You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

Hi op I recognise much of what you say. I have a very similar DH problem and a toddler who is sick all the time. I also have a full time job with a six figure salary and an unhappy boss. I’m so overwhelmed with it all. I’m still married because I can’t face the conflict of arguing about not doing the dishes, never mind leaving him. I just can’t cope with the thought of a year of selling the house, splitting the assets etc. it fills me with dread to think of taking on yet more things to do. And so I am stuck.
I tell you this in the hope that you realise it’s not just you and there are other seemingly competent and strong women in the same boat so to speak. You are not weak.
I hope you get some sleep and your little one is better soon. And that we both find some strength one day to stand up to them or leave them.

@doyoulikeflowers it's very sad that you don't recognise that's he is being abusive.

You can dress it up that he believes that it's what it takes to be successful but

He ignores your ill health - abuse
Ignores that you work FT & do all the domestic stuff on top of- abuse
Ignores you are woken every night and are suffering from sleep deprivation- abuse
Ignores that you have an unequal/unfair financial contribution - abuse
Contempt that you aren't able to save money - abuse
You have no sight or access to his savings - abuse
He belittles you - abuse

He is just plain old nasty abusive misogynist.

I have read the recent messages about the inner voice. If you go to your GP you can be referred for counselling. It might be a help and silence that voice in your head.

I don't want to guilt trip you but having had very sick siblings and having taken really poorly when I was a young teen, our Doctor told my mum our family set up was causing the children stress and that was in the 1970s. It has had a lasting effect and not a pleasant one. My mum suffered for years and kept us all going, not knowing that we ended up damaged. A lot of the advice is positive and a lot of people are saying the same things. You time to call time on the situation you are in. That's not to say split up or reduce your work, or give in but refocus on you being happy and it will reflect on your children. You are the poor angel too .

Do you have any girl friends - good friends who take you as they find you and know the real you? Go to them . I am sure their doors will be open. XX

You are not weak or hopeless or any of the crap he tells you. Learn to trust that little voice inside that says “this is bullshit”. She’s not wrong, you know….

I think you are amazing and I think you could absolutely cope with it all if your partner would just tell you how amazing you are and what a brilliant mum you are and how good you are at your job and how you are the glue that keeps it all together (and tidy his own shit up)
It's simple , he is not nice , you don't need to change he does or he will lose you . Is there not anyone he listens to and respects who could tell him this?

OP you have had lots of advice here but seem unable to take the next step. Could you call Women’s Aid now to get their perspective? They will have helped many women in your position. This cannot go on.

It is International Women’s Day on Friday. Do this for yourself. X

"He cooked for the children while I was out. And fed them. Left everything in the sink. Plates full of food and orange peel etc.

I had to spend an hour this morning with a toddler , who's still sick and can't go to nursery - tidying up the mess. "

OP seriously, I understand it's difficult but after EVERYTHING why are you STILL cleaning up his mess.

This is the flaming MINIMUM you need to walk away from.

I minor step to demonstrate you're not his skivvy.

And get back a bare bones modicum of respect.

WHY are you still doing this?

I agree with this. You say yourself “I come here and I get validation for my logical thinking and then my other voice takes over. I almost need someone in real life to support me”
You do need someone to support you in real life.
All the best.

I get what you're saying. I cleared it because 1. It would have been horrible to look at it all day 2. I suppose I do a lot of things for an easier life, so he doesn't complain it's a mess.

So you're saying I shouldn't order food for him tonight and pay for it because I didn't have time to cook dinner for him. Because he will be really pissed to get home to no food. He doesn't care what else is going on.

Tell him to order his on food.

He can order his own. Or text him and tell him to swing by somewhere on his way home.

Honestly though, when I worked full time and got home at 6, DH at 7, I generally would knock something up for dinner. The difference there being he didn't think it was my responsibility to make sure the food was in the fridge in the first place, because I have a vagina.

I’m really sorry to read this @doyoulikeflowers I don’t have any useful advice for your relationship but do get your poorly little one some Optibac to help with their gut bacteria after all of the antibiotics. Wishing you all the best

If you wake up before him and walk out one day for 48 hours ... What's he going to do? I understand he has a "more" demanding job than you ( I say it like because each to their own.. but you're doing three jobs in one... Housekeeper, parent and paid job) we all know the stats on mental load of organising your family life. He's an ungrateful sod which is the gist of it. Mine used to be like this. Thank god he had empathy to change .

@doyoulikeflowers I haven’t read all of your responses because honestly I got through a few and I want to slap your husband please do yourself and your children a favour and leave him what a narcissistic prick of a man and believe me I know it’s easy to say leave but it really isn’t as scary as you probably think you will soon get in to a good routine and to be honest by the sounds of it the kids won’t even miss him sounds like they don’t really know him please do not stay in this marriage for the sake of the kids or out of fear of the unknown your worth more than that and it will all work out in the end and honestly the amount of hours he’s working is it a possibility he's having an affair. Good luck OP

His attitude is that you are primarily responsible for the house and kids but should work full time too
arsehole!

He can have a pick from the fridge dinner and put something together himself. Why would you even think of cooking for him - you were up several times last night with ill children, has to start your own working day late and being one of your children to the doctors, etc.

No you aren’t the only mum who works full time but he’s being a dick. I work full time out of the house then spend most of my Saturday cleaning, washing, sorting clothes, changing beds etc. then I relax on a Sunday. During the week it’s just the fire fighting of picking up after the kids and clearing up after dinner etc. my husband also works but shorter hours so he can collect the kids, he cooks for us every night and makes packed lunches every day.
if you worked out of the house which was the norm pre Covid you wouldn’t be expected to work and look after sick children. Can’t you go back to the office? Or go somewhere else to work? Rented office space? If the kids are ill you have a discussion about who takes the day off. It shouldn’t always be you. Unless he’s away with the army on deployment he can take a day off to care for dependants. Even if it’s unpaid. If you do it then you are off. Even if you still work from home. Tell your boss your kids are sick and take the day off. No one can look after sick children and do a full days work. get the cleaner to do the “big” jobs. Change the beds for example. Your kids are not young forever and it does get better but for now you need to make some changes as it’s not sustainable

Let him worry about his food! He can pick something up on the way home if he's bothered. If not, I'm sure you've got beans and bread or something equally easy 🤷🏼‍♀️

You need to protect yourself. No one can do it for you OP. You said that you do it for an easier life. Is your life easy?

What would you say if your daughter asks for your advice if she marries someone like your husband?

This is amongst the worst threads I've read (and there have been some bad ones).

He is a truly awful individual and he is treating you like some sort of malfunctioning appliance whose only purpose is to facilitate his life.

You are a person. You have a right to rest, consideration and respect.

I’ve not read all your posts but on a practical note is it worth getting some in to do meals for you. My DIL lives abroad and she goes to people houses once a week and makes them meals, one for that evening, and three more, two of which go in the freezer. The lady shops according to a list made by DIL for a menu they have pre decided.

alternatively if Cook (pre prepared meals company) are near you I’d look into getting a delivery. I do this occasionally and then throw a whole head of broccoli in a pan to go with something like a beef bourguignon. I did this for a full week to give me some time to get my head round menu planning/having some me time a while back when life got so out of hand.

💐💐💐hope things improve for you very soon.

You won't want to hear this but I'm going to say it anyway.Stop making excuses, have some self respect and throw the whole damn man in the bin. He treats you like sh*t and you just let him walk all over you. You may be financially worse off without him but you'll have space to BREATHE. So what if the house isn't spotless? One less mouth to feed and listen to endlessly whine, one less humans worth of washing, one less person to clean up after. As your children grow up, they will look to you both as role models, and right now you're telling your kids its fine for men to go to work and women should go to work AND manage a full household in its entirety AND do all of the chores the man should be doing AND shouldn't be complaining about it. Build a home for your children you'd be proud to see them build for their children. If you won't do it for you, do it for them.

Following my scathing review, this does raise a question of are you actually safe? It doesn't sound like it if you're frightened he will get angry about dinner. What would happen if you didn't have dinner for him? Would he shout? Cold shoulder? Get violent? Any of those aren't acceptable, with the latter obviously being the worst. If safe to do so, this link has plenty of helpful resources to get you safe: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Get a divorce.

Agree!! Even for busy single working women or the likes of me with a horizontal husband doing batch cooking / day a month is a good move … OP could you consider the suggestions .. might be one step to taking a bit of pressure off you … and no it doesn’t solve the Dick problem.