You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

He's not the only dad who works full time, either.
Has he considered this?!
You both work full time. Just because you WFH doesn't mean you don't work.
A commute does eat into free time but his attitude is disgusting.

So all of this is what HE is saying you're like.

On the other hand, someone values you enough to pay you a six figure salary. That's like the top 1% of the country. Amazing stuff. You must be smart and conscientious and good at what you do. Not at all what he says you are.

Please please go for some counselling to find your strength and recognise this man has been abusing you for years. It will be hard for escape him but you can do it and your children will thank you for it

@doyoulikeflowers You need to leave him. He doesn't bring anything to the table. I think you'll find your work load decreases significantly once he's gone. At least you would know that your on your own and you wouldn't have the constant put downs. With him making a divorce your fault, everything in your relationship and household is already your fault. I don't see what difference it would make.

I think you need to get a nanny / housekeeper. Maybe you could get the cleaners to do a massive deep clean as well. You need to get to grips with your food spend because frankly it's obscene and you could be saving that money for your kids. Could you pay for annual delivery fee for asda. Then you could do quick online shops for a few days at a time. Also have a few ready meals on the freezer. I've started to double a recipe and freeze half for a quick meal later in the month.

And this is why I never had kids and married someone 20 years ago who would enable me not to "go to work".
Had it sorted since the age of 13.
Sorry, OP. 💐

"He was really pissed off at me, saying I always get stuff wrong and he can't rely on me."

This is deliberate to keep you permanently on your toes and him in charge.

Why is this all on you? Seriously? You are in essence a single parent with the addition of a nasty man at the weekend who treats you as a slave.

why are you cleaning his dinner plates - that lack of respect alone is disgusting.

you earn 6 figures which is more than enough to live off alone with 2 children. You would have a Much better life if you went down that route than stay as you are.

personally ultimatum time is looming. He is out of the house 5:30 - 8:30 every day and then stays in bed until 10:30 at the weekend. Sorry to say he doesn’t sound like he actually wants to be part of the family.

Oh and OP, please don't beat yourself up for struggling to run an entire family household alone while working full-time.

Never in the course of human history has this been expected of one person. People (women) have done it to some extent, as working class women have always worked, but rarely full time the way you do. Until very recently, middle class families always had domestic help, every day, with housework and meals.

For the simple reason that running a household is in itself a full-time job.

I'm not advocating for a time when women didn't work, to be clear. But in a world where we now expect both partners to work, and the cost of living mostly requires it, we have to divide BOTH sides of BOTH roles. It isn't fair to expect women to work a job AND be Managing Director of Household, as your husband does.

He sounds like something out the 1950s tbh. I'm so upset reading for you reading all your posts. 💐

He sounds extremely abusive. It's not surprising you're too exhausted to plan meals after all this. I'm amazed you still have the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Individual counselling for you with someone who has expertise in supporting abused women could be helpful. You could do with space to be heard and understood.

Or speak to Women's Aid.

Joint counselling when there's abuse is dangerous and damaging (he would just use it to continue putting you down) so don't pursue that.

You're not shit. You're being treated appallingly by someone who should be supporting you, not constantly kicking you and assassinating your character.

This is why WFH is not good for women.

You are in essence a single parent with the addition of a nasty man at the weekend who treats you as a slave.

This nails it, sadly.

Why can’t he? If he ended up by himself with the kids, he would have to. You’re not the only parent. He needs to be going to bed early as well, and getting up with the kids in the night. Let me guess, he comes home at 8.30 expecting dinner ready to heat and then sits watching telly until 11 or 12? He needs to be coming home, eating, showering, going to bed. It’s not wholly your responsibility. Yes he has to get up early to work but he’ll just have to be fucking tired like the rest of the parents who actually parent their kids.

OP I really think you need to find a supportive therapist who will help you find the strength to do what’s right for you. In my humble opinion that would be leaving this utter aresehole but what I think really doesn’t matter. The reason this all feels like too much is because it is but you need the strength and confidence in yourself to decide what to do

OP I’m sorry to be blunt but your “D”H is being a PRICK. Utterly and arrogantly entitled. If he wants the house clean he can jolly well pitch in. You work FT, take care of kids and all the mental energy that requires juggling everything, AND he expects you to take the brunt of the housework?! This isn’t the 1950s.

Don’t reduce your hours, you need the pension and NI contributions.

I’d be telling him where to go if it was my DH.

(FWIW, we both have high pressure jobs working long hours with a DC and my DH does his fair share evenings and weekends!)

Your goal at 13 was never to work and be kept by a man?

Why did you clean up the breakfast mess?

Anything wrong with being a housewife?

Does he have any redeeming features at all?

Based on what I’ve read you sound like you are in an abusive relationship. He sees himself as superior to you and you are there to serve him.
Your life should revolve around his needs and your needs are immaterial.

Do not have therapy or relationship counselling with this man, he will weaponise it against you. Instead see about getting some therapy for yourself to help you see just how toxic the situation is.

I suspect your self esteem is in your boots right now and you can’t see how amazing your being just holding all this together.

In my view yes.

But in this case, the OP has a job. Where does she say she wants to stop working and look after a man’s needs?

There is if you are bullied into being one by an abusive and entitled partner.

No woman should be forced to give up their financial security and a job they want to do because of a selfish and abusive partner.

Fuck that shit!

You definitely need a house keeper or a nanny. Your husband sounds like he is under a lot of pressure working very hard and your (not surprisingly) struggling to keep up the domestic end of things on top of your work. We've had some really good live in housekeepers in the past who were a godsend. One though unfortunately was a bit light fingered... lifes too short to be over run when you can afford not to be, and you won't need so much help as the children get older. Get a domestic in.

'I'm not your maid, it's your mess, too, you clean it up.'

Ad nauseum.

He sounds absolutely vile. I'd be making plans to get him out of my life full time.

Honestly, I can't imagine how your life would not be better without him in it. You would probably find there was a lot less work, and you would be less stressed so more able to manage the things that need doing.

On a practical note, supermarket delivery of at least the basics is a good plan. Even if there is some waste, you are unlikely to be spending as much as you currently do. Most supermarkets do next day delivery, so if you keep some "emergency" freezer/cupboard food in stock always then you don't need to plan particularly far in advance.

He thinks the expenses he pays are more important, but they aren't. I would also be shocked if he's not saving a bunch of money each month while you spend all of yours. The sooner you get out of change things, the better your financial situation is likely to be long term.

If he thinks he can do some
of these things better, why doesn’t he?

What is he doing at the weekends when he thinks you should be cleaning!

What job does he do that means he can’t have time off?

I’ll just leave this here …..

@doyoulikeflowers you know that if you leave he can mither away about you to his heart's content but it won't matter because you won't be able to hear him.

When was the last time he did something nice for you? Brought you a hot drink? Showed you a picture of something because he knew it would make you smile?

I don't know whether you have ADHD. You sound exhausted.

He adds to the mess then complains about the mess. He uses this as the stick to beat you with. Not sorting things 'properly' is another stick he beats you with.

Obviously these are things he could do himself. He could tidy up after himself, he could do some of the house admin himself. But he would rather beat you with them. This tells me that punishing you is more important to him than having things tidy/admin done.