You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

So really you and the kids are just another accessory to bolster his 'pride' in having a 'successful life'?
I have just read all your posts OP and quite honestly I am horrified and can't quite believe what I've just read. He is treating you like a domestic servant with benefits at best and a domestic appliance generally.
I'm really worried that you are heading for a complete nervous breakdown and when that happens then what? He will be very put out that his domestic appliance has broken and what about his 'standing'? How is that going to reflect on him will be his biggest concern? There will no support for you and he'll start looking around for a new domestic appliance.

The problem with these men and their big bollocks jobs is that they see no further than the end of their dicks which are most often held (metaphorically) in their own hands continuously. I also very much doubt that he actually needs to work such long hours but chooses to as it makes him look soooo good at his job and soooo dedicated to all the other big bollock swingers around him.

In your case OP I would look at getting a housekeeper a few days a week to organise household stuff and do food shopping etc which may actually almost pay for itself once you get the food bill situation under control.
Also get an ADHD assessment done and look at CBT or medication for it. I have ADHD and it is a nightmare to stay on track with organisation.
The kids being sick have piled on enormous pressure and you are doing the best you can but you are being hobbled by the one person who is supposed to support you, cherish you and share the burdens kids bring - he's the biggest failure here not you.

I'm really happy with my cleaners ! They're great.

That's another thing H berates me about actually. Sometimes he'll say ' ask them to do XYZ ' and god forbid I forget one of the things on the list. It doesn't sit well with him at all. Oh also trades people. He hates how I deal with trades people. Apparently I'm incapable of getting much right !

So he does nothing at the weekend either?

You have some serious thinking to do

So you're paying so that you don't have a complete breakdown and he's happy to watch?

Oh please. You have options. Please take them

I can honestly say that I hate your H and I have never met him. I hate that men like him do this to women.
Fuck it it OP get a divorce but get ALL those ducks in a row first.

OP, when he complains about something, hand it to him. "I'm not doing your washing how you like it? You'd better take over." "You feel I spend too much on the shopping? Let's plan meals together and see if we can reduce the cost." "I'm not dealing with x person how you would? Here's their contact details."

@doyoulikeflowers

You’re being abused. Your husband is a dickhead. He’s cruel and uncaring, he takes on no emotional labour, barely lifts a finger around the house and has got you snowed with a financial split that allows him to save a fortune while you’re paying to run the household.

Stop blaming yourself for not being superwoman, do not quit your job, stop doing anything for his laundry etc. Start working out what needs to change in order for you to stay in this marriage. I’d suggest as a start that all household income is split after bills are paid so you can have equal savings.

Right food shopping and meal planning

i worked 50-60 hour weeks often. Husband was good cook, even kids would cook by time in teans so that wasn’t issue.

but meal planning and “what’s for tea”, and shopping was doing my head in

I ok 2 days off work. I sat down and wrote out an 8 week rolling menu for ALL meals. 8 weeks I figured was long enough for people to look forward to a particular dish coming up. I balanced the menu with pasta, rice, pots, fish, vegetarian, meat etc. some favourites went in a couple of times. I kept this system for over 17 years. I occasionally swapped a meal in and out with a new thing. Occasionally we’d go off piste especially at weekend. We didn’t have a lot of money so eating out was a rare treat, and takeaways limited to once a fortnight.

once the menu was done, I wrote a shopping list for each weeks ingredients needed. Yep, it took a lot of time to do. I did in excel cos I’m a bit of a 🤓🤣🤣

but jeez it was worth the effort. I delegated shopping to my husband, he’d do it on line in his lunch break. Again, I outsourced shopping to delivery service as I was buggered if I was going shopping on my precious weekends.

no more having to think what was fo dinner. Husband and me split days we’d cook for that week, and kids would sometime cook a meal at weekend as they got older (both DS and now excellent cooks! They tell me what I do wrong 😳🤣🤣)

have a think about this. Yep it’s an effort to come up with first time, but seriously means you can dump it as a task of emotional labour then…it runs itself.

It would be cheaper to have a supermarket delivery 6 months or 1 year, as long as you have £40 approx in your basket you can check out and can edit / add to the basket up to 11pm the day before delivery. I usually book the time slot and check out earlier in the week to secure the slot and then keep adding and checking out again up till the day before.

This is no way to live OP.

In similar circumstances, I left my DP, and honestly, it was the best thing I ever did, as much as I didn't want the family to split.

These sorts of men rely on the fact that a lot of women want to keep their families together, to continue in this cycle. Unfortunately this type of man gets worse over time, not better, no matter what you do, and you will never have enough hours in the day to do everything that he is expecting you to, to the standard that he is expecting you to, because he has unrealistic expectations.

If he won't go to counselling/therapy, he is very unlikely to change and you'll continue tying yourself in knots trying to do everything until you have a breakdown.

@Shutting it really does bother me about the misogynistic pig - if you read all of my comments, you'll see me talk about how this is not a partnership, unfair balances etc.

But for some people, they may see that per later, but not yet, and need to get through without losing their minds in the process. So rather than piling on with others, I was mostly trying to give a few things that could help a busy household remain functional in the meantime. And for OP to make a small window of time for herself.

You seem to have not noticed that you are doing TWO full time jobs, the one that pays you money and the one running the house and kids. Your husband undermining you at every turn is adding to your exhaustion.
Maybe you could take a month’s break with your parents to reassess and take stock.
Your husband is basically a lazy , selfish man. It’s unlikely that he is going to make much effort to see his children if you separate.
Please stop worrying about his feelings, he’s not thinking about yours at all.

I feel that you are trying so so hard with him but look ahead to the future, eg do you want to be still in the same position this time next year, your relationship unchanged as it looks it will be, despite your best efforts?

You obviously earn quite well. If you don’t love him, get to a solicitor. You won’t have him on your case about the house, you look after the kids anyway and it will be easier once they start school.

Did I read that your kids could be dual nationality? I still wouldn’t let that be a barrier to getting back to somewhere ie near your mum, where you have some help. I might have got this part of your post wrong (keeping up w it has some feat!).

But I so feel for you, hear the utter desperation. It doesn’t have to be this way. Life as a single mum is hard but at least you won’t be kept to account by your partner pointing out your housekeeping “failings”.

Best of wishes sweetheart. I know it’s tough when one is down and trying their best.

They're hearing and seeing him treat you like this though and you will end up with 2 young adults speaking to you like you're a useless mum who can't do anything right.

OP - your husband is awful - I can’t find a kind way of saying that .

I remember having little kids and trying to juggle it all . I remember keeping going on adrenaline.

I also remember our relationship being a bit up and down when the kids were small too . Nothing however like you seem to be putting up with.

Ive not read the whole thread so others may have already suggested it . I do think you need to get to the GP to check there isn’t something else contributing to your extreme tiredness . Once you get the all clear please have a serious think about your future with this man

Having read your updates I think you'd be a lot happier without him dragging you down all the time, my teens are more self-sufficient and appreciative than this grown man is, they at least put their own clothes away and don't moan if I haven't sorted it into their basket yet and they have to rummage themselves.

His attitude towards you is awful. He does seem to have bypassed understanding that things are the way they are because you are run into the ground and just think it's incompetence, in my experience that's a personality fault and it won't change, well my ex did admit he should have seen and helped more but this came 7 years after we split and as I didn't want to be back together I didnt see if there was any real change. I am 100% happier out of that relationship, yes everything is still on you and even more so but you're happier because he is not draining you and no mental energy has to go accommodating him.

It sounds like you're the only one making sacrifices, what sacrifices is he making?

Weekends are free time for both of you, so why are you the only one doing housework then?

On to more practical help for you, you need to get a regular supermarket delivery, twice a week if you can't plan more than a few days in advance, make it easy things that don't take much time or energy or slow cook things you don't have to stand over.

I also like this YouTuber called Remi Clog, she has ADHD and makes cleaning videos with tips, she's also great and affirming to listen to and not beat yourself up about how other people seem to manage while you struggle.

I just want to give you a hug. He sounds abusive to me and you sound like you are burnt out. I felt that reading through this thread. I just can't imagine how he thinks this is all YOUR responsibility. Your situation reminds me exactly of a friend of mine who eventually divorced her dh. Eventually she lost respect and couldn't stomach the sight of him.

Hi OP

It all sounds really tough. Big hug first off. I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you need some time to think. Writing down
everything here is really helpful. I had a husband who treated me in a similar way. Posting on here was the first step to ordering my thoughts and seeing it really wasn’t okay.

once the kids are well go to the gp if you can and get signed off work for two weeks or if not possible still go to doctor and take as many days off as you can from work. Being really tired can be a sign of depression. I’m not saying this is your case only a doctor can diagnose but it is a possibility. See if you need anti depressants- after posting on here last year it was my motivation to go to the doctor. She referred me to other doctor who diagnosed depression and started anti depressants. I now feel able to think clearly it’s taken nearly a year.

My soon to be ex husband decided he was leaving me. To tell you the truth it was for the best. I felt trapped and didn’t know what to do before as I could never meet his demands for affection.

if you want to split up after your head is clearer then start planning. Other people are right you cannot move your children abroad with out other parent’s permission. But could you ask dh to move out to give you space or rent somewhere by yourself?

only you can decide if you want to end your marriage- good luck and look after yourself.

Ltb

Sounds like he’s financially abusive and coercive.

What you really need is not in your hands- he should step up. While you take some time to think about that, set up a weekly meal plan.
Monday, salmon and couscous.
Tuesday, chilli
etc.

Do an online shop for those things, and get it delivered.

Then do the same thing, same meals, every week until you have recovered some head space. If he complains say it will be staying the same until you get decent sleep every night for a week and he takes the DC out all day Sunday so you can batch cook.

And stick to it.

There are a few tricks to life, when things are tough.
Simplify simplify simplify- all washing goes in together on a low temp. Pack away whites and delicates for a while.
Don’t listen to or try and please other people. All you need to do is look after yourself and your DC. That’s more than enough. He can look after himself and the house. Sounds fair to me. He can pay for the cleaner too, as he doesn’t want to do it.

Yes im also thinking you need to organise a leave from work, go see your parents and get some rest, and make it clear that things need to change if/when you come back.

My ex said that exact same phrase to me 16 years ago.. I kicked him out that night and we’ve never seen him or heard from him ever again,

good riddance to bad trash

The issue is that I'm facing losing my job anyway at the moment.

I have around 6 weeks before my contract gets renewed or not and it's looking like it might not, as my performance has been so bad.

Unless I really do one final push now, I don't see it being renewed.

If the kids continue to be unwell for the next few weeks, then I think I can forget a renewal. So I can't really take any time off at the moment. I'm already on thin ice.

As it stands now OP you are struggling massively but you do need to do what others have suggested which is to start pushing back.
For example, the breakfast table - he's made/left the mess tell him to clear it up. He complains about his shirts - push back and tell him to deal with it himself. He complains about the mess push back and point out the mess he has made himself. He complains about his meals - then tell him to cook and clean up after himself. Whatever he complains about just push back and say well sort it yourself because 'he' says whatever is not good enough so he must do it for himself then he has no reason to complain as it has become his responsibility. Push back and grey rock him!! Just switch off to his gaslighting you!!
I'd be telling him to get lodgings near where he works and come home at weekends because then you would have less to do running around after him and your life would be much easier if he wasn't around complaining all the time!! Then he can have the kids while you take off for some me time on the weekends.

@doyoulikeflowers your husband is horrific. Tell him you’re ill and HE can hire a housekeeper to keep the house to his standards. Get your parents to come over if possible, asap, concentrate on your job and tell him he’s an adult and he can sort everything he’s not happy with. Especially his own bloody socks and laundry basket.