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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH, sex & divorce

144 replies

AmIDelulu · 02/03/2024 15:57

Sorry, it's v v long!

I know AIBU can be brutal but please remember I have feelings and we are a family with young DC (8&3).

DH and I have been at logger heads for a while. I feel like he treats me like shit and he is unsatisfied with my lack of affection/sex.

We have had many 'make or break' conversations which go round in circles. I want to be treated nicely but he says the lack of affection from me frustrates & hurts him and makes him feel like he is not a husband, which causes his shit treatment of me. I say if you treat me properly then affection/sex would come naturally! Convos usually end with him being sorry and he will treat me right (without expectation). But then a few days later it starts again because he either hasn't changed or he did for a few days but didn't "see results" from me.

Today he has decided that he 'cant keep waiting' and he is fed up of his feelings not being considered. That we both have a deadline of 2 weeks to make improvements towards each other or call it quits. So he will start treating me right but I have to also give him affection/sex. If he doesn't see enough from me then he's done.

I have explained that he should want to treat me nicely/kindly/with respect and that is a basic in relationships and he should be doing that regardless. But he feels that what he wants is on par and one does not need to come before the over.

I don't feel like this is far. Why should I have to treat him above and beyond whilst he's treated me like crap. What happens if I am more affectionate/have sex and then his change (if any) was temporary. Or do I have to give it a try to know for sure? He has said no to counselling ("we know what we need to do") and will not agree to a separation ("it's just a way for people to do what they want" - wtf?!).

At the same time though I am so scared of divorce. I have no money, am a SAHM and carer for DC (8). I'd be on benefits for the rest of my life, no job would take me with the amount of appointments DC has. DC (2) adores DH and both DC adore the IL's. Would they resent me for splitting the family? Where would we live? I'd have no respite ever, it would be all me. My head is spinning......but I can't just be treated like crap forev
er can I 💔

OP posts:
Flickersy · 02/03/2024 16:05

It sounds like both of you are unhappy in this relationship and that neither of you are being kind / affectionate towards each other.

If counselling definitely isn't an option, then you either need to walk away or you both need to sit down and agree a plan / timeline for trying to get yourselves back on track. One idea could be to write down a few things you can do for each other every day / week. If it's not working after a set time, then you either need a new plan or to end the relationship.

DonnaBanana · 02/03/2024 16:06

It sounds like you mostly want to be married for security and not because you really like or fancy this man (and with his behaviour that is hardly a surprise!) While that is historically a good reason to be married, if he wants a lovey dovey relationship and you can’t see him that way even if he changes his ways, then that’s probably the end of it and you’ll need to rip the plaster off even if it does hurt. You can’t be at loggerheads like this forever, it will rub off on the children, and he’ll probably just cheat anyway.

Dacadactyl · 02/03/2024 16:07

My thoughts on this would depend on how he treats you like shit. What does he actually do?

babyproblems · 02/03/2024 16:09

erm I think he can treat you with respect regardless of whether you are having sex with him. That’s horrible and not acceptable. You say you will be on benefits for life and really are only married for the security - I think you should rethink this and try and forge a way you can survive without him. He’s no partner insisting you give him sex. Lots of luck xxx

Hankunamatata · 02/03/2024 16:15

So playing devils advocate. Would anything change if you both decided on a certain night once a week to have sex? Its not romantic or sexy but perhaps a start.

I do think some men equate sex with feeling loved and wanted. They become blinkered with not having sex thinking it means their partner doesn't want them. Some men are quite transactional on a whole.

drumbeats · 02/03/2024 16:24

You don't love him. You admit you are in the marriage for security. Let's face it, no matter how nice he is to you it is unlikely you would want sex with him.

This union needs to end. It'll only get worse

Midnlghtrain · 02/03/2024 16:24

Are you happy in your marriage?

It sounds like he isn't, then your main concerns for divorce seem to be stability related.

If there's no affection / sex from your side and he's openly communicated multiple times that this makes him feel rubbish and he doesn't like it, it would make sense for him to be unhappy and want to leave. Like PP has said, people link this with feeling wanted / loved and if that's missing in a relationship it can cause resentment

When you say his treatment of you is shit, what do you mean? Is he abusive? Why would you want to stay anyway?

On the whole money / benefits / family thing, he doesn't need your agreement to separate. Don't keep yourself in what sounds like an unhappy relationship for the "stability" of the marriage, when it sounds like he could walk away at any point. If this happened, would you be entitled to any benefits? Maintenance from your husband? If he's being honest then you've got two weeks to figure out how you can deal with things post breakup, which might give you enough time to get a rough idea of a plan?

Mabelface · 02/03/2024 16:41

He's blackmailing you for sex. He thinks his threats will make you give in and open your legs.

Treating you with respect is not conditional, but a given without sex being in the equation. He thinks it's transactional.

I think it's time for you to start to consider your options before he potentially decides to take what he wants from you anyway.

Flickersy · 02/03/2024 16:42

Mabelface · 02/03/2024 16:41

He's blackmailing you for sex. He thinks his threats will make you give in and open your legs.

Treating you with respect is not conditional, but a given without sex being in the equation. He thinks it's transactional.

I think it's time for you to start to consider your options before he potentially decides to take what he wants from you anyway.

Careful, you'll do yourself an injury reaching like that.

Original poster
AmIDelulu · 02/03/2024 16:51

Dacadactyl · 02/03/2024 16:07

My thoughts on this would depend on how he treats you like shit. What does he actually do?

Sometimes it's really trivial like he'll say hi/bye to the kids but not me. Tells me to scuse or move if I'm (unintentionally) in the way. Makes sly diggs and is passive aggressive. He shouts a lot too.

He speaks to me with irritation or attitude in his voice constantly

OP posts:
Thisisnotarehearsal · 02/03/2024 16:52

I do agree that he is blackmailing you for sex. Being horrid to you because you won't put out is shocking.

@Mabelface is right that respect is a basic in a relationship.

What if you developed a medical condition that meant you couldn't have sex, or say you were sexuality assaulted and couldn't face sex, would that mean it's okay for him to be a bastard to you? Many many women experience a decline in their sex drives at menopause, so I'm assuming he this from that point on its okay for husbands to treat like wives like shit?

He is trying to coerce you into sex by behaving badly. Sex should never be as a result of coercion.

Honestly you would be better off leaving him, he sees you as a thing to satisfy his sexual needs, not as a person.

pickledandpuzzled · 02/03/2024 16:55

Absolutely. Being unhappy because you don’t get as much sex as you want is no excuse to be rude to your wife.

Jeez the bar is low here sometimes. Have sex it’s the nasty man and he might be a bit nicer.

Universalsnail · 02/03/2024 17:08

It really sounds like you are both are fed up in this relationship and failing to meet each others needs.

When he says he treats you like crap, in what way?

I think this is a forever circle. You feel like he treats you badly and so you don't want to have sex, which sounds like is how he feels loved, so he therefore is shitty with you, so you don't feel loved and round and round in an endless circle.

How often do you have sex? When you say when he tries to meet your needs and then gives up, do you have sex in this time or are you still not wanting to?

Ultimately I think you have two choices. You both listen to what each other needs and put that into action. So he stops being shitty with you, and you have sex with him atleast once a week, and then you can both see if giving each other what the other says they need improves you relationship and means that you both want to continue giving each other what you need.

Or you call it a day because neither of you are happy.

KrisAkabusi · 02/03/2024 17:08

Absolutely. Being unhappy because you don’t get as much sex as you want is no excuse to be rude to your wife.

Yes, but he can be unhappy at the reasons why there's no sex. His wife clearly doesn't love him and has no time for him either. She's only in the marriage because of fear of the unknown. If I though my partner thought the same, I don't think I'd be too polite either. The whole thing is a shit-show, and it's not one-sided.

RhetoricalQuestion · 02/03/2024 17:17

How nice for your husband OP.
He works to fund the family, enabling you to SAH, whilst you don't particularly seem to like him, aren't affectionate to him, don't have sex with him, are only with him because you'd have to go on benefits, AND, you want him to treat you nicely. What do you do for him? Genuinely?

Sure, couples should respect and be nice to each other without question, but I think I'd be pissed if my spouse saw me as their convenience and not much else.

indigovapour · 02/03/2024 17:34

It's quite to see how this has any future I think. He's complaining that his wife is more of a housemate and you're complaining that your housemate isn't polite to you. You're not on the same page at all.

Megifer · 02/03/2024 17:37

Listen to him carefully op.

He's openly admitted he will only respect you and be nice if you sit on his cock regularly enough.

Wednesdaysotherchild · 02/03/2024 17:39

Hankunamatata · 02/03/2024 16:15

So playing devils advocate. Would anything change if you both decided on a certain night once a week to have sex? Its not romantic or sexy but perhaps a start.

I do think some men equate sex with feeling loved and wanted. They become blinkered with not having sex thinking it means their partner doesn't want them. Some men are quite transactional on a whole.

Not just men, I’m a woman and I feel the same way! It sucks being in a loveless/platonic relationship…

Megifer · 02/03/2024 17:41

"When you say when he tries to meet your needs and then gives up, do you have sex in this time or are you still not wanting to?"

I'd have a wild stab in the dark that he is nice for just 1-2 days and when ops knickers don't drop within that very short time the niceness disappears.

Amirite op?

Awrite · 02/03/2024 17:41

The man sounds like a horror.

Life without him must surely be better than this?

Original poster
AmIDelulu · 02/03/2024 17:42

RhetoricalQuestion · 02/03/2024 17:17

How nice for your husband OP.
He works to fund the family, enabling you to SAH, whilst you don't particularly seem to like him, aren't affectionate to him, don't have sex with him, are only with him because you'd have to go on benefits, AND, you want him to treat you nicely. What do you do for him? Genuinely?

Sure, couples should respect and be nice to each other without question, but I think I'd be pissed if my spouse saw me as their convenience and not much else.

Ooo I don't like this.

I'm not at home painting my nails. I'm looking after our 3 yr old. Also have 10 medical appointments for the other DC this month. Do you know how stressful that is with 2 kids trying to get one to do what the Dr is saying/trying to listen to the Dr and keep the little on occupied. It's not a walk in the park.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/03/2024 17:42

Your husband is a selfish arsehole who has no consideration or respect for you, and that's not changing. His "love" for you in purely conditional, based on sex.

Your marriage ending is a foregone conclusion, so you might as well get on with it.

Original poster
AmIDelulu · 02/03/2024 17:43

Megifer · 02/03/2024 17:41

"When you say when he tries to meet your needs and then gives up, do you have sex in this time or are you still not wanting to?"

I'd have a wild stab in the dark that he is nice for just 1-2 days and when ops knickers don't drop within that very short time the niceness disappears.

Amirite op?

Yes!

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIDelulu · 02/03/2024 17:44

It's interesting that this is kind of split though.

OP posts:
Megifer · 02/03/2024 17:46

AmIDelulu · 02/03/2024 17:43

Yes!

Show quote history

I'm shocked op.

You're worth more than this. I'd be telling him to shove his 2 week deadline up his arsehole. I couldn't live knowing my dp was only being nice because he got his fanny reward points to cash in.

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