To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

I agree with this, it's how I would react. I could never forgive or forget this. The insinuation is unthinkable. How dare she?
Don't validate her appalling insinuation by apologising or tell her you 'understand her boundaries' or whatever other nonsense some posters are suggesting.

I think @Moveoverdarlin's reply is perfect:-

‘If that’s what you’d prefer then so be it. I have to say I am truly offended, what on earth are you insinuating? I was trying to help. You were working late! She was covered in flour after baking, I thought it would help you out to have her bathed and in her pyjamas ready for bed. This is what families do, help. I am sorry if you felt I had crossed a line, but I am mortified and truly upset by your text. I shall never babysit again.

then block her

She's being weird about it

Well done OP your SIL is batshit. She is getting free childcare and get daughter is having fun with her cousin. She should be thanking you. I wouldn't want to babysit again in your position either.

I sort of get the SILs side of it.
You probably should have texted to ask if it was okay to bath her.

I would have texted if it was me.

Your SIL just felt you were over-mothering HER child in the way we often see complaints about MILs here.
SIL likely feels guilty about having to work and not be home with her child baking and having fun.

She wanted to keep a clear demarcation between her child and yours and your 'mothering' and hers.

Maybe the evening bath is what SIL looks forward to after work, her special time with the daughter. You took that off her unexpectedly, she got a fright when she arrived in and saw her DD in the pajamas. She found that tough. You mightn't find that tough but I would and SIL did.
Can you understand that?

Look, you get really cross and escalate the thing or you can try to understand where SIL is at.
My MIL once took a notion to bath my child and I was furious she hadn't asked me. Because it's just assuming motherly rights or something.

Your SIL is potty. I think her concerns say a lot more her than you. She’ll miss the babysitting. Stay firm - I am guessing, they’ll want to restart the Friday childcare and tbh, you should stay no. If she is THIS specific then she should be paying for childcare.

Great response OP.
Leave it up to her now. I would have been incredibly grateful if you had sone this for me.

Clutching at straws here - but any chance SIL misinterpreted what you said and thinks you got in the bath too, and that's why she's upset? Whilst I wouldn't mind someone else I trusted to bathe DD, I'm not sure I'd be happy if they got in with her.

Assuming not, then YANBU

Ridiculous

Don’t be mortified uv done nothing wrong. I wouldn’t think twice if either of my sister in laws bathed my kids if they were covered in mess. I also wouldn’t think twice about bathing theirs 🤷🏻‍♀️ I might drop them a text just to say kids were dirty so now all bathed and clean

No. She sounds a bit deluded!!!!

Your message was spot on. Will be interesting to hear what your BiL says.

Your sister in law is an ungrateful cow. You did nothing wrong, I'd have been delighted you'd save me a job.

I wouldn't even text her back. She's cutting her nose off to spite her face as you're effectively free childcare to her.

I would be extremely offended by your SILs comment. She is suggesting you did something untoward in bathing a dirty child whose nappy you change all the time.

Your SIL just felt you were over-mothering HER child

The OP is the child's family member who cares for her frequently. SIL is being precious at the expense of her daughters relationship with close relatives and cutting off her own nose to spite her face.

Not at all. I have on occasionally bathed my toddler niece- the last time was when she was ill and had had a runny poo over nap time, by the time she woke up/ got changed she looked very sore so mainly cleaned her up in the bath rather than distress her by rubbing the red bits with a wipe.

Your sister in law is odd. Either she trusts you to babysit a toddler with all that entails or she doesn't.

Good response. It was evening time and you had a daughter you're also bathing, perfectly normal. If you'd have taken her off to randomly bathe alone in them middle of the day then fine to take issue, but not in this situation.

If that's how she feels then she should say so, instead of saying what she did say, which implies something far worse and deeply hurtful and upsetting.

As everyone else has said, you change her nappy so why the problem with bathing?
Sometimes if a toddler has explosive diarrhoea, throws up over themselves etc it's just easier to pop them in the bath.
And if the weather was very hot would you not be allowed to let your niece play in a paddling pool? Totally bizarre!

So you didn’t apologise? Good! How odd that you can change her nappy and presumably wipe if she uses the potty but you can’t bathe her? Is that strictly for her mother (according to your sil)? Curious. Would she rather you have her back sticky and mucky?

Do you think OP should ask first before she changes her nieces nappy too?

There isn't always time to text and wait for a reply. That really isn't practical. Besides she changes her nappy why is given her a bath crossing a boundary when changing her nappy isn't?
OP you did nothing wrong you You were doing your sister in law a favour and she has behaved very strangely. What was your relationship with her like previously?

I wouldn't baby sit again. Pity as the cousins are so close in age

I’m glad you said ‘and won’t be babysitting again’ because her saying to “ not babysitting for a while” is also out of order, like she’s the one to decide when you have been punished enough, who does she think you are? Even if she comes back with huge apologies I would say we best leave things clearly separate now. She will hopefully have to sort out childcare between herself and her DH from now on thanks to her treatment of you.

@Lucy377
How is a bath mothering but changing her and feeding her not?
What a bloody weird reply.

So you look after her 2 year old regularly for free because you are a kind and generous person, you bathe her 2 year old alongside your own because they were messy and she criticises you?! She crazy and hugely ungrateful. If I were you, I would not be baby sitting at all in future, never mind 'for a while'.

I think your intentions are genuine and good but you massively overstepped and should have checked with her first. Children at nursery get absolutely filthy every day but don't get stripped and bathed.

I think her behaviour is a bit extreme as you are family and she must trust you to leave her child with you in the first place. However, I think you should have sought consent first before bathing her. Apart from perhaps my best friend or during something like a swimming session at school, I generally do not want any one undressing or bathing my child and that includes family. I also would not bathe someone's child without obtaining their parents consent first.