very run down and have just started immunosuppressant medication which has also caused me to be even more exhausted and run down. He knows all this. Still I can't catch a break.

@NotTheMrMenAgain Brilliant post. Very wise words.

You need to get rid of him - you don’t appear to have taken any advice from any comments - he’s not a partner - he’s a single man living with you - your poor kids - he’s so so selfish - he needs a massive wake up. You need to take action. He’s not a good parent either. You’d be better of being a single parent - you wouldn’t have his shit to manage. Tell him to f… off!!! It’s no life.

I agree, that post from @NotTheMrMenAgain sums up the situation perfectly.

I've been married to a controlling man before and tried everything to please him and utterly failed. I divorced him after 12 years because I couldn't take it anymore 😢

Well sorry to say but OP sounds like she is struggling, I definitely think so. The husband like I said is an idiot, she could leave him but doesn’t look like she wants to. She has enough money with two 6 figure salaries, so she can throw some at the problem and solve it. I am not telling her to do all the chores, she needs to do some, delegate the rest to the hubby and external help. That way, she isn’t the only one in charge of everything and she can rightfully enjoy her life and get some rest which is so deserves.

@NotTheMrMenAgain has said most of what I want to say.

Even if your awful husband was right (and he is NOT) and you are weak, incompetent and complaining, he is not helpful or supportive to you. This life is not making either of you happy. You deserve so much better for yourself and your children deserve a happy and healthy mother. You worry about your husband's reaction if you went to stay with your parents or told him to leave but he's already angry and abusive. He blames you because you don't find him sexually attractive, nobody would be attracted to someone who behaves as he does. Please, please look after yourself.

Wow! That is a lot! It sounds to me that the expectation is that you are at home, so can do all the house work - which is obviously nonsense. Why can he not batch cook at weekends and freeze meals to help out? Does he load the dishwasher, put laundry on, tidy your bedroom, etc? I have a very demanding job and am the one out of the house all day. I also have chronic illnesses that involve pain and fatigue - but those are things that I can manage. He needs to help out more.

As for the emotional side, I would say this is verging on abusive behaviour. To treat you constantly as though you are not good enough; don’t do enough; belittle the work you do do; not feel like he needs to meet your needs or listen to you; and then accuse you of nagging - this is all quite emotionally abusive. I would try and get some time away at a weekend (whether he agrees or not) and get some head space to think about this in.

Solutions - hire a cleaner/house person to take some of the slack. You are both working full time and parenting kids under 5 is another full time job. You need outside help. If you were both out of the house every day, you would probably have come to this conclusion already. You are not at home in the day - you are at work. Hire help.

Replies:

I’m not the only mum who works full time but other Dads work full time too and also help with housework/don’t expect their wife to be their housekeeper and maid! so either hire one and pay them to do it, help out or shut up!

Or when he complains about clothes ‘oh did the washing machine not load itself, switch itself on and put the stuff to dry again? Maybe it was busy working and looking after the kids!

Even if you were a SAHP, it's unreasonable of him to expect you to do every household chore seven days a week. No partnership works like that, with one person able to indulge themselves after work and the other basically their slave. But you are in full time paid employment!

Why is his approval so important to you that you are risking being fired from your job trying to please him as a domestic servant? He'll never be happy with anything you do for him. You are risking your health and livelihood pandering to him when he won't wash a spoon after himself. When did you agree to that?

He belittles you and calls you names when you try to discuss how unsustainable your workload is. He refuses counselling. He's really left you no option but to leave.

If you can't leave him for yourself, do it for your kids.

How long until he's berating and belittling them? Dismissing their feelings?

Also they will end up in similar relationships, seeing this as normal and acceptable.

get a cleaner monday and friday so its done for the weekend and after

@doyoulikeflowers I read your updates very quickly and haven’t read many of the posts from people.

I imagine you were always a very driven person, is that right? Hence that logical voice vs deep down.

Are you able to take some headspace and just think. Cliche but if you only had another year to live how would you want to spend it?

I personally think it is ‘weaker’ not to take a step back and I’m aiming this at your husband. You don’t have the luxury of fully focusing on just one job. He does.

He wants to build something but he is destroying something else along the way. That is weak.

How old will you be when the empire is build?

You can actually say f…k that. What’s the point. I work hard enough. I don’t care what anyone says or thinks. I don’t care if I’m supposed to have an edge over others and be able to do all these things. I simply don’t want to because I’m smart enough to know if I’m burning out it’s time for reset!!!! And so I won’t!!! I don’t care what you H think. I’d love if you come on the journey with me but that is your choice.

I imagine financially you would still have lovely life even if you take it easier.

Can you find it in yiu to say I don’t care what you say because actually in reality it’s all on you.

It might be mundane to do school runs, tidy up house etc and therefore he doesn’t see it as that taxing. But I bet he doesn’t do any of his admin in his job or any of the mundane aspects the role (what ever the role is) that will be done by lower level staff but still needs doing otherwise his job would effectively not exist (e.g. the company wouldn’t be successful, exist….)

OP I feel like I need to talk to you. We might be married to the same man, except he spends so much time having lie ins he can't possibly be sustaining two families. I haven't read any of the responses, just your posts. I also had a great cleaning lady and two kids and I wasn't even working and I felt like this. I can't even imagine with the work as well! Clearly what you need is a wife (ha) but could you get a nanny. No-one expects a man to do a 6 figure job and also deal with vom and meal plan. You don't necessarily have adhd, you just have too much responsibility. Truly, no-one could cope with this. You are not a failure.

Also I have been in this position where no matter what amazing things I did or achieved if the kitchen wasn't tidy when he got home, or there were toys out in the lounge then he was icy cold because "it's hard for him to come home to a messy house". I felt like the tidiness of the house was my only metric for success or value. Its a lie. I have value even if I'm sitting on my bum eating a chocolate biscuit and so do you.

I also felt like he was my boss and I was a failing employee about to get a poor appraisal. I felt like that for years. It took 10 years of that for me to ask to leave. He did not respond well to that but eventually agreed to do counselling because he preferred that to letting me leave. He never really understood how it was for me. I have to accept that he never will. He doesn't even remember most of it. He does do a bit more round the house and with the kids now, and they're older so it does get easier. I got a job in an office which I love. I still want to leave.

I just wanted to say. You're not crazy. You're not hopeless. You're not a failure. Most people with two tinies aren't doing a full meal plan and staying on top of all that. By any measure you are just overloaded.

Also this: he is sabotaging your career. You will need your independent income if you leave him. He is trashing your life. You will find it all easier without him but it'll be a shame if he's destroyed your earning capacity first.

You are a clever and successful woman in the trenches with little kids and it's is HARD. You are brilliant but you need support. A full time nanny, or a divorce, or maybe both.

Good luck.

Just to add.
if you decide to divorce him. He will get part custody of the children (if he fights for them) this means at least one day a week or fortnight he will have sole parenting responsibility of the children. This means you get a day off. A you day. A catch up with friends or housework day. A day to catch up on sleep. He will also have to pay you maintenance for the children as Indoubt from what you’ve said he will fight for 50/50 custody as that would mean he would have to take time off work if they are sick etc. you will likely keep the house as it thes children’s home and you will be the full time parent and he would have to pay you maintenance to be decided based on how much more of your time is responsible for the children rather than his.

A good solicitor could possibly award you part of his pension too, or could instruct sale of the house with you getting the majority share. It’s not all doom and gloom being a single parent. You get to doubly love on your kids and you get to be their biggest influence and with no one nagging you, who cares if the washing doesn’t get done one day or there is a few plates in the washing up from dinner.

Speak to your Gp. They are trained to recognise abuse. They will also assess you for pnd which can happen anytime in the newborn to 2years old period. I don’t think you have pnd, I think you may have situational sadness which will be resolved when your situation is (but it’s my opinion and I’m not medical at all).

best of luck OP c

@doyoulikeflowers I’m also going to add. You said yourself you feel like his employee.

Currently you work for a shit company.

When I was young I worked with sales people in a junior role and they always made us feel like we don’t work hard enough. But it was really shit environment. Since then I worked much harder and much more focused but in much better environments. I always look back at that time thinking how young and stupid I was. There was bullying going on and even the big boss said it’s the tough people who make it. Until I took them to HR and they all started shitting themselves.

@doyoulikeflowers sorry, last re-quote of myself.

I meant to say, I knew when going through HR they will try to play the weak, young girl, can’t handle it card. I prepped for that, warned them not to even try to bring that up, said things are not working for me, I know my rights and there is too much evidence not in their favour.

Just find it in you to realise that if you are suffering you are doing more than enough

I note also that YOU are paying out of your fucking salary to make up for what HE should be helping with.

How does he explain that away Op?

It's ridiculous tbh. We shouldn't do it like this. But I'm sure if I bring it up, he'll again just blame me for not budgeting money well etc.

I'm honestly about to have a breakdown today. I just can't do this anymore. I got a few hours of work in today but was so distracted.

I have a life coach and I spoke to her about things today and we agreed that I should not make any drastic decisions while I'm in this state.

We decided that if I need to find a housekeeper to help, every week day for 3 hours. To do cleaning, ironing, help me prepare meals, maybe cooking. Help me put the kids to bed etc. that way I could stop spending money on outsourcing ironing and also I could spend less money on food shopping if someone helped me keep on top of cooking etc.

I don't know how easy it would be to find someone willing to help in those areas, but I can give it a try.

We agreed with my coach that once I am stronger and healthier, I will be in a completely different position to look at my life and make any decisions I make from a place of just being in a better place.

I feel good about how we've decided to approach this. I feel like I'm really struggling physically now. I have a fever again, I'm so tired. Just so extremely run down from lack of sleep and stress. I'm also just feeling really anxious and also sad.

My son is getting over his last bout of illness, thankfully, which is great. My daughter is OK too right now. Last night I slept a little bit more. But even when the kids don't wake me up, I do suffer from insomnia, which I always have.

Anyway thanks for all your comments. I will keep this thread and keep re- reading things. I appreciate the time everyone has spent on talking to me. You don't even know me and are trying to help me. That's really kind.

So is the cleaner for about 5 hours a week -£20 per hour? Could you get 3 hours twice a week? To do more of the surface stuff that is getting you down, and less of a deep clean?

if your husband earns shedloads and you’ve got a huge house (which 5 hour cleaner would suggest) why not get a live in nanny housekeeper for a couple of years - my boss has this set up and it sounds amazing (I could only dream!)

I'm also considering taking the rest of the week off work. It's just too much pressure at work at the moment. It makes me feel so rubbish. I know I need to try and keep this job, but my work environment is absolutely toxic at this company and I feel so crap every day there too.

I just can't face the rest of the week. I can't face anything. I just want to stay in bed and hide and recharge.

He’s absolutely right, you’re not the only working mother. And as another working mother I can assure you there are occasions where it is just not possible to get everything done. And that just has to be ok! Having sick kids, especially of nursery age, and having to juggle that with a full time job, with very little sleep, something has to slip. And you can either stop working or stop the housework. You can’t do everything! You just can’t! I have a friend who stays up to past midnight to ensure the house is perfect. And she suffers from depression! I’m not prepared to do this and I am not surprised you are the same. You need to balance. Good luck xxx

@Lorralorr the reason it costs so much is because I pay for two people to clean for 3 hours. So I pay for 6 hours essentially. They do a good job and don't say no to stuff like cleaning the fridge, oven, bins. Sometimes they rip up Amazon boxes for me. They change the sheets. They tidy if necessary. I contacted some other cleaners who ' just clean ' and that wouldn't work for me at the moment.

Yes, do it - take time out and recharge your batteries. I honestly wish I could come around to your house, give you a hug and send you to bed. I'd wait up for your DH and tell him he's a pompous, selfish arse who doesn't deserve you or his children. Be kind to yourself. x

@NotTheMrMenAgain

Brilliant post and this bit stood out..

"Because I guarantee that even if you gave up work to become a perfect 50’s housewife then he’d instantly change his story and you’d be criticised for not having a career and being a financial burden."

That's exactly what would happen.