You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

Honestly you need to leave.
In the meantime, as he is home at the weekends, create a list of everything that needs doing at the weekend and split it.
And follow through and hold him accountable. If he refuses (likely), you just know what the next step is. He does not see or treat you as equal.

Well you've both stretched yourselves too thin. Personally I would reevaluate if you need the income you're bringing in.

You are absolutely not.
When I was a SAHM my DH was more support and practical help. You’re working FT.

I’m saying this so you don’t think you’re being unreasonable not as some weird brag, we both work FT but my DH earns double what I do.
He:
-does all meal planning and food shopping
-washes his own clothes and sheets

• does half the childcare when kids are unwell

-cooks half the time -looks after the kids when I have to work abroad —and works flexibility during those weeks to do all the childcare/parenting. -never moans about any of the above

You must be exhausted and ground down. It’s okay to leave him over this if you want to.

Not sure what happens to the formatting!

And he’s not the only dad to work full time.
If something needs tidying or laundry needs doing he should do it.
You sound stressed, exhausted and overwhelmed. He needs to step up and do his share

Stopped reading the replies when I read that you earn six figures and he earns double that… unless your mortgage is beyond insane you have more than enough money to fix this issue. Get cleaners more than once a week, hire an au pair or something, look into house organisation firms to get on top of it etc.

I suspect you won’t though as he won’t like it. You won’t leave him because he might be nasty (but not physical which is good) but then So what? He’s nasty to you anyways! What kind of environment is that to bring up kids in?

You will make yourself ill OP, it sounds a very difficult, overwhelming situation. If I was in your shoes, in would have the cleaner in another couple of hours a week, to put on a wash, iron, and do a basic clean whilst waiting for washing machine to finish. Life will get easier as the children grow. But you need more help now. Good luck, sounds like you are doing your best in very difficult circumstances.

My DH works full time and I am a SAHM, we have three kids including a very full on 18mo. I generally manage to just about stay on top of the never ending laundry (mostly) buts tons of other stuff falls by the wayside, cleaning the bathrooms doesn’t get done nearly enough and there are so many jobs that are just permanently on my to do list that never get ticked off. I try my best but everything takes 5 times as long with a toddler in tow and the other kids who want you to pretend this or show you that or join in with whatever (which is lovely and I’m very grateful). However my DH totally gets that this is a really hard phase and the housework is just not that important at the moment in the grand scheme of things. He would never complain about something not being done or make me feel like I’m not doing a good job. He’s my biggest cheerleader. Whenever someone compliments the kids behaviour or whatever he says ‘oh that’s all her’. He credits me with his successes at work saying he’s only able to do what he does cause I’ve got things covered at home. At the weekend he will just pitch in and we’ll try to get the basics done in between spending time with the kids. It’s a team sport.
So, essentially I think you have a DH problem. He’s not being a good husband.

He is emotionally abusive. What example did his parents set him?
you need to start describing his behaviours as emotional abuse and forget any old-fashioned ideas about domestic abuse just being physical. Emotional abuse is easier for him to disguise. He’s already disguising by claiming you’re the problem.
He has ADHD (but this is a secondary problem here), and the emotional abuse comes from a dysfunctional childhood, and also RSD. His behaviours are borderline narcissistic.
thus means only you can do something about it.
you need to start setting boundaries, and you need to stop listening to the crap he says. Don’t respond to it, don’t let him see any reaction from you. Don’t repeat it here (unless you find this helps you discount it). Whenever he says something like this, immediately categorise it as abusive, manipulative and invented rubbish.

a nanny would probably cost the same as nursery and she can look after kids whilst they’re sick at home instead of you.

don’t have 3 cleaners all at the same time. Have 1 come for two full mornings twice a week.

once you’ve done this, there are more steps. Come back for advice.

Working fulltime and taking on most/ all responsibility for young DC is going to give you about zero time for housework. I think the reality is that things are going to be less than Stepford wife under those conditions. More important than a few piles of laundry, some dishes by the sink and crumbs on the floor, is you and your physical and mental health. You are trying to do something that is not sustainable and on top of that you are being burdened with a whole heap of guilt. I think some very assertive words with your husband that this is the current reality and you are both going to have to live with it for the next few years. Do not push yourself beyond your own finite energies. Your job will suffer first and then your children will.

I've just read more of your posts OP and I really think your husband is abusive and that this is not a good situation for you to stay in. He is grinding you down physically and emotionally. He doesn't care about you. He has you twisting yourself in knots trying to keep your family and household functional while he fucks it all up. This also sounds like financial abuse. He has you so panicked about it all you are spending your salary on cleaners, ironing etc which is draining your financial resources. It is awful. I don't know much about it, but I have heard people recommend speaking to women's aid on here. It might be helpful to look into. I am so sorry you are going through this. I think in your heart you would like to go live near your parents and leave him but at the moment it feels too big and too scary. Good luck to you. x

in your comments there is a lot of I. No we.

Even the you need to tell the cleaner to do xyz - is he incapable?

He is a father and lives in the same house. He should want to make sure he does his fair share.

In the first few years bringing up our girls and both working FT - the house was a mess & meals a bit hit and miss. But we both worked as a team and let some things slide. Now they are older the house is tidier and we can all keep up with everything. My husband never once complained as he was as knackered as me doing the night wake up/parenting /cooking/washing. Though I was very honest and clear with him at the beginning of what was needed - otherwise the thinking becomes a bloody overhead with him asking what can I do
to help!

Your husband sounds selfish, I’m not sure telling him would make much difference. But you need to get selfish. & spend some time looking after you. Speak to the GP, maybe some time off work before you snap.

Good luck - you are doing amazing and deserve so much more.

He sounds like an utter twat.

YOU ARE DOING EVERYTHING. You need to stop.

How dare he do nothing to help. FFS you had PND and he still did nothing!! What an absolutely dreadful, horrible human being.

Can you just leave for a week or 2? Let him do everything?

Do you want to stay married to him? I just can't see what he is adding to your life right now. Do you think he is capable of significant change?

Just wondering how he was raised, that he thinks any of this was acceptable. Was his mother a SAHP?
What are his parents like?

This man sounds worse and worse with every new post by the OP. I don't think he needs a wake-up call so much as a punishment beating.

All the "this is what it takes to be successful" stuff is total shite, too. I know someone who makes getting on half a million a year in a senior finance job and makes proper time for family stuff, a) because he knows how to delegate and manage expectations properly, and b) - this is the crucial part - he isn't a total cunt.

He can do household stuff after 8pm and at weekends. I put our kid to bed while OH preps food for the next day / tidies up etc.

essentially do you both have the same down time. Sounds like he does nothing when he gets in?

I feel for you. It’s not worth it, most often for the woman, to work full time when the kids are small. Society had created an impossible situation

You both work full time with two children.
Employ the cleaner for two days.
Have you looked into having a nanny and the children going to nursery part time?

Also accept and rejoice in less than perfection.
If the house is cleanish and tidy once a month and you can all find your clothes, eat and meet your dead lines - fine.

I’ve seen everyone say this is abuse. Yes, it’s not great granted. But you say you’re in bed by 8pm every night and he gets in at 8.30pm. So neither of you see each other until the weekend if I’m right?
This alone is going to put huge pressure on you both. He doesn’t see what you have to deal with at dinner/bed time every night. He doesn’t see the struggle you have getting kids ready for nursery every morning but more importantly, you don’t have someone to vent with when kids are in bed.
so by the weekend, you’re both exhausted and have al this built up frustration which is naturally going to come out on the weekends.
is there any way you can stay up one night during the week so you have some ‘couple’ time?
I feel for you I really do. It all falls on us mums and it’s important our partners appreciate that. Good luck

This really struck a chord with me because my H says that it's because of me ' not leaving him alone ' at weekends that he can't progress even further with his work.

He says I don't support him enough and I'm actually holding him back.

By me not ' leaving him alone ', he means that I get annoyed if he just keeps fleeting in and out of the room me and my kids are in, with no care in the world- he just goes upstairs for an hour. He goes to his office for an hour, shuts the door and watches TV. It annoys me when he just leaves, so I tell him to spend some time with us. He also always finds man jobs to do that take him away from us for many hours etc.

I get annoyed and he says I hold him back. He blames me in fact on why he is so messy with his clothes because I don't allow him the time to tidy up.

I often leave him alone at home at weekends for the whole day, in the hopes he finally gets done whatever he needs to get done and will stop blaming me for not supporting him. Usually by the time I come back, he's in his dressing gown chilling. That's fine, but don't blame me for not having given you the time.

Like I said, I also let him have lie ins at weekends and he doesn't get up with the kids during the night either.

But apparently I'm holding him back, because I need him to spend time with us at weekends and I get annoys when he fleets in and out, whilst I'm stuck sitting with the kids.

I do sometimes make time for myself and go out and exercise, but even that got too much for a while and he was a grumpy arse, so I stopped.

I often stay up later, if the kids aren't sick. So I do see him usually 3 night a week for a bit. It's just been lately where I've had very broken sleep that I sleep that early.

Last night I had dinner with him and went to bed at 9:30 or so, for example. It depends what's happening with the kids.

He's completely switched off to any of my struggles. It's like I'm this broken, annoying record for him. He has no empathy for me at all. I literally just annoy him.

Have you actually read the OP’s posts?? She is up multiple times a night with her children, gets them to nursery when they are well, is expected to cook dinner, keep house and take care of her husband’s laundry as well as work full time - of course she is going to fall into bed at 8pm, before her children wake in the night and her day starts all over again. Her husband knows well the OP is struggling but instead of stepping up to the plate, he tells her it is her own fault, keeps up the demands for fresh laundry and a dinner and a tidy house -he is abusive, full stop.

OP - you should have a good long think about your future with this man and whatever you do, do not become a SAHM and have to rely on him financially.

@doyoulikeflowers do not give up work. You need to make him understand that if things don't change you will leave. You need him to understand that if you split and have the kids 50/50 your life would improve massively from a workload perspective while his would get much harder. That means that things aren't equal now. He doesn't have to progress and do better at work. He can coast a bit where he is, lots of us do that in the Peak kid years. Family is important too. He doesn't have to do the hours he does, I bet he could be more efficient at work and be home earlier, but then he'd have to do more domestic stuff.
But never, ever, give up work, this dynamic will be more entrenched if you do. Use the fact you earn well to be your leverage that you really can leave him and be okay.

Something has to give and at this rate it will be your health.

Please do not reduce your working hours. I know it's hard (and extra hard at the moment with sick DC) but you need to protect your own future (both recent and long term).

What annoys me with people who moan about the state of the house or they haven't got time to do stuff is if the other person wasn't there they would have to at least look after themselves! In your case, if he was single he would have to do his own laundry and cook his own meals and clean (or outsource it all). I bet his standards would drop then.

All of us spend weekends catching up on laundry or something. Why does he get 2 free days? I'd tell him - you both work full time and you both need to get on top of things together. Or he can do the 50:50 with the DC in his own home.

Yes other mothers work full time - I did. But I wasn't carrying and caring for an able bodied adult who moaned at me if things were not to his standard. That's the difference.