You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

You are so focused on how he feels, you need to let that go. Focus on how you feel and what you need. The weekend time is equal, you both work equally. He may be out of the house longer but you are working with the kids then. So on a Saturday if only you can meal plan and sort laundry, then he needs to take the kids out . So you have a Saturday evening and Sunday to do things as a family.

And PS everyone telling OP to quit work or go part time makes me mad. They need to have a discussion and the option of doing that should be on the table for both of them - why automatically the woman giving up her career

I had the second one for my first to have a sibling.

I just don't think he'd agree to his kids living abroad. I don't know what he'd do if I just did it. I really don't know.

I can understand certain jobs make it difficult to take time at short notice for illness. But all jobs allow annual leave so he needs to plan in advance to cover some of their planned time off school so that you can work (half terms, some summer or Easter holidays etc) as well as family holiday.

And if he is doing such long hours, he can't do much at home. But he could organise putting on a wash and transferring yesterday's wash to the tumble dryer when he gets in at night. Or organise the weekly food shop or book a decent takeaway a couple of nights a week while he's having lunch.

And if he is out all day, while acknowledging that those are long days (but does he get prior meals, time for my etc in that absence?), so he may well be tired, so are you - and he needs to be told that there is a lot to running a household and working and minding/rearing DCs, which you are doing. So either he steps up to do more and take some load off you, somehow, or else he stops criticising what you DO achieve and helps out to do it together when he does get his pretty like ass home to the "family" - because he sounds like he expects a nanny abd a housekeeper rather than a partner and family.

No man alive ever dropped a day at work to do housework. Do NOT do that.

Ok he works very long days so he can’t do much in the week - so his primary contribution is NOT moaning about the state of the house. And that is an important one that he really really needs to stick to. Surely the rule is - either do something about it or shut the hell up.

I would go nuclear about the “you’re not the only woman to work full time”. And the “nagging” insult. FFS all you’re asking is for him to stop moaning. I would be FURIOUS with his attitude.

Do not go down the adhd route. He would hold that so hard against you.

You have imo massive fear of how you'd manage without him - and this results in you not daring to really look at and SEE how he is to you and the family unit. And also how you actually could and would cope without him. You seem trapped by your own fear of yourself here.

The more you post the clearer it is that there are longstanding and widespread issues in your marriage. I’m not sure how anyone can help as you shoot down all suggestions but I sincerely hope you find the strength to leave and raise your children outside of your marriage. You deserve better and your children absolutely also deserve better than to grow up in their current home.

You said your husband goes to work at 5:30am and comes home at 8:30pm, and that you go to bed at 8pm each night. That must be awful for him to come home to a silent house each night. What time do you get up as can't understand why you are going to bed at 8pm?

He would just be so nasty and throw so many insults at me if I left him. Tbh that's what I'm scared of. I'm not scared he'd hurt me physically, but he'd make me feel really bad about it. He'd say I have ruined everything etc. I'm fickle, weak, a terrible mum etc. that's what I worry about tbh.

He'd make me 100 percent responsible.

But it sounds like you barely see each other if he leaves early and comes back after you’ve gone to bed - so how much does he manage to do to help? Just the little stuff - so putting his stuff in the dishwasher, his clothes in the laundry basket, putting his laundry away?
If you’re working and trying to look after little kids that are poorly then you’re not going to have any give in your work day which night normally if they’re working from home (put a wash on when having a coffee break, empty it out later on) as that time is being used to look after poorly kids - to the point it sounds like your work is really suffering.
you’re both having long hard days - but at least he gets to have some brainiacs when he commuted - which you’re not getting at the moment.
Did his dad go to work while his mum looked after the household and is he expecting the same - ie he doesn’t want to do anything to help? I get that you have a cleaner but he needs to realise that he needs to pull his finger out too - if he’s not falling into bed exhausted when he gets in from work then he’s obviously not as exhausted as you so needs to pick up some of the jobs when he gets in. Yes he may be tired and not want to do so - but it’s not like it’s fun and games that you enjoy too.
There’s an American guy on Facebook called Jefferson Fisher who does very short simple reels of advice about dealing with difficult people and what to say - he breaks it down into three simple bits of advice for lots of different situations and I’ve found him very helpful for helping to think simply about conversations like the one you need to have with your ‘d’h about how he needs to step up to help and point out that you’re very disappointed in him too.

I'm just so exhausted. I'm also not well. That's why I need to sleep at that time. Especially when the kids are sick and will be waking me up during the night. I know it can't be nice and he resents me for it too but I need to sleep to function.

I'll often be woken up at least once or twice, even when they're not sick. And I often can't get back to sleep after. I need to take my sleep when I can get it.

But he treats you like crap anyway so better not to be living with it day in day out. Your children are going to grow up thinking this is how people should be treated. It’s abuse. You need to get some help and leave.

Book yourself into a spa for a day - time for relaxation and sleep. He can look after the DC’s.

Awwww poor husband coming home to a quiet house! Poor bugger. OP after seeing 2 nursery aged kids and working full time is likely glad of the peace, maybe she winds down at 8pm then sleeps.

I'm sure someone must of said it but OPs DH husband working hours are not normal alongside OP working full time and plus 2 small kids. OP might as well be a single mother!

He already throws insults at you though? If you don’t keep the house in tip top shape, he insults you. If you ask him to help or, God forbid, just say nothing, he will insult you. If you suffer from depression again and can’t cope, he will insult you. If you break a leg and need more help around the house I’m sure he would find a way to insult you. You’re already 100% responsible for anything that disrupts his home life. Don’t be scared of him insulting you when he is already doing it and, like night follows day, he will always do it if you stay.

Are you serious? Have you read all the posts. His behaviour is abusive and your response is “how awful for him to come home to a silent house”! She’s working full time and looking after two children, I’m not surprised she’s in bed at 8pm.

A spa day?!?!

FFS

Why does he expect you to work 7 days a week from when the first DC wakes up to they are both in bed??

You are either at work, or looking after the DC or doing housework 24/7 apart from when getting broken sleep.

Why is he entitled to work less and get Sat & Sun "off" with you running around after him.

As a short term thing could your parents come visit and help you declutter etc?

So? This is how he treats you now.

Fuck him, leave him and build a new life. Show him how capable you are without him. He will, of course, hate it because it will make it very obvious that he was the problem all along. But who cares what he thinks?

He is a nasty man who treats his wife badly. As your children grow up he’s going to do one of two things: treat them badly too, or tell them they’re wonderful while teaching them to treat you the same way he does. Which of those would you prefer?

I think she wants him to appreciate that as well as working full time she does his share of the housework and childminding as well as her own during the week.

Just an example - it's now almost 10 am. We've been up with kids since before 7. He sat down and ate breakfast with them. I had a coffee on my own..

All the stuff from breakfast is still on the table.

If I now don't clear it, he'll probably complain about it later. That it's a shit hole. When actually he should have just done it.

Same with lunch later. He won't be happy unless I am constantly clearing up after everyone. Toys etc.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes he also does it himself, but recently I feel like he's so sick of it. So am I.

Also in the morning I often come down to stuff in the sink etc from his dinner the night before, so I have to clear that up too. It's annoying.

Won’t solve the marriage problem but would give the Op a chance to get some sleep and thinking time

@doyoulikeflowers Im sorry youre going through this. Your problem is not housework, messyness or young kids. Your problem is that you're married to someone who has no enpathy for you, and sees you, not as a human being, but as a household object with funtions (cook, clean, take care of dc, sex).

My Exh was exactly like yours. Im relieved to be out and have my humanity back. I was not put on this earth to solely facilitate the lives and needs of others and to have none of my own.
Check out Dr Ramani either type it on YouTube and listen on head phones, or order her book. She saved my life and sanity. Hugs xx

He isn’t going to change though is it. Are you thinking of making some changes or just venting?

You are ILL why shouldn't he be doing his share regardless?

Why is he entitled to sit and do nothing but you aren't?

As you aren't well perhaps you should be taking sick leave from your job so you don't end up burnt out

Honestly I couldn't live with someone with such an entitled attitude!!