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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have bathed my niece?

991 replies

Glass113 · 02/03/2024 13:40

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

OP posts:
1983Louise · 02/03/2024 16:14

You sound lovely and caring, wish my granddaughter had an Auntie like you. You did nothing wrong in my eyes, it's not the first time you've ever looked after her even. If you're ok changing nappies I can't see the problem of bathing her. I hope the situation can be resolved but I wouldn't be running after her any time soon.

Samlewis96 · 02/03/2024 16:15

NotMyFinestMoment · 02/03/2024 16:13

I think your intentions are genuine and good but you massively overstepped and should have checked with her first. Children at nursery get absolutely filthy every day but don't get stripped and bathed.

I think her behaviour is a bit extreme as you are family and she must trust you to leave her child with you in the first place. However, I think you should have sought consent first before bathing her. Apart from perhaps my best friend or during something like a swimming session at school, I generally do not want any one undressing or bathing my child and that includes family. I also would not bathe someone's child without obtaining their parents consent first.

So how does OP change the child's nappies then without some undressing at least?

SomeCatFromJapan · 02/03/2024 16:15

@NotMyFinestMoment OP does nappy changes though. It's a very young child.

Tibssix · 02/03/2024 16:16

Your SIL is ridiculous.

drumbeats · 02/03/2024 16:16

GiantFootTinyHead · 02/03/2024 13:43

It wouldn’t bother me but it obviously bothers SIL, just apologise for overstepping and say it won’t happen again.
She entitled to her views and feelings about this, regardless of how we may think it’s not a big deal.

Why apologise for not doing anything wrong? Are you suggesting it would be more normal to leave the niece covered in sticky crap?

The OP changes the nappies so how would bathing be an overstep.

I think the OP responded perfectly stating that she agrees it would be best not to baby sit niece again.

theDudesmummy · 02/03/2024 16:16

She is being ridiculous and very offensive. I would not want to have anything to do with her again tbh.

rainingsnoring · 02/03/2024 16:17

Lucy377 · 02/03/2024 15:54

I sort of get the SILs side of it.
You probably should have texted to ask if it was okay to bath her.

I would have texted if it was me.

Your SIL just felt you were over-mothering HER child in the way we often see complaints about MILs here.
SIL likely feels guilty about having to work and not be home with her child baking and having fun.

She wanted to keep a clear demarcation between her child and yours and your 'mothering' and hers.

Maybe the evening bath is what SIL looks forward to after work, her special time with the daughter. You took that off her unexpectedly, she got a fright when she arrived in and saw her DD in the pajamas. She found that tough. You mightn't find that tough but I would and SIL did.
Can you understand that?

Look, you get really cross and escalate the thing or you can try to understand where SIL is at.
My MIL once took a notion to bath my child and I was furious she hadn't asked me. Because it's just assuming motherly rights or something.

I have no idea what you mean by 'motherly rights' in this situation. The OP has not turned up in the guise of a parent at a parents evening/graduation/ wedding or a special occasion where you might hope for a bit of 'motherly privilege'. This is a bath! In any case, the OP is kind enough to be providing regular, free childcare for a member of her husband's family. A normal person would feel extremely grateful.

Schoolchoicesucks · 02/03/2024 16:17

Sounds like that has to be a firm end to the babysitting. Shame if that was a reciprocal arrangement and if it means the cousins don't get to hang out as often. But hopefully her DH is a decent guy and will still be plenty of opportunities for the kids to play together and you all to stay close with your niece. Bonus that you won't have to do any more nappy changes!
She's totally out of order and has also flagged up that she wouldn't treat your child as her own - which to be honest is something I would want a babysitter of a family toddler to do. They need a bath, a meal, a hug, a clean nappy - you do it.

Simonjt · 02/03/2024 16:17

NotMyFinestMoment · 02/03/2024 16:13

I think your intentions are genuine and good but you massively overstepped and should have checked with her first. Children at nursery get absolutely filthy every day but don't get stripped and bathed.

I think her behaviour is a bit extreme as you are family and she must trust you to leave her child with you in the first place. However, I think you should have sought consent first before bathing her. Apart from perhaps my best friend or during something like a swimming session at school, I generally do not want any one undressing or bathing my child and that includes family. I also would not bathe someone's child without obtaining their parents consent first.

So you’d want your child to be sat in a full nappy all day then, poor child.

drumbeats · 02/03/2024 16:18

wherethemoon · 02/03/2024 13:49

I'm with your SIL - I think you shouldn't have done that without asking first.

So changing nappies and wiping genitals is ok but not bathing. Can you explain this please?

drumbeats · 02/03/2024 16:21

NotMyFinestMoment · 02/03/2024 16:13

I think your intentions are genuine and good but you massively overstepped and should have checked with her first. Children at nursery get absolutely filthy every day but don't get stripped and bathed.

I think her behaviour is a bit extreme as you are family and she must trust you to leave her child with you in the first place. However, I think you should have sought consent first before bathing her. Apart from perhaps my best friend or during something like a swimming session at school, I generally do not want any one undressing or bathing my child and that includes family. I also would not bathe someone's child without obtaining their parents consent first.

So you would let your best friend bath her or see her naked but not your SIL who you have been using as childcare and duh has been changing her nappies.

Can you explain this lunacy?

MissBPotter · 02/03/2024 16:21

She’s completely ungrateful and horrible imo. She left her dd with you until quite late for a toddler. What were you supposed to do with your niece while bathing your dd? It sounds like you’re providing regular childcare for her on a day off of work, so she should trust you and be grateful. I would say something like previous replies or ‘It’s a shame you feel like that and I am very upset by the way you’ve insulted me for doing you a favour and trying my best to help you out. I no longer feel comfortable babysitting dn unfortunately.

NotMyFinestMoment · 02/03/2024 16:21

Samlewis96 · 02/03/2024 16:15

So how does OP change the child's nappies then without some undressing at least?

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But you're just stating the obvious though. Obviously with a young child you have to change nappies and even possibly clothes so it's to be expected.

The point is, it's not her child and she should have sought consent first.

Floralnomad · 02/03/2024 16:21

I think your response was excellent @Glass113 and your SIL is very odd , particularly as it is a toddler who you have already been changing nappies for .

drumbeats · 02/03/2024 16:21

Glass113 · 02/03/2024 15:42

Wow lots of response. Thank you for the reassurance that I wasn't out of line in bathing her.

To answer some questions I am female and SIL is my husbands brothers wife.

I messaged back and said I wasn't aware that was a boundary you had and given your feelings I agree that I shouldn't babysit again. I've left it at that and heard no more.

DH is fuming with it tbh and is seeing his brother tomorrow so I'm sure he will discuss it with him.

Please report back. I'm dying to hear how this plays out

IVbumble · 02/03/2024 16:23

Maybe something happened to your SIL in the bath when she was a child.

isthesolution · 02/03/2024 16:23

Yes it's very weird of her. You are changing your nieces nappy?! I don't see the difference.

But I'd definitely say 'sorry I've upset you and of course you understand if you dont want you to have niece anymore'.

I suspect this is a 'she'll come to you before you go to her' situation!

Dolphinnoises · 02/03/2024 16:23

I can only assume some back story here. A lot of women are survivors of child sexual abuse - perhaps your SIL is. Of course she’s being irrational, and she’s been incredibly hurtful, but you are stuck with each other long term, so hopefully there can be a way for her to understand she got this wrong

tiggergoesbounce · 02/03/2024 16:26

Well my first thought was that she must have waited until her child was toilet trained (toddler) before allowing outside care because of this issue. So maybe you dont know her backstory and she might be super cautious about her child being exposed or something.... but if you are changing the childs nappy anyway i don't see the over step here at all.

Maybe a sit down and a chat might help.
Did she explain why ?

There has got to be more to this from her side surely.

But no i dont think you did anything wrong.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 02/03/2024 16:26

Lucy377 · 02/03/2024 15:54

I sort of get the SILs side of it.
You probably should have texted to ask if it was okay to bath her.

I would have texted if it was me.

Your SIL just felt you were over-mothering HER child in the way we often see complaints about MILs here.
SIL likely feels guilty about having to work and not be home with her child baking and having fun.

She wanted to keep a clear demarcation between her child and yours and your 'mothering' and hers.

Maybe the evening bath is what SIL looks forward to after work, her special time with the daughter. You took that off her unexpectedly, she got a fright when she arrived in and saw her DD in the pajamas. She found that tough. You mightn't find that tough but I would and SIL did.
Can you understand that?

Look, you get really cross and escalate the thing or you can try to understand where SIL is at.
My MIL once took a notion to bath my child and I was furious she hadn't asked me. Because it's just assuming motherly rights or something.

Your SIL just felt you were over-mothering HER child

Nonsense. My DD goes to nursery several days and family one day and I love that on the day with family (my in-laws) she's with people who love her and give her more of a close relationship and care that is more like what she has at home. They aren't "mothering" her, they're caring for her like loving family members.

(I actually love my DDs' nursery as well, but it's obviously a different relationship).

PinkIcedCream · 02/03/2024 16:26

So she's ok with you doing nappy changes but not giving your niece and your own daughter a bath together? I bet your niece enjoyed splashing around with your daughter.

Your SIL is an ungrateful cow and completely bonkers.

Ulysees · 02/03/2024 16:27

She's batshit. You change dn's nappy FFS.

JudgeJ · 02/03/2024 16:28

GiantFootTinyHead · 02/03/2024 13:43

It wouldn’t bother me but it obviously bothers SIL, just apologise for overstepping and say it won’t happen again.
She entitled to her views and feelings about this, regardless of how we may think it’s not a big deal.

No need to apologise, just make it clear that if she is ever at your home again and gets dirty, needs changing etc you will wait until the sainted SIL turns up. Obviously she will have to find another mug to provide presumably free baby sitting in future.

Conundrummum · 02/03/2024 16:28

Even if there is a back story and SIL has had a negative experience of her own, she should have made it clear up front that bathing was not ok and then OP would be aware of boundaries and been able to decide for herself whether she wanted to take on a care giver role! To make OP feel like some sort of deviant is lowest of the low

Flopsythebunny · 02/03/2024 16:28

Glass113 · 02/03/2024 13:47

Yes maybe this is what I should have done. Its just that mine was getting a bath anyway so I just put them in together.

They're both only 2 and not toilet trained yet so obviously I change her nappy all the time.

Show quote history

It's all about control...