You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

You don't need his permission to feel as you do about the way he treats you. He will never understand or agree what he is doing to you be he KNOWS. He's enjoying making you feel shit and he feels frustrated as he can't make you have sex with him. Can he?

Yes, I also think the help you are paying for is too little and too poor quality - and that’s all down to his bad expectations. We paid for a lot more help than that.

I don’t know about your dh, on the face of it he sounds awful and you should run, but only you know if he’s capable of any change and how much of this is that you’re both in a pitched battle in every conversation because of where things have gotten to.

Organisation is key. I have 5 kids under 10 and 2 are special needs. I work part time from home and my husband does very little (in terms of house work, he works very hard otherwise and is great with the kids). I haven't slept a full night in 6.5 years and I don't have a cleaner. It is possible, you just need to find solutions that work for you, and your husband needs to keep his mouth shut if he isn't going to pitch in. My husband wouldn't dream of complaining when things go astray in our house because he knows I work damn hard.

Yes, my husband and I both work full time as many other couples do, and he does half the work. If he is not doing 50% of the work he does not get to have an opinion on how much of it you do.

This is one of the saddest things i have read.
Nothing the op has said gives me hope for this relationship and i am just not convinced op can quite see it as she is still sometime blaming herself .
He is 100 % a misogynistic shit and there is nothing the OP can do that will improve as he will continue to find ways to insult and emotionally abuse her. paying for more help will only prolong this untenable marriage and mean op is more out of pocket.
i really hope OP can realise that her life doesn’t need to be this miserable Xx

Lots of very valid advice here on how to organise your household. But for me You need couples therapy / counselling.

The house must be clean when you have cleaners, fair enough its untidy, whose house with kids isn't, laundry piles up in every house.

The problem is that the house isn't calm, your not happy, his not happy. You could jump through hoops and be the next step-ford wife and it still wouldn't solve the problem. He sees your communication as a nag....and you see his communication as dismissive.

Go to counselling and get a professional to help you through this.

Best of luck.

@chaos76 I am so glad you included the last line about the running-away fund - I nearly missed it!

But in the main, I think your suggestions for ways to lighten the load are good (though I think OP's already doing some of them). If she leaves, it won't be tomorrow, especially if waiting to hear what's happening with her job, and she has to continue getting by in the meantime, difficult though that's likely to be.

Tell him you did get one thing wrong. You married him.

please leave. It is ruining your children's childhood. They'll know what daddy really thinks of them as well as you.

Please leave him. I’m so worried for your safety and the kids. You don’t deserve this. Why does this stupid man think he’s better than you? You pushed two kids out, look after them, look after the house AND work a full time job? He only does one of those things and thinks HES better than YOU?! You deserve so much more. The kids deserve a happy mother - a role model. They deserve you standing up for all of your best interests. Please believe this.

OMG this is awful.
I always worked FT with our one DS but keeping on top of housework takes two working parents.

Imagine how easy it would be if you didn't have to clean up after him like a maid? Have you ever assessed how much work he creates for you?

Maybe not now, but you'll end up divorcing him. He sounds exactly like my sister's ex. He worked all hours (well, not all as he was doing quite a bit of shagging on the side) and so did she in a very emotionally tough job. And yet if she earned millions, it wouldn't have ever been enough.

Sadly as much of a cunt that he was while he was her husband, he got far worse when she had the audacity to leave him so if you get to that point, please plan any exit and financial split very carefully because he could well make it his life's work to claw anything the courts make him hand over penny by penny just to be petty.

Hold off on making any big proclamations about the future until the children are well again. Poorly little children are exhausting and not getting a good nights sleep isn’t helping either of you.

Just because your husband has a job that takes him out of the home for along periods of time dosn't mean he can absolve himself of domestic work. You both have full time jobs and should be contributing to housework and childcare proportionally. Keep your full time wfh role if you can, it’s important for pensions, career development etc. and good wfh jobs arn’t things to be given up lightly.

But, and I don’t mean this harshly, if you have a cleaner and you are both capable adults, I don’t really see why the house is a tip in the normal run of things when children are well.

Also, as someone who works from home full time too, you do have pockets of time in the day to do bits and pieces. It’s a joint responsibility but break down the tasks that need to be done and it should feel less overwhelming.

NONE OF THIS IS ABOUT BEING BETTER OR MORE ORGANISED.

It's about your abusive prick of a husband who has contempt for you and all women and will never, never change.

(I'm so depressed by all the women on here who don't fucking get this. Twenty years ago we were beyond this already - things have gone backwards for feminism.)

10000%. Suggesting a better cleaner or a nanny is putting a plaster over a gaping wound. It's pointless when the foundation of the relationship is abusive and manipulative.

You are blaming yourself for how he is with you. It is not your fault.
He can say anything he likes about you. you don't have to accept it.
You are not holding him back in his career there is no progression as everyone can see what a bully he is.
His shirts, his dinner, his fucking socks stop doing it. Leave it to him.
He has no reason to change. He has his fun bullying you. Take the responsibility back and change yourself. Take away his fun.
If you were with a lovely, loving, supportive kind, wonderful man you'd be having all the sex as wouldn't care about the wobbly bits.

Only you can change your life. You don't need his permission.

Your only true, realistic and safe option is to leave.

Not at all. I don’t believe any of what you have said. I am in my late 40’s but married quite young. I grew up where my mum was in charge and in our house now I guess looking in you would say I was ‘in charge’ if you had to choose one of us.
I certainly don’t bow to a mans needs. Never have and never will.
If a man OR woman has an important job working / out of the house 12 hours a day then yes, they get to opt out of home life mostly. During the week at at any rate. How would it be any different.
If thats the case then the other partner needs to take control of the house and kids.
There is nothing wrong with that, if it’s what both partners want- I’m sick of being told there is something ‘wrong’ if a husband earns the money and the wife cares for the kids. If you both agree then there is nothing wrong with that at all.
The trouble here is the OP’s husband is hurtful. Uncaring. Unkind. Thoughtless to her feelings. Selfish.
If he’s like this because of some reason - stress, pent up feelings from his side that we haven’t heard about then that’s one thing.
If he’s just like this because he’s a nasty spiteful person then there is no hope really for a happy marriage.
I was trying to play devils advocate for the husband but
Some of the later comments from OP just get worse and worse. Esp the sex one. I have to say, there would have to be some major ground breaking changes to his attitude / communication / values and kindness towards me and soon.

This sounds very judgemental and I don’t intend it to be. But nowhere in your posts do I read anything about enjoying spending time with the kids. You only seem to mention them in terms of the broken sleep and work and responsibility involved, e.g. “stuck at home sitting with the kids.”

I’m honestly not intending this as a criticism of you - it just seems to me like your situation and lack of support from your husband has sucked a lot of the joy out of parenthood for you.

I know the baby/toddler years are hard but for most people they also bring so much pleasure as well. I feel sad for you that you don’t seem to have been able to have that. And as for your husband does he have any interest in his children at all? If “empire-building” is his main priority, fine, but that’s not compatible with being a parent IMO.

I know being a stay at home parent isn’t for everyone but if you and your husband are in such high earning professions that you are on 6 figures and he is on twice that then there is no need for you to both be working full-time.

My DH and I (on something like a 6th of your salary) both went part-time when our DC was born so we would have that time with them and not be so reliant on the nursery. It brought its own issues of course and money was very tight but we were both so aware that we would never get that time back.

It sounds like you want to stay together you urgently need to reduce your working hours or even be a SAHP for a while.
That won’t solve the problem of your husbands inadequacies though.

It really is ultimatum time. He is more supportive , stops belittling you and pulls his weight, clears up after himself and applies himself with good spirits to family life or you and kids are off. I mean it's as simple as that.

Get copies of all financial documents first, ideally copy statements of his pension and savings, stocks etc, then tell him to put up or shut up, HE is the one on a months trial . If he doesn't care , says no, or thinks you need to change , then make plans to go now. Tell him ok, shall we sell house, ? or who buys who out, ? Tell him you'll see a solicitor to sort out separation and maintenance.
You will be happier

Yes I think your comment is unfair.

We love our kids and we do enjoy them as well.

Just because I haven't written about that, doesn't mean it's not there and that we don't enjoy spending time with them.

This thread is so sad. This man is horrendous, he shows nothing but contempt for you, OP. It's so upsetting to see how you blame yourself and worry about what he'll say or think. You are struggling so much because you're carrying a massive load and your husband, who should be your number one supporter, is abusing you. Calling you hysterical and a psycho. You're exhausted and can't think straight, and he doesn't seem to give a shit about how you feel.

I hope you can reach a point where you stop caring about anything he thinks or says, and you can relieve him of all the burdens of not having a perfect wife-slave by leaving him!

Good luck, OP. You sound like you're being an incredible mother amongst all this x

@WhiteLily1
Thank you for finally seeing it as is.
I agree up to a point about sharing household tasks but if you work 12 hour days then you can't absolve yourself of family life even when you are bone tired. My DP (not the horrible exH) has always shared childcare/family life even when working long shifts as he believed it to be fair because he is a parent too.
Sadly the "she will fix it/sort it/do it" attitude still prevails today mainly because men see no reason to change and some women still believe that they are 100% responsible for their man's happiness and contentment.

This is such a sad thread and I really feel for you OP. I'm exhausted just reading about how your life is at the moment and your husband is definitely abusing you with his demands and insults.

You have too many plates spinning so the only solution is to drop some (I'd start with the husband but it sounds like you want to keep him).

What would he say if you gave him an ultimatum that unless he stops insulting you and starts helping around the house (eg even clearing up his own mess) you will leave him because he's making your life intolerable?

my kids are secondary and older primary now and one regret I do have is that so much of it was so hard, relentless - particularly the bugs/sleep deprivation/work stress cycle - that I wish I had more happy memories. Not that I didn’t enjoy it and I’m sure you do @doyoulikeflowers but that more of it was enjoyable than it was.

so yes, as much of life as possible needs to be enjoyable, you never know what is around the corner.

and this is the age at which you need to throw money at problems, when they’re small. So much easier when they’re older.

Lots of mothers work full time.

Plenty of evidence that they ARE NOT coping either.

This is what the OPs husband is blind to and beats his wife with a stick when she admits to this.

Something has to give. It's usually work in these situations. Notably not the husband sacrifice, because that's too much for him. Nope it's the dispensable and disposable woman who has to make the sacrifices and be flexible.

I understand and sorry if you think I was unfair. I didn’t doubt that you loved your kids and I’m glad that you personally are able to enjoy spending time with them.

My comments on your husband are based on what you yourself wrote about him and I’m sticking by those. If advancing at work and “empire building” (your words) is his main focus in life then his family isn’t.

Seems like you can't win. Sounds like you are a very capable woman and have tried to lessen the burden with house work, laundry and shopping. A few things in the threads:

1. Don't give up your job
2. Do your batch cooking once a month
3. Tend to your children and spend time with them. Be their positive parental role model!!
4. Yes- do fun things at the weekend with the children and leave him to his own devices
5. Get the cleaners to do the laundry (loading washing, doing it and unloading) .... you pay enough and your oven doesn't need cleaned every week
6. Get disposable plates! No washing up!!

and book some spa treatments for yourself and leave the children with him.

My husband gave up his job and I am the main source of income . Self Employed. I work sometimes from 8am to 3am the next morning. I abandoned the cooking, cleaning, ironing, food shopping and leave it all to him! I had enough of trying to do everything and nearly burnt out, have a hit the wall period, drank too much and stopped. It was hurting me and my child .. not him! I had to reprioritise .. me first. Children next .. him last.

Don't give up on you ... and get referred for some counselling. I am starting soon.