DH, sex & divorce

[AmIDelulu]

Sorry, it's v v long!

I know AIBU can be brutal but please remember I have feelings and we are a family with young DC (8&3).

DH and I have been at logger heads for a while. I feel like he treats me like shit and he is unsatisfied with my lack of affection/sex.

We have had many 'make or break' conversations which go round in circles. I want to be treated nicely but he says the lack of affection from me frustrates & hurts him and makes him feel like he is not a husband, which causes his shit treatment of me. I say if you treat me properly then affection/sex would come naturally! Convos usually end with him being sorry and he will treat me right (without expectation). But then a few days later it starts again because he either hasn't changed or he did for a few days but didn't "see results" from me.

Today he has decided that he 'cant keep waiting' and he is fed up of his feelings not being considered. That we both have a deadline of 2 weeks to make improvements towards each other or call it quits. So he will start treating me right but I have to also give him affection/sex. If he doesn't see enough from me then he's done.

I have explained that he should want to treat me nicely/kindly/with respect and that is a basic in relationships and he should be doing that regardless. But he feels that what he wants is on par and one does not need to come before the over.

I don't feel like this is far. Why should I have to treat him above and beyond whilst he's treated me like crap. What happens if I am more affectionate/have sex and then his change (if any) was temporary. Or do I have to give it a try to know for sure? He has said no to counselling ("we know what we need to do") and will not agree to a separation ("it's just a way for people to do what they want" - wtf?!).

At the same time though I am so scared of divorce. I have no money, am a SAHM and carer for DC (8). I'd be on benefits for the rest of my life, no job would take me with the amount of appointments DC has. DC (2) adores DH and both DC adore the IL's. Would they resent me for splitting the family? Where would we live? I'd have no respite ever, it would be all me. My head is spinning......but I can't just be treated like crap forev
er can I 💔

This sounds so transactional, you act like a whore pretending you're mad with passion for him and in return you get a lottery ticket where the jackpot is him maybe being nice to you? Fuck that.

What are your love languages?

have a google and sit down and talk about them- if his is physical affection and touch and yours are words of affirmation for example, he needs to step up being kind with his words to you either verbally or via text. You need to work on touch- even a hand on the arm, a cuddle or a hug goodbye.

Could you suggest you imagine for a minute that you’ve just met and want to have a few getting to know you dates?? Where you both make a bit of an effort to impress each other?

If its worth the effort to save the marriage then you need to both want to drop what’s gone on before and start afresh with respect and communication.

'Women are not machines that you put kindness coins into until sex falls out.'

• some clever woman I forget the name of. Commonly (but incorrectly, I think?) attributed to Plath, who was another clever woman, but not this particular clever woman.

How about a hand job with a mallet?
Find a solicitor for starting divorce proceedings..

I am so scared of divorce. I have no money, am a SAHM and carer for DC (8). I'd be on benefits for the rest of my life, no job would take me with the amount of appointments DC has. DC (2) adores DH and both DC adore the IL's
That's why he behaves like this, you are in a weak position and he responds by going into 'dominate & exploit' mode.
In other words he is not a kind or decent man.

Now I’m going to sound like a bitch but by a week of having no sex I’m questioning if this if for me or if I should leave. If the reason is legitimate or just cnba doesn’t fancy me.

Because sex for me is hugely important and I was actually ready to divorce at once a week.

infact during a low point I told dh that he didn’t have 2 months to fix it because I’d be gone. He had till the end of the month. He loves snuggles and hugs as his love language per se but mine if cold hard sex.

This is ping pong... you need marriage counselling

I don't think how your husband is acting is very nice at all and I can see it's very unattractive to you but I also believe sex is hugely important in a marriage.

What happened to your sex life over time? What made it start to dwindle? Perhaps that's the issue that needs addressing too. He is going about it all the wrong way and refusing counselling/separation sounds like he thinks it's his way or the highway and that eventually you will give in.

There does have to be a level of give and take though. You can't promise sex when his attitude changes and then not give it. What is the real reason you don't want to be intimate with him?

If you divorce surely you will have some money.Do you have a mortgage,pensions,savings? Do you receive child benefit DLA for your disabled child and claim carers allowance ? This marriage sounds at the end so try and work out how to leave.Look at what you can claim and go from there.This is no life as you well know don’t stay just because it would be easier to stay .Good luck.

OP gave a flavour of the kind of things he does, shouting, ignoring her, telling her to move out of the way..I wouldn't put up with any of that crap, why does he think he can act like a playground bully?

A sexless marriage is miserable, you both sound miserable. You should be with a man who you fancy the pants off and he deserves to be with a wife who fancies the pants off him too.

This is really depressing. He is treating you shamefully . Its obvious that your little family is under enormous strain and romantic feelings and sexuality are usually the first to go. My guess is that he has so compartmented things that he is not exhausted by childcare and really doesn’t even perceive it as happening.

To whatever extent you can stop acting as carer for your child. Go back to work:tell him to pay for help, attend dr appointments, assume 50 percent of the burden, and get ready to divorce. He is really selfish and will never change.

I don't think attraction is the issue here.

"Sometimes it's really trivial like he'll say hi/bye to the kids but not me. Tells me to scuse or move if I'm (unintentionally) in the way. Makes sly diggs and is passive aggressive. He shouts a lot too.

He speaks to me with irritation or attitude in his voice constantly"

Of course you don't want to have sex with someone who treats you like this.

A few threads ive read on here when a woman is in a sexless marriage MN advice is always LTB life is too short.

Did you marry for love or money.
Sounds like you dont fancy him what if he didnt fancy you it would hurt.

Was he nice to you before the sex life dwindled? Or if you are honest with yourself, were there always some red flags about his attitude? Was he always the type to make sly digs and talk to you with irritation? In any case, it's totally unacceptable for him to withhold basic decent human behaviour from you as a bargaining chip for sex, especially it’s his behaviour that's made you gradually withdraw affection and sex. It certainly sounds like there's not much to rebuild- neither of you sounds like you even like the other very much any more.

Agreed. I fancy the pants off my bloke but we'll often go long stretches with no bonking then be at it like rabbits for a few days before returning to a dry spell. We're both tired. He'd probably be more up for it than I am but he gets it, thankfully.

Adult life is exhausting. Sex is frequently at the bottom of my list.

OP, how does he feel about nonsexual forms of intimacy? Because it's not sex relationships need, it's intimacy. Blokey and I cuddle and watch a film most nights. I'll stroke his back, he strokes my bum. He brushes my hair (LUSH form of intimacy. Top tier) and I'll do him a wee facial sometimes.

Tbh I'd find the pressure to have sex really uncomfortable and threatening to leave if you don't do it is quite coercive 😕 It would be better if he said 'I realise this is an issue for you and I don't want to force it so I'm going to leave.' Having the threat hanging over you makes you feel like you've got to put out so you don't lose him. The whole concept is quite uncomfy tbh

I agree that his treatment of you is absolutely shameful. It’s fine to say that you need more physical contact and affection and ask if you can work towards that but it’s absolutely not ok to demand it in the way that your boss, sorry, DH, has.

It’s hard being a carer for a child. If I were you, I would tell him that you would like a divorce if that’s all he is offering and intend to ask for 50:50 split with children. That would provide you with some respite and, you never know, you might re-discover your sex drive once you are more rested and decide to test it out on a new man who sees you as more than just a hole to fvck.

@AmIDelulu What's stopping you from leaving him?
Do you work at all so could get a bit of money behind you?

No one should have to stay in a marriage with no affection.

Sadly op I think your DH falls into the category of men who hate women but love sex. There's no need for him to be rude to you. It's my personal bugbear and is certainly grounds to consider the future of your relationship.

Enabling??

Did you see that she is a carer for one of their DC?

I do agree with this, however the 50:50 split will only happen if her husband will agree to it. I suspect given he's used to having a wife who is a SAHM, he will run a mile. Unfortunately the system is such that you can't make a parent "parent" if they don't want to. All you can do is apply for maintenance, which if through the CMS is as we know, an absolute shambles. This man sounds like he will look for sex elsewhere as soon as they separate (if not before) and will no doubt think he's single with no responsibilities, leaving OP to continue with all the childcare. I feel for you OP. I'm not surprised you don't feel like having sex with him. Unfortunately though if this is the case I think it is over.

Do you fancy people who talk to you like they've just scraped you off their shoe?