You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

@doyoulikeflowers Also please if its safe to do so get copies of everything you can relating to finances, his payslips, bank statements, credit cards, incomings and outgoings, I suspect financial abuse, plus being a tight fisted sod, I wouldn't put it past him to start hiding money and pleading poverty to avoid paying maintenance the moment you leave him.

Also op please read this https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

Some times it takes the breaking down for certain men to face up to reality. I hope you are able to sleep a bit better tonight having got to this stage. You can do this . . .you are already stepping in the right direction.

It is just so sad that you are feeling supported because this big fucking hero says he will do his own laundry. Op, he’s still doing abso-fucking-lutely nothing for you, or for his kids. Just washing his own stinky socks.

He's really done a number on you hasn't he...
??

You do realise this is abuse..?? He's treating you like crap.

Every single time he says... This place is a tip...or any other such statements counter with... Yes.... What you going to do about it? . I've already done more than my fair share..and keep doing broken record technique.

If you're not frightened physically of him... Risk his displeasure... Let him rant and rave .stand firm... By not countering stuff he's getting away with it more...

Do you really want this to be your life for the next 30, 20,10 years?? ... I couldn't and wouldn't cope with him for a week!

Such selfishness and disrespect

I wouldn't agree to do any counselling with him.. He may well agree if he feels you slipping away ... Any decent counsellor wouldn't do couple work with abusive men...

Threads like this are always so so sad. We can all see what is going on. When I was in the op’s position it did actually take posting on MN many moons ago to make me even BEGIN to entertain the idea that I was being abused. I was so grateful for any crumbs I was thrown- just as the op is now. We can all see this is grade A abuse-but she cannot yet. I hope in time that she will. But we all know how clever these men are when they sense they are losing their prey.

Can he not take over doing the laundry at the weekends, and/or a bit of batch cooking? For general tidying divide up the house by room and each do half an hour a day in the eves so that all the rooms are covered over the week. Could the cleaner come twice a week?

How would you split the finances, can you advise ?

I was thinking he should work out how much he has left from his pay after he's paid all bills etc and if it's say, one third of the salary- then I should also be left with one third of my salary after I've paid my portion of the bills and expenses ?

Or how can I do it so I don't keep blowing all my money?

I actually think getting a house keeper 2-3 hours a day may well cost me less than the weekly cleaning and ironing I do now and also all the Deliveroo shopping. We could do 1 big weekly shop and then the housekeeper could make sure it's actually cooked every day ( and we can also batch cook at the weekend ). I think I would save a lot of money that way.

In my mind in a marriage you are both left with the same amount. If your one third leaves you with 200 pounds and his leaves him with 2000, that's not fair. You should be agreeing what goes into joint savings and the same amount of fun money left over after all the bills are paid.

Part of one of the many problems is that you’re not paying for enough help - I’d abandon goals of saving money, you need to focus on quality of life for all of you for the next two to three years.

you need to be clear about this or it’s just going to be another round of discontent. Eat fresh home cooked food because it’s better for your bodies.

It is much easier to save money when your life is easier and your health is better.

Yes, we share all money and have the same amount each to spend on stuff for us.

All money in one pot and then a small amount to each of you for fun.

you can afford proper help, get reading The Lady for a housekeeper who will do most of what you are currently paying piecemeal for.

you earn 1/3rd and him 2/3rd, I think, from reading your posts. At this point proportionally splitting bills isn’t fair, you are in the hard trenches with kids and work and home and your own ill health. He needs to step up, or ship out and have the kids EOW and pay the CMS contributions and then some.

remind him even the Prime Minister empties his own dishwasher , just heard him on Radio 4 discussing this with his wife, who also empties the dishwasher and out earns Rishi by a massive factor.

Hi OP

It’s good to read that your DH has been empathic this time. That’s good.

Please please be kinder to yourself. You are holding down a career that brings in six figures, you are working full time, you are raising two young children, you have health issues - that is enough. On its own. If you did no housework you’d still be a legend. Get your coach to help you talk more kindly to yourself. You are doing your best.

How your DH speaks to you is disgusting at times. Don’t tolerate that.

If you can find the time read ‘Fair Play’ by Eve Rodesky - or just watch the video. Look up ‘mental load’ and ‘emotional labour’ - you are doing it all. There is no wonder you are exhausted.

Good luck. 💐

Having thought more about your situation the 'pot' and the 'joint savings' would be theoretical to ensure you still have access to your salary if you need to leave. So in your case the 'pot' is the field on your spreadsheet where you put all the money together before you budget, rather an actual joint account for your salary. And joint savings could mean the same amount each in two savings accounts.
While Plan A might be to save the marriage, Plan B of leaving still has to be available.

OP, May I suggest that you don't make any big decisions whilst your children are so unwell, you are sleep-deprived, concerned about work etc. Get some help in, focus on your work and getting your contract renewed and then, breath, and re-read this thread. I think the answer will be obvious to you then and hopefully you will have the energy and focus to take the necessary action.

I'd make sure the house keeper sort the kids' meals and even bath them so they are taken care of and eat well as a piority. I would think at least 3 hours a day if you want her/him to do all the cleaning and cook for you & DH as well. Looking back, it was such a good arrangement my mum made, Mr K was a really good cook too (better than my mum)!

H scoffed a bit at my suggestion to get a housekeeper.

I think he thinks it's a waste of money and only for the mega rich.

His parents really pride themselves that they never wasted money on help like cleaners and gardeners etc. they say that's how they became wealthy. His mum also worked on and off, albeit in the family business, so she couldn't get fired etc. she worked around school / nursery times of the children etc. so slightly different to me, but they always mention it to me that they didn't and don't waste money on stuff like that and always saved etc.

Even though they know I have cleaners and I use an ironing service etc. I don't think they give me any credit for what I have on my plate.

The only person who gives me credit for it is my mum, for everyone else, it's just normal and expected what I do. And in fact, they probably judge me for doing it badly.

No one is judging you. Where two parents work full time in jobs such as yours there is usually a Nanny at the very least. They either bring in help like you want to or they split the load fairly.

your mil didn’t work full time either.

I think you do need to work out if pooling finances (the whole who pays for what th8ng just doesn’t work). Not necessarily everything but each pay 2/3 into a joint about that everyth8ng comes out of might be a good starting point
then split chores work out what needs to be done
if he won’t you have your answer abd a supportive mum

but it is also v telling he has already started on your daughter

Working on and off for the family business around school/nursery hours is MASSIVELY different to what you are doing. Please don’t forget this 💕.

“fine then, I'll do my own laundry, if it's such a big deal for you”
He is saying to you that doing his laundry shouldn’t be a big deal, it should be easy for you, you are making it a big deal. If that’s the case then surely it will be easy for him to do all these things himself, if they are so easy? Tell him that since none of these jobs should be such a big deal - he is now responsible for all his own washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning up after himself. Honestly go on strike - don’t pick up or tidy up anything that he has left, his pants on the floor, the wrapper he left on the table, his dirty plate on the side, his shoes he left by the front door. Just tidy up after yourself and the kids but leave every bit of mess he has left. Wait for him to dare comment that the house is starting to look a bit messy and point out that every single item of mess was caused by him. It’s not a big deal is it - he can clean it all up himself, it’s so easy for you to tidy up after yourself and the kids too, on top of working full-time, why is he making such a big deal of it?!

Don't do any housework when he's not there (other than dishes I guess). On the weekend say, "we need to start sorting out the house" and see what he says. It's a thing you do together and if he can't /won't he needs to reduce his hours or provide a solution.

You should both be left with the same amount of money to spend or save on yourself once everything for the household and kids has been paid. Not a percentage of your salary.

I do hope that you will one day see how he is abusing you financially and emotionally and get out of this marriage. He is coercively controlling you. This is now illegal, an offence.

As for the financial spilt if / when you divorce. 50/50 is a starting point for money regardless of who has earned this. You will need a forensic accountant and a shit hot lawyer.

Save a little money immediately by not paying for someone to iron your husband’s shirts. Just get your clothes and your children’s clothes ironed. He can sort his own ironing himself, whatever way he wants.

Throw everything back at him when he complains as other posters have suggested, when he complains about a mess or whatever, suggest he tidies.

Doesn’t want a housekeeper - ask, what he’s going to do to keep the house to the standard you want? Ignore any rants from him and don’t engage other than to suggest he cleans/tidied/whatever.

Let him see that you’re not putting up with his crap any more and are not going to be intimidated by him any more. Just do what you can do and remind yourself continually that you are not responsible for another adult’s meals, cleaning, ironing, etc. Don’t engage when he rants other than a short sentence to the lines of, do it yourself and then walk away.

@doyoulikeflowers why do you care so much about your in laws’ opinions? You’ve pointed out (and I hope also to your dh) that his DM worked less, so of course paid for less help. Times change.

your dh doesn’t seem to want a DW who SAH or works part time like his mum so they have no does what’s required. Their opinions aren’t valid.

frankly you’re trying to hold down difficult jobs on the cheap and disadvantaging your kids. you need to stop listening to the people that criticise and don’t help and aren’t making any of you happy.

Get a cleaner.

@doyoulikeflowers he's scoffing at the idea of a housekeeper because he thinks you're the housekeeper. So he thinks it's a waste of money because he thinks he's doubling up on the role.

I'm a single parent. I have a nice flat and a robot hoover. Everything that needs to be done for me and DD is done by me. Since the day my ex walked out I have woken every day to a clean and tidy kitchen. Why? Because once it's clean it stays clean. No one messing it up and then shouting that the place is a shithole. I am pulling my own weight, I'm not dragging someone else's weight alongside my own whilst they berate me for the fact I'm struggling.

It's not easy though, I've posted previously on your thread to say I don't think it's possible to make a man like this step up, so you will always carry more than your share of the burden as he thinks the care of your joint children is entirely your responsibility. When DD was younger I ran on empty a lot of the time but things are better now and I will never, ever, live with a man again.