You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

I have a 6 month old who’s been ill for the past few days and very fussy. Yesterday (on his day off) my H did the laundry, changed the sheets, did the dishes, went to the shop and made me sandwiches when I told him I was hungry. He also looked after the baby whilst I took a long bath. Our DS hasn’t been well and has been very clingy and mostly wants me, so I held and cuddled him. At the end of the day my DH came to me, gave me a hug and a kiss and said I’m the best mum and he couldn’t do what I’m doing. Then he proceeded to work on his laptop after we went to bed.

Your life could be so much better without him. You need a partner, not another boss. There are good guys out there.

This

These years with young children are the most demanding physically and emotionally. Later years have their own challenges. I feel the exhaustion in your words and you are spending a lot of money on the issue.

As you said, a discussion is needed. You know something needs to change. I am guessing you are organising all the areas that you have brought help in. 1. when he makes a comment, try to not take it personally. He isn't taking it personally. 2. I find the best response is (for example) you are right and what would you like to do about it? 3. You are managing ironing, food deliveries and shopping and house cleaner. Perhaps looking to see if there is someone that can cook/clean/iron. You might find that having one person vs many easier? 4. Women are conditioned (IMO) to take fault when our home is not a certain way and we think we are not good enough. Learn to turn this around and come from this is good enough for now. when he makes the random comments do not take this personally (hard and necessary. this is self care and boundary work). And you could play the yes, and game. find 10% right with what he is saying and give a suggestion. ask him to do the same. it helps both feel heard. 5. Please don't give up your job. Push back as he may be higher earner and this is your work for you and your family.

Unless you are not in the UK, he will have enough annual leave that he can take some of that to get on top of household things, and stay home with sick children.
So many mums who are nurses, teachers, doctors, who take time off with sick kids but oh no, men who are teachers CAN'T POSSIBLY take time off.

I assume he isn't an airline pilot/long haul lorry driver that is away for days at a time from the timings. Even if he was then I imagine there are backup arrangements if the driver/pilot themselves is sick, if your leg is hanging off they have to find a replacement.

Why is it you outsourcing the ironing when I assume it's H's shirts? (and 200 a month, OK I know we live in the cheap North but we get a bag of ironing done for £20 and that would cover 20 shirts for a month).

I totally feel how overwhelmed you are by everything so I'm sending hugs. Your husband is an dick for the way he treats you but you might never be able to change this so change what you can control

First things first what is the most important thing you need to sort ?

I would say it is your health and well being so get to your GP and make an appointment for some therapy

As modern women we are to be expected to do it all and have it all this is unrealistic so drop all preconcieved ideas and see what you want for yourself and your family and marriage.

Could you ask your mum to come stay for a few weeks to give you a hand ?

She might be able to help you be yourself again

Make lists get a dish washer any thing that will help you cope check out https://www.dillycarter.co.uk/services

follow her on instagram too she has so many go tips and is just calming

If i can get the beds made dishes done and a load of washing done that a bonus day i too work from gome but dont have any littles ones any more

one tip I have is whilst the kettle is boiling I can unload the tumble dryer fill it again put on another wash and fold and sort them into who owns what and load it again i got the biggest drum for both of them its a god send.

Your husband might never change so you need to take control of your situation like its a project plan what you want to do and how.

Also if you are cooking make double and freeze it then you have next weeks dinner done.

Stop buying things you dont use but mix up the shopping now and again so you dont get bored and always do an online shop for the basics/staples

You can do this for you and the kids x

Then when you have your budgeting sorted start putting away you running away fund for when you are ready to go if the prick doesn't change

Your husband sounds completely unreasonable and detached from reality, but if you feel that you want your marriage to work then you will need to make time to talk all this through with him, maybe if you have parents who could take the kids for a few hours or if you could both take a day off while they are in childcare. There are things people have suggested that you could do so that you might be able to manage doing more at home (going part time, batch cooking at the weekend, using 'cook'/ready meals, paying for more cleaning services), but if your husband is dismissive of all your efforts and doesn't do anything to help, and is saving money and criticizing your budgeting when you are sorting all the food and cleaning, then your mental health, energy levels and marriage are not going to improve. You have plenty of sympathy from people here though if you conclude that there is no way to have a happy marriage with this man, and your life might be easier separated...

@doyoulikeflowers all the things you have said about him here, you need to say to his face. And you need to do it in a constructive way, this sounds like a busted communication problem, councillors and therapists are out there to facilitate all of this. Make it happen.

Your comment keeps playing on my mind.

What a shit response from him.

I just forgive him for too much.

He also said our daughter has an attitude because of me the other day. He says ' look at yourself, you're a psycho ' ' she's like that because of you '.

This was because I got angry that he said I had never cleaned the inside of our kitchen cupboards. Which is complete bullshit. We have these strange insects that keep appearing unfortunately. I cleared the cupboards out many times ( he never has ) and he had the audacity to tell me I've never done it. Now we just make sure no open food packets are in the cupboards and it's fine but I got really angry about the fact that yet again, I was being blamed for something that wasn't actually my fault.

So yes, I got angry with him. He doesn't listen to me. I've stopped myself the last few months in shouting / getting angry, to spare my children seeing that.

Scrap my advice. I always tell people to RTFT and I didn't.
Get your ducks in a row.
Leave. Maybe not to your parents (though I bet he wouldn't be bothered to complain if these massive inconveniences called "his children" were out of the way.)
Life will be easier with only two children instead of three, and he will hopefully have them some of the time to give you a break. He might discover where the hoover is as well.

Get someone to come twice a week, three times a week - whatever it takes and get them to do laundry at home. It makes all the difference.

You need someone to change the beds and wash all the linen too. You need more help. You work full-time, you need full-time help.

They can pick up groceries etc. Either you step up the help at home or you step down at work. You can't go on as you are.

Why it should all fall to you I don't know - but that's the patriarchal world we still live in.

@doyoulikeflowers my ex was like this. he worked so hard for ther family blah blah blah. never helped with the kids, expected everything to be cooked and washed and cleaned. I had 6 kids age 8 and under and he kept telling me I wasn't managing. He expected me to cook a full breakfast for him and the children every morning without fail- even when I had newborns to deal with- before I got all the kids to school. If I didn't do all of this he said it would be my fault that family would fall apart because I wasn't supporting him in order for him to be able to work . He was self employed and worked from home.

Even if you SAH, you wouldn’t get your DH’s respect unless he really changed his tune and you’d end up trying to win a gold medal in a job you didn’t want (SAHP) with a DH who doesn’t respect SAHP - he thinks you ought to be able
to do it all.

agree you do need to talk to each other, I don’t think it’s intractable (dh and I had very similar issues when our dc were small and often a period of illness pushes you to the edge), the small children years were full of conflict for us but you do both need to have a life you want to live and it doesn’t sound like you do.

Oh that's awful OP. It's all about him and his needs. It's very old-fashioned too.

He can do his own washing. DH works longer hours, yes longer hours than your DH and travels regularly too and does his own washing and cooks his own food. He shops on the weekend for food. No he hasn't been around much but he does what he can. He's never made me feel like I'm a psycho or losing it. He wasn't very supportive at the start it's true but he never glorified himself about earning all the money and paying for everything. Your DH sounds like a twat.

Your DH can get his arse in 2024 and man up frankly. What a dick. I don't like the sound of him at all.

Agree with PPs about chucking money at it. However, you have a DH problem that needs sorting regardless of what you do.

100%

I said to him the other day that if I didn't get my contract renewed I would take my time looking for the right role and I would have time to keep up with laundry and cooking etc more and also to look after myself more.

I don't recognise the woman looking back at me in the mirror anymore at all. I've aged so much. I look absolutely terrible - also weight gain. Not ideal but food is my only comfort at the moment. And of course my children.

He wants all this sex and I told him straight that whilst my body is how it is, I'll never feel up for it. I need to sort my body out.

Anyway so when I said, I would take my time and look for the right role and sort myself out and the house out in the meantime and have a bit more balance - he was like ' I want to fucking see what you're gona do '... like he doesn't believe I would do a better job if I had more time etc. that really upset me too.

I don't want to lose my job, but if I do, then I will damn well use that time to look after myself a bit more, until I find another job. I will reduce my little one's hours at nursery, BUT he'll still go 3 times a week. My H can fucking pay for it. I don't care.

@WhiteLily1 @AhNowTed

WhiteLily1 - your suggestions only work if OP's husband:
Is/was a team player - he is not
Did an equal share at the weekends - he does not
Treated the OP with understanding - he does not

You come across as an apologist for misogyny. Just because a man has a big important job doesn't mean he can choose to opt out of day to day home life. Your views and suggestions are simplistic and leave a bad taste - why should the OP give way more and more? She has already stated that her H's desires are to appear to be more successful than his peers/fellow dick swingers and that he feels that she is failing him by not being more compliant to his demands. Every time OP 'fails' at somewhat he sharpens his metaphorical stick in order to beat her mentally/emotionally some more. How is this right?
As you've been married for 25 years then I guess that you are in your 50/60's? I know a lot of women in this age group (I am mid 50's) that believe that we women only need to bend and acquiesce to our male overlords in order to create the male's desire for their own garden of Eden where us women bring in money, provide a perfect home environment and are instantly available for whatever is desired. I know this because my exH is one of these and his 2nd wife's life is an utter misery - luckily I completely failed at being a 'perfect wife' and I thank my lucky stars every day that I've not been married to him for the last 25 years.

OP, you’re never going to win this argument with him because you accept that you’re failing. You’re not failing, but you have enabled DH to be in this position. You should be working as a team. As it is, when he’s not at his important job he’s creating mess and not clearing it up. You need to be much more assertive and stop trying to ‘make him happy’.

Oh good god. I filtered to only read the OPs posts.

This man hates you. He belittles you, has no respect, empathy, love, affection, tolerance or understanding.

I haven't read a single thing that gives me hope for your relationship.

I've never said this before on MN - you should LTB.

Your life will be hard work (as it is now) but bliss without him. Think Nicole Kidman when she divorced Tom Cruise relief.

Please tell him he has one chance to stop being a really unpleasant person otherwise you're filing for divorce. Reading the above makes me want to just pick you and the kids up and say get the fuck away from him. HE WILL BOT CHANGE UNLESS FORCED TO AND EVEN THEN HE MAY NOT.

@doyoulikeflowers he doesn't have your back. I would say worse than that- he is actively making it as hard for yours he can. you do indeed have a husband problem. he is a tosser. he is just like my expand they don't change. He is contemptuous of you and in no ways sees you as a human being, just someone to service his needs and raise his kids.

Please leave. I am divorcing my h now and I realise I've never been truly heard. He might say I am but if they say nothing back and do nothing then they are so lacking in emotional intelligence that you and I are so much better off alone.

Well absolutely @doyoulikeflowers stop asking his permission or looking for his approval, work out what would make you happier and go after it. I’ve even had childcare help at weekends (and know other people that have) so i could have a morning off.

maybe you need to think about something like that, 3 days childcare in week, and half a day at weekend so you can do stuff together or he can work and you can do something that makes you happy.

maybe he needs to realise that he isn’t managing all this well - he’s not getting work done, he’s not getting sex, and none of you, not a single one, is happy.

maybe talking about feelings isn’t helping and you. We’d to both start making changes and seeing what helps.

oh OP. Your body isn't the problem here - your husband is. Who would want to have sex with this man? Even if you had the "perfect", sculpted, size 8 body, would you genuinely want to make love to this abusive piece of shit?

Reading your replies has been so difficult. Living the way you are being forced to must be even harder. I'm so so sorry. As other posters have said, you deserve so much better. You will never make him happy. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. This is NOT your fault - it's entirely his. You're not a failure. Hell, how can a failure keep up with a 6 figure job, 2 kids and manage to keep this man child alive? You're doing everything. You're everything to everyone. It's unfair. It's beyond unfair.

I know people have said leaving will not be easier. But genuinely, how long do you think you can live like this? I'd have already broken by now. You are stronger than you think. Please consider what you can do. You don't deserve to live like this.

Have you thought about a nanny/housekeeper two to three days a week instead of nursery? Our nanny was amazing, she wasn't there to clean etc but whenever the children were playing nicely or napping she would;
Put a wash on/hang washing/put it away
She always made the children's beds/changed their sheets
Tidied all their toys up
Did some ironing
Did any shopping required
Cooked and tidied up from cooking for the children
With 2 under school age it was akin to nursery prices and whilst it wasn't enough to cover the cleaning of the house, their rooms and toys were always sorted, clothes always washed and beds always clean plus there was no breakfast or evening meal for them to cook and tidy up from.
It might not work if you're wfh but I loved it when I worked full time.
Ultimately, you either throw masses of money at it or you cut hours/change jobs (you or your husband!)
We've done it every which way, both wft with a nanny, cleaners twice a week and an ironing lady and a gardener
Him working pt and me ft with a nanny two days for the rest and him cleaning and washing/cooking for us
Now I work part time, look after the house myself except for a cleaner once a fortnight and collect the children from school myself.
When you hit school age it's harder because school is demanding - pe kits, dress up days, homework, reading, show and tell - its a full time job in itself! So I'd also look at future proofing.
It's a joint problem though, if he's there to moan about the housework why isn't he just DOING IT. By the time he's had a whinge and a chat to you he could've put a wash on and ran the hoover round.

Sit down together and look at what hours can change, what jobs can be outsourced at what cost, how it'll work with school hours etc. Work out who is responsible for what and when it needs doing - he might not be aware of what you do actually do as well so work out exactly what the house requires and how BETWEEN YOU, you cover it either yourselves or financially. Unless he's living abroad for work then he needs to chip in, what would he do if he were a single dad for example? His work would be the same, so would he live in a hovel and never eat - no, he'd cook, do his washing and sort a cleaner as much as he needed. It's no different because you are there too, you're not his skivvy.