You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

I’m not sure working less is always a silver bullet with two young kids - they make it really hard to get household chores done and I find my working days less stressful than my home days!

Maybe DH can take a short holiday in the near future and catch up the house to where he thinks it should be and sort the kids out on all transport/meals/wakes/illnesses while he’s off - would give you a break, sorts the house and might help him appreciate the load you’re carrying!

Well @doyoulikeflowers make a conscious decision - if you want to try to save the contract, you tell dh he needs to step up now, or you are going to be out of work in 6 weeks and it will be due to his lack of support. I’ve spent ages contracting too - there will be another contract but you need to make it clear to dh that this long spate of illness he hasn’t helped with has led you to this point job wise.

Your husband is dreadful and on all probability, if you were to separate, your life would be a lot easier and certainly much less stressful.

In the meantime,

I would today tell your husband that you are no longer going to be doing any of his laundry, nothing, no carrying basket up or down, no washing, no drying, no folding. Stop paying for his shirt ironing and save the money.

Order Gusto or Hello Fresh and if your DH doesn’t like the meals, he can sort himself.

Both my DH and I have high pressure jobs and our kids are young too, one still wakes up multiple times. It is truly horrific what your DH is doing to you. He is basically running you to the early grave because he wants to consume your last bit of energy for his benefit.

It is not a marriage built on trust, respect and love. It is a pure vile contempt.

Your children will see because you are a woman, you need to facilitate the man at any costs even though it will slowly kill you.

Run.

I do agree with others that ultimately you will have to leave this nasty man.

In the meantime, setting all his wants and needs aside, what is the minimum you can do to keep the home running for you and your children? Nursery runs, food for you and the children, clean clothes for you and the children.

The problem with men like this is they absolutely will not step up and you will not be able to "make him", he will simply double down.

The only thing you can do is excise all tasks that are related solely to him. It doesn't matter to you that he WON'T look for his own clean socks as it doesn't affect you. It doesn't matter if he has no ironed shirts as it doesn't affect you. You will of course have to gird your loins to ignore and grey rock his anger. Tell him to talk to the hand 'cos the face ain't listening.

For the next six weeks get ready meals and paper plates. Focus on your job to the exclusion of all but the most basic of tasks.

Once you've got that out of the way you can focus on the next thing but you don't have to worry about that yet.

I feel like this has gotten a bit lost and it is probably the most important piece.

This is all about sex. He has explicitly stated this. He doesn’t give a damn about the cleaning or tidying. He doesn’t care about the cloths in the sink or whatever. He wants more sex from you and he is deliberately being abusive and manipulative to try to get it. He is laying into you over every little thing, belittling you, and deliberately making more work for you because he wants more sex and he is hoping to break you down. He has actually said that he “wouldn’t care” about the other things if you gave in. That means that he doesn’t care about them in the first place. He is just using them to bully you.

You are not going to change this type of man. He is doing everything he can to coerce you into more sex. That is not someone that loves you.

You need to leave him and I think you know this. In the meantime though you need to stand up for yourself more, because being passive and not confronting him because you don’t want the children to notice is not working.

WTF is it expected that the woman sacrifices her career, life and probably her health every single bloody time? 🤬

@dimllaishebiaith is right - this is not an accidental state of affairs, it is abusive. I think you should post that on every MN thread forever.

I guess it’s good not to scream at him in front of the kids. But every single bullshit remark he makes I would say “I’m your wife not your subordinate / not your skivvy / not your punchbag”. His behaviour is VILE.

Focus on job for 6 weeks as best you can. Very very simple meals - scrambled eggs, baked beans, oven pizza, pasta and ready made sauce. Get your contract extended if you can.

Then go and see a solicitor. It’s time.

I would get great satisfaction from telling a bastard like this to fuck off, get out, I'm leaving you, pick up your own mess etc.

Don’t be me, I put up with this and so wish I’d left many years ago…

This changes a lot of our advice in the short term, I imagine. For the next 6 weeks, whatever it takes to retain that contract, do that. As above ready meals, disposable crockery, buy more pants if you haven't got time for laundry. Fuck what your husband says if he doesn't like it he can cook and clean.
It sounds like the biggest risk is that the kids might be ill and your cunt husband is never going to help you on that front - so is there literally anything else you could do to help? Any parent friends who might be willing to help as a short term fix.
Do whatever it takes to get through and then throw out the rubbish for good.

This, 1000%

Accept you're not coming for the next 6 weeks. Do an ocado order in, get some m and s ready meals and suck up the house being in whatever state for the next 6 weeks.

I really wish my kids would just get better but whatever virus they have is really dreadful.

My little one has been upset all day. Fever on and off. Not sure if I can send him to nursery tomorrow. He's had a fever on and off since Tuesday / Wednesday.

I've texted Nannies etc. I hope someone can come or this long bout of illnesses finally over.

My little one has been on antibiotics twice in the last three weeks too. It's been horrendous lately. I had this sort of situation the year before last before Christmas and I nearly lost it with exhaustion and worry and I didn't have a job.

I’m probably gonna get flamed for this but here goes…. You may have a huge salary between you, but you have no life, no life individually (his work pattern, your work and other jobs - house kids) you have no life as a couple, and no family time either and you both sound miserable for it. I absolutely do not condone the way he treats you, it’s disgusting. But for both of you your work pattern is such that you have no time or energy for anything else other than existence. My choice, and it’s not for everyone, would be to cut down on hours, both of you, if you loose the cleaners and be more organised with the food shop you won’t notice any difference in money. Have a day where you both sort the house for the week, and enjoy evenings and weekends as a family. Or at the very least you drop a day at work, you won’t miss the money with what you will save, and if if you do miss a little money, is ot really worth all this stress??

dont give up your job OP. From the sound of it you need your salary so you can leave this utterly appalling man

guve Up your job and you’ll be at the financial mercy of a man that has zero respect for you and you’ll be trapped

I don't think your post deserves flaming.

You're stating the obvious kind of thing in my opinion - is it all really worth it if you're just missable.

It's not to me.

He is working towards being able to change his hours. In fact it used to be worse. It's been better over the last 6 or so months.

Ignore this terrible advice.

He has no interest in family life. He wants the big salary and the appearance of a successful family life. He has absolutely no interest in doing anything to build that life.

If I were you, I’d think very carefully about giving up work or reducing your hours too much - you do not want to be in a position where you are financially dependant on your husband. Once you reduce hours/stop working, he will expect and demand that you do every single thing related to your children and keeping house. You need to have your own income and keep your career going, even if your contract is not renewed, you will need to find something else asap.

I think you have a major DH issue and he needs to be coming up with solutions, not blaming everything on you.

I have late diagnosed ADHD and I am going to list out some of the things that help me (I had a disciplinary- 90% of people with ADHD who have a disciplinary leave their job, I did not, I stayed and so far things are getting better).

• a daily schedule
• using a whiteboard
• having a mental rehearsal of the day ahead
• lists
• just start and do 10 mins
• make a list of what triggers you emotionally
• trying to reflect on what went well that day
• planning tools like mind mapping
• using what went wrong in that situation analysis and what would I do differently next time, and checking understanding in the moment - can I check I understand correctly you are asking me to do xyz (could lead onto interesting conversation about how your partner expects you to do it all???), and problem solving in the moment (try x solution, if not then y solution etc. until something works- this is important, one failed solution is not failure)
• re. flexibility, some people are okay with this, others prefer the same kinds of situations. If flexibility is an issue for you then to plan ahead for difficult situations. I am no expert but I sometimes think men can struggle with flexibility, especially with young kids, but your partner needs to be coming up with solutions too and put rigid gender ideas aside.
• being around positive people, if being positive is hard try just waiting half an hour before saying something (might work for him), post it reminders or positive quotes round the house.
• Goals - it may be that you want to leave eventually or to improve things, either way working toward goals requires all the executive function skills. And is often the hardest for people with ADHD for that reason. The things above may help - planning, controlling emotions, redesigning the plan when needed, sticking to small steps but also remove as many barriers as possible, automate as many decisions as possible, use visual reminders, verbal prompts (like Alexa). This is one area where it is highly recommended to get a coach. Some CBT or ADHD coaching may help.
• Doing things in short bursts - we love to get super focused with ADHD but it leads to exhaustion and burnout, so shorter building up to longer is better. Also, varying the type of task.

The bottom line with ADHD strategies is there are 3 options

• modify the environment
• modify the task
• get external support

Everyone has exec function skills so you can look at skill swapping if there is something a partner enjoys and you don't. Or if there is something they have to do but hate, them doing it in small tangible steps can help. Or you can both agree to work on something you both struggle with together. While neithers weaknesses should burden the other it's good to show understanding and not criticism if the other person knows they have a weakness and is working on it.

All of that comes with a caveat that there is no excuse for not being a supportive partner.

If possible it sounds you may need some sick leave for your own peace of mind.

I'm not sure why you don't leave him. You earn enough to live with the children independently. He'd either pay maintenance or do 50/50 (which seems an unlikely option). He is abusive and it can't be good for the children growing up in this setting.

Remember - the 40 hour week was invented in an era when there was someone else at home to look after the family and run the house. There's no model for both parents to be working full time without something having to be sacrificed. Would your DH rather that was your sanity, a few hours of his weekends, or accepting that things might not look like a show home? Cos you can't have it all when you're both working.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Just to start by saying HOW IMPRESSIVE you are to be doing everything you're doing. You really are. Everything you've talked about, how much You're covering, the PND, the stressful job, sick children. You are phenomenal. Well done!

I am really angry at your husband. It's not okay, and it's complete bs - most people have a lot more balance and not everyone has a stressful job. It's not okay he says that to you - and neither is how he's treating you.

Really don't beat yourself up about the deliveroo or quick shopping. Whatever helps you to function is worth it. Give yourself a break. Sometimes you're too tired to cook! You have so much on. It would probably be good to do a mega delivery of food that isn't going to go off - freezer, tins, jars, pasta. That really helps. Then just buy the stuff that goes off - fruit and veg locally.

It sounds like he is pretty much only a negative in your life - making harsh comments, offering zero support. You are basically a single parent but with extra work and emotional load from him. Know this, and know if he continues like this you already know things could be easier on your own.

Tell him you need Saturday mornings off. Use to lie in, catch up with friends. Say you need the time to recharge after all the night shifts. If he's not open to something small like this after you've explained why you need it that's not okay.

Good luck with your job. I really wouldn't reduce hours as it will lock you into the relationship and make it harder to get your career back. Really hope things get easier for you. You deserve a break and appreciation. You are doing really well

Oh this SO much.

You don't need cleaning tips and hacks. Honestly, do men go on forums and have other men share this shite? Like fuck they do.

It is so depressing to read responses giving cleaning, meal planning and organising tips. Why the fuck is this her job? Drop a day? Go part time? Give up work? Jeez. Her husband is a misogynistic prick. She needs to hug that six figure wfh job to her chest. Fully WFH! Six fucking figures. How many of us would love that? She has employers who value her, she is clearly an accomplished, educated woman.

OP - your husband is a twat. You can do this, you can be in control and live a decent life. It's not you. He's sapping any leftover energy you have. You can soar, without him. Fly free.

Totally agree @TheDogIsInCharge

Ditch the husband, keep the job if she possibly can!

It's really hard to hold down a job when you have sick kids but it's not like he is any help whatever.

Even more depressing is OP seems completely determined neither to see this or address it.