You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

dont do it. Youre not a child. When he mentions it reply with, ‘yes i also noticed you hadnt cleaned up after yourself. Can you do that now?’

I feel stuck

Do you want your kids to see that you are the house slave? Would you want their partners to treat them like this?

If not, start your planned exit. Involve supportive friends. Get out. He will never change.

it is him that has ruined the marriage and been a failure of a parent and partner. Not you.

The way you have set things up financially has just entrenched how he sees you. He sees his role solely as paying for the bills and nothing domestic or child-related at all. All of that falls to you so he’ll always blame you if it falls down in any way, or he sees it as “lacking”. Which is why you get all the abuse. It’s just blame, blame, blame. It’s a huge mistake to separate household income in this way if you’re married to a man like that.

There will be more expense in the future for the children, they only get more expensive when they get to a certain age. Their food and clothing costs get more expensive, driving lessons, school trips and hobbies expenses. University costs a fortune. Is it ALL going to fall to you because he is so entrenched in the “my role is to pay the mortgage and bills, and nothing else” train of thought?

he is an extremely extremely ungenerous man, in every way. Stuck in the dark ages, and making everyone, including himself, miserable. Just get rid and get your life back.

Arrange some counselling for you both. He cannot carry on with his life like nothing had changed.

She has already said he refuses counselling.

Oh don’t be ridiculous.

Who cares if he says nasty things after you've left? He is saying nasty things now. At least you wouldn't be seeing him everyday, putting yourself in the firing line every day.

He thinks you should work 24/7. 40 hours a week at work and the remainder of your day at the sink. He can't love you. No one who loves you does this.

He thinks you're not as valuable as he is. Not as good as he is. He is beneath doing any washing up, that's for underlings, like you to do.

I have no idea how you can stay another day. Being scared of leaving is a huge red flag, he is controlling you, letting you know he can ramp up his nastiness and disdain if you dare to dissent.

Let him rant and rave. At an empty house! Show him you have enough self respect to know your worth and this behaviour and treatment isn't going to wash. Get out. As far away as you can. Set up a new email account and only communicate via that. You can check it as you please (or not!). Change your phone number. Run as fast as you can. You can do this.

God, I hope you do. Otherwise accept the life sentence.

Then time for a divorce.

They’re way past the point of counselling to save the marriage. OP could do with some to help her get her self-esteem back so she can find the strength to leave him.

What do you want to do? He wont change and you cannot live like this, so what can you change?

It wasn't like this before my last maternity leave as much. It ended up this way since my last mat leave ended.

I tell him how much I spend and he doesn't believe me. Then I showed him black and white and he says I misspend ( he's right to some extent ), as my food shopping and planning is appalling and is costing me a lot of money.

I make 6 figures. But I literally have not much left, as it all goes on trying to make my life as convenient as possible. I'm always running behind because of lack of planning - so it's like - do I get my work done or do I go and do a food shop right now ? I'll do work and get a 50 pound food shop via Deliveroo that allows me to make, maybe two meals. I know it's me and that's my fault and I need to just plan better. I'm finding it hard to do so.

Sometimes I get a big shop but then stuff ends up going off because I forgot what I have in the fridge and I again, haven't planned well enough or even if I have, I haven't stuck to my plan. It will get to the end of the day and I haven't managed to cook and then I just won't feel like it- even if I have food in the fridge, because I decide I can't deal with the mess it's going to make- so I'll end up getting a take away or shove an easy meal like fish fingers in the oven. Even though I had 6 salmon filets that are going to go off tomorrow. I know it's me, I'm just shit.

Some weeks I manage ok and I stick to it. Other weeks ( especially when sleep deprived, sick kids, trying to keep my job ) I always tell my bosses when my kids are sick btw. They know I try my best to work around it. So they'll know when my kids are home with me and I'm still working / taking calls, while chasing my toddler up the stairs etc.

I missed that post in between posting last night and this morning. Op, he is coercing you into sex by behaving poorly if you dont.

you need to leave him.

Can you see that he has ALREADY said all of this to you? And you have to live in the same house as him and put up with that every day. And so do your children have to witness their mother being abused and treated with contempt. Yes, when you leave him he will
behave horribly. He’s a horrible person. But you will have some distance from him, and he will have a lot less power over you than you currently feel he has. Actually he doesn’t. He’s just another sad, angry, inadequate man. You will come to see that in time.

@doyoulikeflowers

He is financially abusive as well. He is using finances to control you.

Mine was too though I didn’t realise it. We both earnt 6 figures, all salaries into joint accounts, all expenses joint. Everything as mumsnet says it should be, he was never obviously controlling re money - in fact he left everything to me as so lazy. But then would randomly go through expenses and scream at me, or suddenly lose his shit about why savings levels weren’t where he thought they should be (e.g. we had just done up a bathroom or paid for something)… I was always on tenterhooks around him. Looking back (and now post split) so realise he was actually extremely stingy and money stuff was the trigger for many of his outbursts. He once went into a volcanic rage and called me a fat bitch because I said I was getting the broken blinds in DS’ room fixed.

I bet you’re not ADHD or disorganised at all. You’re living under extreme stress with a total cunt while trying to manage 2 small children and a full time job.

Putting your arsehole of a husband to one side.

There is no need for you to go shopping. Get a reserved Ocado order (or other shop) that brings the same stuff every week at a minimum. If you then need to add to it or organise for stuff to come four weekly you can ( washing liquid etc)

Fish fingers are fine, so is Pesto Pasta, scrambled eggs etc. whatever is quick and easy and won’t go off. Sod salmon fillets etc.

What are you eating for lunch?

You are still going to have some of these issues, but honestly, I think you'll find it easier to manage things like food shopping without him not pulling his weight.

Do a really basic meal plan. Set up an online food shop, at morrisons you can add your favourites with one click of a button. Make life easy. Know that, say, on Wednesday, it's beans on toast. And stick to it. Minimal washing up. Nutritious meal that take minutes to make. And build up that repertoire. You are in the thick of parenting. It will get easier. But right now, you have to make your life as simple as possible. And he is doing the opposite.

I would also get screamed at about the groceries.

He refused to go to the supermarket, unpack the bags or even carry them in from the car because “seeing how much you spend at the supermarket stresses me out”.

Then if there was any food wasted I would get screamed at for wasting money, buying food we didn’t need etc. He was a decent cook, I’ll give him that, but somehow the food waste was always my fault although he was happy to order uber eats 3x a week bc too tired and stressed from work to cook 🤡

@Endoftheroad12345

"I bet you’re not ADHD or disorganised at all. You’re living under extreme stress with a total cunt while trying to manage 2 small children and a full time job."

I couldn't agree more.

OP it's really really not you. It's him.

Selfish cunt.

@LittleBearPad good point. No idea what I'm making for lunch. H is off having a lovely long shower and I'm left clearing up the mess downstairs/ thinking what to make for lunch. The usual.

This is great advice for how she should set up as a single parent.

NOTHING about what you've said makes me think you should stay married.

You might find it magically gets easier without an aggressive lazy dead weight round your neck

So he decided to have 2 kids but didn't make any changes to his life to accommodate his family.

What a selfish prick.

What's he doing right now?

I often feel like he's my boss or something and I'm an underperforming employee.

The stuff be blames me for is ridiculous sometimes.

A few weeks ago I needed to cancel and renew some insurance. Long story short, the company made a mistake and put it in the wrong name. I did everything as asked but the company made the mistake.

He was really pissed off at me, saying I always get stuff wrong and he can't rely on me.

The same for when we extended our car finance, he kept accusing me of not doing it properly as the way the company was communicating was a bit odd. They kept telling me the process on the phone but he still wasn't happy about it. He said I handled it incorrectly. When in reality, the way they had explained it, was ultimately how it happened. It was an odd process, I admit, but it wasn't my fault by or not doing it properly- it was just the way it was. All the time stuff like this. Apparently I can't do stuff properly.

I’m so sorry you’re living like this OP. I agree with the other posters - you have a massive husband problem here. I hope you can find the strength to leave. You’re doing it all anyway you may as well do it all without the abuse and be free. Sending strength.