You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

Absolutely - this morning I would be up and dressed and announce to DP I’m off out for the day as I need a break after doing all the childcare for OUR kids - he’s in charge. Come back after bedtime. Kids routine will be a mess but it will show him how hard you have it day in and out.

Well I really hope you’re realising that he is treating you appallingly. You can’t just opt out of parenting & leave it all to your partner. Time to sit down with him & lay out some fair ground rules & if he won’t change do NOT be putting up with it! Does he realise if you split and he wants to co-parent he’s going to have to look after them all by his wee little self a couple days a week? Is that what he’d prefer? Cos you won’t be there doing it all for him. He sounds like such a selfish entitled prick sorry.

If he can’t agree to this, then he needs to financially facilitate you working less, if that’s what you want.

Why do you say this? Why do you not suggest he reduce his hours to do more at home? Why do you think she wants to work less and not him? How is this acceptable?

The patriarchy is so entrenched that people think it’s ok to suggest a woman reduce her work to facilitate cleaning for a man. Depressing as hell.

You could throw money at this with eg cleaner more than 1x per week, nanny, housekeeper, gardener, au pair etc

This would deal with the chores, but not the misogyny

This is more than just laziness or cluelessness OP, he holds you in contempt.

yanbu
you will burn yourself out and make yourself unwell. Something has to change and soon. Not forgetting g that current status quo will likely need to change when children start school (much shorter days). Has DH ever looked after them for a few days alone? From experience, that would really help to give some him some perspective and be more open to understanding how utterly relentless it is being main carer whether working FT or not!
If you want and can feasibly reduce your hours, do (but make sure DH financially supports , including additional pension and equal amount of money/savings for you once the bills are paid) otherwise, get a home help for a few days each week (to put washing on, collect kids and prep the children an evening meal)?

Get a cleaner at least twice a week.
Declutter, have a big decluttering session, keeping up the house will be SO much easier. This is key to keep house tidy.
Food shop online, arrange delivery when you both home and you both put everything away.
Slow cooker is your best friend.
Take away once a week
If you can, delegate /pay someone to do certain tasks, ironing, nursery/school pick ups.
If you have family support, use it.

Great advice. The children's toys are an issue. I just need to get rid of a lot of them.

That’s all well and good but doesn’t solve the contemptuous husband problem.

Other mums who work full time likely have husbands who help. Can you go part time? It sounds like your husband earns enough.

I feel like he hates me. I don't ' put out ' of course as much as he would like and I think he despises me for it. I think if I did that more, he'd be nicer to me. He's actually said that kind of thing- if I gave him more s e x he wouldn't care about anything else, apparently.

Makes me want to vomit.

What does HE do on the weekend when he's off? Is he doing housework too?

Is there something stopping you from leaving this total arsehole?

If you earn more per hour than you pay a cleaner, cutting your hours makes no sense.
Just get a cleaner in every day to do the kitchen, hoover, laundry, beds etc.

You say the cleaner comes once a week, so as you pay £100 per week, that sounds about 5 hours. Could they not do 1-2 hours per day?

Having said that, I would not be putting up with this dynamic. You are being a martyr and he sounds awful and cruel.

This sort of comment is ridiculous. ‘Get a new job’; if your occupation
is in a field which requires long hours, often travel, and deadlines, then any comparable ‘job’ paying similar is going to make the same demands. It’s not going to be warehouse work or some such, and cutting hours just isn’t on. There are not usually fixed hours, you just work what is needed. Four days? Er no, sorry.. maybe hand in
your notice.

Oh God, OP, please leave this awful awful man. He doesn't seem to have one solitary redeeming feature. Take the kids and move back in with your parents.

You're choosing to stay in this situation.

He's an abusive man and your children will grow thinking it's normal.

If you don't change something big here you'll be posting the same stuff for years as nothing will change from him. It'll get worse.

This is vile, it sounds like you would be better off without this extra burden of a man child.

If he has a well paying job, can you be a SAHM until all the children reach school age and then work part-time? I read stories like yours and honestly I don't know how you do it. It's just too much stress.

You're essentially admitting to enabling him. You enable him to have this role of the 'traditional man' despite the fact you are both in full time work.

My parents live abroad - not far, but not in the UK.

I doubt he'd let me take the kids to live there.

You are past cleaners and separate laundry bins.

this man neither loves or respects you. Leave. Your life will become infinitely better in every way.

Ok, then leave him and live alone. Your life will still be so much easier. You cannot keep living as you are now.

I agree. He will ruin your entire life if you stay and you'll wake up in your retirement when the kids have left, wondering what the hell happened.

You have a good job and income. Use it to leave.