DH, sex & divorce

[AmIDelulu]

Sorry, it's v v long!

I know AIBU can be brutal but please remember I have feelings and we are a family with young DC (8&3).

DH and I have been at logger heads for a while. I feel like he treats me like shit and he is unsatisfied with my lack of affection/sex.

We have had many 'make or break' conversations which go round in circles. I want to be treated nicely but he says the lack of affection from me frustrates & hurts him and makes him feel like he is not a husband, which causes his shit treatment of me. I say if you treat me properly then affection/sex would come naturally! Convos usually end with him being sorry and he will treat me right (without expectation). But then a few days later it starts again because he either hasn't changed or he did for a few days but didn't "see results" from me.

Today he has decided that he 'cant keep waiting' and he is fed up of his feelings not being considered. That we both have a deadline of 2 weeks to make improvements towards each other or call it quits. So he will start treating me right but I have to also give him affection/sex. If he doesn't see enough from me then he's done.

I have explained that he should want to treat me nicely/kindly/with respect and that is a basic in relationships and he should be doing that regardless. But he feels that what he wants is on par and one does not need to come before the over.

I don't feel like this is far. Why should I have to treat him above and beyond whilst he's treated me like crap. What happens if I am more affectionate/have sex and then his change (if any) was temporary. Or do I have to give it a try to know for sure? He has said no to counselling ("we know what we need to do") and will not agree to a separation ("it's just a way for people to do what they want" - wtf?!).

At the same time though I am so scared of divorce. I have no money, am a SAHM and carer for DC (8). I'd be on benefits for the rest of my life, no job would take me with the amount of appointments DC has. DC (2) adores DH and both DC adore the IL's. Would they resent me for splitting the family? Where would we live? I'd have no respite ever, it would be all me. My head is spinning......but I can't just be treated like crap forev
er can I 💔

Then why stay if its that bad.

Look up barriers to women leaving relationships. There are hundreds. It's 2024. Are we still doing this? 🫠

Their is help out there you just have to start somewhere.

Life without someone putting you down and finding you irritating is always better. You can do this. You have a child with needs that means you cannot work - he will have to help support you.
You can do this without him and have a happier life.

It amazes me that women here accept horrible behaviour from men and often seem to blame any woman who dares to question anything less than full on abuse.
Who on earth would want to have sex with this man who is so blatant in the transactional nature of his “kindness”
Just yuck.
Leave him. Anything else is prostituting yourself for the sake of security which I totally understand but is that really the life you want or can sustain?

I would like to hear his side of the story on this. Is there anything you feel he would say about you if if he was writing this post, that you may have excluded?

Is he a good dad? Would he help out if you were divorced?

Your IL’s are not a reason to stay in a marriage. That’s only about you, DH and DC. No one else.

But if sex and affection is the ONLY issue and your relationship is otherwise fine, then would you consider opening the relationship? I know it sounds scary but adults have needs and it’s also not fair to permanently deprive someone of their biological desire. If you are clearly saying you don’t want to give that to him but he also can’t have it elsewhere then it’s just gonna cause hatred

There is help, sometimes, in some situations. It's not nearly as available or all-encompassing as it needs to be and some of the barriers are institutional.

Sorry for quoting the OP I know you shouldn’t do that

OP literally listed tonnes of reasons why she feels she can’t leave. They have a family. There are kids involved. Why do people act as if it’s just a case of packing a suitcase and driving off into the sunset amazes me infinitely

This will probably be a very unpopular viewpoint but I was in a similar situation with DH being pretty horrible most of the time and me not wanting to have sex until he improved his behaviour towards me.
Eventually I got fed up with waiting for him to improve and it wasn't nice with him being so difficult most of the time. So I decided to just grit my teeth and get on with the sex regardless (sounds bad I know ...) We arranged a time, once a week, and however much I didn't feel like it I just got on with it anyway. Things improved quite quickly. Afterwards he was so much nicer towards me and that, in turn, made me feel closer and more affectionate towards him. Obviously he'd slip back sometimes and be nasty but then I can be the same sometimes (just having a bad day maybe ...)
I read somewhere that women need to feel loved in order to have sex whereas men need to have sex in order to feel loved. Elsewhere I've seen references to a "maintenance fuck" - maybe that's what I've been doing ...?
Anyway, it worked. It might have taken a few weeks but it was worth it.

Op is caring for their dc enabling this dickhead to work. He shouts, is passive aggressive and thinks it’s acceptable to bully his downtrodden wife into shagging him rather than actually treating her with the love, care and respect that she deserves and is standard behaviour for anyone with any conscience at all. There shouldn’t be conditions placed on behaving like a decent human being, least of all whether you get a shag that day. This fucker is a nasty piece of work who knows his poor dw has limited choices and as a result he chooses to treat her like this. He is a disgrace.

Your husband should treat you with respect without the reward for that being sex.

I think at the core you are two people who aren’t meant to be together. You made the mistake of bringing children into this mess.
Posters are right… he is coercing you into sex but other posters have a valid point about you wanting the convenience he brings without being in a romantic and commited relationship.

Woman up, get some qualifications and make your own way in the world. He will have to do 50% of the medical appointments as not doing so would be neglect.

coercion is a criminal offence ( domestic abuse). Just end this farce and both move on.

Having kids is not a barrier to ending a relationship. If anything it should be a stimulus in unhappy households.

Yes but it’s not a case of just “divorce him - problem solved!”
That advice is so unhelpful

Why not? men do it all the time.

Can I ask how often you have sex? Sex have different importance to different people - I'm female but I honestly couldn't be happy in a relationship unless I had sex at least once a week. Maybe your DH is similar to me, you're not, and you're simply not compatible.

Either way it can't do either of you any good to stay together when you're both so unhappy

I wouldn’t be with anyone who is disrespectful to me, so I’d leave him.

I also get very snappy when sex is scarce, so if that went on for an extended period, I’d leave you.

This marriage seems doomed any way, so I’d advise you start making plans. He is ready to walk and likely will, so there’s no point living on a hope and a promise in this awful situation.

@AmIDelulu don't take any notice of @RhetoricalQuestion she’s fucking nuts and just goading you.

100% correct and OP needs to be practical as well.

Yes that is true but you have to start starting is the beginning.
Id rather live in a council flat or a refuge and be happy than stay and be unhappy.

Make it clear to him that he can be as 'done' with you as he wants. But that doesn't mean he gets to be 'done' with his DC.
Remind him that if he walks, he'll have to think quickly how he's going to manage being solely responsible for 24/7 care of his DC half of every week going forward and factor that into his decision.

A few of you asked how often we have sex. I think the last time was a month ago but tbh I don't count the days. It just happens when it happens.

He’s trying to emotionally blackmail you into having sex more. He treats you very poorly and doesn’t see why he should change, you should just drop your knickers as a ‘wifely duty’ whenever he wants. That is revolting.

Let him divorce you if he wants. He’s disgusting.

But that's exactly what he's doing.