You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

So what you have here is a grade A, super-annuated A**hole. What a git!

The more you do, the more he expects.

Do NOT give up your job! Do NOT reduce your hours! It is your independence, your self-esteem, your job is every bit as important as his, to you and the whole family. And as a role model to your kids.

You both need a holiday, and probably some long honest conversations - can your relationship survive his lack of engagement in parenting and domestic life?

It's up to him, isn't it. You CANNOT continue like this, you'll break down, no human can keep it up and stay sane.

I'm glad you wrote this here, as clearly you are about to make big changes, and this is the start. GO FOR IT

@doyoulikeflowers your husband is abusive. he really is and the longer you stay with him the worse you will feel about yourself. Your children will suffer and your relationship with your children will suffer and it will suffer for ever. It will never get better. It will get worse. leave.

OP I’m going to say this with the utmost love, respect and empathy even if it’s unpleasant to hear.

your husband doesn’t love you, it doesn’t sound like he even likes you. He doesn’t want a wife, he wants a full time housekeeper, nanny and PA that’s waiting for him every night begging to get on her knees for him in her finest lingerie. At least most men like him are willing to work full time to pay for this unreasonable request, your husband doesn't even expect to have to bring home the bacon in return.

I cannot believe in 2024 you are expected to pay out of YOUR own money to have a grown man’s shirts ironed for him because he will be upset if they’re not done. I would respond to his comment by reminding him that he is not the only man who works full time and he can’t even manage to keep his own clothes clean and ironed.

I absolutely abhor the idea that so many people have that because a man has a full time job, it is his wife’s responsibility to take care of every single domestic chore outside of that. Even if you were a SAHM it’s not your responsibility to make sure he is fed, clothed and has a clean home.

I’ve seen you mention several times that your husbands main priority in life is to earn as much money and be as successful as he can possibly be. This has NOTHING to do with being a father or a husband, he would want that for himself regardless. If you and your kids didn’t exist, he would still be working full time. Would he just walk around all day naked, driving an uninsured car and starving? No, he would just have to do all of the things you are doing for him now for himself or he would have to pay someone else to do it. It infuriates me that people think that any man with a full time job automatically deserves 100% of his free time to do whatever he pleases with once he has a wife. You are working full time, raising two children 24 hours a day and also still expected to handle 100% of the household chores and administration just so a man who works a couple of hours a day longer that the average work day can “relax” after work and on the weekends.

Your husband is a horrible, selfish misogynist and you are very clearly on the brink of a mental breakdown. You are also showing your children that it is normal for a woman to do 100% of the household labour, work full time and take care of the kids whilst the man just goes to work and comes home. You’re setting your daughter up to accept the same mistreatment as you and your son will expect the same luxury from his future partner. When he inevitably ends up divorced he will be just as confused as your husband because he won’t see what he did wrong because that’s what he saw growing up.

You need to leave this man. I would understand if you were likely to be financially struggling without him but the child support alone with his salary would be enough to live off comfortably, the fact you’re also a very, very high earner means I cannot understand why you’re not already gone.

I really hope you grow a back bone before you end up destroyed by this man.

Has he always expected you to be your skivvy?

Firstly, let me just say your husband is an idiot for not understanding and being more supportive. Now after reading all your posts what you need is some help. I am sorry to say but you sound terribly dis-organised and like you are wasting a lot of money and food by your lack of planning.

I have a friend who is a doctor and is married to a doctor. They have 3 kids under 6, and live in a huge 5 bedroom (1 mil+ value) up north so tons of space but more to clean. She has a cleaner/housekeeper 3 times a week. The place was like a tip initially but I have been helping her get more organised. Even with a cleaner 3 times a week her house got messy, the reason was not doing things then and there. So if someone spills something clean it then, no procrastination. Have fixed places for things such as coats, shoes etc. Teach kids to tidy their toys at the end of the day and put in boxes etc. Also I helped her set up a schedule of activities to follow so she could check her list and complete things due that day such as dishwasher, laundry etc. Also I made her delegate some jobs to her hubby. By helping her plan her food for the week and book an online shop, I helped her save time and bring her food cost down. Also instead of just a cleaner, look for a mother’s help or housekeeper so they can help with any odd thing around the house including helping with the kids so you can work when they are ill. Doesn’t have to be daily but a few days a week.

You earn a good salary so you need to be able to enjoy it and also find time to relax. Some of us are good at planning and executing, others need help. No harm in asking for help, even if you pay someone to help you organise your self it will be cheaper than the amount you currently spend on cleaners, food shop, online food orders etc. Good luck!

He doesn't respect you at all does he? Your absolute exhaustion is so clear from your posts. Something has to give. But I feel that if you tried to discuss this with him, it would be all your fault. You and your life, will never count for anything with this man.

was going to suggest an extra cleaner day with laundry and ask what mess he complains about. if kiddy toys he can help foe 15 to 30 after work. but based on your updates, he's just a douche bag. You could lick the floor clean and he will still complain and not help. Time for a come-to-Jesus discussion. You may have to split op. He us abusive

If you divorce him OP then you will also get every other weekend off (I am presuming that he won’t want to be a 50/50% parent!)

So, time to sleep and get on top of life a little.

Or, like far too many men, he may choose not to see the kids at all and there would be nothing the OP could do about it.

Complaining without possible solutions will usually make the other person feel they're being nagged. Figure out what you need the most help with. Do you need weekly cleans with a housekeeper who will do laundry? Do you need a laundry service? Do you need to be more organised with meals? What do you need most ?

This is true. It depends on how he wants other people to view him though.

The other option is that he will quickly get himself a new girlfriend and insert her in a “step-mum” role, so that he still doesn’t have to do a thing but can still play at the whole “family man” image when it suits him <experience with divorcing a similar type of man 🙈>

Not sure if someone else has said this already, but have you considered and au pair or nanny to live with you that could help with washing, etc. too? Could you justify the cost if removing everything else?

We both work FT and it’s hard - even with my DH working less hours than yours and he WFH 1 day/week; I WFH FT. 1 DC in school / wraparound. You have my sympathy!

Cleaner comes once a week, the list of ‘not done’ jobs is long(!) but my biggest win has been food; we have a 4 week meal plan, with 4 corresponding shopping lists, shared on Google keep. It has some built in slippage for takeaways etc but it means we have the basic meals covered every week, either of us can shop (in store or online), and there’s no weekly mental load of meal planning and writing a shopping list! Because it’s 4 weeks it’s not too repetitive. We also have a ninja multicooker (airfryer / pressure cooker / slow cooker etc) and the meal plan is heavily biased towards things that can be chucked in there and ignored.
I also tend to prep two of the same meal at once as I find it doesn’t take much longer than prepping one; cooking one and the other goes in a giant ikea sandwich bag in the freezer for next time round (shopping lists reflect buying some things alternate months).
DS is only 5 so we don’t all eat together in the week yet (timing!) so I tend to batch cook pasta sauce / cottage pie / etc and freeze them (little foil takeout trays for the win!) to offset him having a fish finger sandwich / hot dog / tortilla wrap pizza other days!
Obviously this still takes time, but it’s a lot less than the constant rounds of planning / lists / shopping off the top of your head / trying to invent a meal from random stuff. And it’s cheaper (might even pay for the cleaner’s second visit!). Happy to share the plan etc if helpful.

In addition to cleaner, we outsource laundry. It gets picked up and dropped off washed and folded once a week. £40 per week for our family of 4 (excluding shirts, which I get done separately, and excluding towels/sheets which we do at home).

Two parents working full-time professional jobs when the kids are under 5 is very, very hard, whichever way you cut it. I am in a similar position - full-time professional job, going to bed at 8 most nights as breastfeeding toddler wakes frequently, constantly exhausted. You just have to do what you can to get through.

He's being a dick, here's some flowers for you 💐

"Now after reading all your posts..."

You read all of the posts and all you can do is tell the OP to be more organised? Do you not realise that she could be the most organised person to ever live and her husband would still be a grade A twat?

If the situation is really as bad as you described, a trial separation might be in order. Make sure you get your finance straight and have a good idea of what his is like in case you go for a divorce. If you still want to give this marriage another shot, a live-in mother's help (one who would do housework as well as looking after the kids, nannies won't usually do housework) would solve a lot of the problems. Good ones are hard to find but they do exist, you might not end up spending any more than you are doing now. Good luck, OP!

yes!

Your husband is right you are not the only mum that works full time and as a mum that work full time myself I would reply him with a f* off. When children are off school and sick it is just about survival and not about tidying, I completely understand how you felling and how ungrateful he is.
If he found it untidy he can step in or be a tidy person himself.
I spend all lockdown WFH and keeping an eye on my 2 years old and some evenings I was that tired that I wasn't able even to eat.
Your husband has a massive lack of empathy, I would start to leave the ironing for him, he can do it on the weekends. If you got time to do it all I'm pretty sure he can find at least a few hours a week to make a difference.
How ungrateful he is!

Why are you responsible for all household chores while working full time? Only do yours and your children's laundry and tidying. Develop a thick skin when he complains about missing socks/clothes not put away and respond with..as an adult you are responsible for your own washing/drying/ironing. If he chooses to bag it and drop it off somewhere for cleaning then that's his choice. He has no idea how much you're doing as he isn't used to doing anything.

Leave his dishes in the sink, when he complains, state clearly that you didn't use those dishes and they should be placed directly in the dishwasher. It sounds petty but you need to stand up for yourself. The house is a shithole, as he describes it, because a busy family live there and he isn't pulling his weight.

Would it help to ask the cleaners to do 2 hours twice a week? Split the tasks up fortnightly like fridge cleaning, cupboard cleaning etc. When your child is feeling better and back in nursery there will be less mess but it won't fix your husband.

If he is not happy with the basic meals you prepare then suggest he learn to cook. Make a weekly menu and stick to it, boring but manageable 30 min prep dinners. Start leaving the kids with him at weekends, go to the cinema, park, sit in the car but leave him to it.

I left the father of my older children who continuously complained that the house was a shithole but didn't lift a finger. We both worked full time and I could see a bleak future ahead. I took my two sons and rented a new home. There are other choices than putting up with his complaints and criticisms.

Start small and just say no, that's not my responsibility. Let him complain, walk off and disregard. You do not have to listen to him and what he says is not true.

Regarding the cupboards place all dry goods in zip lock bags or try an insect fogger I think they're called. You can buy them in pet stores and they should kill anything hiding in crevices.

You can't be everything to everybody, you are a mother and an employee, that's enough for now. Tell him when you feel appreciated and loved you may feel like being intimate again. He needs to step up.
Goodluck!

@MothralovesGojira First day on this group. So just went off her post from today. Didn’t mean to offend the OP or you. Was just giving some advice like many others. I’ll apologise to her now also.

OP, if you're up half the night with sick kids, it's no wonder you can't get anything done and need to be in bed at 8pm. Plus are you sure you haven't got/getting over the virus thing too? It would be surprising if you hadn't caught it at some stage of all this.

You have a lot of posts, so I may have missed something, but do you have any family you could decamp to with kids? If your parents or someone might be prepared to actually help as opposed to DH who is mostly hindering, you might be able to stay more on top of things, and he can look after himself. And it might give you the space to work out if he's actually adding anything whatsoever to your life except stress.

@Sunnydays0101 No. I haven’t. Only joined this group this morning so was just giving my advice on this one particular issue. Didn’t mean to cause offence as like I say, I’ve only just joined and thought I’d try and give her some advice

@WFHmumof2 But this particular issue is now a few hundred posts long. You don't need to go to any other page or website to find out about this issue.
I am being a hypocrite here as I myself read the OP and gave advice without reading anything else, but that's what you need to do, is read the whole thread.

@doyoulikeflowers I’ve been told off for my post/advice by 2 members. Apparently you have posted a few times on here and as someone who has only joined the group today I’m sorry, I didn’t realise there was more to this than just this one post.
I hope I didn’t offend you and I’m sorry you’re not feeling supported at home xx