You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

Why? Why shouldn’t her husband find the solution and work less and help more at home? Why are you telling the wife she needs to get a ‘domestic’ in so the man doesn’t have to take any responsibility at all??

Why does she have to be in charge of the domestic stuff and her work? Whilst the Important Man just has to do his Important Job????

People on MN really have sexist views and ‘advice’. Even the women here.

He doesn't want me to not work or go part time. He likes that I earn good money and he thinks I should just continue. Apparently we are a cut above the rest - with how much we both work and the huge sacrifices we make. That's what it takes if you want to be very successful. That's how he sees things.

What sacrifices is he making?

I get that you are busy and that life has worn you down. But you need to take control of your life and that of your children and stop this passive mindset.

Posting here has been the first step. Enough of this life. You deserve better.

Yeah he saves money. He earns more than double what I earn.

The "You" was meant to reference the op as a family unit. I wasn't referring to it being the OPs responsibility to sort out. It's a family issue clearly. Am I being sexist by suggesting THEY need a domestic ? Maybe it was just my choice of language, my bad

OP I just wanted to say solidarity and please don’t feel like a failure - everything you say about work, children, house, food shopping, chores etc is exactly like me, I do my best too but there is no way I could ever be on top of it all, I don’t think anyone can manage all of that in an organised and polished way without a team of helpers or a significantly less full on job.

Somehow your DH needs to realise that and together come up with a plan for how to tackle it. It is not for you alone to sort it, you know that and it seems you’ve tried, somehow got to find a way for him to get it. It probably still won’t be perfect but it absolutely should not fall all to you or be blamed for it.

Sorry again, but I don't F believe this.
Please leave.
When I stopped "putting out" at 42, my husband just said "I would like to have sex with you, but it's not as important as to throw away the marriage".
Bloody hell.

You've honestly read all of the OP's posts and it's the husband you feel sorry for?! Dear god.

He needs to pay for someone to his share of the domestic load, so he pays for a housekeeper and his shirts and more cleaning hours.

Can you find the strength to push back.

Every time you do "something wrong" like shopping, meal planning, insurance say "ok, you do it then on a weekend whilst I can clean up after you and the kids".

Yes. I succeeded and have a care free life.

You're not shit at all. You're tired and overwhelmed. He sounds absolutely disgusting, and you sound like you're at the end of your tether. I'm a single parent of 2 and work FT (nurse), and my life sounds infinitely easier and less stressful than yours. Ok, my kids are older (and that does help). I'm so angry that he is treating you like this! I'd second the idea of a housekeeper or a second day of the cleaners coming by to sort the laundry/admin.

For short term:
Do you have enough freezer space to buy in some Cook meals (or some nicer pre-made meals)? I'd do that in first instance to just take the stress of you figuring out food shops (and cooking). FWIW I can't afford a cleaner or to outsource laundry, but I have bought in gadgets that make my life easier. I have a slow cooker and bung stuff in there, an airfryer, Thermomix and a robovac. I was given a bread maker. Back when my kids were little, I'd use a day each month to batch cook and freeze stuff (when my eldest was tiny, it was just me and him, but I carried this habit on when my youngest was born). I don't always have time to cook during week, so when I do have the time, I will tend to cook enough to freeze extra portions for future so that saves me time and replenishes what I have in my freezer. For laundry, I do a wash as soon as there's enough in the laundry basket and then make the kids help with sorting it out (I used to have just a dedicated "laundry day" and that didn't work well for me!). Dishwasher goes on at night and I make the kids help out with that too. My XH didn't do a lot at home at all (he did make a mess and then complain about things!), so I remember how hard that was.

Maybe for the meal prep/food buying, do something like this: scrap the cooking boxes for the time being. Have pizza and salad one night (just buy them in from supermarket), soup and salad one night (buy it in!), takeaway one night, then Cook (or other decent pre made meals) on other nights, then there's no pissing about and less wastage.

For long term:
this whole thing just sounds unsustainable. You "D"H can't or won't think beyond his own wants and needs. He wants a Stepford Wife. The fact that you've been able to keep up your job and do that whilst juggling kids (and everything else) is something to be celebrated. He should be bloody grateful to you, for all you do, not treating you like shit. Everything you're doing, facilitates HIS ability to work and he shouldn't forget it. My DF was born in the '30's, very old school and traditional upbringing etc (and he had a Big Important Job), but he treated my DM with respect and gratitude for everything she did, and when he was home/not at work, he got on and did whatever he could to help around the house and with us kids (my DP had four kids). When he wasn't at home (he also worked stupid hours and often overseas), he made sure that she got whatever help she needed. He encouraged her to go out and see friends, have her own hobbies, or go and stay with her family (overseas), and he'd look after us. Ok, he could barely cook, and didn't know how to operate the washing machine (but he would outsource that or take us out for meals!!). He never let anyone forget just how important Mum was and how much she did for all of us. My DB and DSIL work FT, and they divvy up chores and equally parent their kids. That's how things should be, not like my XH, or like your husband. What do you want? How do you want things to pan out? I think you're bloody amazing, doing all that you do, but remember that you're just human and you have to look after yourself too. x

Fair play to you, though I think bragging about it might get some envious remarks..

I just think if I was him and I loved my wife and understood the burden she was under, as well as the burden I was under - I wouldn't complain about not finding socks or whatever or repeatedly say that the house is a mess.

I would try and sort it out as much as I could and if I didn't have the energy- I would suggest getting a nanny in for a day at the weekend sometimes, or an extra cleaner etc. I wouldn't put it all down to my wife's incompetence. Which is what I feel he does. He literally never comes with solutions that involve anything other than me sucking it up and killing myself even more. I did have a nanny before by the way. Only to cover my core working hours and I found it stressful to work from home with both kids at home, it didn't work.

He would never suggest- come on- today we'll go to the supermarket together and think about the meals we'll eat next week etc. he just wouldn't ever do that.

Or, I'll have a look through the clean laundry baskets and pick out all my socks for next week. Nada. Won't do it.

He is a pig. A mean, abusive pig. Issues with sex, housework, abusive and insulting. Life is too short to out up with this crap.

so he wanted a high earning broodmare who grew his babies, facilitated him saving his money and also does 100% of the domestic labour, and the mental load of outsourcing it.

you should be absolutely cherished.

he isn’t doing that.

How much is your DH actually generating work for you?

The reason I ask is that I left my P when I had baby twins and became a single parent and stayed one for 6 years. I worked full time throughout. It surprised me how much easier it was managing a household when I didn't have another adult creating mess/laundry, etc. That's not why I left him but it made me adamant I'd never pick up after another adult ever again and I haven't.

I have a very demanding job. I have stints where I work the hours your DH does. It's incompatible with family life and strong relationships if it's sustained over a long period of time. There's a reason so many high flyers end up in miserable marriages or divorce. You have to make time to prioritise your children and partner regularly. I'm not surprised you feel neglected.

From his perspective though, being in bed already when he gets home is likely to feed his feelings that you don't work as hard as he does.

It's as it is, not without sacrifices.
Sorry, really nothing to brag about. Personal choice.

Almost every post you are focusing on what he should be doing or what you would do if you were him. This is very clearly not going to happen, he’s not a reasonable human being. As someone else has pointed out, either you are just ranting with no real desire to try to change. Or you can make a conscious decision that enough is enough - you are not going to live like this and you are not going to allow this to affect your children. With the salaries you both earn it will be no issue to have two separate households. If I were you I would set up somewhere to live and get yourself sorted without even telling him. Then once you’re ready to move you can announce it and do it immediately. If possible, get your parents over to help at that point.

From his perspective though, being in bed already when he gets home is likely to feed his feelings that you don't work as hard as he does.

I don't get this at all.

If I see a grown woman in her relatively prime years, sleeping every night from 8 pm, I would think she's doing too much, not too little.

It's not actually normal for a person to need to sleep at that time to be able to function.

Something is wrong. He knows that. My health isn't good. He knows that. The only way I can function at all, is to get an early night.

You need to leave him and stop giving yourself excuses not to.

OP on a practical note have you considered a meal kit service like Gousto. It would work out at less than £5 per portion and I cannot tell you how glorious it is not to have to think about what to have for dinner, what that means I need to buy, and finding the time. I just pick the dinners that sound good in the app each week, it just all arrives on Monday and dinner for the week ahead is sorted.

You still need to leave this abusive selfish man but in the interim it would relieve some stress and also probably save you a lot of money on inefficient grocery shops. You can put that money into your "leaving my husband" pot.

Meanwhile back in the real world .....

Oh OP you sound at the end of your tether. It's so difficult when you have little ones and your DH sounds worse than useless. Ultimately only he can decide if he's willing to pull his weight at home and take some of the pressure off you. If not, then you need to decide whether to stay with him or not.

For the time being though, from a practical point of view, can you sit down on, say, a Sunday evening and do a meal plan and shopping list together? Then you know what the plan is for the week and only need to buy stuff that you need that week. I'd go shopping on a Monday night when he gets home - he can stay with the DC and you get a bit of time to yourself. Or order it to be delivered one evening. Always good to have freezer bits in for when you can't be bothered. And the slow cooker is amazing for things like chilli, spag bol etc. We use it when we're all eating a different times so can plate up when we want to.

I think he is going to have to realise that it's nigh on impossible to keep the house tidy while you have 2 under 5 - it's easier as they get older but he needs to lower his standards for at least the next 2-4 years. Or tidy it himself.

If you earn 6 figures, there are definitely ways to make it easier.

As others have said, set up a weekly repeating food delivery order that you can add to - but put all the basics in there and don't be afraid of repetition in your/DC meals once it's nutritious - pesto pasta, beans on toast, scrambled eggs with tomato or smoked salmon, curry using a jar of sauce, already prepared veg for stir fries etc.

And build some basics in the freezer - working long hours I found a bag of frozen uncooked prawns was great to add to sauces, chicken breast frozen singly defrost faster than 2/3 in a bag (buy in big packs then freeze individually in zip locks as saves both money and space that way). Frozen veg are fine, but especially o add to stir fry type meals or steam in a hurry.

Perhaps ask him to take the DCs out one weekend afternoon once a month - for the specific purpose of "feeding the freezer". Be organised in advance with food shopping etc. But start by peeling a bunch of onions and chop using food processor and get those slowly sweating - then take out what needs garlic and ginger and leave behind what only needs garlic. Work your way through maybe 3 or 4 recipes that the family would eat and do 2 dinners worth of each - but be smart. One month, do a couple of meals like shepherds pie and a fish or chicken pie that needs mash or some fish cakes - so you start with a big pot of potatoes for mashing split across a few recipes. A basic tomato sauce can be split between spaghetti Bol and chilli with different seasonings added. Or a big batch of an Italian tomato sauce can make spaghetti Bol and lasagna, and maybe even some plain tomato to add some posh sausages or bacon lardons and veggies to another night. Basic onion, garlic and ginger base can be turned into chilli and lots of different curries (both Indian and Thai) - and even having just that onion "mush" frozen can save a lot of time midweek so a curry is not a daunting option.

If laundry is done by person, and DH doesn't keep his clothes storage neat, then tell him you will arrange getting things clean but it's up to him to put his clothes away. But that he also needs to help with it until DCs are old enough to do their own.

If he has concerns about how you are being told to deal with a particular company, by that company, hand over that job to him to deal with. Let him pay some of those bills. Because you should not end up with no money and no savings on a 6 figure salary - you should both have decent savings even with throwing money as household chores solutions.

And for toys, start by getting space for those organised with lots of drawers or boxes for different types of toys and getting DCs used to getting out 1 thing to play with, and putting that away before playing with something else. Have the boxes/drawers at a low enough level so they can reach and put them away themselves. Show them how and make that a game, so it becomes automatic.

And start tackling his lie ins - send DCs in to spend time with Daddy as they see him so little at weekends - maybe they could bring him some toast and juice and a storybook to read to them...so it's obviously about them spending time together. Not about you "getting a break". Once he is up, you go out to do chores out of the house and leave the DCs at home - yes do the chores but also take some time to yourself to browse the library for books, get a coffee, take an hour to visit a gallery or shop or have a proper walk - something that "fills YOUR bucket" instead of just being a working mammy and housewife.

If you are cleaning at night, ask him to empty the dishwasher or repack school bags or sweep the floor while you wash up ..he is supposedly your Partner but it seems from what you've written that he expects you to be his skivvy and he is the Lord and Master. There's an imbalance of power going on.

And 1 more practical thing from me - I always found cleaning the bathroom was a hard job, especially as it started with going downstairs to find the cleaning spray and bleach and into the hot press for the cloths. And then put everything away afterwards.

I started keeping a bottle of spray and 1 of bleach in the bathroom upstairs and a stack of cloths. So when I hopped out from a shower, it was very easy to clean the bathroom in a couple of minutes and even easier when it was already hot and steamy. The only thing I had to do after was put the wet cloth in the wash.

There was another bottle of each downstairs to do the kitchen and the downstairs bathroom.

And if the washing machine is sometimes full and cleaning cloths sometimes need to sit before they get washed, get some kind of container that they can sit in out of sight rather than in the sink - it might be pandering to him but it allows you to manage the laundry as well as possible - unless he wants to take that over altogether to make sure the cloths are done in existent, but I somehow can't see him rushing to take up that option!