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AIBU?

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Original poster

You're not the only mum who works full time...

988 replies

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:30

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

OP posts:
Everydayimhuffling · 03/03/2024 11:32

Are those savings joint, or are they his? If they are only his then you seriously need to get out as soon as possible.

Tabitha005 · 03/03/2024 11:33

If I were you, I'd be streamlining the family finances and stashing away cash in a fund to support myself and the children when I leave my horrible shit of a husband.

He sounds absolutely awful and your life would improve ten fold just by being away from his nagging, gaslighting and belittling.

Everydayimhuffling · 03/03/2024 11:37

Also, what is he doing from 8.30 until he goes to bed, bearing in mind that you seem to get no free time to yourself at all?

Shhhhivegotasecret · 03/03/2024 11:38

Honestly - I have been where you are with the totally useless husband holding me to unrealistic standards whilst I held down a 6 figure salary. My resentment for him was palpable - I literally couldn’t stand him. As an aside I was the higher earner as well as doing all house and kids stuff (he also had never once got up in the night with two non sleeping children). I divorced him and now my life is immeasurably better, oh and I have also doubled my salary since divorce as funnily enough life without him was much easier and I was so much happier. The dc have two nights a week with him so I also now have time to myself. You are in a better position as he is also a high earner.

RandomMess · 03/03/2024 11:43

You need him to pay for a housekeeper/home help whilst you are so unwell.

He is absolutely taking the piss being nasty and derogatory whilst you work full time and do it all and are very obviously unwell.

Can you take time off work and go visit your parents again whilst you recover? Or them come and visit you and he pays for their tickets?

Sotiredmjmmy · 03/03/2024 11:48

The 8pm bedtime won’t be helping. You may well need it but it’s not normal and will be putting more pressure in other areas. Is there anything you can do to tackle that? Even extending it an hour would make a big difference.

If you are working full time, say til 6pm, then kids home and dealing with their bedtime you are giving yourself zero time to do anything in the evenings, for yourself or the house. It would be easier to stay on top of organising things etc if some time in the evening. Also from your DH’s perspective he may well be aware there is a reason you’re in bed, but he comes home and everyone’s in bed, you must not see him at all Monday-Friday so no communication between you on how the day has gone, why something is how it is, and he’s coming home seeing some tasks not done so easy for him to jump to conclusion (possibly wrongly) that you aren’t working as hard as him as he’s not in bed and it is early evening.

I am not saying he is reasonable in thinking that, but it may not be helping his opinion.

Or if the early bedtime is essential and can’t be changed anytime soon then tackle with him that means extra help is needed as you don’t have the extra 3 hours each evening that your otherwise would have.

Runaway1 · 03/03/2024 11:50

He controls you with his nastiness. No wonder you’re sick, you’re sleep-deprived and stressed from living with someone who seems to think he’s your boss, not your partner. You both work, so all housework should be split 50:50. Ask HIM where YOUR socks are!

Seriously though, get a weekly online shop as suggested to make YOUR life easier. And start thinking very hard about what he actually brings to your life.

Original poster
doyoulikeflowers · 03/03/2024 11:57

Sotiredmjmmy · 03/03/2024 11:48

The 8pm bedtime won’t be helping. You may well need it but it’s not normal and will be putting more pressure in other areas. Is there anything you can do to tackle that? Even extending it an hour would make a big difference.

If you are working full time, say til 6pm, then kids home and dealing with their bedtime you are giving yourself zero time to do anything in the evenings, for yourself or the house. It would be easier to stay on top of organising things etc if some time in the evening. Also from your DH’s perspective he may well be aware there is a reason you’re in bed, but he comes home and everyone’s in bed, you must not see him at all Monday-Friday so no communication between you on how the day has gone, why something is how it is, and he’s coming home seeing some tasks not done so easy for him to jump to conclusion (possibly wrongly) that you aren’t working as hard as him as he’s not in bed and it is early evening.

I am not saying he is reasonable in thinking that, but it may not be helping his opinion.

Or if the early bedtime is essential and can’t be changed anytime soon then tackle with him that means extra help is needed as you don’t have the extra 3 hours each evening that your otherwise would have.

The 8 pm bed time consistently has been a more recent development. Usually I'm up when he's home but go to bed quite soon after.

We always talk on the phone when he's on his way home and discuss the day.

I probably see him at some point at night though, 2-3 times a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
doyoulikeflowers · 03/03/2024 11:57

Everydayimhuffling · 03/03/2024 11:32

Are those savings joint, or are they his? If they are only his then you seriously need to get out as soon as possible.

His

OP posts:
laclochette · 03/03/2024 12:00

doyoulikeflowers · 03/03/2024 11:57

His

Show quote history

Massive red flag.

Marriage is, or should be, a partnership.

The definition of a partnership is that both parties are equally exposed to, and benefit from, the upsides and the downsides.

That doesn't necessarily mean both parties get identical things, but they should experience it equally.

If he is able to save and you aren't, he should be covering more of the household costs. It's that simple.

Original poster
doyoulikeflowers · 03/03/2024 12:02

@laclochette I get that. He argues that I can save because I don't budget properly.

And he's kind of right there, unfortunately.

I need to sort that out.

OP posts:
Original poster
doyoulikeflowers · 03/03/2024 12:03

He argues I can't save, is what I meant to write.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 03/03/2024 12:04

Tell him to pay for a nanny and start to eork outside the home. Save your money and divorce.

laclochette · 03/03/2024 12:05

@doyoulikeflowers It isn't everyone's strong suit, but it sounds to me like you are struggling to find the cognitive space or energy/time to budget.

Creating that space for you to do that task is as much his responsibility as yours.

If you need to set aside 2 hours every Sunday to meal plan, place orders, run the weekly budget vs the monthly budget and so forth, how can he help you have that time (take the kids out etc).

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 03/03/2024 12:06

Take a day off work either sick or otherwise. Leave the kids in daycare and sort your finances … set up a shopping list online so you can easily have a weekly shop and start saving… so you can leave this bully….

But I doubt you will everyone is asking why are you still there and you’ve avoided answering 🤔

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/03/2024 12:07

Are the bills shared proportionately to earnings?
What % of the household income do you contribute and what % of the household outgoings do you pay?

Do you have equal disposable income?
Do you have equal free time?

Ask yourself why does your DH expect you to tolerate a fundamentally unfair relationship? Why are you expected to suffer to bolster his ego driven “look how well we are doing” scenario?

WardrobesAreFull · 03/03/2024 12:07

In your situation I’d leave him. Or if you really want it to work I’d throw even more money at it e.g. get a nanny and housekeeper.

To be honest I actually don’t think I know anyone with young kids working those kind of hours and earning that kind of money who doesn’t have a nanny? It’s just not really doable.

I’d leave him though.

Original poster
doyoulikeflowers · 03/03/2024 12:08

laclochette · 03/03/2024 12:05

@doyoulikeflowers It isn't everyone's strong suit, but it sounds to me like you are struggling to find the cognitive space or energy/time to budget.

Creating that space for you to do that task is as much his responsibility as yours.

If you need to set aside 2 hours every Sunday to meal plan, place orders, run the weekly budget vs the monthly budget and so forth, how can he help you have that time (take the kids out etc).

Edited

Absolutely true and I need to be disciplined to not let food go off when I don't feel like cooking / making a mess and cleaning it up. That's unfortunately what happens. Hence I don't like to buy too much food in advance, as I never know what my energy levels will be like and whether I'll want to cook it. Sometimes I have the mind to freeze stuff before it goes off.

I for try Gousto and hello fresh and I even found that annoying and wouldn't always cook the meals and end up with lost left over.

Also he didn't like the recipes. Then I would always forget to actually choose what I wanted in my box and I would end up with a random box I didn't really like etc. so I stopped that. But maybe I need to try that once more and just consistently stay on top of it. I could save a hell of a lot of money.

OP posts:
Original poster
doyoulikeflowers · 03/03/2024 12:09

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 03/03/2024 12:06

Take a day off work either sick or otherwise. Leave the kids in daycare and sort your finances … set up a shopping list online so you can easily have a weekly shop and start saving… so you can leave this bully….

But I doubt you will everyone is asking why are you still there and you’ve avoided answering 🤔

I did answer.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/03/2024 12:10

doyoulikeflowers · 03/03/2024 12:02

@laclochette I get that. He argues that I can save because I don't budget properly.

And he's kind of right there, unfortunately.

I need to sort that out.

How can you budget properly when you are exhausted? You are in survival mode and his answer seems to be doyoulike just do more.
Does he pay 2/3rds of the household expenses?

What is he planning to do to help?

laclochette · 03/03/2024 12:13

@doyoulikeflowers It does take a bit of time to settle into it. I have a reminder on my calendar every week to just nip into the app and select the recipes so I don't end up with random things I don't like. And it took me a while to figure out how many meals I actually tended to get through each week to limit waste. But assuming you need to eat every day, I can't see why you wouldn't use the food that's there. Do you just skip meals sometimes? That won't be helping energy levels.

If you are providing meals and cooking, even with a recipe box, apart from basic cleaning as you cook, surely it's on him to do the cleaning up post dinner. "If one person cooks, the other washes up" is such a standard maxim in my household that I honestly assumed it was just one of the rules of the universe, like gravity!

Again, if your husband doesn't like the meals you pick, then it's on him to either give you very clear guidance as to what he will eat, or pick the menu himself. It takes 3 mins to click on some meals in an app, he can do it on his commute or while waiting for a meeting to begin!

LadyDancealot · 03/03/2024 12:14

CarrotOfPeace · 02/03/2024 19:41

He can wash his clothes. You wash yours.

This. You mention outsourcing of shirt ironing. Unless they're your shirts, don't give them another thought. He can sort that one himself. In 'high pressure' environments (unless he's Dr.), shirt/laundry delivery services come to the offices. Ditto supper/food for him; he'd be doing it for himself if he were single so let him crack on.

BiddyPop · 03/03/2024 12:15

I'd quite happily bet that if you were to start tracking your expenses (as a way to slowly build up to actual budgeting), you would see that the majority of YOUR money is spent on family. But that if you were to ask him to do the same, that wouldn't be true.

And it would probably also show a very badly imbalanced budget in terms of how much you each put into the family pot - whether in absolute cash terms or in proportion to each of your earnings.

Gloriosaford · 03/03/2024 12:20

I think I would pretend, generally placate him, bide my time but work on a plan in the background and leave when I could.
Let him feel as if I have surrendered and stopped fighting him, then he might ease up a bit. But you haven't surrendered, you are just using your energy more strategically and for your long-term benefit.

AteAllTheBourbons · 03/03/2024 12:20

Have either of you got emergency childcare provision through work? Even if not, when the kids can't get to nursery you should be able to get emergency at-home childcare on 300k+ income. Although I guess if this would fall to you to fund it may not be so simple as it is quite expensive (300/day iirc) if not funded.