You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

Leave him, you will be much happier when you don’t have him abusing you with his demands.

You are allowed to say: "Stop complaining. If you don't like it, work to fix it "

On a practical note do consider meal planning services.

I think his lack of empathy for you is a problem. You may have to leave him, he’s not going to respect you

@WFHmumof2
This only works if both parents are fully engaged in the relationship and actually pull together. OP's H is doing the opposite every time. He works against her, frustrates her trying to problem solve the issues and moves the goal posts every time. The OP is suffering from horrendous non-violent abuse from a 'man' who really doesn't care how she is or how the children are. I'm hoping that you've not read all the OP's posts before wading in with this nonsense.

I hope you're ok. I understand this feeling but my DH isn't responsible for it, i look around and seeing others seemingly coping with house and work and being a wife/mum incredibly and I feel like I give most of my energy to being a mum and everything else seems to get done but to a lesser standard and then comes through guilt however I do know deep down that practically it's nonsense and I have nothing to feel guilty about. I always reason my DH works longer/harder working hours so he shouldn't feel as much responsibility for our home life but actually we both work hard and I know he feels that is the case too. Setting impossible standards and feeling sh*y we can't maintain them is my forte though. Your husband has made comments that have hurt you but it probably wouldn't have if you didn't think it yourself albeit also knowing it is nonsense. Od be annoyed with him for saying what he did because it shows a lack of appreciation for your role in the family and he clearly does not get it or value it enough. Just a suggestion but can you afford a cleaner or to delegate some of the jobs that don't need you specifically to handle. It'll free you up to focus on things that'll make you feel more organised and productive. Hope you're ok. It's only for a season whilst the children are young but it's full on and completely sympathise xx

Please, when things calm down a little and your children are better, get yourself to a counsellor.

They will listen, they will make you think, they will help you ignore his voice in your head so you can hear your own. They will help you find you so that you can see what you want. And find strategies to deal with your husband for as long as you can bear to live with him. And how to navigate splitting when you finally have had enough

@Blondebrunette1
She is throwing money at it for help already

He isn't

There's nothing else she can do

OP do you NOT see that you are giving him absolute licence to treat you like garbage by jumping to his tune and expecting nothing.

Why on earth would he change. He has you exactly where he wants you, subservient and him in charge doing exactly as he pleases.

No, a decent man wouldn't take advantage of you like that, but he's not a decent man, is he.

STOP jumping to his bloody tune.

This is a totally misguided way of keeping him quiet.

You are only making it worse by laying your self respect down for him to trod on.

This needs to be nipped in the bud now.

well, get them to come twice a week, get the laundry picked up and dropped off once a week (they normally do like Tuesday pick up Thursday drop off).

You have too much on, you can either do less and be ok with it or delegate more things out.

Reducing Nursery by an hour or two a week would give you the money to pay for it all if thats the issue. Pay a cleaner cash directly to reduce spend. Get em 3 times a week if you really need to

There's a relationship theory known as the four horsemen of the apocalypse. One of these is "contempt" and once you get there it's very difficult to get back from it. It sounds like that's where your husband is.

I split up with my ex in slightly similar circumstances. He was a very high earner, I was quite a high earner. Everything fell to me. The empathy on his side had gone though he wasn't as nasty day to day as your husband.

But I do disagree with some of the posts on this thread. Your husband is out from 5.30-8.30. I've no idea if he needs to work that long or if he could scale back his work but I don't think it's realistic (or necessary given your income) to do those sort of hours and come in and start cleaning. He may be exhausted / depressed etc, though if so it sounds like that has been going on for a long time and it's not an excuse for his behaviour towards you.

I also think becoming a single mum is presented as some easy option where you'll magically be able to cope with everything because you're less stressed for not having to deal with a difficult spouse. It's true to an extent in that you can do things your way and no one moans at you about dishes in the sink and being in a bad relationship really saps your energy. But being a single mum and holding down a £100k job with young children, little family support and little support from your ex is really really hard. I do it and it is only just about manageable because I work very late every night to get stuff done. There are times where it feels completely unsustainable. Throw health issues into the mix and I'm not sure I'd cope. Even on £100k you won't necessarily have the disposable income to outsource in the way you do now. I think if you are going to leave you need a plan to make it work - e.g. having savings to tide you over for a while or finding a way to get some family or other support.

He's checked out already @doyoulikeflowers
There is nothing to save here - not anymore.
Your most recent posts about 'his' weekend needs show this. I strongly suspect that he is deliberately making your life as difficult as possible so that he can break you and say "See...she's mad and useless. Poor me. I tried to help but SHE wouldn't do as I told her. Poor me. She broke it all by being mentally unbalanced. Poor me. My life became impossible and I'm the victim here - sob sob poor me". These are of course all lies and misdirection - an abusers slight of hand trick. You need to look at the hand that's not moving and in the opposite direction to the fuss he creates - what is he hiding behind his accusations of you being to blame for all this?

Start getting your ducks in a row. You said in an earlier post that he saves a lot. Where is this money because I suspect that he's already making a tidy balance in his post divorce fund. He is saving at the cost of you having to use all your funds every month and the fact that there is NO FINANCIAL TRANSPARENCY here - none. You need to wake up OP. H has checked out and will completely stuff you once Domestic Appliance Mk2 has been secured - sorry to be blunt.

” I don't think he needs a wake-up call so much as a punishment beating.”

However depressing this thread, it was worth it for that comment @Couldyounot.

Your post today describing that in the weekends he still isn't a team player doesn't even want to engage with the DC let alone pull his weight.

It sadly is over.

Start now by researching for a shit hot lawyer who gets proven good results for your circumstances.

Find out what is happening with your job.

If you lose your job then an extended break with your parents? The DC in nursery whilst you take a few months to improve your health. DH will have to foot the bills if he wants you to job hunt and keep the nursery place.

Do NOT put any costs on a credit card in your name whilst you aren't earning. He will have to pay for food, nursery, travel etc etc.

Consider with a solicitor the pros and cons divorcing financially whilst you aren't working.

Please look up about coercive control/gas lighting - contact woman's aid, as this sounds like what you are experiencing.
You are going through a really tough time, stay strong and somehow please find a way to improve things for you and your children.
I escaped a coercive controller but didn't have children in the mix, which makes it much tougher.....

Read this post again, slowly, and imagine it was being said by your friend, your sister... what would you response to them be OP?

Would it be cheaper to have a housekeeper type person to come in and do the shirts, the food shopping even a home delivery and being there to deal with it and put it away/meal planning for you and perhaps some food prep (like peeling spuds/veg, taking meat out of freezer etc) than the chaos of trying to remember it all? Perhaps even putting a load of laundry in too. You would probably still need a cleaner too however but having someone come to your home

hell this would be an ideal job for me. Honestly! And I’m sure it would come in less than the £1k a month on deliveroo and shirt ironing.

Yes I’m ignoring OPs Fuentes posts for the time being because practical help immediately would free up her brain to deal with the crappy relationship

Look DH problem aside (because it is ob a problem) I am also in the camp of reducing your hours or stopping work completely. Not just for you, but for the kids. I had a friend that worked full time, kids full time in nursery. Her kids were constantly sick!!!! Constantly. And it happens because mum has to work, so as soon as poor toddler shows a tiny bit of improvement, they get sent off to nursery again. Boom, to be in contact with all that bugs again. And then mum says 'oo he is sick again'. He's not, he was never given time to get healthy in the first place. Which is sad. Anyway, when her kids was on their 3rd round of antibiotics in the winter, her pediatrician told that she obviously cannot decide for her, but her kids needs no be taken out of nursery for 3 to 6 months to get healthy. She's not doing right by her kids. And the thing is, it's a cycle. it is not just the fact that they're in nursery. Lots of times the food they eat aren't as healthy, because mum is too tired to cook, so they eat junk food, that doesn't help their bodies either. And people can torch me until I'm blue in the face, but I don't think that is fair. And while I appreciate the fact that some families or mums whose husbands passed away, has to work, this is not the case for your family. You don't need to have that much money ( be soo successfull as you dh puts it). They won't remember their designer clothes or holidays abroad, but they will remember they way they were constantly pushed aside because mum and dad had to work.) And also the myth that if kids get sick a lot they build up their immunity, has been debunked soo many times. Immunity is when you get a small amount of the illness and build anti-bodies to not get as sick later (think of vaxxines, like measles etc). But sickness isn't good for the body per se. It kills off cells in the body. No one should be aiming for sickness!! ( BTW I know you're not, I am just saying it as so many people always answer with 'it builds immunity') I think for your children's sake you need to take some time off. Maybe as a side thing you can sort out other stuff such as meal planning and dh would see the benefit to a well-rested mum who can run the household efficiently, calmly and effectively. (and have energy left for intimacy, if you're still together)

For £600/month you can definitely find someone who will do cleaning as well as laundry/tidying. Somewhere between 3-5 hours twice a week. Try a local app like nextdoor for recommendations.

That might give you some headspace while you consider whether the marriage is truly an equal partnership that brings you fulfilment and if not whether it still had that potential or whether you're done

If you’re in your 30’s, do you really want to spend the next 50 years living with a person who treats you like this?

You are independent, you work, you run the home, you do the life admin, you care for the children. Short of getting a permanent role to secure a future income, there is nothing positive this man brings to your life except that. Do you want to look back at the end of your life and regret this is how you spent your life

I once was in a similar position to you, made to feel a failure and made to admit I wasn’t coping when I asked for help (getting up 2 nights a week) - that was before full time work. The last 18 months of full time work and shift in expectations of responsibilities between us has led the relationship to breaking point a number of times. Now it is him that’s not coping after forcing me to admit that and I still juggle about 75% of our childcare, life admin and household duties. However for the first time I’ve actually been ready to walk away and only at that point did my partner try, I don’t think he realised I was teetering on the line of that limit of no going back until then. I had worked out financially I could manage it and I was willing to step away. It may still come to that point in future but I will not look back and regret my life in 50 years time and neither should you

I'm in a similar position with a husband that works stupid hours and isn't around to help and I have 2 kids under 6 and I'm pregnant. I work part time but juggle the kids, house, cooking everything etc. My husband would NEVER complain about the state of the house or cooking. Your hubbie needs a reality check. Get him to take a week off and look after the kids and house and that will put into perspective just how much needs done day to day x

Leave him.

You’ll get at least one day a week free when he has the kids! The rest of your week won’t change apart from he won’t be nagging you.

Why are Mums expected to do everything? He gets home at 8:30pm - he could help when he gets home for 30mins-1hour, put some washing on, help clear up. Also, does he work 7 days a week? You say he has no time off because of his job, that’s illegal for one so wouldn’t fly as an excuse for me. I’m presuming having kids wasn’t just your idea so he needs to step up and stop making digs at the person working full time who’s also doing everything. Sounds like he needs to prioritise his family because right now he’s putting work before family from what you say.

Some Dads really need to start learning that having kids is 50/50, I’d never let my OH away with behaviour like this. He understands when he gets home and the house is a mess that I’ve had a busy day with our child and just helps me get things done. That’s what a supportive partner would do rather than complaining at you for things not being done.

And if he doesn’t have the kids for that one day a week, he can’t complain if you take them abroad to live!

You need to point out to him that not all mothers are married to people who work the hours he does... and many households with 2 full time working parents have grandparents supporting.

Some other parents who work full time can do the nursery run, get home in time to cook a dinner or put a wash on, work from home a couple of times a month, help with the mental load. These small things make a massive difference.

If his job has literally zero flexibility then something has to give. Full time jobs can look very different. Your DH clearly doesn't have an understanding of this. Outsourcing only helps to a point. I bet you're the one who tidies for the cleaner, gets shirts ready for the ironing...