You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

You are married to an extremely horrible man and I’m sorry you just can’t see that. Perhaps have some counselling for yourself as the way you’re constantly trying to please him and make him happy is abnormal in a situation like that where it’s all one-sided. He’s a nasty selfish person and I hope you get away from him.

Whenever I tell him he doesn't love or respect me and give him examples of why I think that, he has a go at me for being too intense, blowing things out of proportion and just being a hysterical person.

It's very frustrating.

Op, he sounds vile. If he works in the UK as an employee then annual leave is a statutory entitlement - I don't give a shit what he does for a living, he can take a few days to look after his kids. No one is THAT important. Even surgeons have to do this occasionally. What the hell would he do if you were seriously unwell?

It's not on. He sounds extremely selfish and entitled.

Ocado weekly shops will sort one of the practical issues in the short term. Set up a recurring order.

Increase the cleaner’s hours.

Then consider if you want to stay in this marriage as he appears to have no redeeming qualities and you’d be happier alone.

This made me want to cry.
What a horrible excuse for a man you are shackled to.
Please don't keep living your one and only precious life being treated like this.

As for more sex he’s lucky you’re sleeping with him at all as his behaviour is deeply unattractive

My kids are 9 and 14 iv always worked full time. Since covid it's wfh anyways what I do is get up at 630 get ready wake kids up for school they get ready etc and I put washer on wipe sides down sort trash litter tray I've also bought a hoover that washes the floor which is amazing anyways it's all done then after str8 into work after school run

Why on earth haven’t you thrown a pillow at his head and shouted “get up, you lazy prick!” Honestly OP, my DH works crazy hours and I’m a SAHM for a baby and a two year old but when the kids are ill it’s all hands on deck.

Do you have adhd?

I mean honestly OP, what are you getting from this relationship? I’m not one for saying ‘LTB’ at every slight hiccup but I cannot believe the amount of posters who seem tho think that you should give in to this man by cutting your hours or leaving your job. You know what kind of man he is, you say that you feel he hates you ffs! Why are you with him? I just don’t, and will never, understand why people stay in these types of relationship.

I suspect so.

Prepare a box of tissue and listen to Dr Ramani on narcissists... You have all your cues. But it seems you haven't put them together...

Change it to ”You’re not the only dad who works full time…”

Does he ever have sole responsibility for both children? Like now if you were to say I am just going out and actually do it, would this be one of the first times he has ever looked after both his children by himself without you being around?

Say you need a walk, leave the house. It is completely unacceptable behaviour by him to say the things he says and to do fuck all whilst you are running around. He clearly thinks you will never leave him because he hasn't thought about being single and doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry for himself.

You deserve better, what he isn't saying is that women who work full time have husbands who actually parent their children and do housework. Why does he get to just laze around on a weekend? Totally unacceptable. I am a sahm and Dh was always on duty when home, we shared it, we are partners because he parents his children.

I hope the weather is lovely where you are, put your coat on and head on out, take your headphones, listen to music or a podcast.

On this amount of money, plus your kids in childcare, get a nanny housekeeper. I have one 3 days a week and she sorts laundry, cleaning and cooking. I don’t have much disposable income left, but it’s worth it.

Or leave your husband.

Yup. Get out. Every single day he has a day off. For the next six months. The weather is looking GOOD.

He can't because of his work. Hard to explain but he just can't.

That's just BS isn't it. He just thinks he's too important.

£100 a week for a cleaner to come ONE day?!

He can't because of his work. Hard to explain but he just can't.

Why is it some men that they think they have the very important job which means they can opt out of family responsibilities?
The more senior you are, the more flexibility you usually have. He can take parental leave, regular holidays and time off for caring when his DC’s are ill.

Does he realise if you split and he wants to co-parent he’s going to have to look after them all by his wee little self a couple days a week?

Unfortunately, with the type of man he is, and the type of almost non-existent close relationship he’ll have with the kids now, I think that one of 2 things would happen in that situation:

1. he’d start to make excuses why he can’t have the kids when it’s his turn, because of his job. Contact would dwindle to alMost nothing annd eventually the kids wouldn’t even want to go. He’d probably neglect to care for them properly when he DID have them, and not pay them enough attention. It would end up with no contact at all eventually or just a quick visit around their birthday or something. The kids’ self-esteem would be shot, just like OP’s is, and would affect them in all sorts of ways, unless they are lucky enough to have the type of personality to eventually realise for themselves what a waste of space their father is. Maybe when they’re old teenagers or young adults.

2). He’d see the kids every week for a couple of days only which means that disruption to his life is at a minimum, and the mess they bring to his house is a minimum and nothing that a cleaner wouldn’t be able to keep on top of. Plenty of lie ins and free time for him in between their visits to recover from any night wakings when they’re with him. Consequently it’ll confirm the narrative in his head he’s spun that you’re lazy and can’t keep up with everything domestic, and thst you mustn’t be resilient if you can’t cope with sleepless nights etc. It’ll only convince him he was right all along and he won’t be able to stop himself telling all and sundry that you were the one lacking in thr relationship and didn’t support his career. Etc etc. He’d tell the kids that when they got old enough, too, and they’d believe him (for a while at least)

Deep down you’ve thought about these, OP, I’m sure you have, and that’s why you put up with the marriage as it is. But it’s a miserable existence for you. You’re NOT a servant and a prostitute. Don’t let him treat you like one.

Seek support from other women on here who have left partners like yours and who had been worried aBout the 2 scenarios above, and how they came through it.

You CAN be happy. You at least owe it to your kids to be a role model for what a happy relationship is, so that they don’t end up like you if they’re a girl, or, god forbid, like him if they’re a boy.

Yeah there's two of them and they stay 3 hours. I often get them to change beds, clean the fridge, clean the oven, tidy up cupboards, wash bins out.

I'm pleased with them. They'll do anything I ask.

If I asked them to come another day and fold and put away laundry and organise cupboards, I know they'd do that as well.

I know I need it. I just need to work out the other things like how much I spend on food shopping etc. and keep those costs down a bit. As otherwise it's just too much.

I pay for all house related ( food, cleaners, ironing shirts ) and children related things ( clothes, presents, birthdays ) and for nursery for one child. H pays for nursery for the other child and all bills, mortgage, car insurance and big house projects etc.

I’m sorry but is he contracted to work these long hours? I just don’t believe even people in ‘high pressure’ jobs need to be working into the evening. Can he WFH sometimes? I think it shows that he’s deliberately using work to get away from family life, or he is incapable of managing his time properly so he can do his job in the allotted hours…don’t reduce your hours, he needs to be adjusting his hours and work pattern so he can do 50/50 family jobs. I wouldn’t stay or be with a man who worked those long hours…he would need to change to WFH, go part time, get another job or leave.

And as night follows day naturally you have separate finances that mean you have to work out how to pay for stuff whilst he doesn’t give it a thought.

Stop the bloody shirt ironing service. He can do it.

Or he can get them washed and ironed at a dry cleaners on his way to work.

Kindly, OP, why did you have a second child with him and why are you still with him? Did he promise to change and step up?

Can we interrogate your statement “I doubt he'd let me take the kids to live there”. What do you mean by this? If you mean, “he would say no if I asked him if I could” my next question would be why are you asking him? Tell him you’re going and then just go. If he wants to see the children tell him you will drop them off to him every weekend so that he can maintain his relationship with them. Or does he mean he would call the police and report you for child abduction? I mean, fine, let him but remind him he would then need to look after the children. My guess is he won’t want that.

You are downbeat and downtrodden because of what sounds like years of contempt but if you start to break down what he says you will see that he has far less power than you think.

He can take time off, he doesn’t want to.