You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

You are the only woman who works full time in your household, that's the point, OP.

Just divorce him, he's never going to change, and at least you will not have a manchild to look after on top of the children.

I have a supportive husband who does so much for our family, but he has to work abroad sometimes. We dont earn enough to outsource all the drudgery. I want to be able to see my kids more than a couple of hours a day. Working full time, doing my share of housework and supporting my elderly dad after my mum recently died has left me exhausted and I have come to the realisation that if i want a family life, if I dont want to be rushing around like a headless chicken, if I want to manage my stress and be healthier then my way have 'having it all' is to work less hours. I guess it depends on what you want from life.

Well I agree but if you have a nit picking nasty dh who doesn’t appreciate your effort, then working less is not your best plan.

OP one thing shines through in your responses - your DH appears to dislike you, has no respect for you whatsoever, talks down to you and uses you.

Try and do whatever you can to keep your job.

Stop doing stuff for him. If he doesn't like it, so what? Tell him you're sick of his shit and to do it himself. If he has a ho at you leave the room.

You seem reluctant to try and make changes and to deal with his abuse - only you can decide if this is how you want to live your life.

My advice: get a lawyer as I can't see how your marriage can possibly survive.

Hi op
It sounds like you are the victim of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse can be physical, but often is emotional or financial. I would consider speaking to someone about how you are feeling and how he is treating you. There are support groups available. Start by seeing your gp xxx

I tell him all the time that I think he hates me. Disrespects me. He says I'm hysterical.

Yesterday I was able to get a couple of hours of exercise. I hurt myself during and mentioned it when I came back. He was like ' oh great now I have to listen to this for the next week ' lol.. like I'm just this huge burden. That's how I feel.

He cooked for the children while I was out. And fed them. Left everything in the sink. Plates full of food and orange peel etc.

I had to spend an hour this morning with a toddler , who's still sick and can't go to nursery - tidying up the mess.

I'm not at doctors with toddler.

Thankfully I've been able to arrange childcare for the afternoon.

But again, it's not a full working day when you start work at 11 am.

I've also been up with ill toddler since 3 am, again. 4th night in a row.

You are on around 2.5 times the average national salary so are in a better position than most women.You absolutely can initiate a divorce after you have looked at all finances. All you have to be aware of is him attempting to hide money and assets.

Whilst many relationships can be salvaged I think yours is way past that point.

Even if you had a FT housekeeper that did everything and your house was perfect with all the socks of shit for brains perfectly balled and colour coded he would still be in that beautifully ordered house.

Everyone ends up a bit worse off financially after breaking up because they are solo but I think this man will destroy your mind eventually.

I do not accept there is any job where you "can't" take time off with your sick kids. What would he do if you were in hospital, or something happened and he was a single parent. He'd just leave them, would he? He'd have to take time off, even if it was awkward, embarrassing, he lost money or it impacted his career.

There is no "can't".

When it's really life and death kind of thing, my in law family have helped out before. He asks them to. When I've had to travel for work, we either pay a nanny, or have in law family to help if they can. He has maybe taken one day off in total to cover for those eventualities.

I travel for work and it's always a massive deal for everyone who thinks I shouldn't travel for work, being the mum.. 🙄

Why are you still with him? He won’t go to counselling because they would see right through him.

it sounds as if you are financially doing alright so leave

@doyoulikeflowers if the only thing you fear are his insults and lies, then that’s a good start. Because you know the truth of the matter. The people who love you will understand, and everybody else can believe what they want, what IS important is you and your health. Look at what everyone on here is saying - you need to look after you because he certainly won’t. Start focusing on you and the kids ONLY, leave him to look after himself.

I don't think you understand. I don't feel like I am right deep down.

On a logical level - I know the behaviour isn't right. I know the things he says are not ok.

But there's a stronger voice inside that's telling me I am wrong. I think it's his voice. I've internalised it maybe. He would say that I'm weak and I'm not a family person. He shouldn't have married me. I'm blowing everything out of proportion. I'm hysterical. He didn't mean to say that other women also work full time - am I really going to split up the family because of a few throwaway silly comments ? I'm exaggerating, like I always do. I'm so emotional and hysterical.

I come here and I get validation for my logical thinking and then my other voice takes over. I almost need someone in real life to support me. I don't know how to describe it. I'm sorry if that upsets people and they think I'm weak or whatever, but it's how I feel.

@doyoulikeflowers i feel so sad reading your posts because you sound so utterly exhausted and beaten down. Have you friends or family nearby who can help? Sleep deprivation is literally torture, so you won’t be thinking entirely ’straight’ with the combination of that, sick toddler/baby, antagonistic, bullying, unhelpful husband, work, and you trying to carry all the mental load of the household. What straw will break your back? Something has to give - and you need to ensure it’s not your health. I would suggest a visit to the gp, and then a good solicitor.

What should I say to a GP ? How would a GP be helpful ? My mum is quite supportive and thinks my H should help more and support me more.

But she absolutely wants me to quit my job. That's the difference. She says it's just too much and to have him pay everything for a while, while I get back on my feet. I already have pretty serious health problems.

Mum doesn't worry about me being left with nothing after a divorce I think because she thinks she will help me. Always. But obviously I don't want to be relying on anyone.

My toddler is really sick. He's had recurring throat infections and now his ears as well.

They've been giving him different courses of antibiotics and it's not gone away. Or seems to go away, just to come back after a few days. Now he has double ear infection and tonsillitis.

That's why he's been crying so much, his ears are really sore.

Thankfully they're finally going to refer him to an ENT. He's had tonsillitis at least 5 times last year and now he's not able to get over ear infections and tonsillitis together. So many antibiotics bless him. In any case, it's really tiring. Especially the last few days as he just won't stop crying. Poor angel.

am I really going to split up the family because of a few throwaway silly comments ? I'm exaggerating, like I always do. I'm so emotional and hysterical.

No, you're going to split up the family because you don't love him any more and you are sick of sharing a life with someone who doesn't support you and thinks you are always emotional and hysterical.

(If you do want to leave of course. I think you should but you obviously don't have to LTB just because Mumsnet says so 🤣)

I would suggest seeing a paediatrician privately.

Fundamentally, you are very deeply unhappy as a result of his behavior.

Any minimizing or fast talking from him doesn't stop that being true. You feel how you feel, whether he approves of your feelings or not.

It sounds like your kids are completely worn down too from trying to achieve his fast paced lifestyle. You know, whether this contract goes south or not, I’m sure you have the work history to get another contract after a break if you’re all in better condition.

so your dh has again gone into work, knowing you’re up for renewal and left you with a very sick toddler?

i think most of us would be hysterical in those circumstances.

There is something sinister in high income couples when one of them is abusive just as your DH is. There seems to be a common thread where the man really does view the wife and kids as the life accessory to being the "perfect family man" but he doesn't want to spend his time or love or money on them. I do wonder if they are deeply flawed beings maybe sociopaths or narcissists.

How can he have no compassion for you even as a random person let alone his life partner. You are unwell, burnt out, you have a career but he sees you as having no value other than ensuring he isn't inconvenienced by the DC or domesticity.

I think he thinks it's ' what it takes ' to be super successful. I don't feel heard at all.

He's so sick of hearing me talk about how hard everything is for me. I'm just not getting through to him. He just wants me to shut up and get on with it.

You don't sound remotely hysterical to anyone here. Probably because we aren't all massive misogynists who chuck that word at women. You just sound fucking knackered because you are doing 100% of the child raising and housework on top of a full time job.

They aren't 'silly throwaway comments'. Even the few you have shared here sound like bullying and abusive behaviour from him and it's not surprising he's worn you down over the years with them, when he's got you exhausted, jumping through hoops, to reach an impossible standard that he's not prepared to do any work towards himself.
Again, he is an absolute cunt and you deserve SO much better.

First I was going to suggest an au pair, bit more that I've read all your updates, I don't think there is anything you can do to make this marriage and family work because it very much sounds like he simply doesn't respect and love you at all.
Hence regardless of what else you do to alleviate the situation, essentially the dynamic is not going to change and he is still going to be mean and disrespectful to you and unpleasant and unhelpful.

The only way to solve that problem, is to leave him.

You are absolutely capable of managing life on your own, you are already doing it! You'd just have one less person to manage, tidy up behind and look after, and that will make a hell of a difference. Not to mention you won't have to listen to his negativity and putting you down and stressing you out. You will find a way to make it work on your own. Even if you have to cut back on certain things, it will be better than now.

By the sounds of it anything else you do will just buy you more time in the day to do your actual day job which is great, but it's not going to improve your marriage or your family life, which really sounds awful.

Dear OP,

You sound so worn down. I know a few of us have suggested seeing the gp and you asked what could that do. Don’t forget to look after yourself too. Seeing the gp and explaining your situation can get a third party view and help give clarity. I am not in the UK and our system is slightly different. I went to the menopausal specialist and broke down in tears telling her about my marriage. She really listened and said this does sound bad. She referred me to a psychiatrist. When I told him everything he said “you are in an abusive marriage”. Hearing this really helped me to realise this wasn’t my fault.

what I am trying to say is by seeing a doctor they can listen and refer you. Also have you thought of phoning women’s aid I think they are called in uk? I’ve seen them recommended on here before. I really think you need to talk to a third party as well as friends or family as it will help you to get a view of your situation. Sorry I know in the uk it might not be easy to see a doctor but do try even if you have to pay for a referral.

please take good care of yourself. I hope your little one starts to feel better too. Some thing some one said to me when I was really low last year was better a morsel in peace than a feast in strife. Sorry if the English translation is slightly off. But it is so true. You can manage by yourself with less money and be far happier than with all the trappings of wealth and living with abuse. Good luck OP and stay strong you sound very capable to me.

I would stop being so mild mannered. I'd go ballistic at him.
'Why are there dishes in the sink'
'BECAUSE YOU FUCKING LEFT THEM THERE'