DH, sex & divorce

[AmIDelulu]

Sorry, it's v v long!

I know AIBU can be brutal but please remember I have feelings and we are a family with young DC (8&3).

DH and I have been at logger heads for a while. I feel like he treats me like shit and he is unsatisfied with my lack of affection/sex.

We have had many 'make or break' conversations which go round in circles. I want to be treated nicely but he says the lack of affection from me frustrates & hurts him and makes him feel like he is not a husband, which causes his shit treatment of me. I say if you treat me properly then affection/sex would come naturally! Convos usually end with him being sorry and he will treat me right (without expectation). But then a few days later it starts again because he either hasn't changed or he did for a few days but didn't "see results" from me.

Today he has decided that he 'cant keep waiting' and he is fed up of his feelings not being considered. That we both have a deadline of 2 weeks to make improvements towards each other or call it quits. So he will start treating me right but I have to also give him affection/sex. If he doesn't see enough from me then he's done.

I have explained that he should want to treat me nicely/kindly/with respect and that is a basic in relationships and he should be doing that regardless. But he feels that what he wants is on par and one does not need to come before the over.

I don't feel like this is far. Why should I have to treat him above and beyond whilst he's treated me like crap. What happens if I am more affectionate/have sex and then his change (if any) was temporary. Or do I have to give it a try to know for sure? He has said no to counselling ("we know what we need to do") and will not agree to a separation ("it's just a way for people to do what they want" - wtf?!).

At the same time though I am so scared of divorce. I have no money, am a SAHM and carer for DC (8). I'd be on benefits for the rest of my life, no job would take me with the amount of appointments DC has. DC (2) adores DH and both DC adore the IL's. Would they resent me for splitting the family? Where would we live? I'd have no respite ever, it would be all me. My head is spinning......but I can't just be treated like crap forev
er can I 💔

I feel you're both just not into each other anymore. You don't want him to touch you, deep down and him being mean to you is because he is unhappy.
I would just leave don't waste your youth being in an unhappy relationship even if you have kids

If your marriage can only function at a transactional level then you need to think about whether this how you'd want to live in the long term? From what you've written he's only willing to be pleasant if he gets some...

Absolutely shocking that people are sticking up for him.
He is allowed to want more sex.
He shouldn't be talking to her like shit and being constantly grumpy, that's terrible.

It's him that is splitting the family up because he treats you like shit and won't have counselling. I know it would be hard on your own but actually is it harder having to live with someone like him. It's really important for the children to see their Father treat their Mother nicely and he isn't doing that. What he's doing is emotionally abusive and it shouldn't matter if you have sex with him. They are not on a par. Does he share his weight with the kids?

I think make plans to split up and come up with a financial plan.

You think your husband should love and respect you for doing lots of very difficult mum things. But as difficult and worthy as those things are, you're not doing them for him. You're doing them for your DC and if you separated, you would continue to do them because you love your DC more than anything and your love for them is not contingent.

You don't have the headspace or inclination to do any wife things, and you think your husband should understand. You married him, and you gave him children, and he should just get with the programme because this is what life is now. You're parents. Your kids have to come first.

Your husband wants you to do wife things. You aren't doing those, so he's sulky and resentful. The sulkier and more resentful he gets, the even less likely you become to do wife things.

He doesn't think you should both be defined by your identity as parents. He wants that relationship you had before the kids where he was the most important person to you. Again, this seems unreasonable to you, so you push back, and he gets sulkier and sulkier.

You're trapped in this spiral of resentment. I have never seen a couple bounce back from it.

Your needs are not being met as your husband does not value your identity as as a mother.

Your husband's needs are not being met, because you do not value his identity as a husband.

Would therapy teach you to prioritise time for yourself as a woman and a wife? Well, not if you can't find reliable childcare for your children (if you're a carer for one of them, getting the right paid help is going to be a challenge). Therapy can't suddenly make the practical obstacles in your life easier.

Would therapy teach your husband to accept he's no longer a 20-something and has family responsibilities now? Well, if he can't get sex in his current relationship, it's not going to stop him from looking elsewhere and getting it elsewhere.

Couples counselling in your case is only going to help you both prepare and adjust for a split.

I think the best thing you can do now really is to discuss how you can effectively co-parent your children and move on amicably.

Alternatively, if you can't accept that... could you ask your ILs for respite help with the kids, making clear that if they don't help you, your marriage is likely to break up, as you're in the last chance saloon trying to repair things? If the kids get on with them, I wonder if they could help look after them temporarily so you and your husband can spend some quality time together figuring out if there anything left there between you other than the link as parents.

So would you be affectionate and have sex with someone who was consistently rude and angry with you, just to attempt to warn some respect?

OP...

How exactly does he treat you? From what you've said I wouldn't class it as abuse.

This, from your description, sounds like two people stuck in their own perspectives. As a consequence, neither can bend to the others wants without feeling slighted and frustrated (his treatment of you is a manifestation of this as is your reluctance to give affection). Both of you probably feel wronged and used because despite both seemingly clearly communicating what you both need, you're both unwilling to budge until the other does first.

Nothing will ever improve this way, OP, someone has to bend first and stay consistent in order for the ball to begin rolling.

Only then will the other either step up or remain as they are. You're effectively in stalemate as you are.

I don't think you love each other anymore, if you ever did. You're clearly not happy anymore or on the same page. Sometimes there is just no fix. If you divorced if you carried on caring for DC and DH refused 50/50 care duties he'd have to pay you maintenance based on how many nights you had DC. Would he want them/could manage them both for any sleepovers? Do you own your own house or rent? If you own you'd start with a 50/50 split of equity but if you had DC most of the time in reality you'd likely get a bit more than half. You'd get to pension share 50/50 even if you don't have any pension of your own to share. You'd get UC with a disability premium for your disabled child you care for. Is disabled child school aged yet? If not school aged you wouldn't be forced to look for work. Also if DC is disabled and needing 10 medical appointments in 1 month and you can prove this to DWP I don't think they could insist you look for work but not sure if this is the case. If you rent you'd get a rental allowance too. If you did work you'd get help towards child care. Have you got family who could have DC occasionally to give you a break at all? I don't think you should stay in marriage where neither of you feel loved or happy together. It won't be good for the DC who will pick up on tension and will see it as normal so it will affect their future relationships. For example would you be happy for a DD to accept the relationship you have in the future? If not divorce. I found it's better to have parents who are divorced than parents who stay together but are both unhappy and resentment full. Plus you might find someone we lose. You're still young. My DH married me with 2 DS's with ADHD and has been a fantastic step dad to them. Much more involved and caring than their biological Dad ever was. My in-laws have been absolutely fantastic and welcoming with my son's too. My MiL told me living with me and being married to me has made her son a better man. I nearly cried when she said that to me.

You need a job. He doesn't respect you - you need a job, your own money and a more equitable split of childcare. What did you used to do and can you get back to it?

What is this absolute bullshit post!!

She's at home caring for their child ffs.

Does he seem to like her? Is he affectionate with her? What does he do for her? Genuinely?

The fact that he supports the family financially doesn't mean that she has to like him, when he's being an arsehole.
It sounds like he doesn't like her either even though she is supporting the family by actually doing the caring responsibilities.

Your post is shocking.

Lack of sex can really hurt. I love sex and have a higher sex drive than my husband.
Before he sought treatment, sex was once every 2-3 weeks, and the frustration and lack of affection affected my mood. I felt resentful towards him; generally miserable and I struggled to be kind, because I was taking his ‘rejection’ of me, personally.

Since treatment, he has really changed and now we are intimate more like 4 times a week. I am happy and I feel loved again and in turn, I show him appreciation, more generalised affection and I am kind and loving myself. Our relationship has drastically improved, thank goodness.

I think the problem is as I say, how personally a person takes rejection. For me it was neglectful, humiliating, and I felt unattractive and unwanted. In retrospect I can see it was a medical condition and not a reflection of how much he loved me, but it’s really hard to think logically when you’re hurting. And you can begin to really resent and feel anger towards a person you love.

Is there a reason you don’t want sex with your husband? Perhaps start there as it’s what you can control. Best of luck.

He sounds awful. I wouldn’t want sex with someone who disrespects me on this level. How are you going to fancy getting intimate when they’re telling to to ‘move’.

I would sack this off & make a life for myself& my children.

If you don’t, your child will either grow up with a shitty attitude or put up with one.

She’s already said the reason, he’s shitty & disrespect & that’s a big turn off ff for many women.

But I was too.

When I felt rejected and unattractive, the resentment led me to ignore my husband, to speak to him in a disrespectful manner. I was always short, rude or grumpy. I sulked a lot and I was angry much of the time. These actions were not acceptable but were signs of how I was feeling.

My husband could have justifiably left me. But instead he recognised that sex was important to me and the way I would feel and he went to the Gp and got better.

When things in the bedroom improved, I felt in love again. Because I felt loved and wanted and sexy.

So could op’s issue not be a vicious cycle? Of needs not being met and leading to those feelings of resentment and rejection that can cause so many issues.

Op wants to remain in the marriage so the only place she can start is with herself. Looking more deeply at why she doesn’t want sex as a starting point.

She explained why. He's not treating her properly.

She has also explained why to him.

It's all there in the OP.

I understand that, but having been in the position of not having the sex and affection I wanted, and then seeing how that came out in my angry, sulky, resentful behaviour, I am somewhat identifying with the other side.

Something has to give if the relationship is to survive. As op only has control of herself, I wondered whether there were other things stopping her wanting sex e.g. lack of attraction

The OP doesn't need to get better. There's nothing wrong with her.

Why does she have to look more deeply? Her reasons for not wanting it are very likely to be the reasons she stated and not due to some weird hidden feelings she needs to uncover.

I have a high sex drive and love sex, but I wouldn't want sex with someone who disrespected me and made me feel like shit either no matter how horny I was.

Well in the OPs case the something that has to give isn't the OP because what you're pretty much suggesting is what he's suggesting which is that she has sex that she doesn't want in the hopes that it will make him nicer to her so that she's actually want sex so that that breaks the cycle.

That's pretty gross and disgusting. I would never in a million years want a reluctant partner to have sex with me hoping it would make me nicer to them. That's disgusting.

Why do you need to look at other factors when she's already explained her factors? The issue is that he treats her like shit, and he's telling her that's going to continue unless she has sex with him.

Do you think she can go to the doctor and get a pill for that? or some lube maybe? No she can't. It is very normal and very common that women are turned off their sex partners if they treat them like shit. It doesn't mean that the OP has an issue.

Op is caring for their dc enabling this dickhead to work.

No she’s not. She can only stay at home because he works. This is a ridiculous narrative that keeps getting trotted out on MN, like it’s a huge privilege to go to work, keep four people and pay all the bills.

The whole relationship sounds incredibly transactional and emotionless. Best for both of you to call it a day.

It's a narrative that good family men will also believe btw.
They appreciate that they wouldn't be able to have their career etc without their wife at home looking after the children, and particularly if the child/children has health issues.
And they don't see their role as more important than their partners at all. They see them as a team.

Your DH should treat you kindly and respectfully irrespective of sex. Being kind and respectful is a basic human decency.

I'd divorce him. I certainly wouldn't be bullied and coerced into having sex. Only a crank wants to fuck someone who isn't into it. It's about him, getting his willy wet, getting his needs met and control, it's not about passion, intimacy, love, your pleasure or indeed you at all.

I'd tell him to shove his 2 weeks up his arse. Your relationship is over. You don't need 2 weeks to know that.

Not all SAHP want to be SAHP. It can be circumstantial, financial or both. I (a SAHP) absolutely didnt pick the life i currently have and I resent it.

Although, I do agree that they need to call it a day.

In my experience, sex increases when we feel respected, valued and supported. Good sex requires both parties to want it for the right reasons.

Your husband clearly either lacks emotional intelligence on a major scale or he's nasty and is happy to use you and your unhappiness for sex.

The relationship sounds dead in the water.

You can do this OP, you'll finally feel emotionally free and happy.

I'm separated for a year but every sat night without doubt was our thing. In a marriage u need this!! Have a drink and a shag every week, you wanna save ya marriage then that's what u gotta do. Or if you just don't wanna then separate you get carers allowance therefore will get uni credit anyways

@Overwhelmedmum1 Your dp presumably had a physical reason for not having sex that often with you though. That's completely different to the OP's situation. She can't just pop a pill and everything will be hunkydory. Your comparison is not helpful at all.