DH, sex & divorce

[AmIDelulu]

Sorry, it's v v long!

I know AIBU can be brutal but please remember I have feelings and we are a family with young DC (8&3).

DH and I have been at logger heads for a while. I feel like he treats me like shit and he is unsatisfied with my lack of affection/sex.

We have had many 'make or break' conversations which go round in circles. I want to be treated nicely but he says the lack of affection from me frustrates & hurts him and makes him feel like he is not a husband, which causes his shit treatment of me. I say if you treat me properly then affection/sex would come naturally! Convos usually end with him being sorry and he will treat me right (without expectation). But then a few days later it starts again because he either hasn't changed or he did for a few days but didn't "see results" from me.

Today he has decided that he 'cant keep waiting' and he is fed up of his feelings not being considered. That we both have a deadline of 2 weeks to make improvements towards each other or call it quits. So he will start treating me right but I have to also give him affection/sex. If he doesn't see enough from me then he's done.

I have explained that he should want to treat me nicely/kindly/with respect and that is a basic in relationships and he should be doing that regardless. But he feels that what he wants is on par and one does not need to come before the over.

I don't feel like this is far. Why should I have to treat him above and beyond whilst he's treated me like crap. What happens if I am more affectionate/have sex and then his change (if any) was temporary. Or do I have to give it a try to know for sure? He has said no to counselling ("we know what we need to do") and will not agree to a separation ("it's just a way for people to do what they want" - wtf?!).

At the same time though I am so scared of divorce. I have no money, am a SAHM and carer for DC (8). I'd be on benefits for the rest of my life, no job would take me with the amount of appointments DC has. DC (2) adores DH and both DC adore the IL's. Would they resent me for splitting the family? Where would we live? I'd have no respite ever, it would be all me. My head is spinning......but I can't just be treated like crap forev
er can I 💔

Setting aside the unpleasant husband. It’s worth finding out if you’d actually be left with nothing in a divorce. You’re primary carer for a child with additional needs. Get PIP, get carers or underlying carers allowance. You’re married and the house won’t just go to him because he’s the one earning, seek legal advice as you may be able to stay in it. He won’t want 50:50, he just won’t. Once divorced or properly separated, you can claim Universal Credit which also has added premiums for someone with a disabled child. Universal credit is not affected by child maintenance. My friend has not long divorced and with PIP, UC, proceeds from house to buy a flat, and child maintenance, she’s better off than she was when married.

Your husband is being abusive, and exercising coercive control over you - give me sex or I’ll treat you like shit. Speak to women’s aid and get this written down somewhere official.

Is your 3 year old in any child care? As they must be entitled to some free provision so you can attend the Dr appointments without them and help to free up sometime at home for yourself so you can feel less under pressure.

I do think counselling would be useful and would keep trying the idea as it can help you both develop tools to manage this situation.

I do think you could set a plan for the new week for you both to work on manners and affection respectively. Set the goal for yourself more hugs, kisses, compliments maybe a small home date after the kids have gone to bed.

I can understand not want to have sex with someone being a main carer and with the burden of the home work plus a fresh attitude. But sometimes meeting anger with anger doesn’t lighten the situation. Change tactics.

otherwise start planning how you’ll rejoin the workforce and manage your sons care between the two of you.

@Overwhelmedmum1 Did you not think of seeking treatment for yourself? As enjoyable and mutually bonding sex can be... That friction on your undercarriage does not equal love.

I'd probably look into when&how in your life the idea that fuckable=loveable came to be.
He has sex with me, hence he loves me... I think we all know better by the time it's 10 minutes past virginity.

Have you ever been single? What does that look like for you? One night stands? Or do you sink into deep despair, apathy and frustration as no one's on hand to get you off four times a week?

The behaviour you describe is so disrespectful and childish-saying bye to the children but not you WTF?!
Mutual respect is the foundation of a strong relationship, far more than sex tbh. I’ve been with my DH for 25 years and I’ve always respected him.

Putting aside the financial aspect, I’d honestly think about whether you want to be with this man long term. Is he the type of partner that you want?

Re. Finances. Your situation is tough right now, but could it be different in the next 5 years when your youngest is settled at school? Can you return to your previous career or retrain? Will you need to care for your eldest longterm or are there other resources available (do they go to school , for example)?

Think about possibilities and whether you really want/need your DH.

I simply see sex as an important and enjoyable part of my relationship and it makes me feel attractive, desirable and loved. I have been with DH since school, so never single, well, last time I was single I was 14. We are now mid 40s.

Im a pretty confident person otherwise. I’m not sure why sex = love, but I figured sex in a relationship is normal, so it wasn’t for me to seek help.

I helped a friend of mine leave her marriage - she just took the kids and the clothes on her back.
There’s really not hundreds, 99% of the time it’s just procrastination to delay the inevitable.

OP, just leave and use the support that’s out there to carve your own path.

The sticking point for you op seems to be that you see behaving nicely, even if he doesn't feel nice, is his duty, but having sex is about how you feel and not a duty.

And further, being nice as a duty is part of love, but being sexual as a duty isn't.

It's not a popular view, but I am not sure that's entirely true. Yes, there are times when we accept that no sex, or a grumpy partner, are par for the course. But overall, if a marriage is going to go forward, a big part of making that happen is about duty and that can include things we'd much prefer doing because we feel we want to.

If partners can't see their way through that, it's probably dead.

The problem with having sex as a duty is that it can cause sexual trauma and often a sexual aversion anyway so for many it's not a feasible solution long term, they might be able to do it for a certain amount of time, but then they can't.

I'd disagree that it's not a popular view, many, many people feel the exact same as you that sex is a duty, and many do get their partner to participate in 'duty' sex but as I said it doesn't tend to be a long term sustainable solution.

It's also very common in relationships where there is duty sex that the partner is then criticized for the lack of enthusiasm, there's no enthusiasm because they don't actually want it, or worse there's no enthusiasm because they're literally lying there have a trauma response!

There's stories all over the internet of women (and men) being berated for that, when it comes to women I don't know how many threads online I've seen of people complaining that their partner is only giving them duty sex, how they lie there like a starfish, often flinching, often screwing their eyes shut, often their arms frozen to their bodies..because they're literally having a trauma response and can't even pretend to be into it anymore......and then the man proceeds to criticize them for not being into it, making him feel like a rapist and not desiring him.

So having sex you don't want is rarely the solution and rarely fixes the problem.
If she did have sex with him she's unlikely to be enthusiastic about it or genuinely enjoy it at all.
The arguments might stop being about "we never have sex" but they continue as "you put no effort into sex, you make me feel like x and y when we have sex, you just lie there..."

Fucking hell.. comparing being nice and treating someone with respect, to sex.. wow. Being nice isn't a duty.
Having sex is no where near as easy as just being nice to someone.
Wow..

I would suggest you need the support of a professional here. I don't think either of you want to accept the problems you are causing in the marriage and are far too interested in being right and getting only what you want in this dispute. You aren't actually communicating properly.

What do you mean being nice isn't a duty? If you don't feel like being nice, generally you still should. That is pretty much the definition of a duty.

As for sex. There is a general expectation in a marriage that barring things like illness etc, and understanding that there may be less active periods like early childhood, there will be a sexual relationship. Yes, occasionally some couples may choose to forgo that for one reason or another, but it's a pretty universal part of marriage.

They are both hinging one element of marriage on the behaviour of the other, which really shouldn't be the case for either. Although the husband has at least made a short term effort to behave better. The OP doesn't seem to think that she has any need to be sexually intimate until she feels moved to do so - which might be never.

Essentially they are both basing how they are interacting on their feelings of wanting to or not, which is pretty much the opposite of the substance of a marriage.

Yes, I agree that long term it's not sustainable.

The opposite s probably true too, he can make an effort to be nicer, but if he continually feels irritated and angry it's not going to be very plausible to manage that.

However, it can work just fine when it's a shorter term thing, or even just more of a matter of somewhat mismatched libidos.

In this instance they seem to need to try and get past an impasse, and neither of them will take that step. The hope would be that if they both make an effort things will improve and they won't need to be doing it long term. Fake it till they make it, so to speak.

And I've been in both those situations, where fake it till you make it worked pretty well, and where it didn't, so I don't think I'm talking out of my ass.

Her other option is really to tell her husband she isn't interested in intimacy any more and that will likely end things, which she doesn't seem keen on either.

@TempestTost Being nice isn't a duty.. it's basic human respect and very easy to do. Sex is far more complex.
So someone with a low sex drive should have constant contempt and grumpyness towards them!?
Are you a man by any chance..

I don’t think this relationship is salvageable, and suggesting she allow herself to be coerced into unwanted sex is reprehensible.

He obviously has no interest in her beyond sexual services.

OP, you are in a completely invidious position - he needs to do his fair share of the parenting. you need to get back into the workforce. Then you need to seriously think about divorce.

I felt your post was an honest way to report some sort of gentle sexual abuse. Which is aways terrifying. I am surprised by some of the responses on here - you should definitely believe what is happening to you.

She is a carer to an 8 year old child who has numerous (10 this month) hospital appointments plus another young child in tow.
How in god's name can she retrain or get herself another job? I should imagine she's pretty knackered poor woman. It's just not that easy.

you need to get back into the workforce. Then you need to seriously think about divorce

This is easy to say. She's a carer. Being a single mum, a carer and having a job on top of that could very well be logistically impossible.

I bet all OP wants is for her H to:

Do things around the house without being asked

Share the load with planning for and possibly attending DC's appointments

Asking her how her day was and really listening to the answer

Do little random acts of kindness towards her

Help her to really feel like she's part of the adult team running a family that has a few particular challenges

In turn OP might be able to relax, feel valued, feel tired but part of a team, And god forbid, feel like having sex?!

It's not too much too bloody ask is it? It's just adulting on behalf of her H that is missing in this equation.

100% this.