DH, sex & divorce

[AmIDelulu]

Sorry, it's v v long!

I know AIBU can be brutal but please remember I have feelings and we are a family with young DC (8&3).

DH and I have been at logger heads for a while. I feel like he treats me like shit and he is unsatisfied with my lack of affection/sex.

We have had many 'make or break' conversations which go round in circles. I want to be treated nicely but he says the lack of affection from me frustrates & hurts him and makes him feel like he is not a husband, which causes his shit treatment of me. I say if you treat me properly then affection/sex would come naturally! Convos usually end with him being sorry and he will treat me right (without expectation). But then a few days later it starts again because he either hasn't changed or he did for a few days but didn't "see results" from me.

Today he has decided that he 'cant keep waiting' and he is fed up of his feelings not being considered. That we both have a deadline of 2 weeks to make improvements towards each other or call it quits. So he will start treating me right but I have to also give him affection/sex. If he doesn't see enough from me then he's done.

I have explained that he should want to treat me nicely/kindly/with respect and that is a basic in relationships and he should be doing that regardless. But he feels that what he wants is on par and one does not need to come before the over.

I don't feel like this is far. Why should I have to treat him above and beyond whilst he's treated me like crap. What happens if I am more affectionate/have sex and then his change (if any) was temporary. Or do I have to give it a try to know for sure? He has said no to counselling ("we know what we need to do") and will not agree to a separation ("it's just a way for people to do what they want" - wtf?!).

At the same time though I am so scared of divorce. I have no money, am a SAHM and carer for DC (8). I'd be on benefits for the rest of my life, no job would take me with the amount of appointments DC has. DC (2) adores DH and both DC adore the IL's. Would they resent me for splitting the family? Where would we live? I'd have no respite ever, it would be all me. My head is spinning......but I can't just be treated like crap forev
er can I 💔

@Overwhelmedmum1 I sort like of get what you’re saying but ‘I was always short, rude or grumpy. I sulked a lot and I was angry much of the time’ would seriously put me off having sex It’s a viscous circle i Agee but someone being rude, sulky & grumpy is a massive turn off. I just couldn’t have sex with anyone that didn’t have basic decency towards me.

She has a two year old and an eight year old with high medical needs.

If they split and go 50/50, he won’t be able to do the work he does now, no way. He totally relies on her childcare.

He needs to respect what she does and step up. Treating your wife like shit , refusing to do counselling, and threatening her if she doesn’t step up and provide sex… how very attractive.

Yes, and they have two parents, who could split both the work and the childcare.

Join the gym go to a class 3 x per week when husband gets bk from work. It gives you energy and makes you feel better. Make his tea make him a coffee treat him better and he will copy etc. Have sex every week. However if he is threatening this is he having an affair??

@Treeinthesky 😂

Oh OP this was me fifteen years ago. I tried for a while but I realised that I couldn’t live like that for the next however-many years. I remember the constant pressure every evening, thinking I’ve got to attempt to have sex but I just can’t. Then we’d have a big argument and he’d threaten me with divorce so I’d have sex with him (sometimes in tears) and I’d get two or three days of him being nice to me before the cycle started again. Mine used to watch porn in front of me as punishment.

I blamed myself for leaving for many years and he used my guilt as a way of paying less maintenance. But then I realised that he could have left me if he was so unhappy. Your DH could leave you….if he chooses to stay in the current situation, he has no right to treat you with contempt.

It’s a bit more difficult benefit-wise (I was on tax credits) but I’d book an appointment with the benefits advisor at the CAB. You’ll feel more in control knowing what you’re entitled to. I assume you’re already claiming DLA and carers allowance? If not, get that sorted first.

Nothing kills desire like coercion. Having sex you don’t really want is hugely unproductive, it just makes it worse. You want it even less.

How considerate is he during sex? I can’t help thinking if he was an attentive, kind lover you’d be more likely to feel loved through touch.

I feel exactly the same - my sex drive is higher - and when I was not getting action I was vile.

We did the love languages and realised how different we are - we worked at it and our relationship is far healthier and stronger for it ..

OP you hold the cards and have a choice..

You can give him the sex he wants and see if it improves things

Or you can not give him the sex and leave

As far as I can see there is no middle ground.

He might treat you far better if you give him sex, if you don't want to = that is fine. .. but he has been pretty clear it's what he needs/wants.

On the one hand while we are busy and I’m not always very in the mood, I try and have sex weekly. On the other hand I wouldn’t ever be trying to get in the mood for a man who behaved like your husband does!! Not ever.

I had this, left the prick. Found a new man, no problems at all with my sex drive now.

I did however have to have therapy because of years of having painful sex that I didn't want because I felt like the world's shittest partner. Ex's love was conditional on access to my body. My new partner treats my body as mine and its a privilege not a right for him to have access to it.

You’re just drip feeding information with things like this though. He’s clearly not in the right but neither are you. I agree, to an extent, with the post you’re replying to here.

Of course op has the right to leave if she is not happy with the situation, and if she does not want sex with her husband, then she does not need anyone’s permission to end the relationship. It certainly wouldn’t be right for her to ‘force’ herself to do it just to please him.

My only point is that if op wants to remain in her marriage, then it’s a two way street. She may have to explore her feelings around sex and address them, as it is miserable to be a highly sexed partner being rejected all of the time and this does impact the health of the relationship, rightly or wrongly.

As we are talking to op, we can only advise her. If it were her husband asking for advice, then I would advise him to consider what his attitude towards her is saying and how that could impact her desire - but he’s not asking, so we can only make suggestions to op.

So op, no one would blame you for leaving. But if you want to stay, then you have to be aware that sex is very very important.

There's no drip feeding, she literally said it in the OP that she was a carer for her ds and no job would take me with the amount of appointments DC has .

How is she not 'in the right' to not want to have sex with someone who treats her like shit?

And the OP has been clear about what she wants/needs.
So it is definitely not the case that the OP holds the cards.

Because her husband expects her to have sex without giving her what she needs first.

Wow, you've really worked this man from a couple of paragraphs the OP has written from her point of view.

I think you're on totally different pages and to be honest you don't seem to see him as anything other than a means to pay the bills, honestly do you love him? I'm sure he picks up on how you feel. Things change and maybe you would be better moving on separately

A team, yes exactly, the op however doesn't really seem to see it like that, he seems more of a convenience, someone to pay the bills and maintain the status quo because it's easier than the alternative of splitting up and having to re-order your whole life.
If you don't want to be with him that's fair enough but you have to accept that means to difficult adjustments will have to be made.

He'd still be working the same with or without a family.

Of course she doesn't see them as a team now, how can she when he treats her like shit?
They have discussed this at length, he's refusing to go to counselling, he's now given her a 2 week ultimatum.

He clearly doesn't see them as a team either!

It is perfectly fair and understandable for a mother in her situation to be terrified of a future with no respite.

As would he be if he was going to be the one left with the caring responsibility!!

He would be the one who was afraid of upsetting the status quo and having to re-order his whole life if he was the carer for the DC.

@RhetoricalQuestion

Sure, couples should respect and be nice to each other without question, but I think I'd be pissed if my spouse saw me as their convenience and not much else.

Incredible how you read the OP and didn't see that she feels the same way.

She's at home caring for the children.
The husband treats her like he doesn't like her.
But expects her to have sex with him, like she's just a convenient hole to put his penis in.

I’m not sure what you actually read but op states quite clearly what is happening. Anyone who threatens divorce as the only solution if she doesn’t do exactly what he wants is not a good person. Anyone who refuses to display a basic level of kindness and respect to their wife unless they are having sex with them is not a good person. I completely agree that they would be better moving on separately because he is an abuser.

If you liked him then you'd want to have sex. If you have to be prompted to have sex then he is not right for you.

Dh seems unhappy about absence of sex or affection. Thread seems to concentrate on sex. No affection is not going to make anyone feel good.
Although it seems you'd be better splitting.

Ok I am going to make a wild guess that your Dh feels second best to the DC and a bit of a meal ticket. You feel he now treats you like shit in the same way he feels he is being taken for granted and not appreciated.

It takes two to tango and right now you are in a standoff and have hit a status quo. Both of you have to give and try and work through it. Maybe couples counselling may work but you have to change the mindset here of the current 'if you were nicer to me' status.

It's a very difficult situation. He doesn't sound particularly nice but I think saying just split up is not necessarily helpful. Honestly when I started reading your post, I thought your marriage is dead. Better to end it. Then I read till the end and the fact you're a sahm and a carer. This massively complicates things. I get the feeling that you would be happier if you were not with him but your life would be much much harder. You're stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea I'm afraid.

Mmmm, being nagged for sex while simultaneously being treated like sh it. That is not a relationship I would be able to tolerate.