You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

@JaneFarrier I see. I scrolled through her responses and saw it. She suspects it. I’ve lived through the v v bitter experience of being married to one and nightmare is an understatement.

@doyoulikeflowers you need to not suspect it. Rule it out or confirm it. And you need to do it for yourself. Then move forward with a plan because the reality is that adhd really affects marriages. I’d go as far as saying that once resentment sets in with the non adhd spouse it’s difficult to shift.

If he came here and told his side of the story, how would you come across?

He is not appreciating how much she has in her plate because he is a complete dick. It doesn’t matter how organised or unorganised thr OP is, her husband’s behaviour is abusive.

How patronising you are to say that all marriages need work and life and marriage is tricky and takes understanding and forgiveness - I think that is pretty much a given and we all know that.

I’ve been married the same length of time as you but I can tell you if my husband was as abusive as the OP’s, I wouldn’t have been married five years.

I very much doubt that anything will change this man, he is what he is and this will go either of two ways- the OP will resign herself to her fate and stay with this man or she leaves him and becomes happier in herself, less stressed and able to lead an enjoyable life which she deserves.

This man sounds as if he will have a few affairs down the line and not give a shit what his wife thinks. Absolutely nothing she has written shows him in a positive light. No decent man carries on the way he is, no communication will fix only divorce papers.

Bit of victim blaming here. Whether the OP has ASHD is irrelevant in this case - a husband who expects his wife to look after all night time wakenings, expects his wife to be the one to take time off work while her children are ill and knows it’s detrimental to her career, a husband who expects his wife to do all nursery runs, a husband who expects his wife to take care of all his laundry, a husband who leaves a mess and expects his wife to clean it up, a husband who is happy for his wife to spend her money on cleaners and an ironing service so he’s not complaining about un-ironed shirts, expects a cooked dinner when he gets home from work, etc, etc

No matter what he couldn’t, if the above are facts, then the only way he will come across is - abusive.

You realise if you left him you’d likely have more money because you wouldn’t be spending so much on trying to keep up with his unreasonable demands. You’d have more time because you would not be having to keep up with his unreasonable demands. And you’d certainly have more self esteem because you would not be living with someone who expects you to work much harder than they do them acts like they are superman and you’re weak.

You’re ten times stronger than he is which is probably why he feels the need to play the big I am while sabotaging you and putting you in your place. He’s just ground you down so far you can’t currently see it. Which suits him as it means he gets to focus on his career and hoard money - money I bet you will never ever have access to, his kids cared for out of your pocket and a convenient emotional punchbag to blame all his inadequacies on.

Leave this man is my advice. He’s abusive and he hates you and barely seems bothered about his kids. He’s selfish and lazy and hypocritical as well as a dictator. Your health issues are more than likely due to him and your children are also feeling the strain it appears with the constant infections and illnesses - recovery of which cannot be helped with a basically absent selfish father and a mother on her knees.

It would be in their best interests not to live with a man like this and spend their formative years in an atmosphere or abuse, contempt and selfishness.

He'd say that he's working very hard to provide for his family and paying for almost everything.

He'd say he's absolutely exhausted and comes home and his wife can't handle her load and is therefore lashing out at him, unhappy and complains all the time.

He'd say that his wife shows him no love or support and that he misses being close to her. He'd say he doesn't feel like she loves him.

He'd say that his wife always cooks the same meals and that the house is disorganised and that he wishes he could just come home to a calm and peaceful environment, with a hot plate of nice food waiting for him on the table. Table all set up, with his drink ready- so he wouldn't need to do a single thing, after his long hard day at work.

His wife doesn't provide these things to the standard he expects and that makes him angry and frustrated and sad.

He would say that he isn't fully supported to build the empire he wants to build. Because he constantly needs to worry his wife isn't ok. Mentally and physically. He can't focus on his work, because he's always being pulled away from it, by his wife's complaining. He is always worried about what's going on at home because his wife can't handle home life the way she should. He would say he worries his wife is unstable because she has had a couple of scrapes on the car lately.

He would say he's unhappy because he just doesn't have time to sort out his laundry and it's difficult for him to get dressed in the morning because he can't find stuff.

He feels lonely because his wife doesn't want to sleep in bed with him. He feels unloved because she doesn't cuddle him or give him sex.

I think these are the things he'd say.

what a total fucking tosser. why you should you do all the shit.? tell him to scale back his fucking stupid 'high powered ' job and lift a fucking mop himself. Arsewipe

From your description I literally want to cut this ungrateful shit's nob off and I am amazed you haven't done so already.

OP your DH wouldn't be getting as far as he is in his career without showing that he has commitment to family especially inn certain industries.

With your both working so intensely its unrealistic for you to then be expected to do all or the house management.

He is going to have to dip into his savings and pay for a house keeper or cut back on his work. You are doing enough.

And if he's so good and budgeting and organising, then you can both sit down together and plan out the jobs and split them evenly. Plan plan plan, if its so easy he can be uncharge of the planning, but plan everything, its hard but it helps.

Also sign up for an emergency babysitting service so they can help on sick days.

Its not going to be easy but you need to carve out time for yourself to get your head sorted and drown own his shitty voice playing in the back of your head.

You are capable, You are a good mother, You are NOT useless.

Eventually you will have time for therapy but right now, managing the life load is the most urgent.

So essentially he’d say that he wants a wife-bot with nothing in her head other than the desire to revolve her life around his needs and building HIS empire - oh but she best also work full time as well. He wants you to be a stepford wife and ALSO have a pressured career.

Also his long long hours are bullshit compared to yours. He gets way more downtime and does way less hours than you. You work throughout the night, then put in a day longer than his work work and the kids AND do the lions share at the weekend.

Like I said - he is weak not you. You work so much harder and longer than him yet get nothing from him except demands and criticism. Stop accepting it, you deserve far far better.

What a total fucking fuckwit wanker. Get shot

Tell him to go find this superwoman he craves and good luck with it. He's going to be looking a long fucking time.

OP "He" forgot to mention his wife has a full time professional well paid job!

"Yesterday I was able to get a couple of hours of exercise. I hurt myself during and mentioned it when I came back. He was like ' oh great now I have to listen to this for the next week ' lol.. like I'm just this huge burden. That's how I feel."

What an absolute knob. You were injured and in pain, and all he could think about was how this would cause trivial inconvenience to him? That says it all, really. It's unbelievable. LTB.

@WhiteLily1
Well aren't you lucky. 25 years and it's hunky dory for you. You obviously do not have any understanding about the corrosive nature of this type of abuse that the OP is suffering. Would you be happy to see your daughter in this situation or would you just tell her to try harder? This is not a simple case of an overworked disorganised mother finding it difficult to cope - this is a corrosive undermining of her mental health by a man who has his head stuck so far up his own arse of self entitlement that he can see the OP just past his own tonsils when he opens his mouth to berate her.
You come across quite smug actually.

Then why is he staying anymore than you. At the very least here you are both trapped in a loveless unhappy marriage that separating will give you both back your life. Or you are trapped with a horrible abusive man who is taking you down mentally.

separsting will certainly benefit you, it could also him

@MothralovesGojira

The same poster "advised" she should cut her hours to make way for his big important job. So no surprise.

I think the very worst part of this is him undermining your mental stability. That is the literally so undermining, so shit, so un-loving, so repulsive, so corrosive.

Also he sounds like the mega arrogant fuckwit type to have an affair justifying himself on the grounds that the poor little thing he gets no affection from his wife so I would get out before that comes into the picture too. I remember some guy telling me how he had an affair because his wife 'didn't keep to her job description' of sleeping with him (this was after he had gone away on a golfing holiday a week after his first child was born). How so many men are walking around with their dicks presumably still in tact never ceases to amaze. me.

I don't know anyone who does all that, or how it would even be possible.

The mums I know with well-paid full time jobs have a full time nanny, cleaner at least twice a week if not a housekeeper, and they work outside the home. They can spend hundreds on Deliveroo per month without feeling bad about it because they earn ££££ and want to save the time.

The mums I know who are housewives, don't have a job or work a maximum of 15 odd hours a week, either in a job that's out of the house or their own self-employed stuff at home (which doesn't have the pressure of meetings, KPIs etc. because they're their own boss). They have no spare money but lots of time to make home cooked meals.

You can do one or the other but not both, but it looks like the decision may be being made for you if you don't have the contract renewed. Having said that, considering how much you don't like cleaning up after people, it sounds like it would not be a good option for you. But if you're out of the house working, it will help set those boundaries for your husband to a) realise how much mess everyone makes and how difficult it is to keep on top of and b) if you're not around he'll have to do things if he wants them done. It's a much better option than working from home, where literally everyone thinks you have endless time all day for some reason.

It's better to do one thing well than a lot of things badly. If the people around you are telling you it's not working, including your mum, then it's not working. You know you need to make some kind of change in either direction, it's just what that is is up to you.

Ah OP I really feel for you. I know a lot of these struggles myself and it leaves you absolutely exhausted. I agree with others that you are at a point now where you simply can't do this all any more. You will break. Your husband is not a partner, whatever other positive attributes he may have. With the amount of money the two of you earn you need to get a mother's help or a housekeeper to help you in the mornings and evenings with the children, tidying up etc. He does not need to be saving as much as he does at the moment if it leaves you burnt out. Once you've got that set up you can then revitalise yourself a bit and then work out if/how to fix your relationship with your DH.

If it were me point number 1 would be properly shared finances where all joint bills go into the pot, including childcare/kids clothes etc and you pay proportionally to your income to cover all those costs (e.g. 60% him, 40% you or 75/25 or whatever). You then each have some of your own money to spend how you want. Food etc is a joint expense so you shouldn't be penalised for needing to rush about last minute etc.

Point 2 would be how do you come back together to recognise each other's challenges and support them. It may be that you are both burnt out and actually if you have a bit more support and are able to nurture each other more you can fix things. Equally it could be that he really is selfish and views all of these things as your job and your failings (as it seems now) in which case the relationship is dead in the water.

I know how it feels to internalise the harsh comments of others and indeed to feel the guilt that you are not enough; as someone who has always excelled in the things I commit to juggling work, housekeeping, and children has been incredibly difficult. You can't excel at all of them all the time without help. You need to recognise that emotionally as well as logically and don't accept anyone telling you it is your fault. Good luck.

This is really sad to read. Genuinely, aside from the financial aspect, what does being with him bring to your life? Because it seems like there are no positives (aside from the extra income) to your life from being a couple.

If you were to move out, you would probably have the same amount to do, but without someone breathing down your neck and criticising you constantly for 'falling short ', plus you wouldn't have the extra work involved with also running around after a grown-up toddler who can't even find his own socks. He would also have to take the children every other weekend, which would give you the time to get yourself organised for the coming weeks (shopping etc).

You talk about him not respecting you, but I don't know how on earth you can respect a man who expects you to fold his socks, have dinner on the table for him and literally follow him around picking up after him like a child. I would laugh in his face and tell him he's not worthy of your respect to be frank. What a child.

I think you're being a tad harsh. I am "one of them" and have been happily married for many years. I do sometimes feel my spouse is patient for putting up with me, but then he feels I am patient for putting up with him and his own challenges (and while my husband's are quite substantial - chronic illness, which is worst for him, plus autism and OCD - we ALL have some problems, inborn or by chance).

Marriage is a two-way street, sure, but if you are aligned on the important things, it's easier to make allowances. I hope your partner and you are happier now, whether together or not.

No, not really. I was saying that something had to give. OP said that her husband can’t be flexible with his job at all for various reasons that she’s didn’t want to go into.
I didn’t see that as sinister. It’s the same for me and my DH- he can’t be flexible with work either and he earns 5 times what I do. If I worked full time then I would sink under with 3 kids manage. DH does manage the kids too though when home and at weekends but still, I would be sinking as DH is the main earner - would make 0 sense to have him cut hours. We would have to sell the house and couldn’t afford anything like the life style we have. So I work part time from home and do more house stuff. I really don’t see what’s wrong with that?

@doyoulikeflowers my rhetorical question was: how would you come across not what would he say.

I can’t get past the fact he told you he wouldn’t care about the housework or the laundry stuff if you’d have sex with him more often. That’s absolutely vile.

I know you said you had dinner with him the other night - did you enjoy that time with him? Did he make you laugh? Do you still have any emotional connection between you?

you mention you’re not well - do you mean physically or mentally? Either way, I do think you should see your GP.

Finance-wise, I think you both should be paying into a joint account (either say 20% of each of your salaries, or an exact amount you both agree on) for bills and household / childcare expenses. That way the burden is fairer for you. Play up to his “you can’t budget” nonsense and ask him to help you with that.

If you can sit down and have a “logical” conversation with him (so he can’t weaponise your being emotional), explain that you’d love a tidy house, all the laundry done etc, but there aren’t enough hours in the day. It is possible with his support - either he pays for additional help or he steps up and does the housework himself. Tell him it’s not negotiable.

You cannot carry on as you are - you will break.

@doyoulikeflowers
Augh...

I don't doubt he works hard at his job. But why is building an empire so important to him? So many people provide for their families and still manage a modicum of work-life balance. He may say you are disorganised - I say he is! He only seems to be able to organise himself for his job. Everything else goes by the board. It's weaponised incompetence because you end up doing it all and then he has the temerity to criticise.

I won't go through addressing every point as others have done it already but if he is complaining you don't want to sleep with him... well, most people don't feel affectionate towards people who aren't kind to them. He doesn't appear to have tried that approach.

You say he would say you moan and complain. You are totally justified in doing so.